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Original poster

Controlled crying confusion

28 replies

CharlieB93 · 07/02/2021 15:30

Hi I’m planning on trying to sleep train my almost 9 month old daughter. At 7 months she was sleeping for at least 10 hours at night and now for some reason this has gone out the window. She normally goes down at 7pm fine no issues but then she is waking up every 3 hours sat bolt upright crying and will only go back to sleep by being rocked (for hours ☹️) or being put in my bed. She is then waking up at 4.30am and won’t go back to sleep. I’m going back to work soon and I can’t cope /function on so little sleep.

I was so against sleep training but it looks like I have no other choice. I’m just a bit confused what actually happens?

So for instance I leave her to start with for 2 minutes before going in to reassure her - do I have to stay there until she stops crying then go out the room? Or do I go out the room with her crying? How long do I stay in there?

She always seems to hate lying down - should I pick her up to lay her back down or leave her sat up?

Do you use nightlights/white noise?
Thank you in advance for any help
From a very tired mum ☹️

OP posts:
Wale90 · 07/02/2021 15:32

Here isn't the place for a guide for controlled crying, people's methods vary hugely.

There are tons of books from gradula retreating (aiming for no tears) to literally leaving them to cry.

I would read a book so you gave a set method to guide you. Lucy Wolfe worked well for us with no upset.

Original poster
CharlieB93 · 07/02/2021 15:39

@Wale90 thank you I’ll have a look - I was just wanting some peoples insights to how they approached it

OP posts:
Wale90 · 07/02/2021 16:12

We approached it as gently as possible, you'll have such a ramge of advise on here it will confuse you more than anything. Inevitably someone will declare how cruel you are to without recognising how damaging poor sleep is for both mum and baby as well.

Original poster
CharlieB93 · 07/02/2021 16:20

@Wale90 I agree, I was so against it but now I can see how detrimental it’s been to my mental health and also the happiness of my daughter when she is so tired. I’m at the end of my tether.

OP posts:
Wale90 · 07/02/2021 16:25

It's really tough, parenting on little sleep is grim, and it takes its toll on how you feel about your baby at times because you have no space in the day and no space from them at night.

It sounds like teaching them to self settle will ease the night waking and everyone will be happier. They are still tiny though really so it could also be teeth/developmental stuff, their sleep can vary so much.

Original poster
CharlieB93 · 07/02/2021 16:47

@Wale90 that’s the plan, I’m hoping her learning that she can self settle will allow her to realise she doesn’t need rocking to sleep.

OP posts:
loopyapp · 07/02/2021 19:49

I wont discuss the sleep training because ita pointless disagreement - i would however suggest pushing bed time back by an hour or so.

I was getting my 9mo down about that time and having similar issues.

He goes to sleep when hes outwardly ready to now and is much more settled over night. That is usually around 8-9pm

DustyVenetian · 07/02/2021 19:52

I hired this lady when my child was 9 months.

andreagrace.co.uk

DustyVenetian · 07/02/2021 19:57

It was helpful. Nothing was rocket science but she gave me a 'script' as it were and supported me. Just being told what to do helped validate it.

It was painful but done mostly in a week. Child never slept properly prior to that and I was on my knees.

happyhandstands · 07/02/2021 20:03

We added a minute each time we left the room. She didn’t completely calm down every time we came back in, it was more about reassuring her that we would always keep coming back. She got it really quickly and has slept incredibly well ever since, it changed everything for us. We had been completely exhausted for six months since the four month sleep regression hit and it was significantly affecting our mental health, plus like you I could see how tired the baby was.

happyhandstands · 07/02/2021 20:05

Also I started by getting her on a nap schedule so I was 100% confident that I was putting her down at the right time and she would be tired at bedtime.

pigglepot · 07/02/2021 20:10

@CharlieB93 I don't think it sounds like she needs sleep training- it sounds like it's maybe a phase she is going through because of a developmental leap or some other change for her. Have you tried lying her down and rubbing her back and bottom to calm her rather than getting her out of bed? My daughter loves that when she can't sleep. I feel like "sleep training" ie just letting her cry it out may make it worse for you both as it will be distressing for you and her and she seems to need your extra attention right now for whatever reason. Sorry if I sound like I'm being soft but everything with babies is a phase so I would imagine she will start to sleep better again when she gets through this leap or whatever it is that's troubling her (perhaps illness or something else?)

edin16 · 07/02/2021 20:15

I would come in and settle DS but the second I made to move he would start crying again. For the first few days it got shorter and shorter the time he would take to get to sleep but it never seemed to get to a point where he didn't cry anymore. So after about 10 days (7 of which it would take 15 minutes before he slept) I stopped leaving the room. At this point he would go down in his cot without fussing which he never did before the CC. So from then on I sat next to the cot. At first I would pat and rock. Then after a few nights of just my hand on him. We're now at the point where I put him into his sleep position (side sleeper), keep pressure on him for a few seconds then take my hand away and just sit and wait.
His sleep did improve somewhat after this but the really help for me was us going to see an osteopath last week. Before this he was up every hour. Now he gets a good 5 hours uninterrupted in the middle of the night. I think this along with him learning (slowly) to fall asleep on his own is the combination that's done it.

It might be worth you having a look at how long they are sleeping and have a look at the sleep cycle length. If they're waking in the middle of a sleep cycle then something might be wrong. If it's between sleep cycles then it's most likely a settling issue. Ours was both which is why I've approached it from angles.

newmummy8789 · 07/02/2021 20:20

We had a good routine, bath, milk, story bed. If he cried (which he did at first) we left him 2 mins then went in, said shhhh it's ok, bedtime now love you goodnight. Then went in again at 4 mins and 8 mins then every 8 mins....said the same thing every time I went in.
We decided that if it went on for over an hour or if he cried properly (with tears) we would abandon that attempt but that never happened he was usually asleep in 20 mins.
We did the same thing if he woke in the night too.

People often confuse controlled crying with cry it out. Very different.

Lelophants · 07/02/2021 20:22

Please do some research and follow a method online. 9 months is quite a common age to go back on sleep tbh. It's very normal. Are you sure you want to so trials? Just be aware sleep training doesn't always work. If you feel you have no option then by all means give it a go. Good luck.

Original poster
CharlieB93 · 07/02/2021 20:44

Well we lasted 8 minutes (going in every two minutes) I don’t think this is for us to be honest. It’s been an awful night, she got that worked up that she vomited and now I’ve been sat in tears for the last hour for doing this to her.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore I feel like such a failure.

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieB93 · 07/02/2021 20:47

@edin16 where did you learn about sleep cycle lengths etc? Sorry I’m new to this

OP posts:
Original poster
CharlieB93 · 07/02/2021 20:48

@pigglepot I thought that to start with but she was sleeping through until about 2 months ago, we thought it was a phase but obviously it isn’t ☹️

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 07/02/2021 20:51

Have you tried gradual retreat? It still usually involves tears, but you stay with them so it's not normally so hysterical.

Original poster
CharlieB93 · 07/02/2021 20:57

@Hardbackwriter will have a look into that thank you!

OP posts:
DustyVenetian · 07/02/2021 21:06

Do some proper research, get advice. You aren't a failure,at all. You are trying to make it better for you all. Clearly tonight wasn't right way.

You need a plan to follow.... don't just pick a choose random suggestions from people on here..

LifeIsBusy · 07/02/2021 21:11

Get the huckleberry app. It suggests sleep times based on wake hours. This was a total life saver for us in terms of knowing the exact right time to get our LO to sleep and nap (the free versionis fine). In terms of waking up at night though I have no advice. We moved my LO back into our room due to waking up and he settled down and slept better.

edin16 · 07/02/2021 21:18

@CharlieB93
I think I read about it somewhere then the osteopath asked me about it when we had our initial appointment.
For babies it's about 45 minutes, so if they are waking up every 3 hours then it's likely that they can't link their cycles. If it's random (eg 65 minutes after falling asleep) then it's likely that something else is an issue (pain, hunger ect). But some previous posters are right, there is a regression around this time so it might just be developmental.

pigglepot · 07/02/2021 21:26

@CharlieB93 oh no that sounds so awful. To be honest I would just do whatever you need to do to get her (and you) to sleep as quickly as possible in the short term whether that's having her in bed with you or whatever it is and then find a professional to help. Have a look at "the parent and baby coach" and other similar on Instagram- you can have consultations with them and they should be able to advise a way forward. As others have said it's very difficult for anyone to advise on here because each baby is different and none of us are professionals at this!

olderthanyouthink · 07/02/2021 21:31

This is about the age we tried sleep training but I can't listen to my baby scream for me and almost through up, it's truly awful and it just didn't need to happen so didn't past long. We co slept and eventually I was about to put her back in her own bed and she sleeps there about as well as she does in with me (read still not near sleeping through at 2 but she's on the extreme end of things by from my reading)

sarahockwell-smith.com/2015/11/18/what-the-heck-goes-wrong-sleep-wise-at-8-10-months/