Broken. I don't know what to do to fix this.

[whatevenissleepanymore]

My 10 month old daughters poor sleeping has wore me down so much at this point that I'm now beginning to feel suicidal. I find myself having constant dark thoughts and the longer that it persists on for the more intense that they seem to be getting.

I know deep down that my plummeting moods and the irrational thoughts and feelings I'm having all stem from months of severe sleep deprivation but I don't know how I am supposed to fix this. I'm not in any financial position to be able to fund a sleep consultant for advice, I'm to worn out and my brain is to frazzled to attempt to try any sleep training, I feel like I'm stuck in a vicious cycle and quite frankly can feel myself giving up.

She's just never fucking slept. Ever. Well not independently anyway. She will sleep in bursts of maybe 20/30 minutes - up to an hour at a time if I'm really lucky and then will stand bolt upright and scream inconsolably really distressed in her cot until I get her out of the cot and lay down with her and will then continue to wake all night long before she wakes for the day anywhere between 4:30-5:00am! I just can't do it any longer. I always try laying her down and shushing and patting countless times before I cave in and bring her into bed with me but it takes forever for her to settle and when she does it's for minutes and the whole process starts once again. The only way I manage to really calm her is to shove a bottle in her mouth - she will drink maybe an oz and then fall back asleep but even this doesn't work all the time.

She eats 3 solid meals a day, her milk intake is fine, temp of her room is perfectly fine, has blackout curtains, a white noise machine.. I just don't understand it.

Ive tried gentle sleep training methods in the past to try and help improve her sleeping habits and it's never made the slightest bit of difference. Ive never tried controlled crying like friends/family have suggested because quite frankly I know how stubborn my baby is and considering how unstable I already feel at the moment I don't know if I am mentally strong enough to deal with hours upon hours upon hours of crying for it to not work in the end anyway. I'm scared if that where to happen it really would push me over the edge and during a particularly bad moment I'd do something to myself out of sheer desperation.

I don't know what in particularly looking for posting this here. I just need someone to talk to.

Have you got any support? Is there a family member or good friend you could call on for help?

Hi, that sounds really tough.
To start with you need to visit your GP urgently and get some help for depression. This is the first and most important step to making thing better.
Your little girl needs a healthy mummy to be able to thrive.

Secondly, your doing a fantastic job. Parenting is hard especially when they don’t sleep well.
How does she sleep in the day? Good daytime sleep leads to goo nighttime sleep.
I’m not a fan of controlled crying at all however I have done it with my DD as a last resort. It’s hard to do sometimes but honestly for us it’s always worked.
You need to be feeling a little better though really before you tackle that.

You don’t mentions her dad, is he around? Can he take over for a night. Or any grandparents willing to have her for the night to let you have a rest?

I am really sorry for you and I remember how dark those times were for me.

I strongly urge you to consider sleep training. It may not take as long as you think. We cracked it in one night. Is she sleeping in a separate room to you?

Are you a single parent? You haven't mentioned a partner at all?

I advise ruling out health issues first, for example CMPA and/or reflux can cause sleep problems (my DS had silent reflux caused by CMPA). Once the reflux was under control, we sleep trained. When severe sleep deprivation is affecting your mental health to this extent, sleep training is the only way.

We tried gentle methods but they didn't work and had to do controlled crying, it was difficult for a few nights but it did work and IT WAS SO WORTH IT.

I was not comfortable leaving baby to cry when I knew there was something wrong, though, which was why we had to sort the reflux first.

How does she sleep during the day? Does she nap properly? She sounds very seriously over tired to me. I would go back to basics - ditch the white noise machine. 5pm tea time, 5.30 bath time, 6pm milk & stories and then lights out.

Get her comfy, pop her down in the cot, leave the door open a crack for a tiny bit of light and go downstairs. Put some headphones in so you cant hear the screaming & set a timer for 15 minutes. If she is still screaming then, go upstairs, give her a cuddle for 5 minutes, then pop her back in the cot & start again.

Honestly, she will be absolutely fine, although I know it doesnt feel like it! It sounds like you really need to bring in the big guns as you cant go on like this.

I’m so sorry, it sounds absolutely awful for both of you. You are incredible to have coped with this for as long as you have.

I don’t have any advice for what you can do with your DD - it sounds like you’ve tried everything, and I definitely see what you mean about CC if your mood is already so low.

I was wondering if you’ve spoken to your health visitor? She may be able to offer extra support, in some areas they have sleep specialists they can refer to or even HVs with extra training in issues around sleep. It might also be worth contacting your GP about your own mental health. Your feelings are completely normal given what you are going through, but they are still here and they are very serious. You’ll have heard this before of course, I hope it doesn’t sound patronising, but you do need to look after yourself in order to look after your baby.

It sounds like she is bottle fed. Is there anyone (her dad? a grandparent?) who could take over for a couple of nights while you go and stay somewhere else and catch up on a little bit of sleep? DD might not be very happy but she’ll survive, and from reading your post it sounds like the most urgent need here is for you to have a chunk of sleep. Clearly you can’t carry on like this. She will miss you for a couple of nights, of course, but she would miss you a lot more if you were to act on the suicidal thoughts you are having.

How is her day sleep? Is she getting any decent sleep at all?

Sending you lots of tea and cake and an unmumsnetty hug

@Loubylou9162 I do have a partner who is incredibly supportive and understanding but he works night shifts from Monday-Friday 9-6am so is very rarely ever home to help out during the evenings. He does as best as he can over the course of the weekends but DD seems to reject his attempts - If it isn't me that comforts or settles her her crying and rage seems to persist for a much lengthy period of time. My parents are great, but live 60 miles from me and are elderly so I couldn't burden them with this. Unfortunately I lost contact with most of my friends when I became pregnant so I don't have anyone other than my partner to rely on really.

I know I need professional help with regards to the way I'm feeling but that also won't resolve DD sleeping issue which makes me feel like what's the point in pursuing it, they will more than likely prescribe tablets and usher me back out of the door to return home back to the hell im currently living.

I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Can you go to bed when she does? I remember being totally broken when my second was 10 months so I'd go to bed at 7- reverse lie in we'd call it. It's not ideal but you just need some sleep. Also I know you said you don't have spare cash but you can get a mother's help for minimum wage for a couple of hours a week so you can have a nap. It will get better with time but you just need a bit of sleep to take the edge off.

I will tell you what I did, & hope it helps.
I don't what to tell you what to do

My DDs father left me when I was 7 months pregnant after 10 years together.

I was in complete shock, then gave birth on my own and then we went home.

She screamed, I couldn't put her down.
It was awful, really really hard.
I only tried her in her cot for ONE night as I just couldn't cope with the screaming in the day & then at night.

My mood was very very low as well.

I got a bed guard for toddlers and put that on my bed (her side)

I kept her in with me every night, it was better for my mental health. I didn't have to get out of bed, I was utterly exhausted mentally & physically.

Would you consider that? She might settle being next to you, maybe that is what she needs.

My DD was in a sling most of the day as well, as she was so bloody 'high needs'

I remember the very low points OP, I really do.
I had quite instrusive thoughts, anxiety, all sorts going on.

But I took it minute by minute, day by day, forget text book babies!

You do need to speak to someone as well, health visitor or G.P.

Also I used to give DD porridge in the evening, and warm milk, to settle her.

Best of luck, please take care & you will both get through this OP

Also as above, I went to bed at 7 every night as well, due to exhaustion. I had a t.v up there, and took up tea & snacks.

DD also never slept in the day.

I had one of these, and he broke me. Well done for being honest and open about how this is affecting you.

For us, the only thing that really worked was co-sleeping and we started this at about this age. It was life changing for me because it meant I got some rest at last. At 6, he still needs help to go to sleep but usually sleeps most of the night independently (and if not I just hop into bed with him).

In hindsight, some of his issues would have been caused by silent reflux and a milk allergy which he did eventually grow out of, so you could try medication for that route.

My second child was a much better sleeper, slept 6-6 from 6 weeks old (but still had usual sleep regression behaviours). I didn’t do anything difficult, some babies are just difficult when it comes to sleep. What’s she like in the day? Chilled or high maintenance?

Given your partner works nights, I'm assuming he's round in the day (albiet so that he can rest and sleep). As soon as he comes home (and baby will likely be up for the day then), you go to bed, whilst he looks after the baby. If he normally sleeps 7 hour, he now sleeps 4, and you take the rest, several times a week
You'll both be very tired, but it should half balance out just how utterly exhausted you are.

I was the same with DD where I felt like killing myself was the only means of escape but I eventually gave in paid Andrea Grace for phone consulation and it was best money I ever spent. I looked and she charges 325 now for the full package or 180 for one off consultation which is still a fair bit of money I know but it is not so much considering it saved my sanity and my health absolutely.

@whatevenissleepanymore
No, getting professional help won’t solve her sleep problems but with the correct help For you you’ll be better equip to deal with it.
Such dark thoughts don’t just go away on their own.
My partner has been having dark thoughts for a long time now which he didn’t seek help for because he also didn’t see the point. 2 months ago he Attempted suicide, it was horrendous and now he’s getting the right help he’s so much better and he can see why he should have sought help before it got to this point. That’s not intended to scare you just to share my experience of untreated mental health issues.
It’s entirely up to you of course but I’d be tempted to say it sounds like you need to be tough. At 10 months old she’s capable of settling for her daddy she’s just used to having you there at night. I personally would say ok daddy your in charge tonight in off duty, pop some headphones in and go to bed. No harm will come to her she’s with her daddy. She may not like it but she will be fine. You need to rest. Your no good to her if your feeling so broken.

Does she nap well in the day? She really does sound overtired. My DD is 19 months old and still if she doesn’t have at least an hours naps in the day she’s so overtired and difficult at night.

"some of his issues would have been caused by silent reflux and a milk allergy which he did eventually grow out of, so you could try medication for that route."

If the reflux is caused by cow's milk allergy, you don't need medication, you just need to cut out cow's milk. In some cases medication is needed too but in our case it wasn't. Once the cows milk was out of DS's system the reflux stopped and he didn't need medication.

But also worth getting checked by GP. It turned out I had under active thyroid which exacerbated my low mood and tiredness and is quite common after pregnancy.

None sleeping babies are the worst. I had one that sounds similar to yours. A 4 hour chunk at 1y was worthy of celebrations. And a 4 hour chunk of sleep for you will make a massive difference. See if you can find a way to get it - maybe as soon as your partner comes in from work until mid morning?
Also, please do see the GP. Yes, they might well hand over sone AD's and shove you out of the door, but if the tablets remove some of the depression I suspect you are suffering from, the sleep deprivation becomes a little easier to deal with.

I'd give co-sleeping or sleep training a go, for a couple of weeks. Mine didnt respond to sleep training , so while it is most certainly worth a go, it might not achieve what you want.

with lots of and

You poor, poor thing. I can totally sympathise. Sleep deprivation shakes you to the very core. We’re still going through it here now so no real advice other than to reinforce what other posters have said- seek help, talk to your GP or HV, call on any form of guidance you can get (as you’ve done here). Once it gets so bad you can’t make sense of the situation on your own because your brain is simply to exhausted to think straight.

I have found the Lucy Wolfe sleep solution book really helpful and she has lots of free videos on her instagram and YouTube. Perhaps you could start by watching one of those.

This is a phase. A really, really hard phase. But it will pass and it’s about getting through it with as much gentle care and attention for yourself and LO as you can manage.

OP, babies need comfort to feel safe.

I co-slept with both of mine for years. It was the only way to get sleep, for all of us. DS1 is 7, he's been sleeping all night every night in his own bed since he was 5. DS2 is 4, he gets up and comes into my bed in the middle of the night.

Neither slept in a cot, they just went straight into a bed.

If this isn't something you've tried, it's worth a go.

(Sorry, re-read OP and saw that you bring her to bed. I suggest just riding this out by going to bed/sleep when she goes to bed, and keep her with you. This way, when she gets up at 4.30, you've had a few hours).

My huge sympathies. I had one of these!
Everyone thinks they have a solution but we found that although some think he helped it didn’t fix it. Teen dc still struggles with sleep a bit now.

Try controlled crying. We did at that age. It didn’t totally fix the problem but the stretches between waking got much longer. If you partner can take a few days off that would be a good time to try- I’d have struggled on my own.

Once we got the sleep stretches to 4 or so hours, we would start in cot but come into my bed for any waking after about midnight and found settling was a bit quicker. Gradually those stopped until it was only a couple of times a week. Early mornings lasted a long time though!

Bizarrely I found that a later bedtime made everything worse do we always aimed for 6-6.30 pm light out.

Sleep deprivation is awful, I really hope it gets better soon

This will sound ridiculous but I had a friend who did it.
If you have a shed, garage or outhouse, set yourself up with a campbed and plenty of duvets and leave your partner to it each weekend night. If she cries, she cries. He deals with it and does not disturb you. Put some earplugs in and get two solid undisturbed nights.
At this stage it's self preservation. You or her.

It's not really "you or her", it's a false dichotomy. If you're on your knees with exhaustion you can't be the best parent - I was a much better parent once I started getting more sleep, so it was in my baby's interest as well as mine. Plus he was sleep deprived and needed more sleep. So sleep training was short term pain for long term gain for both (all) of us.

Oh goodness OP, you poor thing. Sleep deprivation is torture for a reason - I went to some very dark places in the first year with my daughter, who was also an appalling sleeper.

I'd really recommend you speak to your Health Visitor, in addition to your GP. There will be advice and support available. My HV was amazing and had some great practical sleep advice. They get a hard time on here but a lot of HVs are brilliant.

On the sleep training front - you'll find a thousand recommendations and pieces of advice on MN. When you're sleep deprived, all of these techniques feel overwhelming, so take a step back from that if it's getting too much. I used the Little Ones sleep programme to sort out my DD's daytime naps and to fix a routine, and the nights steadily improved after that. Happy to share some of the resources with you if that would be helpful.

Try to hang on. It's so awful, but this doesn't last forever.

This looks great OP, I never knew it existed -

www.cry-sis.org.uk/

Call them today, if you manage it and just let it all out. 96,000 people have visited the site!

Also -

maternalmentalhealthalliance.org/resources/mums-and-families/