Controlled crying not working

[Laura1609]

In desperate need of help. We have been doing controlled crying with our almost 8 month old DS for 5 weeks and still no improvement. Bedtime is so stressful for all of us; he can cry for up to 40 mins. We go in after 5 mins, then every 10 until he’s asleep. This was our absolute last resort as he’s always been a terrible sleeper. I spent the first 6 months of his life cuddling him to sleep for every single nap and every bedtime and he’d wake up every hour if not more. For naps in the day he goes down in his cot no problem, I very rarely have to go in to him as he’s asleep within a couple of minutes with no crying but night time is horrendous. We’ve tried tweaking timings so he has more daytime sleep, less daytime sleep, earlier bed, later bed and nothing has worked. He gets himself so worked up. He’s already been going for 20 mins tonight and I’m at the end of my tether. Please help!!

Have you considered night weaning?

That's the only thing that worked for us

@Andsbk We’re not leaving him to cry. We go in at regular intervals to comfort him, it just seems he can’t be comforted which is making me desperately sad. Don’t worry, we’re not abandoning our baby!

I have nothing helpful to add, just solidarity. Dd is 10 months and I’m on my knees with tiredness. I don’t think I’ve had more than 2 hours undisturbed sleep at a time since she was born and it’s affected my mental state terribly. We managed to actually get her into the cot at about 7 months old but she’d never go more than 3 hours at a time, and for the last week and been refusing to go down at all. She has never napped in the cot, she still naps on me. I have all the books but literally no time or concentration span to read them. I feel horribly trapped tbh. She’s dc4 so shouldn’t have been such a shock, but she’s by far the most difficult baby I’ve ever come across.

Whats the difference between day sleeps and night? Maybe try and keep them the same - perhaps more light might help

So sorry you're going through this, lack of sleep is brutal. My DS went through a horrendous sleep regression about that age, we ended up co-sleeping in the end - maybe your DC is going through one too?

@inthethickofit19 Thanks, I’ll take a look. Routine is pretty good (well, as much of a routine as we can!). He tends to be awake for two hours max before his first nap of the day, then he’ll usually go between 2.5-3 hours from waking from that nap to the lunchtime one. He does still need a little top up nap sometimes late afternoon, usually only 15-20 mins to tide him over until bedtime. We’ve tweaked timings a lot to get an understanding of if it’s over or under tiredness and we’re still stumped.

@bingbangbing We haven’t quite reached the night weaning stage yet, plan to try it in the next month or so.

@AwkwardAsAllGetout Sending hugs to you. Sleep deprivation is horrific, especially when it’s so sustained. I feel like I can’t be the best mum who is fun and energetic for him when I’m so so tired.

@AwkwardAsAllGetout have you considered a sleep consultant?

Sorry OP I m not saying you're abandoning your baby but if you try for such a long time and still is not sleeping through the night maybe you should change something.
Sorry my English is not good
I ve always sleep with my babies,same room, same or different bed and they sleep so good. Maybe your son is just not ready to sleep by himself.
Good luck

@Isbutteracarb I’m wondering the same. To go from crying (sometimes just whinging) for 10-15 mins at bedtime and only waking once to almost an hour of screaming and frequent wake ups makes me think there’s something going on. It took 2 months for him to come out of the 4 month one 😭

@GrumpyHoonMain We keep naps and bedtime the same. The only difference is a shortened routine before a nap and he goes down great for them. We tried replicating the nap routine at bedtime too, that didn’t work either.

@Laura1609 the MyHummy has an automatic cry sensor which starts as soon as baby stirs, I haven't tried one but I have read good reviews even from this age. I'm going to give one a go, they're pricey but I'm desperate lol

I’m not sure there are any sleep consultants local to us tbh, and I doubt we could afford it. I’ve just had to pay an obscene amount to repair my car after a stupid accident that happened while dd was screaming and when I’d had no sleep. Thankfully at low speed and no one else involved, just a lapse of concentration. But it’s made me despair even more as I’m now afraid to drive. Dd has cmpa and I’m convinced she has reflux too which can’t be helping. I’m desperate to stop breastfeeding her but it just seems impossible. Sorry to hijack the thread.

I can’t believe anyone would leave a baby to cry for this long.. and for so many weeks?
OP, there is no need to sleep train, enjoy your beautiful baby. I’ve got 3 and they have never slept through reliably until age 2. It’s all normal. Don’t put you or him through this.

@oly4 we don’t leave him to cry, we go into him to comfort him at regular intervals. Please don’t make me feel any worse than I already do, I came looking for advice and not to feel as though I’m a terrible mother.

I'd go back to co sleeping. It night have stopped working at 5 months because he was going through the regression but it may well be fine now.

10-15 mins is a long time to cry

I know people are trying to be helpful but saying ‘enjoy your beautiful baby’ is just so hollow when you’re in the thick of it. No doubt I’ll look back on this time wistfully when it’s just a memory, but right now, it’s so difficult. I haven’t a moment to myself day or night. It’s not normal

I'm probably a bit old fashioned as I'm nearly 60 but I had to go back to work as a single parent single mum and I would literally have died if my son hadn't slept through the night.
I decided there was going to be no tiptoeing around him with blackout curtains and no noise because I had to do housework after work and cooking.
I stick some music or the tv on and get busy with his cot wherever I was, he loved the fact I was there doing stuff and the tv seemed to soothe him, he would just drop off safe in the knowledge that mummy was right there.
I think he would have hated being in a cot upstairs on his own. We didn't actually use the upstairs at all as there was no heating on up there.
I had a daybed downstairs and just went to bed when I wanted without being quiet.
He could sleep through anything in the end.

OP that sounds really similar to my DS, he went from only waking a couple of times a night to full on screaming every hour on the hour. Apparently the 8/9/10 month sleep regression can drag on a bit (I remember it taking a good few weeks), hopefully he'll come through it soon

@AwkwardAsAllGetout are you cutting out dairy and soya? My DD was an allergy baby and never slept, she was asking every hour until 18 months and then 3-4 times a night until she was 3 and a half. I hate to say it but you do get used to it. Co sleeping helps - side car a cot for more room.

I hope hope you will find something that works for your baby soon, sleep deprivation is utterly exausting. You have started a very divisive topic and I guess will get a lot of opposite opinions. I think all babies are different and some do need to feel the presence of the parent more than others. No advise but just personal experience - Ours had a similar period of waking up every hour or so at 7-8 months and crying for milk. We ended up co-sleeping but stopped the feeds with the exception of one at 3 or 4 am. It was the easiest option for us, all of us slept and felt so much better, it was worth it . Now at 4 yo ds still loves falling asleep next to one of us, but does not usually wake up at night. I think as a baby he just needed that reassurance that we are there, he hated being alone and I absolutely hated him being distressed.
The other child was happy to be falling asleep with the kind of womb noise sounds playing for 20 min or so, on her own in her room, so completely different. So it might be some babies are happy to sleep on their own, some are just not.

@Isbutteracarb Hopefully he’ll come out the other side and maybe bedtime will get a little easier too. So many regressions for these poor little ones, the little guy just needs his sleep!

I'm not really sure what advise to give but if it was me, I think I would completely change night routine as it sounds like he knows what's coming and he is getting worked up. Could you maybe move his cot into your room? Take him to bed when you go? He him ready for bed while you do. Don't make a big deal. Talk to him, say we are all now going to be let's settled down. I know that might sound a bit silly but I always find talking through everything with my daughter seems to help her settle. Get him used to sleeping in his cot at night time while you are there? Comfort him when he cries, babies just need us to hold them and reassure, they don't understand the world. When a baby that has gone to sleep crying and upset wakes up they are still going to be upset and not be able to settle themselves.

Some babies just don’t sleep through the night that early though. And yes, you’re going in to comfort him at regular intervals but if it hasn’t worked in 5 weeks it’s not going to work.

Mine were awful sleepers. My (just) 3 year old still doesn’t sleep through but has got noticeably better in the last 2 months. I appreciate the lack of sleep, I really do because I have not had a sustained period of getting a full nights sleep in 8 years. But if controlled crying had not worked in 5 weeks you need a different tack. And maybe appreciate that this could be months / years of it. I do know that the thing that made 2 and 3 much easier to deal with than number 1 was that first time round I convinced myself that he should be sleeping and the next 2 I stressed a lot less about it and just went with it.

White noise machine? My two sleep so much better with one. You can buy one for £20 in argos. It can use batteries or mains.
Good luck but if I were you I would go back to cosleeping or rocking to sleep. It will save you all a lot of stress 💐

If you have a tablet you can just set up a playlist on YouTube of white noise, like this one: and not bother with buying a white noise machine.