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Sleep

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Desperate mum - 15 month old won’t self settle

26 replies

Bodear · 22/11/2019 08:14

Hi all, my 15 month old has never been a good sleeper but it’s got worse and she won’t self settle at all. She’ll only go to sleep with me touching/ holding her. She wakes sometimes every hour and I need to get her self settle.
I don’t want to go down the cry it out route or co-sleeping.
What can I use as a distraction to get to sleep without screaming if I’m not touching her?

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Hepsibar · 22/11/2019 09:22

Oh dear, poor you. The darling little monster has you with emotional blackmail! Your only solution is prob the cry and leave but it is heartbreaking ... my little girl was the same and I did the same as you and it progressed to many story books, saying goodnight to all the cuddly toys and singing songs ... until she was about 4, now at uni I look back fondly and giggle at those times, but the exhaustion was hell.

For my second child, I took a tougher stance right from the start and consequently he settled and slept much better.

Good luck, sorry it's not much of a solution, but I am thinking of you. xx

Bodear · 22/11/2019 10:01

Currently she flings herself back in the cot if she gets too upset so I can’t leave the room. I’m hoping for something that will distract her enough until she falls asleep.
Lights projected on the ceiling used to work but I think she’s outgrown that now Sad

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Bodear · 22/11/2019 17:38

Bump

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mamatoizzywizzy · 22/11/2019 18:34

Eeek I don't have any advice other then to say I'm in the same boat with my 9mong old . I don't remember the last evening I had downstairs with my husband as I am always upstairs feeding to sleep - transferring to cot - waking screaming - feeding to sleep again and repeating until she stays asleep for the transfer. Even then chances are she will wake and scream an hour later !! I wonder where I have gone so wrong but I don't think I have - I think it's just different babies different needs!? Eugh they doesn't help but I hope it's nice to know you're not alone

Bodear · 22/11/2019 18:45

Thanks both for your replies. It is nice to know I’m not alone. Bloody hard work though.

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Harrysmummy246 · 23/11/2019 15:33

It is not emotional blackmail. What rubbish. A 15 month old isn't capable of that. And there is always another choice to leaving a child to cry. It may not give quick 'results' but there is always another way.

Bodear · 23/11/2019 15:52

@Harrysmummy246
I’m not going down the cry it out route but can you give me any tips as to what might work?

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Harrysmummy246 · 23/11/2019 17:45

Afraid I can't really as I am very much of the wait it out and he'll get there when he's ready persuasion. He wakes less than he did but sleeping through is still not a frequent thing. I bed share. Works for us. I'm too lazy to resettle and move back

CheeseSandwitch · 23/11/2019 17:52

I got one of these for my DS: rover.ebay.com/rover/0/0/0?mpre=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.ebay.co.uk%2Fulk%2Fitm%2F283540695306

He's only 10 months but falls asleep playing with this for a few minutes beforehand most nights and when he wakes up plays with it until I wake up listening to him play. It attaches to the cot rail and has been wonderful. I highly recommend something like this as it really has saved my sanity.

CheeseSandwitch · 23/11/2019 17:53

Also it says vintage but this toy was mine that I've passed down to DS, so I guess it is old! But still works great! Grin

Nettleskeins · 23/11/2019 18:06

co sleeping will make a difference. Which is why so many people do it...without telling anyone...most of my friends co slept at one point or another and ended up with kids in their bed up until the age of 6 or 7! It is perfectly normal. You can still start a child off in their own cot and have a early bedtime for them, and bring them with you at night time if they wake. I have three kids, and this worked well for me.

The only other solution is to teach child to self settle in the day, you start with the daytime naps..so when child is getting sleepy you start introducing some sleep cues which aren't to do with touch or movement. So could be a music box, or a darkened room or a special toy you keep for bedtime (ours was a knotty rag toy). Then try and get baby to have two hour naps, so if baby wakes, resettle by putting back in cot, and repeating sleep cues, in the afternoon. This in turn gives them the skills to self settle at night. Screaming at night is awful but a bit more bearable in the day if you want to practice cueing and self settling.

Other things to check are food consumption in day..could she actually be hungry...too much milk at this age is a common problem and not enough solid food, so then they might need more feeds at night to catch up.

Also check for earache, that can again be a reason why babies toddlers find it difficult when they are lying down, but seem fine otherwise. Overtiredness can be another reason for poor sleep patterns at night, so make sure she is getting enough sleep between 7 and 7..mine needed at least two hours if not more in the day.

Nettleskeins · 23/11/2019 18:08

There used to be a musical box which projected light onto ceiling from ELC or Fisher price, wind up and attached to cot..we didn't expect baby to turn it but he only heard that music at bedtime so it was a pavlovian response to start and feel very sleepy...

CFlemingSmith · 24/11/2019 19:09

Have you tired the gradual retreat method? This seems like a great alternative to cry it out

Bodear · 24/11/2019 21:43

That’s what I’m aiming for @CFlemingSmith but I need something to distract from the fact I’m not touching her before I can get even 2 feet from the cot Smile

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CFlemingSmith · 24/11/2019 21:48

I'm sure you've probably read etc so know, but the idea is you don't move onto the next 'stage' until she's ready. So even just you sitting on the floor holding their hand through the bars in the cot? Also maybe try a teddy sprayed with your perfume?

Bodear · 24/11/2019 22:00

I can’t sit there all night though (well I almost am but it’s breaking me). Sorry if I sound a bit clueless.

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CFlemingSmith · 24/11/2019 22:26

Ahhh it's such a tough one. How long has it been going on like this? As someone who avidly co-sleeps during times like this, I massively suggest that, but I appreciate that you've said you're probably not wanting to do that. Trying to rack my brains for anything other method as sleep deprivation is a killer!

Bodear · 24/11/2019 22:41

In 15 months we’ve had probably 6 weeks of consecutively good sleep but that was months ago now. We used lights on the ceiling etc to distract away from touch and it worked but she isn’t interested in that now so I feel she needs another distraction but I don’t know what.
Also, back then she couldn’t walk or really stand so it was easier but now she’ll stand in her cot and if she gets really upset I’m worried she’ll hurt herself on the bats.

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Bodear · 24/11/2019 22:42

Bars!!! There are no bats in her room!!

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Bodear · 24/11/2019 22:42

Thank you for your help; I really appreciate any suggestions.

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peachgreen · 24/11/2019 22:48

Honestly, when it comes to sleep I think your only two choices are always going to be co-sleeping until they're naturally ready to sleep alone (which they will be eventually!) or at least some crying. That doesn't mean leaving them to sob alone for hours but it can mean a few minutes of tears which can be incredibly tough. But really those are the two choices. You could try the no-cry sleep solution but imo the only way to guarantee absolutely no distress is co-sleeping.

Nettleskeins · 24/11/2019 23:40

Just co-sleep!! It isn't such a big deal. OR, sleep in a single bed with your toddler instead of a cot (with a rails, the kind that go up and down) then move into your room when she is fast asleep. At least she will then have a good association with her bed. You cannot share her cot, so it will be always odd when she wakes up there without you, which is why she keeps waking every hour. But a single bed with rails might help. You could try putting a cot in your bedroom too. So she is close but not in your bed itself.

Have you also tried a weighted blanket?

Nettleskeins · 24/11/2019 23:43

Okay, maybe at 15 months a single bed isn't such a good idea (unless it is a mattress on the floor and you are in it with her), but co sleeping really is the best solution of all.

BadgertheBodger · 24/11/2019 23:52

DS did this and it was a living bloody nightmare from 4 months to about 2 1/2 years old. Sorry. Not encouraging.

However...some things which helped:
He was actually very overtired and kept catnapping in the day to catch up on sleep. He literally used to wake at 5am and be fast asleep by 9am catching up. He’d maybe have 3 naps a day. I shuffled and prodded awake and tortured us both for 3 weeks to get him to nap at an appropriate time and once I’d cracked the nap his night time sleep slowly started to improve. I’m sorry to say I can’t remember where I read it but something to do with not getting into that very deep sleep cycle which makes you feel rested.

White noise, loud - so much louder than you think, 10 hours of it with no ads!

We ended up (very reluctantly) co-sleeping for the sake of my sanity.

youcancallmequeenE · 25/11/2019 00:09

Have you considered moving them to a bed? My dd was in a bed before she was 1 and my DS about 1.5.

I'm also not an advocate of cio at all, but ultimately something needs to be done in order for you all to get some sleep

For us, this meant putting the kids in a full size bed that we could also get some sleep in.

Hugs op. It's tough. It does pass tho. Do whatever you need to do to ensure you get some sleep.