Controlled crying not working

[Laura1609]

In desperate need of help. We have been doing controlled crying with our almost 8 month old DS for 5 weeks and still no improvement. Bedtime is so stressful for all of us; he can cry for up to 40 mins. We go in after 5 mins, then every 10 until he’s asleep. This was our absolute last resort as he’s always been a terrible sleeper. I spent the first 6 months of his life cuddling him to sleep for every single nap and every bedtime and he’d wake up every hour if not more. For naps in the day he goes down in his cot no problem, I very rarely have to go in to him as he’s asleep within a couple of minutes with no crying but night time is horrendous. We’ve tried tweaking timings so he has more daytime sleep, less daytime sleep, earlier bed, later bed and nothing has worked. He gets himself so worked up. He’s already been going for 20 mins tonight and I’m at the end of my tether. Please help!!

@laura1609 - I completely empathise with this post and had to write a reply to you .

I literally could have written this myself , and in fact a couple of months ago I did!! My daughter (who is now 1year next week) has always been a terrible sleeper - but it got really bad at 4 months and then 8months - I would spend my entire evenings upstairs with her from 7-midnight trying to settle her . Each time she realised I had gone she would wake up and cry again ! And yup I had a solid routine and was doing all the "textbook" stuff - but still she just didn't want to be away from me.

Just as I was at breaking point - literally fell to the kitchen floor one night sobbing and shouting at my husband (whilst listening to my daughter also crying upstairs because she had woken again for the ten millionth time!) things began to change . For us, this change happened at 10months - all of a sudden she was quite happy to self settle on the odd occasion or be rocked to sleep (instead of breastfed to sleep ) and then within the last week of her being 11months she slept through the night .

Hang in there !! You're doing an amazing job and your little one loves you so much - when you're in the thick of it (I know how utterly exhausting and mentally draining it is ) it's hard to see the wood through the trees - keep holding onto hope that things will pass and change , maybe not next week or next month , but soon they will change :) xxx

Ps the person who said to
"Enjoy your beautiful baby" - whilst this is rubbish advice and is beyond irritating to hear when you are in the thick of sleep deprivation , I guess goes to prove a point that the sleep deprivation is a phase as this person has very clearly forgotten all about it. So that's quite nice I guess !!!

@gaffamate I’ve cut out dairy since about 5 months when we were finally taken seriously and it’s made a difference but she’s still miserable. We’ve had terrible advice tbh. No one mentioned anything about soya, and when we last saw the consultant about a month ago and I said I’d like to stop breastfeeding, rather than prescribe the special formula like I was expecting she said to put her straight onto soya milk! My friend whose dc have grown up with multiple allergies was horrified so I’ve not tried it. I don’t feel like I can cut anything else from my diet as tbh I already resent it. And yes, that’s an awful thing to say. But I’ve given and given and given of myself and my baby still isn’t happy, it is soul destroying. I can’t sleep, I literally can’t put her down in the day. And I can’t even eat what I want. I’ve been lying here with her constantly on the boob all night listening to dh snoring next to me and I’m just fed up of it.

I'm with the other posters who just popped baby in the cot, put on the white noise, shut the door and didn't go back. It was heartbreaking for three or four days, DS cried a lot, but after that few days he figured it out and he's slept reliably 12-14 hours a night from 7 months on. I'm a lone parent and the lack of sleep was breaking me. I feel that I'm a better mother when I've had more sleep, but I've always been wrecked by lack of sleep.

I was were you are about a year ago.
I’d carry him in a sling in the evening and when I was ready to go to bed he’d come in with me. This worked really well for a no crying approach to us both getting plenty of sleep. Also I slept and still sleep topless so he could just ‘help himself’ to milk at any point in the night!

It felt relentless for a month or two but with lots of love and responding to his cries with cuddles and milk he slowly felt secure enough to start the evening sleeping alone.

Thank you to all of you who offered advice, empathy and words of support. It’s greatly appreciated. Last night he actually ended up waking at 11, but I settled him more easily than it has been for a week or so and then slept through until 6.30!! I, of course, was awake from about 5am just watching him on the monitor 😂

To those of who who think I’m cruel for doing this you’re entitled to your opinion but just know that I didn’t embark on sleep training for selfish reasons, it’s not because I wanted a full nights sleep; I wouldn’t have had a baby if that was so important to me! I just want my boy to have solid sleep to benefit his development and happiness although he is already the happiest most giggly boy around.

Good luck to anyone else on a similar sleep journey to me, our babies will all get there eventually and I’ll be reminding my boy how much he loved and wanted me when he’s a teenager and probably telling me where to go!

@AwkwardAsAllGetout it's not too bad cutting soya, have you joined the bf for cmpa Facebook groups? If not then do as they're very helpful. I know, it sucks, my DD still hasn't got over her allergy so every birthday party and meal out is a hassle but we muddle through and now my ds has allergies, milk, soya and wheat which is gruelling! It does get better though

OP that's great, wishing you all the best and hang in there - you're doing great

@gaffamate I have joined the fb group but tbh I don’t find it the friendliest group, the mod seems pretty humourless, they’re quick to jump on people asking reasonable questions which puts me off. I’ll have a look at giving up soya, it seems most of the dairy replacements I have have it in somewhere. We have another appointment at the end of the month so I have to try something

I always co slept when they got like this!

@AwkwardAsAllGetout oatly barista (grey carton) is my go to milk and a lot of the cheese are oat and coconut based. You may find you can tolerate soya lecithin which opens up tons of options

Already an oatly barista fan, we’ve been dairy free since she was about 5 months old and I love the taste, so much so that I still often think dh has made my tea with regular milk as it’s so creamy. I’m impressed really that it’s not as hard as I thought it would be, but I’m getting to find it a bind now as dd is still so unhappy

I co slept until my son started sleeping through at about a year. Then the transition to his own cot bed wasn't too bad. He's still little, it won't be like this forever although it feels like it now x x