PLEASE HELP - 9 day old baby won't sleep independently!!

[MrsRose2018]

Hi ladies

I'm a first time mum and really need some advice/input!

9 days ago I gave birth to the most incredible baby boy!

Relevant info: It was a traumatic pregnancy as my waters broke at 25 weeks but we made it to 37! He's a tiny wee thing - 5 1/2lb currently and 'Tiny baby/preemie' clothes are big on him!

BF is a struggle as I have very big boobs and flat nipples so we are currently using nipple shields and topping up with formula as he is jaundice - also got a 1:1 session with the infant feeding team today!

Anyway! We cannot cannot CANNOT get him to sleep Independently from us! He passes out happily on my husband or me and could even be milk drunk asleep but as soon as his butt touches his Moses basket/snuz pod/chair/pram he's wide awake and SCREAMING!!

We have tried EVERYTHING! Every swaddle imaginable, shushers, womb sounds, t shirts that smell of DH, warming the beds! Nothing works so me and DH take 3 hour "shifts" from 10pm feeding him and having him sleep in our arms till we both get up in the morning and go about our day!

I'm trying to be as Zen about this as possible and keep telling myself he's only 9 days old, so small, 3 weeks early and had a stressful time in the womb but my DH goes back to work next week and the "shifts" will have to change!

We don't want to co sleep and we are hesitant about self soothing - my MW on discharge actually advised against "crying it out"

Does anyone have any advice? Words of support or encouragement? Similar problems? Or is this just normal and he's only 9 days old so I should just chill the F out and enjoy the snuggles?

TIA xx

P.s I'm going to similarly post this on the pregnancy forum as I'm new to this threat and unsure of the traffic level xx

Totally normal! And yes, as long as everyone is sleeping that's the important thing!
As pp said, there are ways to safely co-sleep. Look them up and follow the advice . Japan has the lowest rate of SIDS in the developed world - it is culturally normal to co-sleep in Japan.

For the first couple of weeks we ended up taking the shift approach. Then as DP approached the end of paternity leave I started to get a bit antsy too!! We realised that rocking her in her pram helped, so invested in a rocking stand for the moses basket and that seemed to work, alongside some white noise! It wasn't fool proof, and some nights were easier than others but on the whole it's been ok. I haven't been keen on the idea of cosleeping as am paranoid about squashing or smothering her, so getting her to sleep somewhere else was my only option!

Speaking as a woman currently glued to the sofa with a napping 11 month old on my chest... if you figure it out please let us all know!

Hi OP,
congratulations on your little one. I have a 10 month old DS so I wanted to post and let you know that it gets better! As a previous poster has said, everything is a phase...! Just as you think you're going to lose your mind with sleep deprivation they'll start sleeping for longer stretches. Then, as you congratulate yourself for winning at parenting, the little monkey will decide to become nocturnal!
My advice would be to just do what you need to do to survive and get some sleep yourself! Even if you do 'make a rod for your own back you can deal with it later when you don't feel like you're falling asleep on your feet.
A stretchy sling was a lifesaver for us, DS would always sleep in it and it left me with both hands free to get on with other stuff or just get out of the house. I was also pretty against co-sleeping but gave in one night in a sleep-deprived haze. It was actually really lovely and allowed me to get some rest too. DS isn't interested in co-sleeping at the moment as he likes being in his cot.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do, I promise it will get better and you will sleep again!!

Not doing something now that makes it easier is a guaranteed rod for your own back, doing it may or may not cause future problems.

Congratulations in your lovely baby! The sleep thing all sounds very normal, unfortunately. Do what you need to in order for all of you to get enough sleep.

People who say you're making a rod for your own back don't have crystal balls, they're just guessing like everyone else. Co-sleeping or not co-sleeping is only a tiny contributing factor to future sleeping habits.

FWIW I co-slept with both DC for the first few months and then they went into a cot beside my bed. Both are good sleepers and have been since about a year old.

Regarding the breastfeeding, I also have big boobs and had flattish nipples, my only advice is keep going if you can; it will get easier as the baby grows and your nipples will become less flat if you're able to persist.

I remember the eight week mark being a bit of a epiphany with DC1 and everything seemed to get much easier.

Personally I wouldn’t co sleep with a teeny tiny premie. Not worth the risk in my mind, and I’m someone who still co sleeps with my 18 month old when he’s teething!

I think for now when he’s still so small I would keep doing what you are doing with the 3 hour shifts!

I’ve also got huge boobs and flat nipples... makes it much harder but it worked out both times here, I saw a private lactation consultant with my first and she helped so much I saw her when my second was 2 days old just to make me confident again!

I would just co-sleep. It makes breastfeeding through the night and having a tiny, normal baby who wants to sleep on someone about a billion times easier. I moved both of mine out of my bed by 4 months and they have slept perfectly well in their own beds since.

As a PP said, not doing something right now that will make your life so much easier is definitely making a rod for your own back. If your baby is still in your bed aged 1+ and you want to change that, you can change it then, when baby is old enough to be communicated with.

Nine days old babies can't sleep independently! I mean this in the kindest way but you need to reset your expectations. All he's known is you for the last 9m, then you want him to go to sleep in a crib? Not a chance.

Google the fourth trimester. It'll all make sense. And don't worry about 'making a rod for your own back' - in six months time (or even a bit longer) you might start to create a bit of a habit of only sleeping in arms but for newborns it's absolutely fine and normal.

Ok, so do you out him down at all when he isn't sleeping. Try and get him used to you putting him down in crib when awake but happy ( eg not hungry or wet ) and still talk to him/pat him etc. Maybe just for a minute or two to begin with.

My youngest was the same from birth and were overdue!! Only I was the chosen one. Wouldn't sleep anywhere apart from on me for months. He was superglued to me. He's now a teen who either hibernates or has a "normal" amount of sleep in his own bed. Slept on his own when he found his feet and then I longed for velcro baby🤣

@MrsRose2018 it's so normal!

My baby boy (now 8 months) slept on/next to me for the first 3 months of his life. Gradually I managed to get him to have a few hours in the bassinet... Then longer and longer. It took AGES. But now he has all his naps and night time sleep in his big cot.

Gently persisting with putting him in the bassinet when he is very deeply asleep will help show him it's a safe place to be and make it smell of him. You can put a hot water bottle in the cot to warm it up before he goes in (take it out before he goes in).

I know how anxiety provoking it is - but safe co-sleeping is generally very safe if you follow the Lullaby trust guidance. Tje other thing I found really useful was this www.slumbersac.co.uk/adult-sleeping-bag-with-feet-stars.html?color=192&tog=4&size=283&design=207&gclid=Cj0KCQjw3ZX4BRDmARIsAFYh7ZIzoKI-97WIwRaIBKY3hqg8JUd_2mTR47jLddEcBdvhgNDLtvGdrckaAtOmEALw_wcB

I would get in my growbag, DS was in his and we were both warm. I didn't have to worry about him getting tangled in the blankets and it was really easy to feed him.

Final bit of advice, get a stretchy sling for daytime use. Babies love it and it frees your hands up!

Definitely try to adjust your expectations and relax about it if you can. With my second I read every single thing on the internet about sleep because he was a dreadful sleeper and I was desperate to fix it. I wasted so much time obsessing over it. I think he just wasn't ready or something and when he finally slept through the night (at age 2), it wasn't because of anything I had done.

This time I have gone with the flow more and although she isn't the best sleeper I'm not stressing about it and just letting her set the pace. Im much happier now I'm not trying to do everything 'right' because of the idea of a rod for my own back or some other rules.

Definitely try to adjust your expectations and relax about it if you can. With my second I read every single thing on the internet about sleep because he was a dreadful sleeper and I was desperate to fix it. I wasted so much time obsessing over it. I think he just wasn't ready or something and when he finally slept through the night (at age 2), it wasn't because of anything I had done.

This time I have gone with the flow more and although she isn't the best sleeper I'm not stressing about it and just letting her set the pace. Im much happier now I'm not trying to do everything 'right' because of the idea of a rod for my own back or some other rules.

Oh and one of mine would only sleep in the pram carry cot or me. Getting her to sleep in her cot when she was content I would lay her in her cot with something that smelled of me. The cover I used when holding her is what she was covered with in the cot. Other family members would also put her in there with my cover. Took about two weeks for her to sleep in there.

When I was small enough weight wise, I would climb into their cots and sleep with them at times. Helped I was young as well and didn't have the morning stiffness of sleeping in odd positions, couldn't do it now, most mornings I wouldn't be able to get out 😂

You’re not going to make any habits, good or bad, for the first 3 months so give yourself a break and do whatever gets you all the most sleep!

I co slept, fed on demand, used a sling etc for the first few months and all of my children are very independent and great sleepers and eaters.

It really is so normal, the baby is so used to being next to you 24/7 so it takes a while, I think they call it the 4th trimester? Most of the time when they were really tiny they were on me or my husband and I used a sling for a while too. They get there in the end!

Sorry but if you and husband were both bad sleepers as children it might just be how your baby is... mine were terrible sleepers (As, apparently, were both me and husband as children) so I feel your pain honestly.

I've just remembered my niece had this, it was fantastic:
www.johnlewis.com/4moms-mamaroo-4-0-rocker-silver-plush/p3371148

I definitely did not want to co-sleep and had moderate to severe PND which mean I just did not want baby on me at all for the first few months so totally understand not wanting to. That said, we ended up co-sleeping a few nights early on, I was totally terrified and definitely didn't sleep great but it did mean I got a little more rest. We stopped within a couple weeks though as DD started sleeping in her cot happily enough.

We also did shifts - after a few weeks (don't remember exactly how many but DD was sleeping 10+ stretches around 8 weeks so definitely not more than that!) which pretty quickly went from DH hold her 6-10, me for a few hours and then him again in the early morning to DH just holding her from early in the morning for a few hours. Keep trying to put your LO in the cot, they change so fast early on and what seems like it's absolutely not working one night may work the next.

If you DH can take more time off, I would recommend that - shared parental leave means the other partner can take a lot of (unpaid) time. It was the best money we've ever spent, having DH home for 4 months. That first month especially is really really hard, knowing you have support at night makes a big difference to you as a parent. I know a lot of parents view nights as mum's responsibility because Dad has to work during the day - but looking after a LO all day IS work, and believe me, it i way easier to be a little zoned out and tired at work than it is to feel like looking after a screaming baby all day. So make sure your partner is doing a decent chunk of work overnight even when he's back at work. Consider one of you going to bed early, getting 6-8 hours of baby free time and then the other going to bed late and sleeping in a bit more. If your DH can stagger his work schedule, make sure he does it!!

My little girl is six months now and was born at 37 weeks too, I had giant boobs, flat nipples and used nipple shields too and reading your post brought it all back!

There's no rods for your back at this age, they are a tiny baby who just wants to be near you. We managed by splitting the night a bit, I would express, my husband would feed her downstairs from a bottle for 2-3 hours from around 10pm to let me get some sleep before taking over.

I was also very worried about co sleeping but the only way she would sleep was on my chest and in the end I set it up as safely as I could. We continued to cosleep until she was about four and a half months and learnt to roll and was happier in her own cot. Then I felt tremendous guilt for kicking her out even though she was much happier. She's just started to go through the night but progress is definitely not linear and there's very much good nights and bad nights.

I made the most in the early days of her sleeping in the sling during the day, even it meant me walking round like a zombie with her I felt better for getting out of the house. Also take advantage of watching as much TV as you could ever want to!

Make sure you get some time every day to yourself, even if it's just to take a few deep breaths. We got into the pattern of me having a bath every day and it got me through a lot. I wept in the bath at all of the freedom we had lost but the freedom to have a bath helped!!

Lastly, it does get easier! I felt like I came up for air at around 10 weeks.