Not coping well with a newborn

[Birdy1991]

I have a 2.5 week old DD and I am really not coping well with her sleep patterns at night. She can sleep all day (usually starts as soon as we have given up on going back to sleep and have gotten up, very frustrating) and then when 11pm hits she will wake and sometimes go back down for around half an hour and 45 minutes at some point during the night but she sometimes just won’t settle. Sometimes there’s crying but other times it’s wriggling and fidgeting. Myself and DP are at our wits end and it’s affecting our relationship. She gets quite windy and we have just started infacol so I’m hoping that’ll help. Otherwise we check she doesn’t need feeding and she has a clean bum etc. We often end up in bed at 8,30pm just to get a few hours before she first wakes up but this isn’t always enough to get me through the night without crying. I had a c section and haven’t had the time to recover and physically I feel like crap. DP is amazing and deals well with the nights but I feel guilty because sitting up in bed hurts my wound. I also had a traumatic birth and generally feel low so when the night comes round I feel a looming sense of dread. I miss my old life and look at my newborn and don’t feel the overwhelming rush of love I should, I don’t know if this is due to the anxiety of night time or a sign of something more but I am very volatile and can burst into tears at any moment. I am just giving up BF at the moment because of the added stress on my mental health (baby doesn’t latch well) and my boobs get sore and rock hard which adds to my physical pain.

Anyone any tips for sleeping (tried white noise, swaddling etc with some success but this varies from time to time)? Does this feeling get better and is it possible I have PND?

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way although I know a lot of people do. It's really difficult those first few weeks but I promise it gets easier. Your baby will soon learn to distinguish day from night but you can help her by making sure it is light during the day and dark at night.

My DD is 4 months old now but at the beginning she was very fussy and we were feeding her infacol with every feed. We also introduced a dummy at 4 weeks which was a game changer as prior to this she would cry and watch to latch just for the comfort rather than being hungry.

If she is sleeping most of the day in a cot (not all can) then I would definitely get some sleep yourself during the day. It's difficult when breastfeeding as your partner can't help out i that way but he can change nappies and look after you by feeding you and doing the household chores which you won't be able to especially after a csection.

It sounds to me like you would benefit from a chat to your health visitor as it's possible you have PND but they may also be able to refer you to a lactation consultant for help with your baby's latch.

Oh, I remember early weeks being pretty tough with sleep 😕 but honestly, it really starts to settle to more routine wakings.

With mine I made sure that when we got up at night, I never left the bedroom with them, used a very dim night light. Basically kept it very night-timey and definitely no going off and making it seem like we are getting up. Daytime try to get out for a couple of hours walking / sitting in garden etc.

Hope your little one gets more settled for you soon

spend tomorrow in bed, watch a series you love, have food brought to you (or get yourself a pile of food and drinks first thing). Only cuddle that baby (skin to skin), sleep, cuddle, sleep this is such good advice.

Ignore the unhelpful snide remarks from a PP. Comments like that are exactly why new mums are so hard on themselves/ourselves. No-one is expecting to pop out a baby, be back home that evening then settle down for 8 hours uninterrupted sleep! The reality of those first few weeks is harsh and I don't think you can prepare for them.
To be honest you just have to get through them. Struggling doesn't mean you love your child any less and it does become a distant blurry memory.

[quote Birdy1991]@Feminist10101 way to be unkind?! I have not complained about the fact that baby needs to be held a lot, only asked for advice. Rude.[/quote]
It wasn’t intended to be rude. You’d have to have known nobody who had had a baby to not realise that they don’t sleep, surely.

(I had a traumatic labour at 42 weeks that lasted 68 hours (plus 3 nights without sleep before that) so I do get it. But I didn’t expect to sleep much for the first few months having seen others’ experiences and read about newborns.)

@Feminist10101 I don’t want to argue with you, but I didn’t complain about the fact they don’t sleep. Again, I was asking for advice on ways to help settle her and some reassurance about my mental state.

Please go and bother someone else.

@Elmo230885 thank you for being kind 😊

@dumpling123 again, thank you for being kind!

I know I’ll make it through just maybe needed some reassurance, I should have known that there’s always people on Mumsnet that can’t help themselves but make snide comments!

Hello

I haven't read through all the other comments so probably repeating what's been said but just wanted to say that I remember that feeling so well. My boy is about to turn 1 and I remember those early days just wondering what the hell I had done! I dreaded nights, felt sick constantly with anxiety/worry and just wasn't coping. BUT it did get better. If I could go back in time I would tell myself that everything is a phase! I know it's so hard just now but it will get better. What you are feeling is normal but have you also thought about speaking to someone? I didn't want to but my mum took (dragged) me to the doctor and I'm so glad she did. I think you should give it a try.

In terms of sleep - my boy had night and day completely mixed up too. He slept like a dream all day but then was up all night. At about 5 weeks old I started trying to tackle this by keeping him up longer during the day after his bottle. Not too long but even just 45 mins and made sure the room was light, I was talking to him or the tv/music on just to give him some stimulation. I put him down to sleep in his Moses basket in the living room while it was light and then at 'bed time' I changed it and made the room dark. Obviously he still woke for feeds but I made sure it was dark. The night/day thing does sort itself out. I think it just takes some babies longer than others.

Hang in there. It is difficult, I know, but things get better. It may not seem like it just now but I promise it does. This time next year you'll be on here giving someone else advice on how you got through the early days and weeks.

You've got this xx

Just to add - one thing I really struggled with was the lack of routine! At about 5 weeks old I started a rough bedtime routine - bath, dark room, bottle, bed. I know it's young and people may disagree but I found it gave me a sense of control. I also forced myself to go for a walk in the morning even if it was down the road and back. I know you may not manage that yet but when you can I would recommend it. Even on days I really couldn't face it I would force myself and it did make a difference I think. Yours obviously doesn't have to be anything physical just now! Wait until your body is healed but just choose anything at all and a time to do it (morning/after lunch, whenever!) xx

@Mum2b2020 I have introduced infacol! Fingers crossed, the wind looks so uncomfortable for her bless her ☹️

I’ve not had chance to read every post but our dc have always slept on their front and would never settle on their backs. Now before I get shot...... I know this isn’t what is recommended but is there anyway you and DH could take it in turns over night, so she was never unattended.
If she settled on her tummy asleep, one of you does the first 4 hours whilst the other stays up/watches her and then swap over. I know this may not be ideal but if she slept like that, it might give you just a few hours sleep for a night or two just to re charge your energy and start to recover. It might not be a safe long term solution but when needs must, it might just allow you to deal with things a bit easier for now?

Also adding what PPs have said - early on DD also didn't sleep at night a lot but was sleeping 8-10 hour stretches just a couple months later, the first couple weeks are just awful! Truly. We did work hard to get DD to see day/night - we kept her in the dark from 7-7, started doing a little bed time routine at about 4 weeks. She would usually settle early in the night ok and then need to be held to sleep later in the night - DH would hold her in the dark, watching movies on his phone so we could try and keep her sleeping for as much night as possible.

Re your feelings and mental health - it's not talked about nearly enough, but it really is normal to not feel that rush of love. I asked DH multiple times whether we could give DD back in the first few weeks and for the first 3-4 months I really regretted having a child. However, somewhere between 6 and 9 months that feeling really did disappear and I am happy we have her now. If you do have a history of depression you are much more likely to have PND - you can probably self refer for talking therapy - try googling your local borough and talking therapy. You should be prioritised as a new mum. I found CBT hugely helpful for depression and anxiety.

@Feminist10101 whether or not you intended to rude, everyone thinks you're being unhelpful... so you clearly need to work on your tone as no one is receiving your comments as helpful! Even if you "know" that newborns don't sleep that much, actually going through the relentlessness of it is a completely different story.

@Happyhappyday thanks for your lovely and helpful message. It’s good to know I wasn’t alone in asking if I had made a mistake and give her back! Every day I am slowly adjusting a little bit more though. Just feel worried about my partners welfare doing most of the nights. I have thought about CBT so will look into it for Postnatal anxiety or PND thank you 😊

OP you say you check she "doesn't need feeding" - and I know you said you find BF to be extra stress - but could you try feeding her anyway when she fusses? In the early days babies do a lot of cluster feeding (long feeding sessions) and the beauty with BF is you can just let her do that, you don't have to be on a strict feeding schedule. Just a suggestion - if this is not applicable or helpful in your situation, just ignore!

If it's just the latch that's the problem - have you had a lactation consultant in? They are brilliant and can often help much better than HV.

It’s really really hard when you’ve had a long labour ending in a c section.
My second is 3 weeks old. I’m combination feeding for various reasons and mine is very windy. Rub the back in an upright position, then with them on across your legs, bicycle their legs. Keep going gently in different positions until you get some good belches and farts out of them. It’s worth it because then they sleep longer. Better still get someone else to wind them. Also warm up wherever you’re going to put them down when they’re asleep with a hot water bottle as it usually fools them. A dummy sometimes works and I’ve propped the head end of the Moses basket up because mines hot reflux and that was what the hospital recommended.
It does get easier and if you can hand the baby over to someone else for a couple of nights and get some sleep it will get better much quicker

You could be me! I had the 60 hour labour ending in c section too. Baby wouldn't sleep and was so windy. I cried all the time and didn't feel myself for at least 6 weeks. So so normal. Definitely be kind to yourself. I know you said you have a history of depression, however it might not be that. I don't feel like i was depressed. I was just reacting to the traumatic situation I found myself in. You are recovering from major surgery on no sleep with raging hormones. Feel for you! The best advice I can give is with time it will pass (my babe is 6 months now and a little delight who I love - although sleep still isn't amazing lol ). You also won't die from lack of sleep (this helped me weirdly). Infacol helped a bit. Also hold baby over your shoulder and do light, quick pats high up between the shoulder blades to wind. Also tip her left and right. Sending love

@Birdy1991 I'm sorry you're finding this time tough, but I hope some of the lovely posts have helped to reassure you and make you feel a bit more positive that times will get better.

I don't have anything to add- first time mum to be, so got it all to come in March!
I just wanted to say thank you for being honest about struggling. I'm worried I'm going to find it tough to start with, and as much as I know it will be tough, I think it's impossible to really understand till you're living it.
Sometimes it feels like everyone else is coping perfectly, but I think it's so important to know it's ok to not be ok sometimes.

I hope the routine comes soon and you start to enjoy the next stages.
I think you sound like a super mum- you clearly care so much x

I couldn't read this without feeling reminded of my own experience.
I didn't feel immediately bonded with my son when he was first born. This came as a real shock to me after everyone telling me that I would be "rushed" with love and emotion. I felt guilty and confused. The bonding developed over time and I don't think I noticed the feeling until he was about 6 weeks old.
Newborn sleep is so hard. There's a few things that we tried. The best purchase we made was a cosy rocking/nusring chair, really helped to soothe him to sleep and was comfortable for us for extended amounts of time. We still couldn't put him down, so it meant a lot of binging TV series and movie marathons! Before the rocking chair arrived my DH would cradle him in his arms and bounce on the birthing ball. This also worked through the purple crying phase. We co-slept, despite what our health visitor said. On the few occasions that he would sleep without being held it was always in a Sleepyhead that had been pre-warmed with a hot water bottle. During the day the sling was the only way to take him anywhere, he hated being put in the pram. We staggered our bedtimes, so DH would go to sleep early and I would do late evening duty, then he would be on early morning duty and I would get a couple of hours sleep alone (although this only worked for us because he is a morning person and I'm a night owl).
We had some friends who told us that they made a deal that any snappy comments made to each other during the night were "off the record". We employed this which helped a lot! It meant that because we knew in advance that we were likely to snap at each other, it was easier to get over and not take anything too much to heart.
It's a long slog, but eventually you'll fall into a routine and it will become a bit easier.