CC working - but now he's hysterical during bedtime routine

[Livingoffcoffee]

After months (11 to be precise) of terrible sleep, we have started the Ferber Controlled Crying Method and seems to be working. Last night was night 5 and it took DS 7min to fall asleep and stayed asleep till 5:30. The longest stretch of sleep anyone in our house has had since he was born!

My problem is that since starting CC, he gets hysterical as soon as the bedtime routine starts now. I'm assuming it's because he knows what's going to happen and he's still really bad once in his cot for the first couple minutes.

Do anyone have experience with this? Will he settle down at bedtime once he gets the hang of falling asleep on his own (without crying)??

'if your son is getting hysterical at the bedtime routine this isn’t working for him. He clearly knows he’s going to be left to cry when he’s in bed, so is telling you he’s not ok with it before you leave him.'

This. Really, this is a very strong signal that while CC may be 'working' in terms of his sleep, it's not 'working' in terms of his psychological health.

Can you co-sleep?

(I've had three who were still bf several times a night until close to 2 (indeed well over 2 in one case), and my 4yo is very rarely asleep before 10pm, so I get what it's like to have bad sleepers. But - not judging, just stating fact - I could not have done this)

'The world is judgemental enough. Let's not add to it shall we'

The world is tough and sad and can be lonely. Let's not allow our own children to be hysterical and scream themselves to sleep until they realise the people they trust and love the most in the world aren't coming for them. Shall we?

So now he's only having a 'tiny grumble', he appears to have learned, quickly, that his needs for closeness/comfort at bedtime won't be attended to. I would expect the anxiety this will undoubtedly have caused to come out in other ways, tbh.

I’m afraid I’m with Sahara.

Do you leave him crying at other times or only bedtime? If he’s tired or unsettled do you cuddle and reassure him or do you walk away and leave him in distress?

If you feel your approach is “working” then good for you but don’t be ridiculous about “judgement” when it’s your child who was distressed by what you’ve been doing or not doing.

I did this with my dd, it was tough going but she's now a brilliant sleeper (she's 12 now), no emotional issues and no harm done, she knows she loved and wanted

Nobody can claim it doenst impact the child. How we are parented in those early months impacts brain development and attachment style.

@livingoffcoffee please ignore these rude people!
Its your choice to sleep train! Ive just done it and it took 2 nights.
Your not a bad parent - youve just taught your baby to sleep.

Why is it sad and bad news long term? For goodness sake all of us older people were left to cry ourselves to sleep and we're not all mad or neurotic we function perfectly well as human beings.
Babies and children are very resilient and he will get used to the routine, you're not starving or neglecting him or beating him up at bedtime ff's. As long as he knows he is loved he will be fine.

@madcatladyforever you don't think it's sad that this baby got hysterical at the bedtime routine as he knew he was being left alone shortly afterwards? That's not sad?

11 month old is closer to toddlerhood than to a newborn stage. Older babies and toddlers often go hysterical when they do not like changes made to their routine, not because they feel "lonely".

I "sleep trained" (taught DD to self-settle) from very early days and she has been a brilliant sleeper ever since. However she refused to sleep anywhere but in her cot. I still remember trying to get her to sleep in the pram when we went out for dinner with family. DD point blank refused to even close her eyes and absolutely screamed the place down. She was not "lonely" or "scared" - she was just furious I was keeping her away from her favourite cot and known routine. That was definitely lesson learnt.

At that age, hysterics are usually because they aren't getting what they want, ie tantrums, aren't we always told 'ignore the bad' 'reward the good'. As I said earlier, we used controlled crying with my dd and she's fine and fully attached to both parents. I also have a dd who I adopted and I wouldn't do this with her as she has attachment disorder. It's all about coming from a place of security. If the OPs DC are attached to her then CC works with no ill affects

If he's getting hysterical knowing what's to come it's not actually working is it?

My lad has screamed blue murder when he gets out the bath and before bed since he’s been at home. Every night for 9 months he’s cried before going to bed. I must be the world’s most disgustingly god awful mum.
I put him in his cot and he rolls over and goes to sleep for 12 hours. Poor kid.

@Abouttimemum I'm sure you comfort and soothe him during this bath-cot transition. I'm sure you'd not feel comfortable walking away at the height of that distress and not returning?

Babies cry and dislike changes in routine - they might not like car seats for example. But you'd support them in that discomfort. CC abandons them to cry

CC abandons them to cry.

No, CC entails regular check-ins and reassurances.

The vast majority of babies over 6 months have already developed object permanence so they know parents are out there even when they cannot be seen. Going into the room and using an established settling / soothing technique (e.g. patting on the back or stroking hair) is indeed analogous to driving the car with the screaming baby in the car seat. Parents can talk to them, sing to them, comfort them but they do not remove children from the car seat. Parents being in the car doesn't make a major difference - older babies will know you are around whether they see you or not.

Very pleased to read this post tbh, we have an 18 month old who is an awful sleeper and we've just started the Ferber method.

To those who are being unkind, obviously the ideal situation is that no baby ever cries and always falls asleep well on their own. Unfortunately the reality is very different!

We have spent 18 months doing anything you can imagine to get out LO to sleep. Driving in the car for hours at 2am, feeding to sleep, rocking in his pram in his room for hours on end, co-sleeping, sleeping holding his hand, next2me crib, sleeping on a mattress on the floor in his room etc etc etc. We have come to a point where this absolutely cannot go on. Yesterday he got 7 hours sleep, HE needs more than that. Yes it feels horrible to hear your baby crying but some people have no other choice or their baby will suffer from sleep deprivation (let lone the parents!).

We're not 'leaving him to cry' we're right outside his door very quietly saying sleep time so he knows we're still here. But something has to change.

I cannot understand why you'd leave a child to cry for 7 minutes before they want to sleep. Utterly heartbreaking. I have a terrible sleeper but there's absolutely no chance I'd leave him to cry even now at 3 years old.

But nothing we do stops his crying because he's extremely overtired so then what? He cries in the car, cries if we hold his hand,cries if we give him milk etc etc.

It's ok to say you wouldn't let them cry but what if nothing stops him from crying? Then what?

I think some babies cry before sleep as a way of releasing energy/tension. My older son did it for a bit, it was only around 5 mins and comforting made him angrier.

Omg i can't understand why anyone would want to leave their baby to cry... Sleep training especially crying ones is just against mother nature, they are babies ffs... Stop with ridiculous expectations on their sleep.

By the way, your child has basically learned that crying at night is practically useless as they are left for minutes at a time so has given up.

Look up cortisol levels and the myth of self settling.

Can't believe parents still do this with all the information out there.

Imagine leaving an old person to cry in the dark in a care home... There would be an outrage.

Poor baby.
Makes me want to cry.