21 month old co sleeper still wakes every hour! New baby on the way! Help!

[Lol14]

Hi,

I have a 21 month old son who has never been a good sleeper. At 5 months old we started cosleeping. We really wanted to and it just felt right to us and we’ve pretty much all had good sleep since then however our son can wake up every hour, sometimes even less than that, all through the night. It’s not too much of a problem once we’re in bed with him as once he has a little cuddle he’ll go straight off again. However throughout the evening it’s tough going up and down the stairs 5 tImes before bed and more recently he’s been having tantrums in the middle of the night. I’m currently 30 weeks pregnant and feeling like a worn out old punch bag.

I would be very happy to continue co-sleeping if my son would sleep through. We did move him to his own room a few months ago which was going so well, he was self settling to Sleep at the beginning with me just sitting next to the cot (which I never thought in a million years he would do) and waking maybe once in the evening before we’d bring him in with us around midnight, strangely he just decided a week or so ago that he was terrified of his room and now he’s back in with us completely.

He’s only just learning to walk as he was a bottom shuffler so I wonder if it could be a development thing?

I just feel like we’re the only family on the planet going through this and every other baby sleeps through the night and it’s because we’ve done everything wrong.

I have to add. I can’t do controlled crying. It’s just not an option

Just wondering if anyone has been through the same thing? Has anyone coslept with toddler and new baby in the same room? Did toddler grow out of it? Just any words of comfort would be great right now. It’s 3.45am 😴

Is he breastfeeding in the night? (I don’t think that unusual or wrong but it does make what I’m going to suggest more difficult). FWIW I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, you’re giving your child what they need.

Do you have a spare room? If so, and you want to try, I would see if your toddler would accept cosleeping in there with your partner. Or having your partner in the toddler’s room with him (can you get a single bed in there?)

I have a similar age gap and coslept with my son but during the course of my pregnancy my husband took over the nights with my toddler which did make it a lot easier once the baby was born. And after a few months he was waking far less and now at just over 2yo he sleeps alone in a bed. I do think a lot of this was developmental but I needed a break at night too and it would have been quite hard to manage both children at night myself

You haven't done anything wrong, but it sounds like it's time to try and get him into his own room and his own cot. My friend was planning to co sleep with newborn and toddler, with the newborn in a next to me crib and toddler sleeping the other side of them, but it was unworkable. Everyone kept disrupting and waking everyone else, she was worried about the toddler moving around the bed, and in the end her DH had to take the toddler into another room and sleep, which was actually just as challenging as getting him into his own room. You say you don't want to do CC which is fair enough, but there are plenty of other ways to encourage them into their own beds which doesn't involve that. The mattress by the cot until they fall asleep etc.

Put cot next to your bed in your room?
Or would it be better to get him a toddler bed with pull up sides, and a bright, and fun ‘big boy’ doona to entice him back to his room? Could you buy him a night light? Could your partner sleep on single mattress in his room until he is settled?

Whatever you do. it’s not forever and you haven’t done everything wrong! I’m sure that you did what you did to settle him to sleep and get through - that’s what everyone does, just using different ways!

If you have chatted about new baby with him perhaps be could be feeling a little bit insecure about competing with a new baby sibling?
My first baby was 19 months old when second baby was born , and he was very placid but he was very jealous of new baby so although no sleep issues, I could never leave baby unattended as he would hit him! He was understandably feeling insecure as no longer the only child.

I don’t know what might work for your little one, as every child is different.

Is there an activity or new skill he would like that that will help him enjoy being the older sibling? Would it help a little if you can think of ways to help him celebrate having a sibling ( to lessen his underlying insecurity about no longer being your one and only.). For example, buy him picture frame and stick ‘ big brother’ on it ready for photo of him with new baby.
Keep him busy with new activity/ toy during the day to lessen his anxiety My first son as a toddler really liked a little push along police car that we bought him at the time. At nap/ bedtime, he used to push it to the cot, park it next to his cot, hop in and settle to sleep, then hop back on push car after sleep and drive off pushing it around the house.

It is such a busy time, and you will get through, in one piece, but I do feel your pain. Not easy being heavily pregnant , let alone with toddler feeling out of sorts and not settling / staying asleep at night

These threads are so predictable.

Help! My child isn't sleeping! But I don't want to sleep train!

🤣

For what it's worth, DD's sleep always took a hit around the time of a big development, so you may well get an improvement once walking is mastered.

Sleep training takes many forms and is up to you where you draw the line. Unfortunately if you get a crap sleeper that just means you're waiting longer than others to get back to some normal sleep for yourself. If you can't keep going on the reduced sleep, or circumstances force your hand, then you may want to look at more gentle ways of training. I nightweaned recently and it did make a difference and really helped getting DD in her room, but only you can judge if yours is ready for that. In hindsight I could have probably done it sooner as she coped far better than I expected.

If you have the money- invest in a sleep consultant for a few days (they can do all over the phone )

@NameChange30

These threads are so predictable.

Help! My child isn't sleeping! But I don't want to sleep train!

🤣

I was going to say this, but perhaps not in such a bitchy manner...

OP, you've taught your son to only fall asleep with you. That's absolutely fine for as long as it works for you, but now that it doesnt work you're going to need to teach him a different way.

There are ways of doing that gently, but at 21 months the likelihood of you managing it with no tears is slim. He's a toddler, he knows what he likes, he knows how to get your attention, and he has tonnes of stamina. Doing this tear-free could take months. To be honest, you don't have that kind of time. Once the new baby is here you will really struggle with this current set up, and your toddler is likely to massively resent the presence of the baby overnight.

I would seriously consider leaving him to cry for at least a very little while, pop in and out to reassure, but don't give in.

NameChange30

Is controlled crying the only form of sleep training then?

Are you superhuman or something? I coped with FIVE MONTHS of hourly wakings (from when the four month sleep regression started, until we mostly night weaned at 9 months - there was obviously the odd illness and teething episode where we did feed overnight) and I actually thought I was going to die. My mental health was awful. How are you still doing this pregnant and at 21 months?!

I do have to agree with @Huhokthen.

I’ve never just left DS to cry until he was so exhausted he fell asleep, but a few minutes of fussing isn’t doing anyone any harm. If your toddler was doing something unsafe or unpleasant during the day, you wouldn’t stop them doing it just because it might make them upset briefly.

I think you should try gradual retreat, with your DH taking over responsibility for DS’ sleep overnight (mattress on his bedroom floor or similar). It will probably involve some tears, and being pregnant that might be a bit more distressing for you than usual. You’re also probably bloody knackered so anything emotional will be much harder to deal with. Ultimately, a couple of weeks of drama would be totally worth it.

We both know the answer to that question.

But the fact is that if you don't sleep train a child before 21 months there is probably going to be some crying involved.

If you're very lucky you can do it without crying (or with minimal crying) when they are younger.

But this child is 21 months old and has been waking hourly and has had inconsistency so it's going to be difficult.

You have to sleep train - which will involve some crying at this point - or put up with it. Those are the only two options.

Cross post, I was replying to DeepTreacle.

We’ve recently managed to get our almost 2 year old sleeping through in his own room. He was often in our bed from midnight onwards and would frequently be awake for a 2 hour block overnight.

He now sleeps through in his own cot until 6ish. It’s not what you want to hear but we achieved this through getting him to settle without us in the room which did involve a bit of crying - although far less that we’d ever have imagined! A few days of tears were so worth the sleep results we have now. We are all sleeping better. We just pop him in his cot, give him a kiss and say night night and close the door. He does the rest and is sleeping so so much better.

It’s a bit late for straightforward sleep training. He’ll need a more gentle approach and you’ll need nerves of steel, a united front and determination for a few weeks. Given your agreed as a couple and know it will take significant effort, go for it as it will transform all your lives. Sleep deprivation helps nobody. He needs to be taught good sleep hygiene.

It might help if the one more likely to cave is away for a few days. There will be tears. They’ll likely get hot, sweaty, red faced and it’s hard but no pain, no gain. I’d wait until the temperature dropped a bit and sleep is easier. If you do it soon, you risk sibling rivalry and blaming the new baby when everyone goes into meltdown.

Tire him out properly. Nice big boy bed with fun duvet cover. Star chart to reward. Keep it positive. Tell him he’s a big boy now and the bed is getting too crowded. Warm bath, stories, calm activities, nightlight, kiss and sit beside his bed not on it for a couple of nights. Reward sleep. Then move further away each night. Near the door, outside the door, your room but in talking distance. Etc.
Don’t interact too much just ‘It’s sleep time now darling’. Repeated as often as necessary without anger. Through tears, whining, etc. If he gets up put him back and continue. Repeat until message reaches home. Reward if he wakes up in bed with a star chart and small tangible present after a few days. Be very specific it is for sleeping in his bed, not for for being good.
If he wakes in night, walk him back to his room. No great interaction just the same message that it’s sleep time.

You don’t need a sleep consultant, you just need to be agreed and to enact consistently for as long as necessary, without anger or argument.

You are going to have to help him learn to settle in his own room. You said he was doing that at one point but you were bringing him in to your bed at midnight? Why did you do that? I’m not criticising but it seems like you missed an opportunity to let him sleep all night by himself.
Anyway I would start now and don’t give up. It’s going to be hard work and probably stressful at first but you know you need to do it.

Thank you all for your messages. Much appreciated!! Lots to respond to.

A lot of what was suggested we did try. If I’m completely honest my husband isn’t part of bedtime at all. He’s never been involved other than sleeping in the bed with us so it’s a bit tricky getting him on side to help out now 🙄 I’m a stay at home mum so of course I don’t need sleep 🤦‍♀️😂

I definitely think my husband being able to settle him would be amazing help when the new baby arrives. I think that’s the part we’re struggling with though. I was reading The No Cry Sleep Solution and sort of following that and a bit of common sense and patience was how I got him self settling in his cot. I just honestly don’t know what happened, it’s like a switch flipped and he decided he wasn’t sleeping there anymore. I decorated his room, we took one side off his cot as thought maybe the bars weren’t helping, and I sat next to the bed until he went to sleep. The reason he would be brought into our bed around midnight was when he woke up and I was just too tired to get out of bed by that point (I’m usually pretty good without sleep but this pregnancy has knocked me for six!) I also slept on a lilo next to the bed to try and get him sleeping through the night in there a few times but then he had this meltdown one night and like I said he hasn’t wanted to sleep in there since. Although I am putting him to bed in there still most nights, I just tend to give up pretty quickly as I’m struggling to sit on the floor these days. We live in a tiny two bed so no spare room, the lilo has to go from his room as I was literally falling over it.

The thing with controlled crying and our son is that it is not controlled in anyway!!! He literally makes himself sick and I just generally can’t bear it. I really can’t. All due respect to the people who do it and I appreciate it’s worked quickly but it is just not something I can do.

I think from reading all the feedback this morning that getting my husband involved is what we need to do. Any tips for this? Do we go cold turkey with me and I am not there or try and do it together for a while? (I did try this a few weeks ago but gradually my husband got out of it 🙄)

Oh also I’m no longer breastfeeding. Stopped at 1 year so there’s no night feeding at all and hasn’t been for a while but he’s just continued to wake u at the same times pretty much.

I will just add that it’s not really been a problem until now which is why we’ve done it for so long. He’s always settled easily with a little cuddle and we’ve all had great sleep until recently when these toddler tantrums started and now it’s only with the new baby coming that I’m now thinking ‘oh my god this isn’t going to work’

Thanks again for the support!! Also I’m not easily offended so go right ahead and say what you think 😂

If he is waking a lot could he be hungry? Might need bigger portions or a bowl of porridge before bed to fill his tummy up.

It sounds like your main problem is your husband, tbh.

Whatever you choose to do, your DH definitely needs to be supporting and doing his share, otherwise that's unfair on you, and he will likely keep giving in for an easy life if he has the chance, and leave you to deal with it.

Don't know how you manage this. I never had my children in my bed and they had their own room by 6 months. I need sleep as have always worked so they adapted to my needs and all 3 were brilliant.

@nicky7654

Don't know how you manage this. I never had my children in my bed and they had their own room by 6 months. I need sleep as have always worked so they adapted to my needs and all 3 were brilliant.

Super helpful Nicky, good contribution!

DH and I both sleep differently (he goes out like a light and I take a while) so sort of do shifts. Wake ups before 1/2am I do, then he does the second half if they occur once he's had a good chunk of sleep. Getting DH on board is definitely the key here, he needs to pitch in, especially with no.2 on the way.

Co-sleeping by anyone (child or adult) raises the possibility of disturbing each other. Difficult to achieve a move to his own room at the point when a new baby is on the way who will "take his place" in your bedroom.

However, the big boy bed ploy - let him choose the decor - is probably the best way to go. I wish you lots of luck.

I mean this in the nicest possible way because you’ve been insanely patient and kind and loving to your son but it’s a bit of a ridiculous situation and completely unsustainable. 21 months and you wake every hour?! How are you functioning! and more the the point it’s not good for your toddler solid sleep is soo important for children. I know you don’t want to sleep train and understand some people struggle with the crying (and I remember the guilt already when heavily pregnant). Could you go away for a couple of nights and your DH try and sleep train a bit? You need to get this sorted before the baby or I don’t know how you’ll cope. I would put him in his own room and do controlled crying at short intervals. Sorry to be negative but you are bonkers putting up with that so long.

I used to want to scream at people who talked about self settling as it seemed like some myth that we would never achieve. Plus, my son had always gone to sleep pretty quickly with a handhold but would scream blue murder if we let it go. It didn’t feel like bedtime was causing the issues overnight but it absolutely was. The self settling, without us in the room, for us, was absolutely the key to cracking the overnights. Gradual retreat didn’t work. He would scream and scream if he could see us, particularly me. For it to work for my son, we had to leave the room and allow him the chance to do it himself. Yes, it did involve tears. The first few nights we went in intermittently just to reassure him. But, I honestly can’t stress how quickly it worked for us. Within a few nights, he’d maybe grizzle for a few minutes when we left the room. Now he doesn’t make a peep. We also stopped rushing to him over night. We gave him at least 30 minutes to try and settle himself. Now he’s rarely waking overnight at all.

I really, really understand the not wanting to go through the crying. It’s what held us back for so long because my son is stubborn and, if he wanted to, he could have sustained it for hours. But, we had 100% been holding him back and causing some of the issues. There were reasons why this had happened, and why bed-sharing had worked for us at one point, but I so wish we’d done it sooner.

Your husband absolutely need to help. He knows once our second is here next month he’s in charge of the toddler bedtimes while I tackle the newborn.

The quickest way to do this would be for you to go away for a few nights and your dh to book 3 days off work and he gets your toddler settled in the other bedroom.

If that’s not possible you will both have to take shifts. This needs doing now before baby comes.