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Original poster

Nanny and DH conspiring to get 6 month old DS out of our bed!

32 replies

RoRoMommy · 09/10/2007 11:29

Okay, look--my kid is very independent. He's happy to play on his own, goes to sleep in our bed on his own from 7:30 to 10:30 (I nurse him or rock him to sleep then leave the room), but he's had a cold and sleeps erratically once I come to bed at 10:30 until 1:30 feed, then sleeps like a dream until 5:30. Thing is, DH is on couch b/c bed not big enough (DS is a wiggler, sleeps on my side, and I end up scootching DH off his side of the bed). We just ordered a bigger bed to be delivered on Saturday, but my nanny and my DH are insisting that DS is ready to sleep in his own bed and trying to convince me to stop co-sleeping.

It's not that I think he'd be scarred from it, I think he'd probably be fine sleeping in a cot next to the bed or in our room. But I work all day and I love co-sleeping. When DS isn't stuffed up in the nose, he sleeps like a dream, waking only to feed and settling right back down. DH and nanny are convinced that if we don't teach him to sleep on his own now he'll be in our bed until he's two, and then it will be very difficult to get him in his own bed and THAT experience will scar him, rather than getting him used to it now.

I am the only one who doesn't see a problem with him being in our bed until he's two or when he decides to leave, but this DH on couch business isn't okay. Also, I've been going to sleep in the spare room after I've settled DS during the cold-period because he seems to sleep better if I am not there.

Am I being selfish about wanting to continue co-sleeping when it seems DS would be fine in his own cot? Are we setting ourselves up for sleep problems if we move him to his own cot now, or more likely if we don't? Please help.

Thanks!

OP posts:
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Budababe · 09/10/2007 11:34

I hated co-sleeping when DS was little. So he slept in own cot in our room till 8/9 months then cot in own room. Unfortunately when he moved into a bed it started to go wrong and he is now in our bed and DH is in spare room. DS is now 6!

So - I am afraid that I sort of agree with your DH and Nanny but there are no guarantees that if you settle him in own cot now that he will stay there!

hanaflower · 09/10/2007 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PoshCod · 09/10/2007 11:35

i ahte kids in bed
you liek it?
leave it

mumsville · 09/10/2007 20:17

Buda - oh my god! What are you going to do?

My ds was in cot and then graduated to cosleeping with me - we both love it - he;s 17 months.

I was telling everyone how fab it is and no great deal - now I'm worried!

My point is that cosleeping is done all over the world. All over the world kids are fine.

Bloodsuckingmissyhols · 09/10/2007 20:27

I'm not a fan i'm afraid for the reasons that are happening to you. How about getting one of those cots that one side comes off and have that against your bed? That way It'll seem like your co sleeping still, you have more space and ds will get used to a cot so that the transition from your bed to cot into own room will be easier?

pastilla · 09/10/2007 20:37

i like co sleeping too but dh doesnt and puts himself on the pull out sofabed downstairs - also means he gets a better nights sleep cos no crying baby to wake him up. dd is an experiment. with ds1 we didn't co sleep and he is now a nightmare insecure sleeper, with ds2 we coslept til he was about a year (i always put him down in his cot then brought him into our bed if he woke kind of thing). he now sleeps like a dream in his own bed. so my theory is that cosleeping is a long term strategy for secure sleepers. dd is the test. can let you know in a year
i would personally recommend you tell your dh you will put ds to sleep in a cot and each and every time he wakes up, it is dh's responsibility to get up and get him, rock him, bring him to you for a feed, return him to bed.

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 10/10/2007 09:20

Thanks everyone. Pastilla, I love your idea. He'd never go for it, of course, since I do the nights because I have the boobs, and he gives me two mornings (Saturday and Sunday) so I get to sleep in. Seven nights for two mornings...is this fair? Oh well, I don't mind the nights.

So, last night DS actually seemed to have a harder time settling because I was next to him. Once I got out of bed, after a feed and about five minutes of wah, wah little complaints (not crying), I got up to use the loo and when I got back he was asleep.

Hmmm...hopefully a bigger bed will be the answer.

We do have a co-sleeper bed, one of those sidecar arrangements, but he's never settled well in it for some reason. So it's a storage place for his toys and my water bottle instead. Ha ha.

OP posts:
LilBloodRedWantsGore · 10/10/2007 09:25

"Last night DS actually seemed to have a harder time settling because I was next to him."

Who are you co-sleeping for? Your DS or you? It sounds as though he is happier when in bed on his own. Maybe time to move him to a cot?

edam · 10/10/2007 09:28

Do you particularly enjoy co-sleeping because you don't see much of ds in the day time? And does DH realise that?

I dunno, clearly dh does have a say in this since he's the one on the couch. But then you are buying a bigger bed so presumably the idea is dh won't have to put up with the sofa any more...

I think you need to work out why co-sleeping works for you and whether that's something you are prepared to trade for a happier dh. Or something you could make dh understand.

Long-term sleep problems for ds are a bit of a red herring IMO - some children wake up despite being in their own room, some children sleep through when they are in their parents' room. You can't guarantee it either way.

Jojay · 10/10/2007 09:29

To be totally honest, it sounds like you are co-sleeping for your benefit, not your ds - you say he settled better without you beside him?? And that you think he'd be fine in a cot next to your bed or in your room.

If it's going to cause a rift in your marriage, and your ds is not that bothered anyway, it's not worth it, IMHO.

Your husband's opinions deserve consideration too.

I've got no problem with co-sleeping in principle, and I don't think it will necessarily lead to sleep problems in the future, but I do think it needs agreement from Mum AND Dad.

It doesn't sound like you've got that.

edam · 10/10/2007 09:31

To be fair, OP said baby has a cold atm and co-sleeps fine normally.

If she's not getting to see ds much in the day time and co-sleeping normally works fine for her and ds, then I think it's reasonable. Will be reassuring for ds to have some time with mummy, even if he's asleep. The sound of someone breathing, the comfort of their body, etc. etc. etc. are important.

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 10/10/2007 09:37

Yes, I work during the day and co-sleeping is time I get to spend with my DS. Normally he sleeps very well with me, wakes just to feed and settles easily. I am not sure if his recent inability to resettle is because of the cold or a sign of a new phase of independence. The cold is resolving itself.

This morning I lay in bed with him to put him to sleep for his morning nap. He played for a while, nursed a bit, did a little whining, then turned his head from side to side while his eyes started to close. I got up, got about my morning, and again when I came back he was asleep. Didn't hear a peep out of him.

If I am co-sleeping just for my own benefit, I will put him in a cot for his own good. I am not a selfish, clueless mother. And perhaps if me and my DH were sleeping in the same bed, cuddling together like we used to, we wouldn't be arguing so much.

First step, see how the bigger bed works out. Next step, put DS in a cot next to the bed, and see what happens. I certainly don't want to be the cause of my own problems, and to be honest, if he will sleep well in a cot, I could really use the rest.

OP posts:
Jojay · 10/10/2007 09:47

Sounds like a good plan

Sorry if I sounded harsh - didn't mean to

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 10/10/2007 10:03

It's okay

I am a bit sensitive this morning because DH and I had a fight last night over the grocery order. Stupid.

I think part of the problem is the lack of physical closeness, with him on the couch this past week. I have high hopes for the bigger bed...

Have other people noticed more tension in their relationship after having a baby, and how have you dealt with it? Perhaps I should move this thread to the relationships section...

OP posts:
Jojay · 10/10/2007 10:50

There is definitely more strain on a relationship when a baby arrives, IME - anyone who thinks having a baby will bring them closer together, is barking!!!

I do think lack of physical closeness can be a problem - I know my DH thinks so - but also, this phase of your life doesn't last for ever.

I had a bit of a crisis when ds was about 5 months, and really wanted to feel like the 'old' me again. I stopped breast feeding ( back to work at 6 months anyway so would have had to soon anyway) and moved ds out of our room.

Not for everyone I know, but I felt it helped DH and I have a bit of time and space to ourselves.

So you are absolutely not alone in feeling like this, but I'm sure you'll get through it.xx

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 10/10/2007 10:54

How long ago was that? How old is your DS now? How did he react to it?

I am back at work and pumping three times a day. I really want to continue breastfeeding, so it's an inconvenience I am willing to shoulder for a while, but I have no idea when to wean and I want to keep DS's best interests at heart...just curious what your experience was like.

OP posts:
skidaddle · 10/10/2007 11:03

Hi Roro,

I answered your other thread in the relationships section but I just wanted to let you know that not everyone is against co-sleeping. We still sometimes co-sleep with dd who is 2 next week and I love it. I love that she is there first thing in the morning giving me hugs and kisses and singing me litle songs. She absolutely loves it too but luckily for me DH also likes it (when he's not being kicked) so I don't have to choose between them as you do.

DD has her own bed and only comes in with us when she wakes up in the middle of the night but I don't know what is possibly wrong about having a young baby/child in with his/her parents where they will feel more secure than anywhere else in the world. No.2 is due in December and we will try co-sleeping with him as well and see how it goes.

Don't quite know what my point is but just wanted to say that not everyone is against co-sleeping and I certainly don't think it is selfish - people do in it more countries than they don't so if you want to carry on, as long as you can come up with a solution that also suits your dh, then I say go for it

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 10/10/2007 11:29

skidaddle, did you co sleep with DD from the start? When did she move to her own bed?

Totally loving the thought of DS singing me songs in the morning, I mean, other than ba-ba-ba-ba-la-la-la

OP posts:
skidaddle · 10/10/2007 11:34

Roro - no we didn't sleep with dd from the start which meant i was getting up however many times a night to feed her, sitting on a chair in the cold and dark and watching the clock like a hawk (when can i get back to my nice warm bed?) - this is what i want to avoid as much as possible this time which is why I want to co-sleep from the start. Not sure what we'll do if they both want in there at the same time though - buy a bigger bed? let us know how that goes btw - could be the answer to all your problems

gingerninja · 10/10/2007 11:38

RoRO, not sure if it's been suggested but can you get a bigger bed and bed rail then sleep in a baby, mummy, daddy formation?

gingerninja · 10/10/2007 11:42

Meant to also add that I agree this is a temporary stage. My DD started sleeping 'better' at about 11 months and we have most of the evening and first part of the night to ourselves and bring her in when she wakes. (we settle her on the bed and lift her into her cot when she's asleep) (I love snuggling too and especially on the days I work. We're all getting the closeness we miss during the day.)

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 10/10/2007 11:45

Skidaddle, will keep you posted on the bigger bed.

Ginger, we are getting a king-size delivered on Saturday, and plan to get a bed rail, too, then will sleep baby, mummy, daddy. Do you have any bed rail suggestions?

OP posts:
milou2 · 10/10/2007 11:49

Sounds from the OP as if your nanny and DH are sort of ganging up on you. I don't think it is the nanny's place to put pressure on how you mother your child at night. Or your husband's place to bring in the nanny's views on the matter. Has she had the experience of being a mother yet?

Can you see I'm needled by this!!

Have fun with trying out the new bed and getting settled.

Original poster
RoRoMommy · 10/10/2007 11:53

I know you're right, it's not her place and she's not a mother, but I feel a bit pressured to take her advice because she spends more of DS's waking hours with him than I do, and she puts him down for naps two to three times a day, so has become an expert on his sleep (and influences the way he sleeps).

Most of the time I just want to tell her to shove it, but I want to find a balance where I can make use of her knowledge and experience with DS's sleeping habits and development.

OP posts:
Budababe · 10/10/2007 12:00

mumsville - it doesn't bother me TBH. DH snores like you wouldn't believe so I prefer sleeping with DS - and I get more cuddles! DS is becoming more and more grown-up and independant so I know it won't last forever - otherwise it will be a bit embarrassing when he starts to bring girls home!!!

And we don't 'do' sex either - DH's issues not mine so not interfering with that side of things.

Sorry to hijack RoRoMummy!