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Sleep

Join our Sleep forum for tips on creating a sleep routine for your baby or toddler. Need more advice on your childs development? Sign up to our Ages and Stages newsletter here.

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Original poster

HOW do you get your baby to self settle

57 replies

Horehound · 26/02/2020 21:21

Reading threads about people's kids self soothing at a few weeks through to early months....how did they learn to do it?

Did you sleep train them and if so, what did you do?

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Thedrowners30 · 26/02/2020 21:32

You don’t. Self settling is developmental...it can’t be taught.
You can train your baby to be quiet because nobody is going to come and pick him/her up but it’s not the same thing

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/sarahockwell-smith.com/2014/06/30/self-settling-what-really-happens-when-you-teach-a-baby-to-self-soothe-to-sleep/amp/

Thedrowners30 · 26/02/2020 21:33

And sleep training of any kind isn't recommended before six months.

PotteringAlong · 26/02/2020 21:34

They just do it when they’re ready. You sit with them and cuddle them and one day they just get it.

Ohnoherewego62 · 26/02/2020 21:36

Self settling is when they're ready to do it and not before it.

Even at that, no guarantee they'll always be good sleepers. Mines was great then developed new skills etc and was up so many times through the night until I resorted to cosleeping! It went on for months!

JonnyPocketRocket · 26/02/2020 21:36

I came here to say the same as Thedrowners. My LO is 3 months and still wakes up (and needs me to settle him) roughly every 2 hours. Some of my friends have had unicorn babies that naturally self-settled from a few weeks but in general it seems to take about 15 or 16 months or in some cases up to 2.5 years. It's gruelling but they do it when they're ready to do it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Babymamamama · 26/02/2020 21:39

I just think babies are all different. Some sleep monumental amounts and can be put down and nod off immediately. Others need a lot of help e.g. Feeding to sleep, rocking or whatever. They are like little adults in that we are all different. I have to read myself to sleep and couldn't just be put in a dark room and drift off. I think sleep training is a bit of a misnomer and can be distressing for little ones who need parental support to go to sleep.

DefiniteArticle · 26/02/2020 21:43

You can't. It's developmental and the timescale depends on the individual child. You can try if you want but you'll just add to your stress.

happymummy12345 · 26/02/2020 21:44

We always just put ds down and left him for up to 10 minutes to settle down. If there was nothing else wrong he would settle within this time. Yes he cried for a few minutes but he would always settle as long as there was nothing else wrong. We done this from when he stopped falling asleep while having his bottle.

Original poster

Horehound · 27/02/2020 07:52

He's 6 months and a week and we are following the stay and support method but actually use white noise and patting and he drifts off under five mins but I'm feeling pressure from people saying he needs to be left to cry and also my cousin did the Ferber method and said her baby is so good now at going to sleep, happy in her own cot.
But husband doesn't want baby to cry it out and I'm not entirely comfortable with it myself because he is still little and at least we moved on from having to stand and rock him every time. In the night if he wakes I just feed and he goes straight back down in cot, no fussing. It's really just the five mins at bed time.
Do you think that's ok? I just don't see how we progress from using white noise and patting to when he will fall asleep no tears

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Original poster

Horehound · 27/02/2020 07:54

@happymummy12345 I did it once and he cried 30mins showing no signs of stopping so I've never done it again. Although I was returning at phased intervals but by jove he had worked himself up into a frenzy.

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InDubiousBattle · 27/02/2020 08:04

If your baby settles to sleep in under five minutes, by whatever method, then just do that.

Superfoodie123 · 27/02/2020 08:41

They cant self settle at that age, they need you to show them how. It's very hard for babies that small to learn that, if they do it'll be out of knowing you're not there for them when they need you, and that will have attachment consequences. They are only that small once, I know its hard but sometimes it's worth giving them what they need and they tend to sleep better later on.

Original poster

Horehound · 27/02/2020 11:29

Ok thanks I just needed other people to say what I'm doing is ok.
I know he's just small still so will not resort to sleep training :)

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PinkyU · 27/02/2020 11:39

My middle child just could not settle themselves at all until around 4 years, she needed presence and reassurance to feel safe enough to sleep. I know 4 years seems like a long time, and it felt like it at the time, but in the grand scheme of life, it’s a tiny proportion, and now at 10, she is becoming much more independent, in everything, that I miss when just holding my hand or the sound of my breath would be the single most important thing to her.

Childhood is short op, while it feels long and arduous, please don’t wish these moments of need away because they’ll fade so quickly.

Original poster

Horehound · 27/02/2020 13:01

I know what you mean @pinkyu and I'm definitely not wishing then away unjust don't want him upset at every bed time. However, just ten mins ago I out him down for a nap and he watched his mobile then rolled over with his giraffe and fell asleep! I had to pay his bum but that was it and he fell asleep. Such a clever wee toot. I'm sure it's a fluke but I'm taking it hehe

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NewMum293 · 27/02/2020 15:36

In the nicest way possible, if your child falls asleep in 5 mins, why would you want to leave them to cry it out?

I’m not judging sleep training - I had to do it for my then-10 month-old but she was taking well over an hour to go to sleep and more often than not, skipping naps entirely because she wouldn’t settle.

No one has your baby but you. Don’t worry about what anyone else is doing. If it’s working for your family, it’s working for your family. x

Original poster

Horehound · 27/02/2020 17:14

@NewMum293 oh because he's only just started doing this is the last week but because we are using white noise and patting him and talking etc I don't see how he will ever just sleep on his own without us doing all that every time.
Just seems like we have gone from one crutch to another but yes, 5mins is perfectly fine it's just usually he still cries.
Basically I just want him to go to bed happy and have no tears going to sleep

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NewMum293 · 27/02/2020 19:26

Babies don’t stay the same forever! He won’t be 18 needing white noise and patting to get him to sleep, I promise!

They learn as they get older and the self settling will come (with my daughter she was self settling at nursery fine but not at home, hence the sleep training).

And don’t forget babies have no other way to communicate but crying. So he might not be sad, he might be saying “I was having fun, I’m not ready to sleep yet!” or “I’m so overtired!” 5 minutes of crying and soothing at 6 months really isn’t anything to worry about. Babies don’t develop in a straight line - you’ll have lots of ups and downs with sleep to come, it’s not really something you can control, esp in the early days x

Original poster

Horehound · 27/02/2020 20:31

Hehe your post made me laugh @NewMum293 that's true! Well I hope I won't be patting him to sleep at 18 anyway!!

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Melamine · 27/02/2020 21:48

I did stay and support from about 6 months too and mine started properly self settling and sleeping through (or almost) at 9 months. She usually has a bit of a grumble for 30 seconds or so before falling asleep. I don’t consider that the same as crying though!

Original poster

Horehound · 28/02/2020 07:43

Oh that's good to know @Melamine yes I agree a wee grumble isn't anything to write home about, is it?
Well, we didn't have a good time putting him down last night. I had to end up picking him up and calming him then he seemed to want a boob but he just took a sip then was falling asleep which I didn't want to happen. So back in the cot he went but actually went down not too bad after that, guess he just needed an extra but I'd comfort. He was up four times in the night though so I am exhausted

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HaroldTheDad · 04/03/2020 21:21

We've just had another baby (2 daughters now).
Daughter 1 (now 2yrs 1month) went to self soothing by a out 4 or 5 weeks. She woke about 2 or 3 times every night but only because she needed a feed and/or nappy change. So whenever she cried we got her up, fed, change and she went right back to sleep. She never seemed to want or need cuddles. We have no idea how this happened, just luck of the draw. She still sleeps really well now.

Daughter 2 was born this year, 27 feb (nearly a leap year baby, wife was 11 days overdue) and she has been waking at night pretty much every hour or cluster feeding. She will only go to sleep with cuddles so shes been in our bed alot (I know it's bad but it's what she needs) and me and partner are both exhausted....and it's only been one week! We could easily have this for the next three months but I hope not. Right now when daughter 2 cries at night we just get her up, do the change/feed etc then settle her with cuddles. She usually falls asleep within an hour, sometimes 30mins if lucky, then we put her in her cot with white noise and wait for the next cry. Luckily I can help with feeds as she is formula fed because of reasons. Plus she seems to like sleeping on my chest. It is still so tiring though and I dread going back to work as I worry about how my wife will cope. We just have to get help from family and friends. But it's really not easy.
The comments of other parents on here are really helpful and help me see we aren't the only ones, but being exhausted in only week 1 is hard.

Original poster

Horehound · 04/03/2020 21:30

@haroldthedad
Firstly, congratulations on your new baby!
I know it is hard and it will seem especially so when your first was so "easy". But yes, just do what your baby needs and remember it is very, very early days. My baby is now 6 months and two weeks and he is getting better to sleep almost daily. Today he actually managed to put himself to sleep with no tears. Tonight was a different story completely but I'm just trying to concentrate on the good sleep events.

Your wife will cope when you go back to work, she just has to! Don't worry !

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HaroldTheDad · 04/03/2020 22:00

Yeah thanks I hope it improves soon for us.
But really what I've found is I hate the crying more than being exhausted. If I cant stop her from crying that's what really gets us both. Being tired because she slept on us all night we just sort of accept and wander round like we have a hangover. You sort of get used to it.
But oh man I cant believe we forgot the first months were like this. And all things permitting we hope one day to add one more to the family, must be crazy. My wife was crying earlier because she couldn't stop baby crying, I told her she was doing all the right things (she is) and then we started talking about the next one whilst the current one is shredding our ears

Original poster

Horehound · 04/03/2020 22:08

Lol yes we like to test ourselves don't we?!
Yup my baby only slept on me for the first two months...

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