Newborn screaming at night

[Lilkat]

I have a 4 week old lo and like most babies her days and nights seemed to be mixed up. But the past few nights she seems to be even more unsettled, she won't sleep in her cot at all. She stays awake and gets overtired and then just screams and screams. The only way I can settle her is to let her sleep on me, and then move her beside me.
She's forumla fed and takes a bottle around every 3-4hours. I don't really want to co-sleep, but she will literally stay awake all night if I try to get her to sleep in the cot at the moment. Am I doing something wrong? She hates being swaddled, and even the sleeping bag is hit or miss :(

She's only tiny. She wants to be on you. It's scary being a newborn and not being in direct contact with someone. You're doing nothing wrong. It's her survival instincts. We haven't evolved fast enough to keep up with societal expecations of sleeping in cots and she is on the look out for wolves and bears! I know it's hard and I know you don't want to co-sleep, but honestly, if that's what results in the most sleep for both of you then I would recommend it, for your sanity. Ignore all the 'rod for your own back' bullshit. Look up the guidelines on how to do it safely and get some kip.

Four weeks is tiny, and it’s natural, if exhausting, for her to want you to be near you.

My best advice would be to research safe co-sleeping and set yourself up so you and she both get the most sleep. It won’t be forever, and it’s rubbish you’ll be setting up ‘bad habits’ or whatever people might say. If anything you’ll be creating an amazing attachment for your secure baby 😊

And if you can't co-sleep safely due to medication etc then look at a sidecar cot at least, so she's on a different sleeping area but you can put a hand on her.

Ha crosspost smellmy! We give the same advice about ignoring the sleep-police!

My second slept on me for the first 12 weeks, then she suddenly went into her cot.
Google the 4th trimester - it won't fix things but will help you understand what an adjustment she's having to make.
Hope it all settles soon

Well you are her whole world so it makes sense that she needs to be near you. She is utterly dependent on you for her survival.
I used to think of it as a future investment, a lifetime of happy secure offspring for a few months of co sleeping.
Have you read about the Forth Trimester theory? That helps to make sense of it.
And lastly it sounds tough, and bloody exhausting. I hope you have some support.

Oh I can sympathise, like many I'm sure.. My son wanted to be held ALL the time... I remember changing the king size duvet cover while I held him on one arm He wouldn't settle in moses basket, cot... He slept next to me. It didn't last forever, you do what you have to do for sanity!

My daughter was the exact same! I'd give her a bottle before bedtime, then rock her until she was asleep (or so I thought) but as soon as I'd put her down in her Moses basket, she's all of a sudden wide awake and she'd then scream the house down 😂 the only way I could get even a few hours kip was to have her in bed with me. Some people frown on it, but as long as you and your baby are getting sleep, so be it. There are things you can read about safe sleep so you'd be doing it properly. It took until my girl was 8 weeks old to start sleeping all the way through in her own cot. But it's all worth it. And it was only when I had to put her on anti reflux milk, when she did finally sleep through the night and on her own. Maybe rule out anything like reflux, colic etc. Or maybe it is just because she's newborn, she wants to be close to you. X

Also theres a growth spurt around 4 weeks which can make them unsettled.

She's been in the safety of your womb for 9 months with you regulating everything from her temperature to the level of noise she's exposed to - look up the Fourth Trimester and have a read of these guidelines:

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/safer-sleep-advice/co-sleeping/

Thanks everyone, had a wee cry reading your responses! I kept telling myself that you do whatever you need to do to get through the first couple of months. But because she had slept in her cot, and my mum (who keeps reminding me she's a former midwife) keeps saying oh you're teaching her you jump every time she cries and I'm making bad habits - I just felt so stressed out!

I had wondered about silent reflux, she does tend to puke a bit, but she seems unbothered by it. She's a noisy baby when she sleeps and has been from day 1, and I do have a wedge under her mattress... But she seems fine during the day and eats happily enough so I'm not convinced.

I guess we'll keep working on making the cot familiar, but trying not to stress out if she ends up beside us. Next baby is getting one of those next 2 me cribs, but I can't afford another cot/crib at the moment!

Just keep saying to yourself 'It's just a phase'... And repeat!
It's your baby, if you want to hold or do whatever, just do it

I’m in a similar boat. Baby is nearly three weeks but has never slept on her own. We put her down, she screams and can’t be comforted. Reluctantly we are co-sleeping and my DP has moved into the spare room temporarily so me and DD have more space. I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s our only option and just have to believe that it is not forever.

Have you tried warming where ever she will sleep with a hot water bottle, wearing the sheet for a day so it smells of you. I used to hold mine on the Moses basket mattress when feeding him and transfer the whole lot into the Moses basket.
Does she prefer the Moses basket, cot, carrycot?
Does a fleece blanket as a sheet make difference? It did with mine
Mine liked the Moses basket once he got used to it until he couldn’t actually lie flat in it at 7 months and I couldn’t get home to sleep in anything else other than in bed with me and he’s still in bed with me at 2 and half. I do enjoy co sleeping but I won’t be co sleeping with number 2

Try different types of blankets and my hv suggested fleece baby grow with a cardigan if very cold

@gonewiththerain, yeah I've tried the hot water bottle, wearing a muslin and putting it in with her, putting the pram (she sleeps in it during the day) in the cot... No joy with any of it. Haven't tried the fleece blanket though, so I'll give that a go tonight!

I did try switching to the nuk stage 1 fast flow teats as she was falling asleep during bottles and the teats seemed to collapse a lot when she was feeding. She's been finishing her bottles today, I'm hoping if she has more during the day that might help too - although now I'm worried it's too fast and will give her wind - I feel like I'm constantly asking myself a hundred questions, second guessing myself!

Thank you so much for the replies and encouragement, it's making me feel less lonely and lost!

Your mum means well but a former midwife will be an expert in delivering babies but may not know all there is to know about everything thereafter. Plus I guess her training was a while back - before research into attachment theory and the 'fourth trimester'. My midwife was the one who taught me how to co-sleep safely and feed lying down. Lifesaver. They will all have different opinions and it's just that - opinions. Not gospel. A 4 week old baby is not manipulating you to jump at their every whim. They just function on pure instinct alone. My 6 year old co-slept for ages, never been left to cry, and is a total delight. Not spoilt, not manipulative. You do what you gotta do.

So what that your mum was a midwife - all babies are different. We co-sleep with our dd and it's been brilliant and I can't tell you how many people have told me it's wrong but I just laugh at their weird need to police our parenting. I love my dm dearly but she has very set ideas of how to parent but the first thing is that I'm parenting with my dh who is very different to my df so with all due respect what was right for her isn't always right for us. You have to get over worrying about what other people think and just try a variety until you find what's right for you. I'm lucky - I have a great mate who told me that the whole rod stuff is bs and that you can't love a baby too much and I just repeat that mantra A LOT!!! Good luck lovely mama

That’s a shame she’s not fooled by the hot water bottle.
Have you tried a dummy? Mine had one and gave it up voluntarily at 18 months.
I found the fleece blanket better than the sheepskin that cost £50 ish

My DD hated swaddling and would randomly decide as a newborn she needed to sleep over my heart or she would cry for ages. I therefore would wear her in a wrap with her on my left hand side.

At 8 weeks when she could see far enough she happily slept in her cot next to the bed for 7-8 hours. (First time she did it we were so exhausted we woke up after 6 hours in a panic. )

Then she started teething and was unwell so she crawled back to sleeping over my heart. There as if she feels well she slept in her cot. And she still follows that pattern now at 15 months.

In my 20s I knew mothers who came from different countries around the world. Most would sleep with their babies until they were 2-3 years old. After that they simply refused to, so some of their toddlers would crawl into bed with a sibling or a grandmother while others decided they could sleep on their own. The mothers were only firm with their sleep rules at that age and not before.

@SmellMySmellbow @welshMammaofaSlovak thank you for reminding me midwives aren't experts in raising babies, it really helped. I suppose I really want my mum to think I'm a good mum, she has very high standards and despite being a grown woman I think I'm always trying to meet them! But I can be a good mum without being her type of mum.

@gonewiththerain I tried a fleece blanket last night and we had a good night!! I'm trying to just enjoy it as a good night and not get my hopes up for other nights though. I think sometimes a bad night after a good night feels even worse, but if nothing else it confirmed that sleeping with me won't ruin the chances of her sleeping alone.

Will try to relax a bit and go with the flow more. Told myself before she arrived that everyone is just winging it, but seemed to forget it the second she got here!

I'm glad you got a good sleep last night 👍
I have literally hundreds of pictures of my dd sleeping on me during her first few months, I basically did everything with her in my arms or in a sling because she hated anything else most of the time!
She's now a very independent nearly 3 year old. She still likes lots of cuddles, especially at bed time, but did successfully sleep by herself, most of the time (when she's ill ir having a big developmental leap, she finds her way in to our bed!)
Have you heard of the Wonder Weeks? There's a book or an app and it explains the developmental leaps they have around every 4-6 weeks which make them fussy and clingy...

www.thewonderweeks.com/

@KellyHall thank you, that's encouraging! I had heard of the wonder weeks and then forgot all about it I'll have to have a proper look!

It's just constant trial and error isn't it? I'm due back at uni (mature student) so soon and that's stressing me out too. I'm just putting us both under too much pressure to be in a routine, and it's too early for that.

So glad you got some sleep. Be easy on yourself, your mind and body have been through and awful lot and you need time to heal while raising a tiny infant who is slowly getting used to the world outside the womb.

You are doing an absolutely fantastic job. I'm sure your mother was an excellent midwife but it does sound like research and understanding of newborns has moved on considerably if she's talking about routines already - a newborn simply doesn't haven't the ability to make a routine yet. You cannot spoil a newborn with too much attention and any talk of "making a rod for your own back" or suchlike is nonsense.

This is a time when your world is a little smaller for a while and that's okay, don't place too much of a burden on yourself - you are keeping a baby who is entirely dependent on you alive and thriving, the enormity of that achievement cannot be overstated!

Now give yourself a big treat xxx

Are you still doing plenty of skin-to-skin with her? I am a foster mum, I currently have a six week old baby living with me and he is never happier than when he is on my chest (not skin-to-skin for us), I frequently wear him in a sling too. I am 56, when my own kids were babies things were different and I was encouraged to put them down and let them self settle, now theories are different thankfully.