Newborn screaming at night

[Lilkat]

I have a 4 week old lo and like most babies her days and nights seemed to be mixed up. But the past few nights she seems to be even more unsettled, she won't sleep in her cot at all. She stays awake and gets overtired and then just screams and screams. The only way I can settle her is to let her sleep on me, and then move her beside me.
She's forumla fed and takes a bottle around every 3-4hours. I don't really want to co-sleep, but she will literally stay awake all night if I try to get her to sleep in the cot at the moment. Am I doing something wrong? She hates being swaddled, and even the sleeping bag is hit or miss :(

@WorldEndingFire thank you for the encouragement - it all feels so overwhelming sometimes! And then I feel ungrateful because I really am so happy to be a mum, and I do love being a mum.

@bloodywhitecat I haven't done as much skin to skin, my husband tends to do more just because he's more likely to have his shirt off! We do lots of cuddles and daily walks in the carrier, or if she's really unsettled i put her in the carrier so I can still get stuff done. I'll try to do more skin to skin with her.

Last night she refused to sleep, got overtired - and the most annoying thing is other people saying "oh she's so alert isn't she, if she's happy being awake just leave her!". And I'm looking at her thinking she isn't happy, she just isn't screaming yet! Anyway, I stopped trying to get her to sleep in the pram and just let her sleep on me and then once she went over, put her on the bed beside me. She slept for four hours, woke up for a feed and went down in her pram after that!

I do find it hard to relax and go with the flow, but if it makes for a happier baby and sleep I just need to wise up!

You will be much happier for letting yourself take things at baby pace at least during this first chapter. Sadly newborns were invented long before our hectic schedules. Are you able to ask for a bit more help to help you focus on your recovery and the baby?

We also don't have a culture that supports new families through this stage as much as they need in the UK, and the burden disproportionately falls on women who are recovering from pregnancy and birth - it's as astonishing as it is unrealistic. If you look at other countries, there is usually an enforced period of rest when a baby is born lasting anything from 40 days to 100 - either family will do all the chores and attend to everything that isn't raising the infant, or, like in the Netherlands, there is a state system where a midwife support worker will fulfil this role checking on the mother and doing chores. In China it is referred to as "the sitting month", and in South America "la cuarantena" - there are many examples worldwide.

The most important thing to know is that this will pass. Do whatever you can to maximise your comfort and happiness during this time and don't be afraid of drawing upon friends and family for whatever support you need. That is being a super mum, not trying to do everything all on your own - we are social animals and we have only got as far as we have as a species by working together.

Hope today is gentle for you.

@WorldEndingFire thank you for the kind words. I could ask my mum or mil for help, but I don't want to. It's not that I want to look like superwoman - I go back to uni at the end of January, and I know from then until I graduate, life will be hectic and my time with my lo will be limited. I feel really jealous over this time, like I want her all to myself before I have to accept other people getting to look after her.

I know it's silly, and I am really grateful that I have family nearby to help, I wouldn't be able to graduate without them...it's just how I feel right now.

Thought I'd put in a wee update! Since all of your replies I've made a few changes to the bed time routine. We had tried placing her pram in the cot for a couple of nights and when it made no difference, we took it out again. But because she sleeps well in it during the day, I decided to put it back and be consistent with it.

I try to start her off sleeping in the pram, but if she's unsettled or seems really unhappy, I've stopped trying to make it happen. I just take her into bed with me and let us both get some sleep. Some nights she starts with co-sleeping and when she wakes for a feed she'll go down in her pram. Other nights it's the opposite way. And twice she's gone the whole night in her pram!

I know it's still very early days but I so appreciate everyone who replied and gave me advice. My lo seems much happier at night and has been going 4-5 hours sleeping, which makes me feel more human!

I have noticed she tends to grunt and squeal a lot more in the pram - as if she's sore with wind, but she doesn't do this when she co-sleeps. I wonder if its because she's more relaxed, or maybe in a deeper sleep? Would love to know if anyone else has experienced this!