Will a baby naturally learn to settle themselves to sleep?

[Stargirl2707]

Will a baby naturally learn to settle themselves to sleep, or do they have to be ‘taught’.
My little one is 9 months now. Still wakes every 2 hours. Never been a great sleeper.
I don’t want to sleep train as it’s not something I’m comfortable with. But just wondering, one day will he learn to link his sleep cycles and fall back to sleep himself, or will I have to ‘teach’ him?
Currently he is fed and/or cuddled and patted to sleep before placing in his cot in his own room.
After 9 months of constant wake ups through the night and 6am starts I am beyond exhausted. Just want to know there’s light at the end of the tunnel. Literally all my friends babies sleep well 😫😫😫

Keha not from a book but I’m sure I must have read about it online and adapted a mixture of gradual retreat, shush and pat and pick up put down as a last resort

Hi OP,
I was you last week and on my knees with exhaustion! 10 month old waking every two hours. I was feeding her back to sleep as I thought she might be hungry and also it was self preservation on my part! However I decided to break the association between feeding and sleeping five nights ago and OMG different baby! Putting her down drowsy but not asleep. Patting and shushing for up to 30 minutes before she falls asleep. I don’t let her cry. She is starting to settle really well. Completely night weaned now! She is waking only once or twice looking for the dummy but goes straight back to sleep. One crying episode on first night for 20 minutes when she woke up expecting to be fed and that has been it. I’m astonished! If you feel ready for night weaning give it a go!

OP, the problem is that any thread that touches on sleep training tends to get very personal.

I did gradual retreat with both of mine and it worked wonders. But it's up for you to decide how you want to parent.

Sorry op, ime no, as neither of my dds learnt to sleep consistently until we did some form of sleep training at age 2 and age 4. As a PP said, no you won't be going into a 21 year old - but my dh slept in his parents' bed until he was 10 so at some point you may well have to make a choice over how long you want it to go on for.

I know it's a thing that many parents are evangelical about, but sleep is absolutely vital for behaviour and for learning. Bit different when it's a baby but still, there are loads of things to weigh up against each other, it's not as simple as never letting a baby cry (which is a totally unrealistic idea).

My oldest started sleeping through of her own accord at around 9 months, my youngest is 19 months and still wakes to feed several times in the night. I haven't done anything differently at all - both breastfed, both coslept when needed, never made any attempt to sleep train. I think all children will do it when they're ready and it's only a problem if it's a problem for you - never mind what anyone else thinks. I don't know any 10 year olds waking up through the night for milk - they all sleep through when they're ready

DS was similar at 9m. He did begin to improve at about 10/11m, and at 12/13m slept through 11 hours. We did some night weaning along the way where we cuddled, comforted etc but didn't feed. The first attempt at night weaning (9m) we stopped as it was too tough for all of us. The second attempt worked for a few weeks, then we ended up reintroducing one feed which he later dropped himself. So in our case, we did nudge him a bit, but waited until he was more ready, so it wasn't as tough.

Didn’t do any sort of sleep training, both slept through from about 18 months.
It still seems to change all the time as Ds 1 who’s 4 used to fall asleep on his own but now says he’s scared at night time and wants me to stay with him, then he wakes in the night and spends some of the night in bed with me

Yes they can. Mine did. I would get them all comfortable and fed. Then put them in the cot. It took a while but eventually they got to the point where they would go to sleep by themselves.

To be honest, while you obviously won’t be feeding a 21 year old to sleep it does set them up with habits that aren’t great.

I think having an exhausted child is far more cruel than sleep training.

People always make a fuss about sleep training involving crying but
a) it doesn't always mean lots of crying and
b) when it does, it's typically only a few nights

WAY more crying involved in letting your child wake several times a night and crying out because they expect you to be there with them.

You also have to take into account your own exhaustion at continued interrupted nights and what that means for how you interact with your baby during the day.

I don't think everyone HAS to sleep train but discounting it because a bit of crying might be involved is nuts.

I think some of it is just luck. DS was happy to be put down drowsy but awake from about 5 months, and would doze off quite happily whilst I sat on my bed. We didn't do anything to try and force that, if he was every upset I would pick him up, thankfully that wasn't often. I probably would have used sleep training eventually though if it was impacting our lives negatively, perhaps that's selfish but it's a great method, and doesn't always involve crying.

Sleep training is no more cruel than toilet training.

Of course they will. It’s developmental the same as rolling, walking, talking etc. You don’t have to train any of those things either yet for some reason we are supposed to train babies to sleep? No. Sleep training is rarely successful at getting a baby to sleep solidly for hours on end, all it usually achieves is teaching them not to bother to cry/fuss/generally make noise because no one will come to them

We sleep trained DC2 at around 10 months, as we were at breaking point and something had to give. That meant a bit of crying for a couple of nights. After night 3 he self settled and slept through no bother. He is now almost 2 and is a great sleeper will go to sleep happily waving bye and wake up singing!

No it's doesn't @NoParticularPattern, sleep training isn't leaving a baby to cry for hours. My friend is a single parent and a doctor, her son's lack of sleep was meaning she was unable to safely do her job, which meant that there was the real risk of losing her job (fair enough if you cannot do it adequately), which would mean losing their home, and her son losing the financial security etc. So she did sleep training, he was never left to cry for more than a few minutes, and after a few days he settled himself. They don't stop crying because they think you won't bother, unless you're doing it wrong and severely neglecting them. I appreciate everyone does what they feel comfortable with, and it's reasonable to not like sleep training, but spreading mistruths isn't nice. There are usually reasons people do it as well rather than just an extra hour in bed, to some it makes a huge difference to their wellbeing and to family life, and to the child tbh who has slept better. Let's not judge, just as no one should judge those who don't.

Sleep training is rarely successful at getting a baby to sleep solidly for hours on end, all it usually achieves is teaching them not to bother to cry/fuss/generally make noise because no one will come to them

I don't agree that they think no one will come. Though he usually sleeps thought, DS will shout out if he needs s for any reason ( usually dropped his dummy ), and will let us know on the rare occasion he's not happy to settle/sleep. In which case he gets to come in our bed.

@NoParticularPattern

Of course they will. It’s developmental the same as rolling, walking, talking etc. You don’t have to train any of those things either yet for some reason we are supposed to train babies to sleep? No. Sleep training is rarely successful at getting a baby to sleep solidly for hours on end, all it usually achieves is teaching them not to bother to cry/fuss/generally make noise because no one will come to them

Do you have any evidence to back that up? Because the collective wisdom is that sleep training doesn't make any difference to a child's attachment at all.

Yes, of course they will. It's more of a developmental thing than a taught skill.

Some children seem to be quicker than others at it mind you! :)

Society does have an obsession with the expectation that babies should sleep all night with no waking from a really young age, but it's developmentally normal for them to wake.

It was shit and tiring but mine all fed to sleep for ages and now sleep really well. My worst sleeper actually now falls asleep in minutes, even before his younger sibling.

Ours still had a routine at night, just pjs, brush teeth, story bf. The time they settled to sleep just gradually got earlier.

Waking once or twice is one thing, waking every two hours is another. That’s not healthy for anybody.

I think it depends on your method and probably a host of other factors, but my stepson was sleep trained (not by us) and definitely believes theres no point calling as noone will come. He wont call us for anything in the night - we've heard him sobbing quietly in bed and gone in to find him upset having had a nightmare more than once, and we have to set an alarm in the morning as hes awake at 6 and will just lie there on his own (our other kids all sleep in and will happily drag us out of bed at 3am if they need us, including the 11yo). We obviously tell him to call us if he needs us but the message from his mums where he spends most of his time is too ingrained and he never does, I find it desperately sad. Couldn't think of anything worse than my kids being upset in the middle of the night, wanting me but feeling like they shouldn't shout for me or I wouldn't come if they did.

I'm not completely anti sleep training - if my youngest is still feeding all night when her baby sister is born it will be a nightmare so I will look at some gentle methods once she turns 2 and see how we go. But to me personally, training my child to think I wont come if they cry for me is the opposite of what I would ever want

Your ELEVEN YEAR OLD drags you out of bed at 3am?

Because the collective wisdom is that sleep training doesn't make any difference to a child's attachment at all.

Is this the same collective wisdom that demands women 'speak to their GP' when they fail to perform femininity and motherhood compliantly enough, but apparently not their (male) partners?

Is this the same collective wisdom that exists for baby sleep, while the rest of the medical and scientific establishment admit adult sleep, and its various 'disorders' are a bit of a mystery?

The problem is people take things to extremes.

There’s no evidence whatsoever to support attachment styles, that’s true.

Talking gently to a baby and shushing her and reassuring her but not picking up and feeding her is worlds apart from Romanian orphanages.