How to survive this? Feel like I'm dying

[bunny85]

Hi all.

I have a baby who's nearly 5 months old and a 4.5 year old. My older son has always been a terrible sleeper and the biggest fear I had was that this baby will be the same. Little did I know he was going to be 10 times worse... he's exclusively breastfed and we co-sleep (he hates the cot) and it's a living nightmare. It's a torture. He wants the boob all night long (not for milk I must add- comfort sucking most of the time. He's gaining lots of weight and there's plenty of milk). Also he is the lightest sleeper ever- if I turn ever so slightly in bed it wakes him up, let alone if I sneeze/want to drink water/go to toilet. I've been living on 2-3 broken hours a night since he was born, and in the last months of my pregnancy I didn't sleep either (pregnancy issues).

To say I'm irritable and don't enjoy life anymore is a huge understatement. I'm extremely ashamed of myself- I shout at everyone, scream, cry, curse at my children and even the baby, stomp my feet, cry again, and this is how the days go by... I'm lucky to have help during the day and I try to nap but even then he wakes me up. I don't know what it means to sleep 2h stretch or longer. Some nights he's up as often as every 20-30 mins when I try to remove my nipple from his mouth and it wakes him up and I have to settle him all over again. I tried my hardest to learn to sleep while breastfeeding (I know many women who can and do so) but I just can't sleep like this- the sucking disturbs me and my back aches from being unable to change position. When I manage to roll away he always turns on his tummy (this is the only way he likes to sleep) and often wakes himself up again. If he doesn't, then I get an hour or two of sleep if I'm lucky.

I feel deep shame, but also anger and like a failure. I must add my husband is trying to help with whatever he can at nights but there's not much he can do as the baby only wants the boob. I've hired a sleep consultant and I know he needs to be sleep trained but I just don't have any reserves, any energy, any strength left to go through few completely sleepless nights with him screaming while he learns to soothe himself back to sleep. I want to exclusively breastfeed for 6 months and then I'll give him formula at night only (this is the plan anyway, let's hope he takes the bottle) as I can't carry on anymore, but how do I survive these 4 weeks?? I count down days. I feel like a living dead...

I just wanted to vent, sorry for the rant. Don't even know why I posted... there's no solution to this misery...

Glad you're feeling a bit better!

I hate to say it but I'm pretty sure that statistically, parents of formula fed babies get less sleep on average than parents of breastfed babies. Not sure what the impact on the babies' sleep is but for the parents I believe that's what research has indicated.

Persipan, that's strange and quite interesting. I always thought that formula fills them up for longer and kinda feels heavier in their tummies therefore babies sleep for longer. I don't know what will happen if switching to formula won't improve things in 4 weeks time... I don't know where to pick up the strength for the sleep training. If there was an option to pay someone to come and do it for me I would without hesitation, but the whole point of it is that the parents are there with the baby while he cries so it's not totally cruel so I have to be present and even if my husband does it I'm still going to have no sleep as I can hear every scream

You will be weaning soon anyway so I would not switch just becuase formula will fill LO up.

The evidence shows that it is the process of night nursing that causes wakings rather than the content of formula/breastmilk:

'One recent clinical trial does suggest that night nursing causes night wakings. Beginning when their babies were 2 weeks of age, aninterventiongroup of exclusively breastfeeding parents was instructed tooffer afocal feed sometime between10 pm and midnight. If the newborn woke up again before morning,the father was to attemptto soothe the baby by re-swaddling, changing diapers, and walking–basically, by anymeans possible save feeding, togradually lengthen the time between nighttime feeds. By 8 weeks of age,100% of breastfed infants receiving the intervention(compared to 23% in the control group) were“sleeping through the night'

They don't have to cry, remember that. My second child was the worlds worst sleeper, honestly, he was worse than yours. He sleeps through fine now and would nap for two hours a day easily if I let him (but I don't, he's three!) and I never left him to cry once.

There are gentler ways, don't think it's all about leaving them to cry.

Just make the switch OP, I know you've probably set 6 months in your head (so did i) but your mental state matters more than an arbitrary time limit.

You could always do it to get a few good nights sleep then ebf for the final few weeks.

Mistermagpie we tried the gentle techniques... he screamed the house down. The one which is completely tears free wouldn't suit us the sleep consultant said, as it takes a lot of effort and takes ages to take any effect.

Wolfgirrl yes I know but I just keep saying to myself that I've made it this far, what is 4 weeks compared to 5 months I've already done? Then at least I know that I've done the minimum they recommend. They kept saying to me (HV, midwifes, doctors) how important this is. I understand it myself anyway, I did the same with my other son, but now I just feel like I've reached all possible limits. I felt better this morning but now the tiredness has caught up with me again and once again I have the terrible headache and all the rest of it

Honestly OP it is an arbitrary time limit. It wont be the case that at 6 months, there is some magical overnight effect. Frankly I would guess your baby picking up on your stress and not getting good quality sleep is doing more harm than switching to a bottle a few weeks earlier than planned.

Formula is not an instant fix to bad sleep. My friends formula fed baby still wakes about 3 or 4 times a night at 8 months old.

Not only that but it’s not necessarily going to be doable to ‘just switch baby to formula/bottle.’ None of my 4 (all bf) would ever accept a bottle! Hang in there OP it will get better once they start weaning at 6 months.

Yes it's not but firstly I'd love 3-4 wakings a night (sounds heavenly) and secondly my husband can give him bottle at night which is also great

Enterthedragons this is my biggest fear of all...

OP, one thing that might help slightly is putting him in a sidecar cot rather than in bed with you. You can still feed lying down and on your side, but you'll be on two separate mattresses, so when you shift or move about, it will disturb him less. My DD's sleep improved leaps and bounds when I booted her into the sidecar rather than share the mattress with me. And definitely wodge pillows behind you. As he gets bigger you may be able to feed while lying on your back with him draped over you, rolling him off once he's asleep (he will sleep more deeply one day, even if the rolling-him-off part feels impossible now).

Babies NEED quality sleep for their brain development.
Comments like this are profoundly unhelpful. No one is on the sleep boards because they have good sleepers and you're essentially damning all of our babies' development because of their shit sleep. Shit sleepers – nap refuseniks, early risers, night partiers, hourly wakers – develop just fine.

I'm absolutely going to try the sidecar cot. I have a feeling it might just work!

@bunny85 an idea to add to that is to put a large muslin or blanket under your baby when feeding lying down then when he falls asleep use the blanket to lift/drag/ shuffle him into the next to me cot. I saw someone say that once on here and was gutted I'd never thought of it when mine was younger because it would have been a great help!

I'm not convinced by the suggestions to switch to formula. I've had two formula fed babies, one an excellent sleeper and one not.

A bottle or two a day might be worth a go though. Maybe it will help him get a longer stretch but even if it doesn't, at least someone else can give it and the OP can catch up on sleep.