New dad going insane

[DadAndEz]

Morning all!

I am out of ideas and quite frankly so far in the deep end we don't know how to get out. We have just spent the last 5 months really unable to believe we finally have our boy, we unfortunately suffered three miscarriages and when our son came along we have just held him and stared at him, I know it sounds silly.

He is now five and half months/ 23 weeks and has never been settled in his own bed, we've always researched and practiced safe co sleeping and its always worked really well for us (maybe its because we didn't actually mind at first being woken up by him as its what we have waited for).

Unfortunately this isn't working anymore, he's getting so big my partner is getting no sleep as he either wants to be fed and held, or wants to rest on her arm. Now he is suddenly waking u every 10 minutes! and that's no exaggeration, every 10 minutes. Last night we had an orchestra of Shh-ing but the lack of sleep is really starting to affect all aspects of our life.

We've been researching different sleep methods and for a few days last week tried to put him down drowsy and comfort him but we saw absolutely no progress, it actually made our night worse as he woke up in hysterical screaming all night and made us feel such lousy parents.

Sorry if I seem completely clueless we just really really need some help, we don't live near family and my mother recommends the cry out method but we really dont think its for us, it stresses us out so much.

Any advice on any aspect of helping us settle him would be hugely appreciated, Thanks for your time.

-A tired dad who has started to sh in his own head

(He is also breastfed)

How about a baby shusher (spelling!?) we had a sheep which worked wonders!!!

Also, hang in there as it will get better. The exhaustion is like no other though and I really hope it sorts itself out soon

@Mangofandangoo we have the same sheep I think! the one with the heartbeat setting too? Absolutely no avail, we downloaded a white noise app but he doesn't like it, two things he's likes are the white noise setting on google home but the speaker is quite bossy and tiredness+angry neighbours is a recipe for disaster and also he loves the hairdryer, but we can't sleep leaving a hair dryer on and I dread to think the electricity it drains

Hire a sleep consultant and sleep train at 6 months. Had both of mine sleeping through the night in their own bed within a week or so. Cosleeping is great when it’s working for you and baby. But now it’s not, so you either do something about it or accept that it’s shit but you will carry on with it in the hope it will improve!

I do vaguely remember a baby lullaby on YouTube, it was very soft and gentle, my daughter used to love it and it was about an hour long so that helped - it also worked wonders for my husband! I'll see if I can find it for you

Our DD was exactly like this and we tried everything except for controlled crying which I wouldn't recommend. DD only started sleeping properly when she was 2.5 years! I'd try the sleep trainer if you can afford unless someone else has a solution. Good luck I definitely know how you feel.

Sleep deprivation is crap. But the vast majority of babies don’t sleep well at 5 months old and it’s far too young to sleep train.

I feel the pain, honestly. My 1st and 3rd were awful; the youngest is well over 3 now and still doesn’t sleep through the night. There were times when I was back at work that I genuinely thought I might be ill with lack of sleep. But your body gets more used to it and it does get better. You just have to get through it.

Can he lie down comfortably in the daytime? (thinking possible reflux)
5 months is still so little and it's completely normal for them to wake frequently. I remember being a zombie until around 14 months. DD is now almost 4 and still wakes at midnight to get into my bed.
Share wakings if you can. If you have a spare room keep swapping so you each get a bit of sleep at least.
My DD slept better in the pram so on bad nights she used to go in there and I'd rock her to sleep.
Hang in there, it's so awful when you're in the middle of it but it will get better.

Divide and conquer. His sleep will get better, in the mean time you and partner sleep in different rooms at different times while the other has the baby. That's the only thing that got us through.

There's several white noise apps - I had a free one which had a hairdryer setting.

There's a good group on Facebook called The Beyobd Sleep Training Project, gives lots of support and advice for parents struggling with sleep who are not interested in harsh sleep training methods.

I would also say that we tried lots of things over the 3 years DS1 wouldn’t sleep, including controlled crying. It didn’t work and, infact, made his sleep worse.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Wm15rvkifPc

There you go! I can't believe I found it so quickly but then again it's probably etched into my soul

I never found baths in the evening helped, and also no playing or games for an hour before bed, we used to turn all the lights down really low and basically just fumble about for a while until she started looking tired. I know it's so hard and hope you get some results soon

Unfortunately, there's no quick fix to something like this. It's going to take commitment and work at one method for a bit of time to see an improvement or change before deciding to switch to a different method if it isn't working.

By your own admission, you have cuddled your son to sleep for his whole life (rightly so if that's what works for you) but now you've decided it isn't for you anymore, he doesn't know that, so a change is going to be a massive shock for him if he's never known any different. Try and see it how your son sees it. "Why are mummy and daddy stopping cuddling me?"

Research and choose a method and start with naps and putting down to sleep. For example, try cuddling to sleep then putting him down every nap for 3 days. Then progress up to cuddling to sleep at night and putting down. Keep progressing in small chunks but often.

You have to accept that, as lovely as the cuddles have been, it has set a precident for how sleep is for your son. You can't expect him to change easily just because you're unhappy with it now.

I set a precident with my son with naps on my lap. He's now 18 month and will only nap on mine or dh's lap but at nursery sleeps fine on a bed. It works for us and he sleeps perfectly soundly at night in his cot. But it would be unreasonable of me to suddenly change his home nap routine because I don't fancy it anymore.

Good luck with it.

We're in the 4 month regression, but things that sometimes work...

Put him in the cot fed, clean and calm /happy and play loudish white noise with the lights down. Sometimes I stroke a his chest, other times I kind of turn away if he's trying to chat! The baby sleep ap is free and has all different sounds on.

If self settling really isn't happening, maybe feed /rock/cuddle to sleep then gently put him in the cot with something that smells of mum?

Good luck!

Google the pick up put down technique, took a few days but I used this effectively.

Thankyou for your replies so quickly, sometimes we just need to see we are not alone in this! and I never thought I would struggle to understand some of the simple aspects of parenting (if there are any). So many conflicting google searches about the correct age to start sleep training that I just needed some experienced parents to help with a guideline, so thank you.

Please keep with the ideas i'm going to write them all down and sit with my partner to discuss with her.

Get his ears checked. He might have an ear infection.

Break it down. First of all separate nap times from night time sleep.
Does he have a sleep routine? Does he roughly nap at the same time every day. Good day time sleep helps night time sleep. Personally I did whatever it took for nap times.
Then at night. Is there a bedtime routine? Does he get cues from you that X is night time? Or is he sleeping too much in the day and less at night? A simple night time routine of a warm bath, change of clothes, feeding in dim light and the same story every night can help sort his circadian rhythm. Then say between 7-6 am all feeds and nappy changes in dim light. Minimal conversation.

Then how is he falling asleep? If he’s being cuddled to sleep or fed to sleep then every time he wakes up he will need the same? I gradually (no 3 day solutions here) worked to getting him to a point where I could feed both kids, gently wake them, tuck them in (Co slept with one and not with the other) and put them down. In the dark.
Then the next step is what happens when they wake up. What does it take to get them back to sleep. You want to work towards helping them need minimal settling.
I will be honest that anecdotally kids that have dummies or sucked thumbs fell/fall asleep easier. And many kids need some soothing mechanism to fall asleep. Maybe a Muslin cloth or something.
Also eliminate any obvious physical discomfort like silent reflux.
And finally remember that like us babies stir and move and make noise. Over time don’t rush in each time. Let them (without crazy crying or sleep training) work out for themselves how to fall back asleep. For both of mine I would put a hand on their back and say night night. Then gradually just the hand and one night night. Then sometimes just say shhh night would send him back to sleep. And gradually both of mine learned to connect sleep cycles.

So break it down into a regular nap schedules, good sleep routine, falling asleep, staying asleep and tackle each separately. I would also recommend keeping a sleep diary so that you can chart some overall progress even when you have a bad night. Sometimes nights 6/7/8 are bad and you feel you have gone backwards but then you see ‘hey actually he fell asleep okay and for the first part of the night he’s been a lot better so overall it’s working.’

My personal preference is for these over quick ‘sleep training.’ To me this is also a form of sleep training but it teaches better long term sleep habits.

A recording of hairdryer noise might work? Is there one on YouTube?

If he likes white noise, you could try a fan. Might also be useful when it gets hotter. Good luck.

Could you make a recording of the hairdryer and put it on to keep playing?

There are lots of different sleep training methods, their effectiveness depends on the type of child and consistency from the parents.
Cry it out worked like a dream for my DD, but would never have been suitable for my DS. We used shush and pat with him which was harder, took longer, but did work.
How much sleep is your little one getting during the day? Make sure there is a good awake period of 3hrs before bedtime even if it means keeping them up a little later.
I agree it’s prime sleep regression time so you may just need to wait it out.
In relation to transferring into their own bed, make sure the mattress is warm before you put them in, not stone cold. You can do this with a water bottle or similar (making sure you remove it). Some people put the mums clothes in there for the smell, but I didn’t. You could dab a bit of breast milk in there for smell.
It’s takes 3 consistent times to break an old habit, so maintain any new routine for at least 3 or 4 nights before thinking you’ve cracked it.
I also want to echo what others have Sadie, hang in there, it will improve.

How are his naps?

When my daughter wasn’t sleeping someone recommended googling baby sleep cycles and I was putting her down for naps too late. Once we cracked naps her night time sleep got better.

You sound like a great dad by the way.

I found that DS's sleep was worse at 5 months (although admittedly not as bad as you describe). You tube rain noise apps and the sheep helped a bit. I agree try not to respond to the first whimper. See if he will settle back down first.

He will sleep eventually. This won't last forever.

We’ve got a 5 month old. At this age, according to everything I’ve read, they need to be getting 11-12 hours overnight and 3-4 hours a day.

What you’ve done (with the very best intentions) is set your baby’s ideas as to what sleep is and how it is achieved - with you, cuddled to sleep. Babies don’t like change. When they cry when you do it differently, it isn’t that they are unhappy, but that they are experiencing change. That was a really comforting point to keep in my mind when things were tricky.

So you need to do things slowly to change their sleep associations.

• Get then to sleep in a co- sleeping cot next to your bed - you can be cuddled near. Don’t worry about them being drowsy etc - just getting them to sleep is key.
• can you introduce a new sleep association - a dummy perhaps?
• always make sure that they are sleeping in a very dark room with white noise. Ours responded really well to the white noise on Spotify with heartbeats - made her feel closer perhaps?

We bought one of the sleep guides from the sleep consultants on Instagram and it’s been a godsend - we used calm and bright sleep support. It gave us guidelines on a nap routine which we started putting them down in.

Four weeks in, they sleep overnight and sleep for 2 hours at lunch. It’s been a slow and gradual process but I’ve always found comfort in remembering that babies like structure and they need sleep! X