3 month old wont sleep unless held

[JNewts]

Hi,

I'm looking for some advice as our 3 month old will not sleep without us holding her. We try to put her down in her Snuzpod but after 5-10 minutes shes awake again.
It's got to the point my husband had to leave his job so he can stay awake all night with her asleep on him and then I take over during the day and she naps on me during the daytime.

This just isnt sustainable and we are at a loss of what to do.

When shes held she sleeps well at night usually. Bedtime varies from 9-10pm and she wakes 1-2am for a feed then sleeps until 530. Sometimes she wakes for a 2nd feed around 4am and will sleep until 630.

Any tips or suggestions would be appreciated x

Hi there. Have you tried sleep training? I must say, your husband leaving his job seems like an incredibly extreme reaction when baby is only 3m old.

There are various sleep training methods available depending on how gentle you want to be, however, they all inevitably involve a small amount of crying In my experience. That is surely preferable to your husband not being able to work though.

When she wakes after 5/10 mins what does she do? Does she cry? Have you tried using a dummy or trying to pat her or rub her back or tummy to try to soothe her? I’d also recommend white noise, we have it playing non stop for all sleeps. I am a huge advocate of sleep training, despite what others on MN may think. We sleep trained DS at 10/11 weeks and he has slept 7-7/7:30 ever since (we used to give a dream feed at 11pm until around 5 months then he dropped that). There are lots and lots of options but you have to be committed and consistent, no more sleeping on you. She’s a baby, she just doesn’t know any different. It’s your responsibility to give her the tools to learn to sleep unassisted.

@mrsmummy111 just saw your comment, interested to know what sleep training you did?
DD is only 2 weeks old but won't settle u less in me which isn't ideal, I've now ordered a next to me crib as in the morning she will lay on her back on the bed after DH. Has got up, and sleep for ages. Just want to have a plan in case things don't go as smoothly in the next to me crib

He worked 12hour days and I wasn't physically able to stay awake with her all night and during the day.
We haven't tried sleep training as she sleeps for really good lengths of time usually. Her longest is 6.5 hours in one stretch. Our issue is just getting her to do it in her pod rather than on our chests or lap.

@mrsmummy111 He worked 12hour days and I wasn't physically able to stay awake with her all night and during the day.
We haven't tried sleep training as she sleeps for really good lengths of time usually. Her longest is 6.5 hours in one stretch. Our issue is just getting her to do it in her pod rather than on our chests or lap.

I'm guessing you have tried the common suggestions - bedtime routine, dark room, white noise, hot water bottle so you're not putting her down in a cold bed?

Have you tried a bouncy chair or rocker for her to sleep in? Not as safe as a flat crib but a heck of a lot safer than a sleep deprived parent and risking falling asleep on the bed or sofa with her.

Is she breastfed? Have you tried cosleeping in your bed with safe cosleep measures in place - maybe have a look at that.

You kind of need to get it sorted sooner rather than later as the older she gets the harder it will be to break the habit of sleeping on you. How many times do you try putting her down in the crib before giving up and letting her sleep on you for 6 hours? Maybe try it after 30 mins when she will be in a deep sleep, rather than putting her down shortly after she falls asleep.

Have you tried sleeping with her next to you in the bed? My baby wouldn't sleep on his own but he would sleep next to me and I got much more sleep that way than trying cot etc. It's much safer planned than accidentally falling asleep with them - especially if breastfeeding.
What she is doing is biologically normal - so I don't think sleep training is the answer but you need to find a way you and husband can sleep too...!

@Smiffette Hiya. We follow a book called the Blissful Baby expert. It involves a daytime feeding / sleeping routine as well as nighttime which I was initially against, but DS actually fell into the routine without us having to really try, and friends with babies of a similar age also tended to eat / sleep at similar times as well so i think it’s pretty similar to what you’d end up doing even if you didn’t follow her. However it totally changed our lives, I’m yet to meet another child who sleeps as well as DS (don’t get me wrong, he has his moments) but I have friends who also follow the same routine and they also have children who are excellent sleepers. He’s slept in his own room from v.young as he was sleeping through, despite the fact that up up until 10 weeks old he woke every hour and would only nap during the day if being cuddled. It was exhausting! It changed overnight after I read that book.

She has an Instagram I believe and you can buy her book from amazon. Good luck and congrats on your new baby

What we are doing currently is completely safe - it's just impractical. My husband has gone onto 'night shifts' so he sleeps during the day from 7am-2pm that way when he's awake with her all night it's not unsafe.
We try 3-4 times a night, before leaving it because she starts to get overtired. The difficulty is because shes EBF and only falls asleep when on the boob, each time she wakes we have to put her back on to settle her.
She has reflux so once she's had a feed we hold her upright for a little while before trying to lay her down. The process takes a little while which limits how many times we try in one evening.

The longest she's ever slept in her Snuzpod was for 1 hour during a day nap.

I don't personally really like the idea of sleep training or letting her cry. And everyone I know who has allowed their little one to sleep in their bed regrets it now, so I've been put off trying that.

If you are EBF then my advice is definitely try feeding her lying down sideways on the bed- that way you can sleep and feed at the same time. I know you say you are put off it, but might be better than your husband not working and you being awake for different shifts?

It was the only thing that worked for me. I don't regret it at all and my baby is now 15 months. I think my baby needed to be close to me to feel secure and sleep. (He still does, but I know other cosleeping babies who are now in a cot, or in a cot part of the night)

Good luck anyway- I hope you find a way that works for you.

@Lalapurple I'm scared to share a bed with her in case its unsafe. If I fall asleep feeding her for example... that worries me.

It's not unsafe (as long as you follow the guidance)
Have a look at:
www.basisonline.org.uk/parents-bed/
www.laleche.org.uk/safe-sleep-the-breastfed-baby/

You need to do what you feel comfortable with and it can depend on your circumstances (e.g. not such a good idea if you smoke) but there are a lot of myths and misinformation about cosleeping. (I thought it wasn't safe too before I had a baby and worked out I couldn't sleep any other way)

You can breastfeed and fall asleep safely...the first night I did it I woke up feeling so refreshed.

My daughter was the same, she didn’t sleep more than 20 minutes during the day until she was one unless we were holding her. I followed lots of different routines but now looking back, I realized that this was just her and I wish that I had relaxed and just went with it instead of trying so many different methods. It will get easier but not as quickly as you want it to. Not much help I know. Co sleeping was the best solution.

@Wasabiprawns

My daughter was the same, she didn’t sleep more than 20 minutes during the day until she was one unless we were holding her. I followed lots of different routines but now looking back, I realized that this was just her and I wish that I had relaxed and just went with it instead of trying so many different methods. It will get easier but not as quickly as you want it to. Not much help I know. Co sleeping was the best solution.

With co sleeping what stops you from rolling onto the baby? I just have awful thoughts about something like that happening in my sleep...

My little one was like this, would only sleep if being held or was on me. I helped this by co sleeping for 2/3 nights just to get her used to not being on me, but still near me, then moved her into her bed. She woke up more often when she initially moved into there, but she eventually got used to it, I just stayed with her, put my hand on her chest and laid next to her until she was in a deep sleep. She's now 5 months old and doesn't want to be held to fall asleep anymore! She self settles in her bed.
I used to lie down breastfeeding, it helped a lot with her falling asleep not on me.
I don't believe in the crying out method at that age, didn't want to put her through crying just because she wanted a cuddle!

With all due respect, what you’re doing is no worse than co sleeping in terms of forming/breaking habits. You say you don’t want her to get into a habit of co sleeping but the habit she’s in now is far worse, at least with co-sleeping you’d all get some night time sleep!
I agree with laying down breastfeeding, at least that way when she falls asleep on the boob she’s already lying down and you can then hopefully start transferring her into the snuzpod. A lot of the time DS didn’t actually need a night feed, he was just using me as a crutch to fall asleep so the lying down feed was a lifesaver as it allowed me to just plonk him on and we could all get back to sleep, then I’d wake not long after and move him back to his crib

There are lots of sleep training methods that don’t involve cry it out, or any form of crying at all. It bothers me that as soon as anyone mentions “sleep training” everyone thinks they’ve just let their baby scream their tits off until they’ve eventually got so exhausted they’ve fallen asleep. It’s completely inaccurate and not how a lot of sleep training methods work.

@mrsmummy111 The problem I'm having isnt with transferring her into the pod as such. I can do that and she stays asleep, but we find within 5-10 mins shes awake again.

Just to clarify, I didnt say I dont want her getting into the 'bad habit of co sleeping'. My apprehension RE co sleeping (for me personally) is that I dont feel confident in doing it. I want to be sure I'm keeping her safe and I'm not sure how to prevent myself from worrying about either myself or my partner possibly rolling on to her. I'm sure there are many safe ways to do it but I wouldn't try it until I felt confident I know how to safely execute it. Which I dont at the moment...
I also mentioned I don't like the idea of sleep training purely as she's just turned 3 months and I feel it's a little early as most information I've read about it recommends from 4 months +

I was hoping for advice or tips - so referring to our current situation as a 'far worse habit' or an 'incredibly extreme reaction' is a disappointing judgement to make. However, thanks for your input anyway :)

@Donut93

My little one was like this, would only sleep if being held or was on me. I helped this by co sleeping for 2/3 nights just to get her used to not being on me, but still near me, then moved her into her bed. She woke up more often when she initially moved into there, but she eventually got used to it, I just stayed with her, put my hand on her chest and laid next to her until she was in a deep sleep. She's now 5 months old and doesn't want to be held to fall asleep anymore! She self settles in her bed. I used to lie down breastfeeding, it helped a lot with her falling asleep not on me. I don't believe in the crying out method at that age, didn't want to put her through crying just because she wanted a cuddle!

Thanks @Donut93 - Good to know it's not just me! I appreciate the tips. Also reassuring that at 5 months your LO no longer depends on you to get to sleep :)

@Lalapurple Ahh okay, I will definitely have a look at the info. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction as it's always good to know other options! My sister in law co slept and all she ever says is not to do it as she's still having to sleep in her LOs room now they're much older... so I think because I had that drummed into me I hadn't given it much thought LOL :)

Apologies, really didn’t mean to offend. Truly I know how difficult it can be with a baby who doesn’t sleep, the last thing you need is to feel judgment from others. So I apologise if it came across that way. All I mean is that DH leaving his job doesn’t seem like a sustainable option long term, and gentle sleep training (by that it could just be finding a way of encouraging her to go back to sleep alone in the crib after she wakes) eg there are methods of pat & shh and rubbing babies back, using a dummy to resettle etc - these are not technically “sleep training” and don’t need to involve crying. However I do get the impression that you’re not keen on many options that people here have suggested, but if you do ask for advice and tips you ideally should to be open to trying something new

You need a dummy and to swaddle your baby. The ghastly looking cherry dummies are the best. Also put the cot at an incline.

My eldest was the refluxy baby from hell and would only ever nap on us. Nights weren't as bad thank God! But by three months, I was taking him out for walks in the pram. Again he liked that because it was on an incline, he detested being laid flat.

You also need to get their reflux sorted. Eliminate whatever is causing it from your diet. Make sure your baby is being held upright for a minimum of 30 minutes after a feed. For my babies it was better if I held them for an hour afterwards.

Sleep training a 3 months old is not advisable

Google the fourth trimester and wonder weeks app

At three months your baby is still a baby, you have the four month regression to get through yet

i would co-sleep. I used to do it with my arm out and baby on my arm. That stops me rolling over,

If you are breastfeeding its even safer because you sleep lighter in order to be in tune with your baby anyway.
ALL mammals sleep best with their mother when tiny.

@mrsmummy111 I am certainly open to hearing any ideas and suggestions. That being said, it doesnt mean I have to necessarily want to try all of them if they don't suit :) Everyone is different and has their own personal preferences or different things they feel comfortable with doing concerning their LO.

@Fatted Thank you - we have her Snuzpod on an incline. We have tried the cherry dummies and the orthodontist ones but she doesn't accept either. How long did it take before your LO accepted the dummy? I'm wondering whether I should persist with trying to get her to take it?
She currently has Infant Gaviscon to treat the symptoms which seems to have helped. I also stopped having milk and eggs which made a noticeable difference to her sickness and discomfort. The HV suggested she may have a cows milk intolerance.

@Pippinsqueak Thanks - I have the app. It's really useful isnt it? Shes just been through her 12 week leap and growth spurt :) I've heard 4 months is a challenge!!

@Branleuse Yes she is EBF so I will maybe give that a try and get my husband to supervise initially since he's already awake at night anyway :)