Broken. I don't know what to do to fix this.

[whatevenissleepanymore]

My 10 month old daughters poor sleeping has wore me down so much at this point that I'm now beginning to feel suicidal. I find myself having constant dark thoughts and the longer that it persists on for the more intense that they seem to be getting.

I know deep down that my plummeting moods and the irrational thoughts and feelings I'm having all stem from months of severe sleep deprivation but I don't know how I am supposed to fix this. I'm not in any financial position to be able to fund a sleep consultant for advice, I'm to worn out and my brain is to frazzled to attempt to try any sleep training, I feel like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle and quite frankly can feel myself giving up.

She's just never fucking slept. Ever. Well not independently anyway. She will sleep in bursts of maybe 20/30 minutes - up to an hour at a time if I'm really lucky and then will stand bolt upright and scream inconsolably really distressed in her cot until I get her out of the cot and lay down with her and will then continue to wake all night long before she wakes for the day anywhere between 4:30-5:00am! I just can't do it any longer. I always try laying her down and shushing and patting countless times before I cave in and bring her into bed with me but it takes forever for her to settle and when she does it's for minutes and the whole process starts once again. The only way I manage to really calm her is to shove a bottle in her mouth - she will drink maybe an oz and then fall back asleep but even this doesn't work all the time.

She eats 3 solid meals a day, her milk intake is fine, temp of her room is perfectly fine, has blackout curtains, a white noise machine.. I just don't understand it.

Ive tried gentle sleep training methods in the past to try and help improve her sleeping habits and it's never made the slightest bit of difference. Ive never tried controlled crying like friends/family have suggested because quite frankly I know how stubborn my baby is and considering how unstable I already feel at the moment I don't know if I am mentally strong enough to deal with hours upon hours upon hours of crying for it to not work in the end anyway. I'm scared if that where to happen it really would push me over the edge and during a particularly bad moment I'd do something to myself out of sheer desperation.

I don't know what in particularly looking for posting this here. I just need someone to talk to.

How’re you doing OP @whatevenissleepanymore ? We’ve had some rubbish nights sleep here and yesterday I had a bump in my car...it’s been a bit of a wake up call for me. Like you, I can’t cope on such broken sleep and now I can see it’s affecting my attention and response times (as well as health, wellbeing, appetite, mood, skin etc etc!) My LO actually sleeps for longer stretches than yours so you must be absolutely exhausted. Have you managed to reach out for support? I have contacted my GP today. Not sure it will help much but I’m gathering every last ounce of energy to try and find solutions. Thinking of you.

If i were you I'd get your DH to take a week of leave, and go and get a hotel room or stay with a friend, and leave him to sleep train your DD however he sees fit. You're tapped out, you need sleep. Take a week to sleep, go to your GP, let your DH do a shift.

@thebearandthemare Still feeling very much the same sadly. I have been trying to make a much more conscious effort to try to be as positive and upbeat as I can manage to be since re reading my original post back and realising just how broken and desperate I actually sound but as nothing's changed with my circumstances it's near on impossible.

How can such a little person cause such an up evil in our lives like this? When I became pregnant last year (I'm a FT mum) I knew things were going to be very difficult and that my sleep would be massively affected for a length of time but I never expected in a million years to be 10 months down the line and be that ground down by such a lack of it that I'd be on the verge of suicide. It's actually extremely scary what being sleep deprived can do to you mentally.

I keep toying with the idea of controlled crying but I know my baby's temperament and I'm pretty sure it would just result in both me and DD just being distraught. But I don't see any option? Gentle sleep training methods just wouldn't work with her. She's far to stubborn and strong willed to be gently sleep trained.

I'm sorry to hear your having a hard time too. I really can sympathise. Do you have any plan in place for moving forward?

I'm always here for a chat if you need someone to vent to - from one exhausted mummy to another

@jeremypaxo What method of sleep training worked best for you? I honestly think that nothing I tried in regards to sleep training with DD would make the slightest difference as she's just SO stubborn and has the ability to scream like she's being murdered for hours on end, she does not let up easily which makes me very reluctant to attempt as I'm already feeling so fragile.

That sounds so hard, I'm sorry. I would say either ask your partner to take time off work and let him sleep train her - I wouldn't try CIO yourself when youre already feeling fragile as I can imagine it would be very upsetting for you. Or just cosleep and go to bed when she does for a while. Its not a long term solution but will hopefully allow you to catch up on some sleep and feel stronger. Even if she still gets up before 5am then thats okay if you went to sleep at 7pm. Good luck

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Chronic sleep deprivation is horrendous and damages every other element of our mental and physical health. It has been by far the most difficult part of parenting for me, and one of the biggest reasons we won't be having a second baby. And our experience was not as tough as yours sounds, even just from the point of view that there were two of us here every night, so we did get to share the load between us. I really feel for you.

Definitely, as others have said, contact your Health Visitor and your GP about this. You need some help before you reach absolute breaking point with your mental health. The only other practical thing I can suggest is going to bed as soon as your daughter does in the evenings. I did this for a while just to bank as much as I could before the first inevitable wake up.

The other thing I will say is that it does improve with time. My little boy is 2 and 90% of the time, now sleeps through the night. There was a time I genuinely thought this would never happen. I know that's not necessarily helpful immediately while you're exhausted and desperate, but there will be a day when you can look back, heave a sigh of relief, and congratulate yourself that you had the strength and resolve to survive it. You're doing amazingly well under really difficult circumstances

To be honest I can't remember exactly how we did it now, that whole period of my life is such a blur. I think what I tried was something like ... leaving her for 5 minutes, then going in. Doing shushy noises and patting her but no eye contact and no picking up. Then 6 minutes, then going in. Then 7 minutes etc. I don't think she ever got beyond 10 minutes of crying before she tired herself out. I found it very helpful to actually go downstairs or put earplugs in/headphones on so I couldn't hear her crying during the intervals. I'd always do a quick nappy sniff too (gross, sorry) to make sure she hadn't actually done a poo.

She still cries for a couple of minutes before sleep now, most nights. I don't feel good about it but it's only ever for a few minutes and I see it as a way that she just really tires herself out before sleeping deeply. She will then go through until at least 6am every night.

I really wish you the best of luck, I know you're going through hell - there is a reason they use sleep deprivation as a torture method. The good thing is that one unbroken night of sleep will do wonders for your mental health and a few weeks after you've cracked it you will look back at your life now as if it happened to a stranger.

You know what to do. Stop feeding her in the night. Stop taking her into your bed to stop her screaming. When she wakes up, go to comfort her but tell her that night time is for sleep, not for anything else. Then leave the room. Repeat as many times as necessary.

You are the adult. She is the baby. Your will is (or should be) stronger. She will give up before you and start sleeping through the night once her metabolism readjusts you not feeding in the middle of the night.

You will have a couple of tough nights but then everyone will sleep through the night and both you and your baby will feel much better.

Teething will start soon and if you don't do this now, you probably won't be able to do it. So woman up and start tonight!

How are you getting on this week OP?

Have you looked into allergies or intolerances OP? If she is waking that much during the night and is so distressed it could be that she's in pain? Reflux perhaps?