How long do you leave your toddler to cry at night?

[Pukeymama]

If you know your toddler is purely crying because they don't want to be in bed during the night, how long do you leave them to cry? I know some people don't agree with leaving toddlers to cry and I respect that, but others do (including me) so I'm interested to know how other people manage it.

Anyone??

Depends how hysterically they are crying. Personally only a minute or two if it’s a real scream but if it’s a bit of a whinge I’d leave as long as it takes!

@SS1987 thanks for the reply! My son just shouts out for me continuously, can last hours sometimes and at a complete loss at how to deal with it as nothing seems to work, expect bringing him into bed with one of us but for me personally that isn't sustainable. He was a good sleeper until about a month ago, so frustrating. Any tips??

We tried the technique in saying "baby name, it's bed time". Cuddle and kiss them and put them to bed. Leave the room. And don't go back in for 1 min. Go back in if they're crying. Hug and soothe them, say it's bed time and go back out. And don't go back in for 2 mins. Keep going and going for max 10 mins. We did this a couple of nights, and then hallelujah, sleeping fixed!!!

Keep the same routine all the time. Milk, bath, book, bed

If they are genuinely distressed then I never left them. But whiny because they didn't want to be in bed is different. We used to say "I'll come and check on you in a minute" and increase the time between each check. That seemed to help.

How old?

You realise that's neglect?
Gosh, what an awful thing to say to someone based on such little information. Neglect refers to failing to provide basic needs, which doesn’t seem apparent from the OP and it definitely doesn’t specifically state that.

With my 21 month old I know the difference between a proper cry because something is wrong, and a whinge because they want to play rather than go to bed. If its a cry I go straight up, we do cuddles, sitting beside the cot, calpol if teething, then I will leave her to settle by herself. I never sit with her until she is asleep. It usually takes 5ish minutes for her to calm down. If its a whinge, then it takes what it takes. Sometimes she moans for 5 mins, something its 40. 95% of the time she goes down without a peep.

We find a solid, and I mean SOLID, routine helps a lot. We literally do the exact same thing at the exact same time every night, down to the song we sing when she is brushing her teeth, then where she has her nappy changed, then in the cot for book, we say the same phrase of 'ok. Bedtime now. Have a nice sleep. We love you', tuck her under her blanket, stroke her face, blow a kiss, and off we go. She knows exactly what to expect every night and very happily goes to bed.

I don't leave my toddler to cry. Sleep is my priority so if she wakes and crys I get her and pop her in with me. I dont want her to learning not to bother crying because no one comes and I would also rather go back to sleep then listen to whinging/crying.

I don’t tend to leave mine (2.5) for longer than it takes me to go to the loo and then bring her into our bed. Have never left her to cry - just couldn’t do it personally. She’s not been a good sleeper though, so maybe it would have helped if I had! She settles quickly in our bed and is such an affectionate little thing, that I think it just doesn’t suit her personality to sleep alone.

It might work better to go in, lie him back down and say time to sleep, leave and repeat until he gets the message - that’s how some people would deal with it. No interaction beyond this, just repeat the simple instruction to go back to sleep.

If my toddler cries for me I go straight in, sometimes via the loo. I wouldn't ignore her cries in the day, and I'm just at much her parent as might, do if she needs me I'm there.

@Babs709 so you think leaving a baby for hours to shout and cry isn't neglecting to care for his needs? Whatever that need might be?

I do. I bloody hate when people treat children like they are something to be ignored and dismissed as if they cry or complain out of malice so need to be 'taught a lesson'

The baby shouts and cries because he needs something even if that is just to be close to his mother!

Never

I would leave for twenty minutes before going back in, then I'll calmly say it's bed time and leave again. I bought up 3 children and not one of them came into my bed as I worked. If your consistent then toddler will learn eventually and will sleep better (1 week roughly)

@Sootikinstew I’m saying you don’t have enough information to suggest neglect. OP didn’t state that she doesn’t go in during the “hours” her child shouts. My three year old nephew shouts for his parents constantly for hours most nights, they go in and deal with him and he’ll be shouting again within minutes of them leaving the room. He certainly isn’t neglected, he’s playing up at bedtime.

@SqidgeBum Love it!!

You don't say how old your toddler is. But if you've been trying this tactic for a while and it's not worked then I don't think it's going to. Why would it? You need to try something else... Bribery could be your friend! Make a bedtime chart, including getting ready for bed and sleeping through until morning, get a sticker / whatever floats their boat. With rewards instant gratification seems to work best for my 2, if you wanted to do a chart working towards something then I would say aim small, say 3 stickers = toy. To a little kid, 10 stickers seems unachievable and will put them off (a primary school teacher friend gave me this advice and she was totally right!). Good luck!

@Sootikinstew who says he 'needs' anything, as opposed to wants something. A toddler can want to be in your bed, and know that if he cries enough he will eventually get what he wants, but that doesnt mean he should get what he wants. If the OP needs him to sleep in the cot as opposed to the bed, that not neglect. His needs are being met. He just doesnt want to sleep in the cot. My toddler cried for 20 minutes today because she wanted to whack the dog with a fly swatter and I took it from her. Should I let her because she cries for a long period of time? Am I neglecting her by not giving her what she wants? Because she is crying does that mean she 'needs' to whack the dog with the fly swatter?

The OP isnt leaving a baby screaming in pain or hunger. He just doesnt want to sleep in the cot. Toddlers are stubborn, very stubborn. Being a good Mum doesnt mean giving a toddler everything it wants.

I don't. I don't want to teach her no one will come if she cries.

Being a good mum doesn't mean giving the toddler everything it wants, but it does usually involve providing confront when that unfulfilled desire means the toddler is very upset.

Comfort...

I dont get the feeling the OP is leaving the toddler 'very upset'. She says he shouts and he is crying because he just doesnt want to go to bed. I think there is a big difference between that and being genuinely upset. Nobody is advocating here to leave a genuinely upset child screaming and sobbing. Maybe its just my toddler, but she cries for every single thing she wants. She can sound genuinely upset because I gave her the cup of milk she asked for 10 seconds beforehand.