Feeling suicidal with sleep deprivation - 9 month old

[tftr]

My baby has been a terrible sleeper since the 4 month sleep regression (he woke at least every hour for more than 3 months).

We did some gentle sleep training at 7ish months (shush pat/pupd) and got him sleeping in his cot in his room and for longer stretches. Before this I was co sleeping and it really really didn’t work for us, as he was latched on the whole night suckling and neither of us got any sleep.

Since then we’ve had glimmers of hope (a few nights here and there of only 1 wake up/ 1 night of sleeping through).

However, with a succession of colds and teething and learning to crawl etc he is often up every two hours still. Obviously he can self settle as he can join sleep cycles, but won’t at these times.

I have insomnia and can’t sleep when he sleeps - every time I go to sleep I get woken up and this has been happening for so long I can’t get myself back to sleep anymore. I’m surviving off an average of 2-3 hours of broken sleep a night.

This week he’s been worse than ever (waking at least every two hours, fully awake from 4-6am, lots of standing in the cot crying).

Other potentially relevant info:

• naps on me or in pram only. Hysterical about napping in cot. This is making me feel like even more of a failure and means I really don’t get any time to myself. If I try to ‘work on’ cot naps he just sleeps for no time at all in day and this makes the nights worse

• tried strict routine and it did nothing. He does one things for 3/4/5 days - seeming to fall into line with a routine - then will completely change it for no obvious reason. Eg he’ll do 4 days of 1.5 hour lunch time naps at the same time, then the next day will only sleep for 45 mins at a different time and will do this for another few days before switching to something else. So I can also never make proper plans in day as I know I’ll have a baby sleeping on me but not when or for how long. (This is driving me crazy.)

• at the moment we are therefore just roughly following a 2/3/4 pattern plus watching for tiredness cues. He has a solid bedtime routine and goes to bed at roughly the same time every night with no fuss (fed to sleep and put in cot)

• eating some solids (but maybe not enough, don’t know) 3x day. Is heavy

• ebf on demand. Has usually 1-3 feeds a night but don’t think he really needs any/more than 1

• on waking at night is now usually left to grizzle / only attended to if becomes distressed. Recently though is sitting/standing in cot howling almost immediately

• has terrible separation anxiety, although I haven’t left him for more than a few mins his whole waking life. No one else can even hold him or he howls

I can’t cope anymore. I’m so frustrated by my complete failure to parent him successfully to sleep. I’m lying in bed at night thinking about how to kill myself as I can’t see a way out of this. I slept terribly when I was pregnant and have basically given up hope of ever sleeping again. My marriage is going down the drain and I have to go back to work soon.

I’m willing to get a sleep consultant/night nanny/do whatever to fix this as it is ruining my life but too frazzled to decide what to do. The sound of him crying makes my soul hurt but he’s crying a lot at night already so I’d be open to more sleep training - but he seems untrainable at the moment. He will just cry endlessly and the sound is making me hurt myself. I’m so worried that the lack of sleep is scarring him developmentally and I feel so guilty that he’s so unhappy at night. I always believed in attachment parenting and that things would be ok if I threw love at him but despite 9 months of me doing absolutely everything for him and nothing at all for myself they aren’t ok.

I think I’ve read the whole internet and I just can’t see the woods from the trees anymore. I feel like the worst mother with the worst sleeping 9 month old in the world.

Please could someone tell me what to do.

I think this is the sort of situation a sleep consultant could help in (disclaimer, I've not used one). Sounds like you know what to do but are too frazzled and emotional - having someone else with you to back you up might just be the extra help you need.

for you, sounds awful. You are definitely entitled to feel at the end of your rope!

Right. What I suggest you do right now, is pop the kettle on or if tea is not your thing grab a drink of water, take a seat and have a few calming breaths. This is not insurmountable. Bloody horrible? Yes. But not impossible to fix. Now lots of people will have lots of suggestions and I can only give you what we did which was use sleep consultant who was truly lovely and wrote a plan which worked for my little boy and then a few years later my little girl with a tweak here or there. I’m more than happy to send you details either of the plan we did or the name of the lady we used. But the most important thing is that you know it will be ok. Because it will. Have a good drink and take a minute and I bet this thread will fill up with loads of brilliantly experienced people to help.

Oh love. You are being far too hard on yourself. No failure in your part. At all. Some babies are tricky and you've done everything for him out of total love. But now time to recognise that you need a bit of self love too.
As you are so frazzled, I would definitely recommend a sleep consultant - someone to take the lead and write out a plan for you. To hold your hand when you need a bit of support or course correcting. Prolonged lack of sleep is so awful and has such an impact on your ability to think clearly.
Start your search today - google anyone in your local area and send out a few messages.
In the very short term, accept it for what it is - not something you're guilty:responsible for, just a situation that you're going to change.
Good luck.

Sorry to hear you're going through this OP. It all sounds rather chaotic.

Let's start with the professionals - what advice have you had from your GP and in particular, your health visitor?

Agree with previous posters re a sleep consultant - it definitely sounds as though you've lost your way and could do with some help

This was me 16 years ago. Nine month old who woke every 1-2 hours to feed all night, full time job and terrible insomnia (I couldn't sleep because of the anxiety of knowing he would be awake again in half an hour). It wrecked my mental health.

GP prescribed an extremely small dose of an old fashioned antidepressant that was considered OK with bf and had a soporific effect (was very effective for me after some side effects the first 3-4 days). I did sleep training as best I could.

The sleep training thing that worked best for me was to set a simple objective to start with: DS went down awake at 8pm and my aim was not to feed him until midnight. He woke at 10pm, cried for 1.5 hours with us going in every 5 minutes, then went back to sleep and ... slept until 5 am.

Amazingly, that was pretty much all it took (one night), although it was another year or two before we cracked the early waking.

I guess the moral is that it may not take that much to break the cycle of frequent waking - after I'd done it I couldn't believe that I'd waited so long. Also, my DS was a much happier baby once he started getting a proper amount of sleep at night!

Some babies just don’t fit the patterns. When I think back to pregnancy, my baby had no regular pattern of movements. She would move all day and night, but there was no routine or predictable element. She continued that ‘pattern’ into life!

I really feel for you. Our sleep has improved massively with sleep training (now 13mo) but it’s still awful compared to others. Controlled crying was not the magic wand I hoped for! I think some babies are just terrible at sleeping, whatever you do. I’m still reminding myself not to compare. And I’m still hoping that one day she will consistently have a long nap in the day. We go through periods of half hour naps still! And yes to the clingy behaviour too - exhausting. Have you read about high needs babies? At my lowest points this reassured me that I wasn’t doing something wrong, just have a baby wired a bit differently.

It is so difficult when you can’t plan your day consistently and just so so exhausting. Hopefully a sleep consultant can give you the structure you need to tackle this. Is there an opportunity over the next few days where you could get a couple of hours in bed if someone else has your DS?

Oh OP. Please remember that this will get better and this is not your life forever. A friend had a child like this and he now sleeps through.
I’ve had periods like this with my 2 youngest and we’ve got through or got to much better and more manageable stages.
I second the suggestions above that a sleep consultant would help.
Sleep deprivation is terrible and made me feel depressed, but I do think you should see you gp about your feelings of suicide.
X

Have you tried co-sleeping?
Please don’t blame yourself. 5 years ago I was exactly where you are. For the second time. Your baby will not be damaged by lack of sleep. Neither of mine slept and I was on my knees and suicidal with both. They’re now healthy, happy, well-rested.
My gp was sympathetic but useless and my health visitor wasn’t even sympathetic.
My advice - get some antidepressants for yourself to take the edge off the misery and stop listening to advice from people who’s babies slept. Some babies just don’t sleep and there’s very little that can be done. Get your partner to take the baby away for a night to give you a chance to recover.

Sorry to hear you are feeling so desperate. Babies can be bloody hard work and lack of sleep is horrendous - but it won’t last forever, you will sleep properly again. Sometime babies just have to figure it out: everyone’s are different but both of my babies were didn’t start sleeping in decent stretches until gone ten months. It will get easier, you sound like a very loving and caring mum, and you won’t be scarring your babies development by not getting him to sleep. Please don’t be hard on yourself and know that things will improve. Is there anyone you can talk to about your well-being - gp or health visitor maybe? Are you able to talk to your partner about how you are feeling?

My DD2 was a terrible sleeper at 9 months but started sleeping through at 11 months. She wasn't a great napper either, 2x45 minutes by that age either in car seat buggy or sling. I'm not sure whether anything changed but we did start playing music in her room on repeat all night. Or maybe she just stopped needing feeding at night time. Anyway I hope your DS improves soon. I would also see a GP for your MH like a PP suggested. Sleep deprivation is really hard.

The OP said that she's tried co sleeping and it didn't work.

I think there is another sleep regression around 8-9 months so that might be what's going on at the moment. I wonder if that's linked to the separation anxiety as well?

Is there anything you can do to maximise the sleep you get? I know you said he doesn't like being away from you but you need sleep.

Oh goodness. Sleep deprivation is absolute torture. Have you seen your GP? Or your health visitor?
Just wondering if your baby is getting enough calories. My baby’s sleep went even worse when weaning, health visitor suggested upping the calorie content at every meal with high fat foods. Adding full fat soft cheese, milky puddings. Might help? Good luck OP, keep asking for help if you need it be it in real life or on here.

I have been there. I fact, I am still there much of the time. My twins have always been shocking sleepers much as you describe and rarely awake at the same time so it felt constant.

They are 3 now but at 18 months they both had a skills regression and were subsequently diagnosed with ASD. Part of that for them is awful sleep patterns, being awake for hours in the night, taking hours to get to sleep.

I literally couldn’t rock them both to sleep at the same time so that age we got Baby Bjorn bouncers second hand which saved our sanity. During the day they’d go in them for naps, since you can lower them down almost flat (I was always in the same room). Then at night we’d take the bouncers upstairs, sit between them and bounce both until they fell properly asleep then transfer them.

White noise and sleeping bags helped but the main things we did were to ensure they had enough sensory stimulation - I read some stuff from Possums in Australia about this and how having sufficient sensory stimulation is as crucial as being full, warm etc when it comes to falling asleep. Here’s one of their articles in case it’s helpful since everyone had told me that too much stimulation stops them sleeping but I’ve found that what they’re saying here is much more true
possumsonline.com/blog/babys-sensory-hunger

Will your baby take a bottle? Could your partner take over at night if you have one?

Once they got to 12 months they were still drinking huge amounts of milk through the night and we started to water down overnight bottles until it was just water, on advice from their paediatrician. This did help.

There’s also a Facebook group called Therapeutic Parenting - many of the parents there have adopted or fostered children so they have lots of experience and knowledge of separation anxiety and I’m sure they could give good advice in this regard.

Oh and my twins dropped to 1 nap by this age and then stopped completely by 12 months. Then about 12-13 months they started having a 2-3 hour nap in the middle of the day which carried on consistently until they were gone 2, and happened inconsistently between 2 and 3. This was in their cots as well. So things can and do change. Things are still not great here mainly because of the ASD, but we can now put them down awake and they do (eventually) go to sleep.

Please see your GP and or health visitor and explain how you feel.

I totally get it - only now at age two plus are we managing to sleep for six hours without waking up. Be kind to yourself - I honestly think some children are just terrible sleepers - it's not down to bad parenting just child's personality. I think you need to decide are you going to go all out with sleep training and commit to a few weeks of hell to have the desired result or are you going to just roll with the bad sleep but take steps to make it more manageable e.g.) share the wake ups with a partner (wear earplugs to help you ignore if you know your their half is on duty) - at nine months after feeling ill i was so sleep deprived we got rid of the cot and got my little one a double bed - meant I could co- sleep or my husband could and then the other one of us would get some sleep.

Ok a strange idea for you. If you're truly suicidal you need to think out the box in the immediate future. Have you got a garage or shed? Buy a small heater, set yourself up a camp bed or the like and have an undisturbed night every other night. DH can go with a bottle. I suspect the only thing that baby really needs is comfort anyway.
My DC were great sleepers but I stopped bf at 3 months, filled them with porridge at bedtime and they never ever ever came into our bed. Also encouraged reliance on teddies and blankets for comfort. They're teens now with no bonding issues.
It sounds like you need professional help. If you're truly suicidal your needs are now priority. Good luck.

I feel your pain!
One of the most telling things you put was that your baby won't go to anyone else and has attachment issues. Does that mean you're the one doing all the night time stuff? I honestly think this could be a massive part of the problem.
You cannot do it all. It's not good for you and it's not good for baby. Just because he will only settle for you now doesn't mean that has to always be the case. Getting him used to others now whilst he's still very young will pay dividends when he's older, especially if you're going back to work. Have an honest talk with someone you trust, tell them the truth about who does what, eg DH does the nappies and bath time, I get up in the night. If baby cries, I pick him up.
Usually babies end up preferring one person over another because that's what theyve got used to.
One of my DDs was a bit of a nightmare baby, and I returned to work when she was 3 months old. DH and I had to take turns each night to get up with her, or else we both would have been suicidal! Then on the weekend, we took turns to have a lie in (I say lie in, I mean sleep til 8 am 🤣). I would go to bed once she'd had her bath and feed at 7 and DH would stay up to feed her at 11 or 12(he doesn't need as much sleep as me).
You have to be quite tough, and support each other too!

I just wanted to say you sound like a lovely mum. Can’t imagine how shattered you are. Sleep deprivation was the trigger for my PND in the early weeks, and I cannot imagine how you are functioning after this long.

If I’m being really honest, I think the feeding to sleep is the issue. He goes to sleep on the boob and then when he rouses in the night, he is somewhere else, so ends up fully waking and needing the breast to get back to sleep. This is not anything you have done wrong - it is the most natural thing in the world, and how babies have slept for thousands of years. The difference is, we would have bedshared, and a whole wider family would be involved in looking after a baby through the day - not one exhausted woman on her own all day!

You’ve said cosleeping didn’t work for you which I can understand, as I struggled with this too.

I think if you need him to sleep in his own cot, you need to break the feed to sleep association. Would you consider stopping bf? Or night weaning?

There is a good thread on here called ‘what worked for us’ - you can find it if you google. A mum was able to gradually move away from bf back to sleep all night using a pretty gentle technique.

Hope things start to improve for you soon.

I’m so sorry you feel like this. Please please don’t be hard on yourself. I have been there, I really have.

Please speak to your GP about self-harming and suicidal thoughts, I can’t imagine what that must feel like but I did get to the point where I was having panic attacks from it all, I do understand how being a new mum and sleep deprivation affects mental and physical health in many ways.

Please know that you are not alone. There is and end in sight, I promise, it’s just impossible to see as everything has a thick fog of sleep deprivation over it.

Do you have much family / friends support?
Try to use every opportunity to ask family / partner / friends to come and take baby out in the pushchair for a few hours so you can nap or just sit in peace with some tea and biscuits. I know it feels difficult to do this but rest away from baby can feel very refreshing.
My partner used to take DS at 6am on a Saturday morning, they’d go out and not return until lunch time...this was one of the times I slept deeply, had the longest shower and drank a hot coffee slowly...Those tiny things made a huge difference to me.

Sending a virtual hug your way and 💐

I agree with cptartapp. Your needs need to be met as soon as possible - first of all, you need to get a rest. Then you can try and solve your baby's sleep problems.
Do you have a partner, a friend or your mum who would be willing to take over for a couple of nights? Sleep somewhere you can't hear your baby crying and most of all, somewhere no one will be able to call you in the middle of the night to take over.
Just one night of decent sleep will change your perspective on things completely, I know because I've been there.
Get yourself to the GP and be as frank as you have been on here.
Then, call a sleep consultant. They really can help.

But first of all, be kind to yourself. Your baby will be fine for a night or two with a loving father or grandparent. A baby's attachment to its mother is very strong and cannot be permanently damaged by a couple of nights away from her.

Are you cosleeping?

Baby in, boob out, sleep.

It's gentle, doesn't mean they're in there forever, just that you're comforting them overnight

As a mum of a terrible sleeper I feel for you! It always feels like everyone else has their babies sleeping but it isn’t the case - it isn’t that you have done anything wrong, some babies are just shit sleepers!!! Took me a year to accept that fact! My first was a good sleeper and we did exactly the same with both. But I remember being at breaking point at around 9months with the second then things getting easier. I remember driving the car and fantasising about driving straight into a tree - sleep deprivation is truly a form of torture

Speak to the health visitor maybe, and just be aware that whatever you do try it’ll take a good week or so to see results so don’t give up too quickly. There isn’t a one solution unfortunately - every child is different, but you will get there! Xxx

You could fix this in 4 days if you really put your mind to it. As another poster says, up the calories. Offer milk after his meals not before. After final milk, offer only water until the morning. Then repeat. Good luck!

You poor thing. Sleep train now - use controlled crying (going in to comfort every 5 mins). Your world will be entirely different in 3-4 nights. Sending support thoughts!