Not coping well with a newborn

[Birdy1991]

I have a 2.5 week old DD and I am really not coping well with her sleep patterns at night. She can sleep all day (usually starts as soon as we have given up on going back to sleep and have gotten up, very frustrating) and then when 11pm hits she will wake and sometimes go back down for around half an hour and 45 minutes at some point during the night but she sometimes just won’t settle. Sometimes there’s crying but other times it’s wriggling and fidgeting. Myself and DP are at our wits end and it’s affecting our relationship. She gets quite windy and we have just started infacol so I’m hoping that’ll help. Otherwise we check she doesn’t need feeding and she has a clean bum etc. We often end up in bed at 8,30pm just to get a few hours before she first wakes up but this isn’t always enough to get me through the night without crying. I had a c section and haven’t had the time to recover and physically I feel like crap. DP is amazing and deals well with the nights but I feel guilty because sitting up in bed hurts my wound. I also had a traumatic birth and generally feel low so when the night comes round I feel a looming sense of dread. I miss my old life and look at my newborn and don’t feel the overwhelming rush of love I should, I don’t know if this is due to the anxiety of night time or a sign of something more but I am very volatile and can burst into tears at any moment. I am just giving up BF at the moment because of the added stress on my mental health (baby doesn’t latch well) and my boobs get sore and rock hard which adds to my physical pain.

Anyone any tips for sleeping (tried white noise, swaddling etc with some success but this varies from time to time)? Does this feeling get better and is it possible I have PND?

I should also add that baby wont sleep anywhere but in our arms, I did not want to co sleep at all but appear to have no choice. She will rarely sleep even laying just next to me, she has to be held at all times.

2.5 weeks is so early! Don't put pressure on yourself, this is completely normal for a newborn. It takes time for them to learn night and day.

I think you need to speak to your health visitor and talk about how you're feeling.

It gets easier!

@India999 I spoke to my HV and she was not that helpful. She said it was normal at this stage to feel so emotional and mentioned my previous history of depression(?!) but then left it at that. I thought it might be a trigger that I may be offered more support.

I feel very scared by the unpredictability of having a newborn and have even thought I wish I didn’t have her ☹️ I feel like the worst human being in the world.

Ugh I remember that feeling of dreading going to bed so well.

If you can get a couple of hours' sleep during the day or will help you feel better. Your DD will sort herself out at some point I promise but you will be amazed by how much better a bit of sleep makes you feel, whenever you get it. It did affect how you feel about the baby etc. Be very very kind to yourself, it's tough.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling I can really hear the desperation and I promise you it will get better. It does sound like you might have some PND so do speak to the GP or HV. But even then it is still hard work and it’s ok to say that.

Everything you describe however is completely normal and natural newborn behaviour though, wanting to be held all the time, held whilst sleeping, awake more at night. Babies are biologically programmed to want to be with us all the time, for safety and our bodies help to regulate their bodies. Being normal doesn’t make it easier, but it might help to know nothing she’s doing is ‘bad’ or indicative of a problem. She’s just being a normal baby. Ive linked an article at the bottom that might help shed some light.

If she’s sleeping in the day can you sleep then? Adjust your expectations for a while and try to do as she’s doing rather than trying to force her into an unnatural pattern that’s clearly causing you distress?

www.carolsmyth.co.uk/breastfeeding-resources/posts/2020/august/breastfeeding-normal-baby-behaviours-in-an-abnormal-society/?fbclid=IwAR3h-cow5Wab1vmZApRH3L1BffLz28_B4h5qrLZ8lZ1X3t9XlD5rThbXNqY

It sounds very normal to me. Sometimes bonding takes time. Yes, a baby will ruin your sleep and test your relationship. It could be PND, you should get tested just in case but otherwise it sounds very normal to me.

My twins had reflux and cried nonstop from 2 weeks to about 4-5 months. It peaked at 8-10 weeks

What helped here was having them in a carrier, letting them sleep on our chests, and I recommend getting a Naturesway hammock (with motor if you're really desperate)

Just hang in there and believe it gets better. One twin here has slept through the night (8/10 times) since he was 6 months old.

Try to sleep whenever she is. Don't bother about cleaning. Let your DP or maybe your mum help you with that.

Hi @BuffaloCauliflower we have been getting down for two hours in the day which does definitely help. We are staying at DPs parents at the moment and they have been no end of help and it has meant we can get some extra hours sleep. I think I am struggling after a 55 hour labour and emergency c section to recover as well, I did not sleep through my entire labour so was already disadvantaged IFYSWIM.

I guess mostly I just have to roll with these times and hope they go quickly.

Will make a GP appointment tomorrow i think.

I went through the same with a bad newborn sleeper and a c-section I felt I couldn’t recover from.

The things I tried were: got a sleepyhead and put it in the cosleeper with the side down (some may not recommend this!), went out early in the morning (before 9am) for a walk as I was told early daylight helped babies learn between night and day, and a noise machine.

Honestly I’m not sure if they helped or not because I don’t know how it would have been if I didn’t use them. But it really did al get better. And the walks (as soon as I was physically able) helped me.

Please don’t feel guilty or like a bad person. You’re not a bad person; those feelings are really normal but equally don’t ignore them. You can self-refer for help with PND (I will see if I can find a link...). You’ve been through something massive, let your DH help as much as he can so you can recover.

Also recommend naps in the day.

This is very normal at this stage and you don't need to worry that your baby will be like this forever, although I know it's terrible when you're in it. Try white noise and a gro snug bag instead of swaddling. And try sleeping in shifts with your husband so you each get a decent break - one goes 8-2am, the other 2am till morning. It's so hard but there will not be many nights like this. Ditto not feeling the love when you are so broken and tired and scared.

Have strength. And trust the joy will come later (it will) xx

@Birdy1991 completely. You started tired and haven’t been able to catch yourself up, makes sense glad your DH and in laws are being helpful. Definitely sleep as much as you can when she’s asleep. As you’ve decided to stop breastfeeding someone else being able to give a bottle while you sleep will help to. Definitely speak to the GP, but know that you’re not weird or anything for feeling this way or not getting that big rush of love, it’s so much more common than you’d think especially with difficult labours. It also might be worth seeing if you can do a birth reflections session? Speak to the midwives/hospital. It can help to work through that difficult experience.

At a quick glance, I think self referral info can be found here:
patient.info/treatment-medication/self-referral/refer-yourself-for-nhs-talking-therapy-counselling

I self referred for therapy and it was very easy and quick. At the moment it would probably all be on Zoom also.

Well done, OP. You survived a difficult birth, 2.5 weeks of painful breastfeeding and your baby is healthy and loved.
You are doing so well. Going to bed at 8.30 (or 7) is the perfect thing to do to snatch those few hours. Try and grab some more sleep during the day if you can.
At this age there's not much you can do to help them sleep...a lot of babies love to be held, so maybe you could lie down on your bed together to sleep. If you do this, make sure you check out safe co-sleeping advice.
If this doesnt work then dont worry, OP, this feels like eternity but it will only last a few weeks and YES, for many people it is the hardest challenge you will ever face.
No, I dont think you have PND, I think you are utterly exhausted and traumatised from the birth. So please be kind to yourself. Chocolate, baths (if you can), taking turns to have naps. Cry as mych as you want. Your hormones are all over the place and you need time to settle.

I had a traumatic birth with DS and felt just as you describe (traumatised, trapped, numb, in shock, exhausted). The thing that helped me bond with him was bathing together. The love began to trickle in slowly...but it grew.
Please, Birdy, spend tomorrow in bed, watch a series you love, have food brought to you (or get yourself a pile of food and drinks first thing). Only cuddle that baby (skin to skin), sleep, cuddle, sleep.
Housework will still be here next week.

It’s so hard. I was on my own and didn’t bother going to bed, I just stayed on the couch for the first month because I hated being woken up from a proper sleep.

Definitely just grab hours where you can and it will get better.

The first few weeks are so so hard. I was a mess, crying all the time, anxious, couldn't sleep (even when he did sleep which was never).

I didn't feel "love" for him exactly. I wanted to protect him, desperately, but I didn't havr the energy for any emotion bigger than that.

Do not feel guilty for a second to take time to recover. You need to. You have had major surgery. I had bad tearing and couldn't sit down for weeks and it is hell. Give yourself a break and take every second of help that is offered.

I also wouldn't worry about your relationship right now. The next few weeks are about survival, they are unlikely to affect your relationship long term. My baby is 8 months now and I barely remember how it was then. I just know I felt like crap, then at about 6 weeks it got easier and at 3 months, it got way easier. Now at 8 months, everything is fine.

@Birdy1991 google the 4th trimester and all of this will make sense to you. I know it doesn't help when you're going through it but it's all completely normal and will get better. Baby has been all comfy and warm inside of you for 9 months, it's a MASSIVE transition for them. They still seek that warmth and security.

i realised my post is all about me. I'm sorry. I just wanted to say you're far from alone in your feelings.

You are going to be fine. Your baby is healthy and looked after and that's all they need right now.

Google fourth trimester. Babies want to be held constantly. This is absolutely normal because there’s a theory that all human babies are born 3 months premature.

I have to wonder what you expected, to be honest.

@Feminist10101 way to be unkind?! I have not complained about the fact that baby needs to be held a lot, only asked for advice. Rude.

Thanks to all the other posters for the helpful comments. I’ll look into self referring 😊

Dancing has put it really well - to begin with you feel protective but not much more. This is normal, it doesn't make you a bad mum not to feel anything else. Just keep reminding yourself you are meeting their needs: food, sleep, touch is really all they want at this point. And to cry as they adjust to being in the world.

It's the worst time ever - when mine were that little I was willing the hours to go by - but every week is noticeably easier and by 6 weeks you are out of the worst so you are already halfway through, and sound like you are doing so well with how you are coping xx

I have to wonder what you expected, to be honest.

I don't think anybody is really prepared for a non sleeping baby, or what no sleep feels like, how the sudden change in your life affects you, or how horrendous you can feel after a short period of time even if it is temporary. Maybe when we all lived together and saw other people's babies people might have understood a bit. As it stands, this bit of your post is extremely unhelpful and bordering on cruel when the op is quite obviously struggling.

This is completely normal newborn behaviour. You must be exhausted after a difficult labour and recover from surgery but you honestly shouldn’t expect anything other than time to improve it. Sleep when you can, accept it’l be broken sleep and do the bare minimum otherwise.

@Feminist10101

Google fourth trimester. Babies want to be held constantly. This is absolutely normal because there’s a theory that all human babies are born 3 months premature.

I have to wonder what you expected, to be honest.

The second part of your comment is not in any way helpful to the OP and serves purely to mum-shame which is very irresponsible given how she's already feeling. Clearly you've been very lucky to always have things turn out as you have expected. I thought I knew what to expect when having a baby but absolutely nothing could have prepared me for the reality.

Hello, I have a two week old baby - my third - and had forgotten how little they sleep! It’s a shock to the system for me too, and I’m not dealing with recovery from C section and knew what was coming - so go easy on yourself. Given everything that’s going on, please don’t feel guilty that you aren’t existing in some kind of bubble of newborn/new motherhood bliss - I have never experienced that. IMHO newborns are extremely hard work!!
We are coping by making sure I have a nap every afternoon either with or without the baby. We bedshare and DH is in a separate bedroom at the moment at night time - it’s worth looking at guidelines for safe bedsharing if you do this. I don’t think I’d be getting any sleep otherwise!! And it’s much more dangerous to risk falling asleep with baby on a sofa / bedshare in an unplanned way, than to do it safely www.lullabytrust.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/4-bed-sharing-factsheet-2018.pdf
I am breastfeeding and baby is waking every 2 hours ie 10 / 12 / 2 / 4 / 6 / 8. I don’t normally get up in the morning until after he’s woken from his post 8am feed, around 9.30am. As you aren’t breastfeeding, I’d hand over to your DH wherever possible so you both get turns to sleep, whether daytime or night time.
Ibuprofen will help with the boob pain.
In answer to your question: yes this is normal, and yes it will get better! Hang in there, focus on eating / drinking healthily to keep your energy up, rest as much as possible, and ask for help wherever you can - eg if someone offers to cook a meal for you, say yes! Good luck.