PLEASE HELP - 9 day old baby won't sleep independently!!

[MrsRose2018]

Hi ladies

I'm a first time mum and really need some advice/input!

9 days ago I gave birth to the most incredible baby boy!

Relevant info: It was a traumatic pregnancy as my waters broke at 25 weeks but we made it to 37! He's a tiny wee thing - 5 1/2lb currently and 'Tiny baby/preemie' clothes are big on him!

BF is a struggle as I have very big boobs and flat nipples so we are currently using nipple shields and topping up with formula as he is jaundice - also got a 1:1 session with the infant feeding team today!

Anyway! We cannot cannot CANNOT get him to sleep Independently from us! He passes out happily on my husband or me and could even be milk drunk asleep but as soon as his butt touches his Moses basket/snuz pod/chair/pram he's wide awake and SCREAMING!!

We have tried EVERYTHING! Every swaddle imaginable, shushers, womb sounds, t shirts that smell of DH, warming the beds! Nothing works so me and DH take 3 hour "shifts" from 10pm feeding him and having him sleep in our arms till we both get up in the morning and go about our day!

I'm trying to be as Zen about this as possible and keep telling myself he's only 9 days old, so small, 3 weeks early and had a stressful time in the womb but my DH goes back to work next week and the "shifts" will have to change!

We don't want to co sleep and we are hesitant about self soothing - my MW on discharge actually advised against "crying it out"

Does anyone have any advice? Words of support or encouragement? Similar problems? Or is this just normal and he's only 9 days old so I should just chill the F out and enjoy the snuggles?

TIA xx

P.s I'm going to similarly post this on the pregnancy forum as I'm new to this threat and unsure of the traffic level xx

Changed my mind, clearly not pregnancy related so will just post here x

Sounds totally normal, sorry! You're right in the fourth trimester - baby still wants to be cuddled up inside you, and everything about the outside world is big and scary.

All you can really do is keep the shifts going. Once my OH went back to work we moved things around so he got a five hour stretch, I slept in the evening and he got up early so I could have another sleep before he went to work, and then a nap when he got home.

I know you don't want to cosleep, but please do look up the guidance. Most people end up cosleeping at some point, and the danger comes from doing it accidentally without having prepared a safe sleeping surface.

Congratulations on your baby boy.
Google the fourth trimester and so easy on yourself. He is so tiny and the world is so big that all he wasn’t right now it to snuggle with you. As he gets bigger it will get easier but try to just go with it for now. And definitely no crying it out!

Congratulations on your new baby! It’s tough but it sounds quite normal, especially as baby is early. It’s him transitioning from being in the womb and I had the same with all my babies. I found reading about ‘fourth trimester’ useful if you haven’t done so already. It will improve in time.

Congratulations on your baby! It does sound like fairly typical newborn behaviour, although all babies are different and some will be put down more easily than others. It may be that being so tiny this is just how he is for now. He’s definitely too young for any sleep training methods that involve crying it out (they’re generally discouraged now). There are gentler approaches you can try, although you will probably want to wait until he’s bigger and feeding well. Tbh for now I would do whatever works for you and your dh. It may mean no evenings together with your dh for a while so one of you can sleep early in the evening before the other goes to bed, but it really does pass. We used to do crazy gymnastics trying to get dc1 into his Moses basket asleep once he’s dropped off in our arms. It improved once he had a bit more routine to his day (when he was around 2 months old and awake a bit more during the day and napping more regularly).

My dc2 also used to cry if put down when he was tiny, but didn’t get too worked up if I patted his tummy gently until he slept. This was from somewhere around 8 weeks old and it could take half an hour or more to get him soundly asleep, so it wasn’t a quick fix (I kept patting him to sleep until well over 6 months) but it did work. That might be worth considering when he’s a little bigger.

Thank you so much for replying already!

I'm absolutely loving the snuggles and wouldn't wish them away but I would just love baby boy to go down in his cot next to us! He sleeps like a champ right now but I'm so anxious about what we will do when DH is back at work and it's really
Playing on DH's mind as well bless him!

Our co sleep hesitation is because both myself and my husband were absolute NIGHTMARES as children to get to sleep up until about the ages of 8 (at least!!) and both our parents attribute that to letting us sleep in their beds with them!

Also my cousin is a police officer and she's always told us this story about attending to a mother who... well let's not go into details but you can imagine!

I haven't even looked into the guidelines Tbf though...

Fourth trimester! I have another half an hour of my shift, I'll look that up right now!!!

xx

Cosleeping was a life saver for me with my second baby as just couldn’t get her to sleep in her own bed. My husband went to the spare room and I had the baby beside me on the bed (not held as I think that’s not safe but you can snuggle in beside them) for first few months (a year maybe) until she went into her own bed. Had a cushion bumper thing to stop her falling out. It doesn’t mean they’ll be a bad sleeper but at least for now you’ll be able to manage to get some sleep without doing the shifts. She was a nightmare to nap through the day too.

My first child was so much easier and slept in her cot beside the bed fine and napped for hours so it depends on the child.

I think do what you need to to survive and get some sleep for now and gradually you can change things so you get them into their own bed at the right time.

The "letting them sleep in your bed means they'll never sleep alone"'is utter rubbish for one thing so do not worry about that. There isn't a correlation.

Secondly, I nearly fell off my chair laughing when i read the thread title, most 9 day old babies do not sleep independently so get that out of your head. Lower your expectations significantly to avoid ongoing disappointment.
It's not your fault as no one warns you quite how bewildering it is.

Everything is a phase for the first 12 months. He's sleeping great now albeit on you? In a few weeks it will change and change again. He may go through periods of not sleeping as much. Then maybe he'll sleep on his own for short periods. Then maybe it will regress. So just take everything a phase at a time and work out how to manage just that phase. Sounds like you and your husband are doing shifts which is a great plan as this age.

Im sorry to hear about your police officer friend with the tragic story of a cosleeping mother but please follow up with them and find out what risk factors were present in the case they attended to - had either parent been drinking or taken any medicine or drugs? Was the baby breast fed? Was there smoking in the house? Was the incident in a bed or sofa or chair? If bed, was it set up correctly in terms of firmness, no heavy blankets etc? Im sorry to say but I'm sure you'll find in the anecdote from your friend some kind of risk factor. If you do not have these risk factors then you can consider Cosleeping. You may have to consider your husband moving out of the room so there is just you and baby in bed. It's safer to PLAN to cosleep and have everything set up correctly than to accidentally fall asleep due to fatigue with a baby on top of you in an unsafe setting ( and it will happen).

Congratulations on your little boy OP! I had my second 6 weeks ago.

This sounds completely heathy and normal. Have you read up about the 4th trimester? As everyone else is saying absolutely look into the safe co-sleeping guidelines, co-sleeping was a lifesaver with both my boys. My eldest slept in our bed until he was 2 (our choice) and is now happily asleep in his own room.

You can’t spoil a baby under 6 months, he’s been through so much and you are his world so he obviously wants to be close to you all the time. He still doesn’t understand that you and he are 2 separate beings so it’s upsetting and confusing that you’re not there all the time.

Don’t worry about having an 8 year old in your bed just do anything to get some sleep now!

Before I had my baby I, too, fondly imagined that you could put them down sometimes - I don't think anyone really prepares you for the idea that they aren't up for that and that what you think about it is essentially irrelevant. I want going to co-sleep and then literally ended up doing it in the hospital because it was very apparent to everyone, including the midwives, that I wouldn't be getting any sleep any other way. That said, it's shifting and changing over time - he's now three months old and starts the night out in his cot, usually just coming in with me for the last bit of the night. He's also experimenting with being able to nap in places that aren't me. I'm sure that, as others have said, that'll continue to change and evolve over time, but yeah, what you do now is not what will be happening forever.

Congratulations on your baby!

Your baby sounds perfectly normal for nine days old, bless his heart. I don't think it would have occurred to me that a baby of that age should sleep independently though some do quite naturally for a little while.

Having said all that, we co slept an you've said you don't want to. Co sleeping is natural though and really nice and cosy.

Just let your baby lead you.

I was adamant I wasn’t going co sleep. I’m currently still in bed with my little 6 week old snuggled up next to me. I did all the research to do it safely and it’s been a game changer as both me and DD sleep so much better.

For during the day, would your baby sleep in a sling so at least you could move around and do things while they were sleeping

I have three children and it's all totally normal, don't worry.

My daughter wouldn't sleep on her own at all, I remember on Christmas Day I sat up with her all night just holding her and feeding and didn't get a wink of sleep. She was 6 weeks then. We started co-sleeping after that but she would still have all her naps on one of us, my husband would hold her all evening until we went to bed and then she would come in with me. She had every nap in a sling and would not entertain the crib/cot etc.

I felt it would never end.

But it did - she's now nearly 8 months and has every nap in her own cot and sleeps in there overnight no problem. She'll also sleep in the pram if we are out. We haven't co-slept in about two months. So don't worry about making a rod for your back or anything, it just doesn't work like that. It was a gradual progression for us but I prefer a gentle approach. She has never been left to cry.

Your boy needs you close now, so go with it. He will be ready to move on soon enough and I promise you'll miss it! The sleep deprivation is hard going so co-sleeping is a good solution and it won't be forever. In the meantime a sling is an absolute lifesaver, I had a close-caboo and a stretchy wrap one and my daughter napped a dream in that, plus I could use my hands again.

Congratulations on your baby, you are doing great and he sounds perfect.

For now he's likely just going to sleep on you. But keep trying. Warm the cot first then slowly lean down with him pressed against your chest so basically you're on top of him but with no pressure of course. Then you begin to ninja let go bit by bit. Make sure you put a T-shirt you've worn under him. When he's falling asleep in your arms start patting and shushing him even though he doesn't need it. It will become a sleep association and be easier to use later when he's older and you're trying to use it to put him down. Good luck! It will get better.

Thank you so much everyone honestly!!

@newlittle oh don't worry I'm aware how insane it sounds worrying about a 9 day old not sleeping on their own! And I know his will just be the top of the iceberg in sleeping issues!

It's just the anxiety DH having to go back to work on Monday messing with my rational thinking! X

I think I need to give Co sleeping more consideration...

The amount if times the phrase "rod for your back" been mentioned...

If it gets him to sleep and me and DH to sleep then I guess that's what matters right? x

Congratulations on your baby!! I cannot offer any practical advice unfortunately as all mine pretty much took over the boob, chest and bed area when they were little so I was a complete puppet to them I know that again if it was one of mine born a little eay then I wouldnt want to.put him down so if you do find yourself literally attached 24/7 then this is completely natural and normal. Maybe look unto ine of those safe co sleep beds just incase? Congratularions again

*little early

Just keep persevering OP.

Have you tried a dummy? If he likes sleeping on you, what position is he sleeping in? It might be he doesn't like being laid flat. I had two kids who didn't like being laid flat. Can you put his cot/pram/where ever he sleeps on an incline?

I have an 8mo and 3yo and quite frankly as long as everyone gets some sleep I don't care where they are! Both our bed and the spare room are set up for safe co-sleeping so if needs be then DH and I can have a child each. At 9 days old your baby is tiny and it's impossible to be forming bad habits at such a young age. Do what you need to do to get through this stage and take care of yourself. Congratulations on your baby!

It's totally normal. Google the 4th trimester. Don't try to fix it. It's not storing up future problems- with babies everything is a phase and things constantly change.

Oh bless you I remember seeing your post when your waters broke. Huge congratulations of your baby boy.

My little girl is 8 weeks (today!) for the first I would say week she only slept on my husband or I. We did the shifts of sleeping as well it works doesn't it for survival. We then managed to get her in the bassinet of the pram. Still would scream if she went in the snuzpod. So we put the bassinet in the snuzpod! Bingo she slept. Did that for a few weeks and then I one night had a very sleepy baby and just to get ready for bed I put her in the snuzpod and she slept! Bloody miracle. She's been ok in it since about 5 weeks old. I am convinced she hated it because she was small and it felt massive to her.

White noise! Weird I know but I play it on my phone for her and she relaxes and can be sparko in minutes.

You're doing amazingly lovely lady. As a side note BF is bloody hard I was in bits about it turns out she had a tongue tie which meant her latch was bad and my nipples were being savaged!!

Hope you're doing ok x

Hmm, I’ll take a slightly different line here

I do think it’s good for babies to get into good sleep habits. I think if you want to co sleep that’s all well and good but op doesn’t and I can understand that.

I think if you can try to put him down when he’s tired/drowsy rather than actually asleep and then talk to him and stroke him it’s good for both parties. It gets the baby used to nodding off without being on mum or dad and it saves your arms!

Dd co slept until 6 months old, she slept in her own cot/bed ever since, no problems!

Honestly op please just cuddle him and hold him, he’ll need the extra attention and they don’t stay so small for long.

Very normal. He is only 9 days old he's been sleeping inside you feeling warm and protected body to body.
He probably has some pains too.