How to survive this? Feel like I'm dying

[bunny85]

Hi all.

I have a baby who's nearly 5 months old and a 4.5 year old. My older son has always been a terrible sleeper and the biggest fear I had was that this baby will be the same. Little did I know he was going to be 10 times worse... he's exclusively breastfed and we co-sleep (he hates the cot) and it's a living nightmare. It's a torture. He wants the boob all night long (not for milk I must add- comfort sucking most of the time. He's gaining lots of weight and there's plenty of milk). Also he is the lightest sleeper ever- if I turn ever so slightly in bed it wakes him up, let alone if I sneeze/want to drink water/go to toilet. I've been living on 2-3 broken hours a night since he was born, and in the last months of my pregnancy I didn't sleep either (pregnancy issues).

To say I'm irritable and don't enjoy life anymore is a huge understatement. I'm extremely ashamed of myself- I shout at everyone, scream, cry, curse at my children and even the baby, stomp my feet, cry again, and this is how the days go by... I'm lucky to have help during the day and I try to nap but even then he wakes me up. I don't know what it means to sleep 2h stretch or longer. Some nights he's up as often as every 20-30 mins when I try to remove my nipple from his mouth and it wakes him up and I have to settle him all over again. I tried my hardest to learn to sleep while breastfeeding (I know many women who can and do so) but I just can't sleep like this- the sucking disturbs me and my back aches from being unable to change position. When I manage to roll away he always turns on his tummy (this is the only way he likes to sleep) and often wakes himself up again. If he doesn't, then I get an hour or two of sleep if I'm lucky.

I feel deep shame, but also anger and like a failure. I must add my husband is trying to help with whatever he can at nights but there's not much he can do as the baby only wants the boob. I've hired a sleep consultant and I know he needs to be sleep trained but I just don't have any reserves, any energy, any strength left to go through few completely sleepless nights with him screaming while he learns to soothe himself back to sleep. I want to exclusively breastfeed for 6 months and then I'll give him formula at night only (this is the plan anyway, let's hope he takes the bottle) as I can't carry on anymore, but how do I survive these 4 weeks?? I count down days. I feel like a living dead...

I just wanted to vent, sorry for the rant. Don't even know why I posted... there's no solution to this misery...

I forgot to add, he actually spits the boob out himself after a while and then rolls on his tummy. He then falls asleep very deeply and then I get an hour or two. Maybe I didn't explain myself well enough. It's also his light sleep that is the problem that I can't move at all. It's a combination of factors, it's not that he wants to suck non stop, he just wants to be on his tummy and wakes up many times a night for the boob and is a very light sleeper, so for one reason or the other I just don't sleep

I had one of these - you have my sympathy! I also ebf. What saved me was expressing a bottle of milk (easiest first thing) and then going to bed super early (8 ish) once my older one was asleep leaving the baby with a bottle of milk with DH. DH would stay up with him until 12/1 (and not bring him to me for any reason), give him a bottle of milk then settle him and bring him up. After a few weeks he could actually get him to settle in a cot in our room most of the time, so I generally got an extra couple of hours sleep before he woke and the endless round of boob scrabbling began. I did learn to doze through it eventually as well. This way I got 4-6 hours of sleep a night. Still not ideal, but kept me the right side of insane!

You are right in the middle of the 4 month sleep regression. I wrote a very similar post when my LO was the same age and you have my sympathies it is hell.

However it should not last much longer. At 4 months babies sleep cycles mature into a more adult pattern which mean they enter lighter sleep more frequently. This will be when your LO is now waking up and they don't yet have the skills to settle themselves back to sleep.

Breastfeeding is NOT the issue here, it is sleep associations. Your LO might fall asleep with the nipple in his mouth or a dummy or rocking but when he enters lighter sleep and stirs and finds the nipple is no longer there he will get upset and require it back to resettle himself.

At 5.5 months I worked on breaking these sleep associations. I put my LO in his own room and my husband settled him at night. I breastfed around 30 minutes before the bedtime routine which my husband did. If he woke more than once in the night my husband went in and settled him. Within a week my LO stopped waking every 2 hours at night and started waking just for 1 feed. He is now 8 months and still solely breastfed (plus solids) and still only wakes once a night for a feed.

I think a few nights of LO learning gently to self settle is well worth it in the long run. My LO cries a lot less now as a result becuase he is not waking up scared in the middle of the night looking for me to help him back to sleep.

I totally understand how you feel and know that it is torturous. I have two children 2 years apart who were the most horrendous sleepers.
I don't really have any tips as you've probably tried everything you can think of but I just wanted to let you know that it will get easier and you will get to sleep a full night through again. It's the not knowing of when that makes this so fecking tough.
Sending you hugs x

Honestly, the 6 months thing is so bloody unhelpful a lot of the time. It drove me almost insane pumping etc determined that not an ounce of evil formula would enter my baby's body. What an idiot!!! I look back now at all the angst and stress and sleep deprivation and think I must have been mad!

www.diabetesincontrol.com/breastfeeding-helps-to-prevent-type-1-diabetes/

This study says that any breastfeeding at all for 12 months reduced the risk of getting diabetes so can you switch to a combined feeding for the next 6 months rather than kill yourself trying to EBF for 6???? Boob in the day and bottles at night??

And with the governments announcement today can you go and stay with someone else for a night just to try to reset yourself a bit?? When DH doesn't have work etc and then he can maybe sneak off the next day to catch up assuming he has a terrible night..

@weepingwillow22's post is amazing! Everything I was going to say. It's not about the breastfeeding and unfortunately formula may not help you. I tried that and it didn't make one bit of difference. You need to break the sleep associations. Does you baby feed to sleep at his initial bed time? If so this is what you need to break first. Big feed downstairs say from 6pm-7pm then upstairs for bath etc and bed. Find a new way to get him to sleep, even if it's rocking, patting, shushing, white noise. Would also recommend own room at 6 months.

This all sounds horrendous. I didn't breastfeed any of my three for longer than a couple of months (different reasons) so won't comment on that, but my youngest is 7 months. Up until about a month ago she had every nap in her sling or being held and co slept with me every night.

Now she sleeps in her cot (or pram) for every nap
and is in her own room at night. She still wakes up a bit overnight but she's so much better than she was.

We never did any radical sleep training or anything, I'm very averse to letting my babies cry - I just can't stand it - we just gradually started putting her down more and more on her own. Yes she fought it and we had a tough few weeks but I also think that they get to a point developmentally where they are ready to be apart from you for sleep. My other kids were the same and I just tried to let it evolve. It's a process, we started with naps about 6 weeks ago and over night sleeping about two week ago and things are much better.

Hang in there, it sounds like hell, big hugs xx

Weepingwillow22 what you say is 100% correct and I know that. I paid lots of money to the sleep consultant in the bid to 'gently' teach him to soothe himself to sleep and sleep in his cot. I don't even know how to describe the result of it but gently definitely isn't the right word. He starts screaming bloody murder the second you put him in the cot or not give the boob or dummy/rocking. Basically he can't be taught to soothe himself gently. It's just impossible. It's either we let him scream, or not even bother. I just don't know how it could be done gently...

Russell19 yes I've manage to teach the baby to be put to sleep with the dummy and being rocked. However he still seems to want the boob at night to resettle and even if not it's easier for me to give the boob lying down rather than get up and rock him every hour at night... my husband's rocking for whatever reason doesn't work for this baby

My first was a terrible sleeper, and hit a really bad patch around 4 months where she wouldn't sleep longer than 40 mins at a time. She was formula fed and so it's a bit different, but we managed it by me going to bed at 8 and sleeping solidly til 12. Partner stayed downstairs with baby and then we swapped at midnight so both of us got some solid sleep.

Could you try this and have your partner give some expressed milk?

If you wedge a u shaped pillow between his legs he won't be able to roll onto his front so you wouldn't have to worry about him face down in the mattress. So one less thing to think about when you are trying to sleep.
I would feed to sleep in a spare bed if you can and then at least the couple of hours he does sleep soundly you can slip out of bed and sleep elsewhere. On the sofa downstairs if needs be and let your husband wake you if he really needs to. Leave the baby 9n bed with him if no spare bed.
I think just having them in the same room makes it v hard to switch off at all .

I sleep trained at 6 months for pretty much the reasons in your OP, I was miserable and so was the baby as he was so overtired. It was hard but the best thing I could have done, less than a week later he was sleeping 12 hours with only one wake up for a proper feed. I night weaned at 7 months then carried on bf til 13 months. Overnight he became a visibly happier baby and I could enjoy being a mother. It's so hard without sleep

I feel your pain, OP. My second child woke around a dozen times a night. It wasn’t just the boob they wanted, they just seemed not to be able to stay asleep. I tortured myself thinking I was doing something wrong. ‘Helpful’ relatives told me all about their babies and how they slept through. The truth is that some babies are like this - not good sleepers initially.

Note that word - initially. It does improve and each week that goes by is closer to the stage when you’ll get more sleep. It sounds a bit sad but what a did was add up my total hours of sleep over the night and try to look for positives and approach the definition of ‘a good night’ in a different way.

I honestly felt I was on another planet for months, like a zombie, but things gradually improved as baby matured and learnt to sleep. Solid food helps, being able to move helps (ie crawling, reaching out more).

Try to go to bed earlier, express some milk so your partner can give the last feed while you sleep. Grab every minute of sleep you can. Try to get outside every day even if you feel like crap. But mainly, tell yourself you’re getting closer and closer to the end of this difficult time. After 6 months I saw a change.

You’re doing brilliantly. XX

(And whoever talked about breastfeeding babies being “needy” do f* off. What’s this spiteful compulsion to get some formula into a baby? Just f**k off 😡 and stop lying!)

You still have a very young baby. Please ignore comments that bfing makes needy poor sleepers, the minority of babies are still bf even at 4 months in this country and the boards are full of poor sleep posts.

I would try shush pat in the cot. So fill up, dummy in. Baby in cot and make a rhythmic shushing sound as you gently pat their tummy. Drag cot over so you can sit in floor or let your DH do this but. Did it with one of mine at about 20 weeks and worked to get them to settle in cot. Might need to be very persistent at first and do this for 20 mins or so.

Remember to feed 2 hourly in day, get the baby outside and no naps after 5. Start bedtime around 6-6.30 aiming for bed at 7

3 bf babies here.

"I’ll probably get flamed for this but I stopped breastfeeding at 9 months and fed her all formula"

Comments like this don't help. Why would you get "flamed" for feeding a baby? What you are doing there is suggesting that it wasn't entirely the right decision to do that.

OP this all sounds unbearable, it's formula, not anthrax. I found that often people were very careless in the information they almost churned out. If you went back to those same doctors and told them this now they'd be telling you to formula feed.

I had the same and after ringing the HV and crying hysterically one morning just before he was 6 months she instructed me to put him in his own room in a cot. Bless her, I needed permission I think. I did as she said and my life changed for the better overnight.

Re: pumping, you might find pumping on one boob while he's feeding on the other (and your let down is therefore more active) works for you - although obviously the logistics are a bit awkward.

I was talking to a very experienced nursery nurse about my EBF baby not sleeping. I said I wanted to switch to the bottle and she said, 'I'm relieved you just said it because we're not allowed to, but breastfed babies really are poorer sleepers'.

We made the switch at 5mo and never looked back.

Babies NEED quality sleep for their brain development. Why is breastfeeding always the priority on here, above even the happiness of an entire family?!

Just to add to my post above I still breast fed my son until he was two! Moving him out of my room and into his own didn’t change that. It just meant I could relax and sleep properly inbetween feeds and he (I assume) didn’t look to my boob for comfort constantly as perhaps he couldn’t smell the milk? I’m not sure. It worked though.

Not sure what to advise, but sharing some of my experience.

At 4.5 months, DS was taking a bottle during the day but he still was a light sleeper. Not as bad as yours, though.

He turned into a child who will sleep very well and it's not easy to wake up.

What I've noticed is that he got cranky when tired but couldn't sleep.
It's possible that yours too. And that taking him to bed earlier might actually help.

He was also a front sleeper and it was really funny, with his bottom sticking up, so, might as well put him in that position. He can roll, so it's not a risk.

@OneMetreWithMitigation when I said flamed for this i didn’t meant because I stopped breastfeeding I meant because I was suggesting stopping breastfeeding would help with sleep.

I appreciate all babies are different and even now my Dd still often wakes once but the difference in her was like night and day when I stopped breastfeeding and I know others who have said the same. I’m very pro breastfeeding and would never normally encourage formula but I gave my experience as I was in a similar place to the OP and I had to weigh up the benefits of breastfeeding versus the decline in my mental and physical health.

@justanotherneighinparadise

Just to add to my post above I still breast fed my son until he was two! Moving him out of my room and into his own didn’t change that. It just meant I could relax and sleep properly inbetween feeds and he (I assume) didn’t look to my boob for comfort constantly as perhaps he couldn’t smell the milk? I’m not sure. It worked though.

I agree with this. Moving my son to his own room made a huge difference to his sleep and we are continuing to breastfeed.

Pay for a sleep consultant. Was literally life changing for us.

@welshweasel

Pay for a sleep consultant. Was literally life changing for us.

I paid lots of money to the sleep consultant

Morning everyone. I must report that I'm feeling better today as I managed to get additional 1.5h sleep during the morning nap and I feel brand new. I'm going to take the children to the park now

Just wanted to say to some of the posters, I actually totally agree that breastfed babies are generally poor sleepers (not a fact, just my opinion) so it was kind of informed decision that I took. I expected it to be bad, just not THIS bad. My first one was BF and also slept terribly. All my friend's babies who were BF slept terribly, and those on formula slept through the night... this is why I thought to start giving formula in a month time. In my mind it will be a miracle pill...