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Sleep

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Original poster

Childminder/relatives let baby sleep all day

34 replies

Blindspot82 · 25/09/2019 19:39

So frustrated! Have just gone back to work after 10 months off with baby. Worked really hard to get him into a good sleep routine - a little morning nap for 30 mins and a lunchtime snooze at 12.30 - 2pm. He was doing so well! Bed at 7pm and slept through until 6am! Cue childminder and well-meaning relatives (husband's parents) who have him on Wed and Thurs each week respectively. They just let him sleep pretty much all day, as much as he wants, when he wants. Sometimes up to three hours at lunchtime. As a result, he's not tired come bedtime and I now have to battle with him to get him down. Feel really pissed off and upset. Have told childminder and relatives what his normal routine is, they just won't bloody stick to it! I get that it's easier for them if he sleeps in the day but don't think that's very fair of them when I've put a lot of groundwork in. Suppose I should have posted on the AIBU board but would it be out of order to speak to them about it and kindly ask that they stop letting him sleep all fucking day lol

OP posts:

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LisaSimpsonsbff · 25/09/2019 19:42

I can't work out from your OP whether you've even spoken to them about it at all? I told our childminder what DS's normal routine is, but just as information - I didn't expect her to make him stick to it. If you want them to wake him up then you have to explicitly tell them that!

7yo7yo · 25/09/2019 19:43

Childminder should follow your rules however I think the general consensus is that for cheap or free childcare you suck it up.
I agree though.
It’s not fair on the child never mind the parents to disrupt the routine.
I would tell in laws your going to put him in with the childminder the extra day as it’s disrupting his sleep and tell the childminder your not happy so need to know the notice period. However you will have to follow through.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 25/09/2019 19:44

I would tell in laws your going to put him in with the childminder the extra day as it’s disrupting his sleep and tell the childminder your not happy so need to know the notice period. However you will have to follow through.

I think this is an astounding overreaction

MeadowHay · 25/09/2019 19:46

With your in laws I think YABU. They are doing a huge favour. It is hard looking after a baby and they are doing it for free. I don't think you can expect them to wake him from a sleep.

With childminder it's a bit different as they're paid childcare. But maybe they can't get him to sleep in exactly the same routine as you have? Speak to them about it and see what they say.

Rainycloudyday · 25/09/2019 19:46

Agree with PP-tell your parents they can choose between you putting baby in paid for childcare or sticking to his routine as the current arrangement isn’t working. Speak to childminder and say that you need the baby’s routine to be stuck to and ask can they do that? If no, give notice and find a nursery that will work with your routine. Ours does this no problem and I would be as unhappy as you about this. Some babies need and thrive off routine and I would be pissed off of a carer didn’t see that as part of their job.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 25/09/2019 19:51

Agree with PP-tell your parents they can choose between you putting baby in paid for childcare or sticking to his routine

What an extraordinary way to suggest someone talk to someone doing them a very large favour

Sunflower160 · 25/09/2019 20:02

With regards to PPs I think it would be a huge overreaction to threaten the in laws that you’re putting him in childcare. Just speak to them both about it and explain the issues it’s causing for you at bedtime and ask them again to stick to the routine you’ve already told them about. Just by saying ‘could you wake him up from his naps please as he’s been difficult to get off to sleep at night because I think he’s napping too much in the day’ should do. No need for a fall out.

Fink · 25/09/2019 20:03

Well of course you should speak to them about it, how else are they supposed to know?! It's not laziness, just a difference in parenting/ childcare styles. I would never think of waking a sleeping baby before they were ready, but if I knew the parents wanted me to then I would suck it up and do that. There's no way other people are going to have magically realised that you want them to adhere to your particular schedule unless you've told them, they're not mind readers. Just because you've said 'this is his normal routine' doesn't mean (and I certainly wouldn't interpret it to mean) '... and I expect you also to stick to it.'

Rainycloudyday · 25/09/2019 21:07

I obviously don’t mean do it in a nasty way, but a favour isn’t a favour if it’s causing you problems so if the grandparents aren’t happy to do things your way then it’s far better to amicably call an end to the arrangement. The OP isn’t beholden to sticking to the arrangement if it’s causing her baby to be unsettled and sleep badly, just because they’re ‘doing her a massive favour’. In my book refusing to stick to the baby’s routine and messing up their nights is no favour at all. If it were me I would far rather pay for professional childcare with no ill feeling at all.

7yo7yo · 25/09/2019 22:55

I am assuming of course you have spoken to them about it in a sensible and rational way and they are ignoring your wishes.

RaininSummer · 25/09/2019 22:58

It must be annoying but I expect the grandparents would be pleased if OP removed baby and used childcare instead. I don't think I would wake a sleeping baby either if I were looking after it.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 25/09/2019 23:02

Do they actually know the trouble it’s causing you?

If my mum thought bed time was causing dc and I distress because of a messed up nap routine, she’d bear that in mind regardless of how cute they looked when they were sleeping.

I’m pretty fast and loose with naps, but even I know that letting them sleep after 2:30pm is a recipe for disaster.

As for the childminder, I’d be shocked if an experienced CM thought it was fine to let a 10 month old sleep all day instead of socialising with the other mindees and playing.

peachgreen · 25/09/2019 23:05

Not all babies need to be in such a rigid routine though. My DD sometimes naps until 4pm - over 3.5 hours - and still sleeps fine at night, going to sleep at 6.30pm. I'd never wake her from a nap, she'd be a horror. So maybe they honestly don't realise it's causing you any problems?

dot91 · 25/09/2019 23:08

I'm a childminder and good practice is actually to allow a child to sleep as long as they want to . But in reality we use common sense and try not to allow a child to sleep too long and won't sleep at night .

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 25/09/2019 23:22

No harm in having a conversation with both childminder and grandparents.

But. I think:

Your baby struggling to settle at bedtime may also be to do with him adapting to your return to work, so other caregivers sticking to the sleep schedule may not solve your problem, and
Your baby’s sleep needs may actually be different whilst not with you. Mine is nearly a year older than yours, but whilst she has a really settled one-nap routine with the childminder she favours two naps with me - the first one easily two hours before the childminder puts her down. I think some babies sort of sleep a lot while waiting for their mums.

I hope neither of those thoughts seems to imply it’s wrong to leave your baby and go back to work! Clearly I have done it (twice) - sometimes it’s best and other times it’s necessary. Nonetheless it’s a huge adjustment for a baby and I wouldn’t discount this.

madcatladyforever · 26/09/2019 06:43

The childminder needs talking to. I knew a childminder who would run the children around all morning then put them down after lunch and let them sleep for about 5 hours in the afternoon so she could have most of the day to herself
IT was disgusting. I don't think any of her charges slept at night and they certainly weren't getting any stimulation.

ShutupWesley · 26/09/2019 07:16

Put him in nursery then 🤷🏻

Newmumma83 · 26/09/2019 07:23

Explain to grandparents the knock on effect of too long naps .... if it is a case they are struggling with hold care then see if you can put with child minder after discussing from a caring and thankful angle

Childminder needs to be advised of knock on effect but expect to see results and start looking at other options if they don’t sort it out a bit x

SnuggyBuggy · 26/09/2019 07:27

Have you actually explained to them how the long naps are effecting his sleep?

clarinstunic · 26/09/2019 07:30

Find another childminder. Ask them I. Interview what they plan to do with baby all day. Find someone you can trust. Have a probationary week or two.

Don’t use your ILs!

LeekMunchingSheepShagger · 26/09/2019 07:35

A childminder will never be able to follow your routine to the letter (unless yours is the only child there!) so I think you are being unreasonable there.

The grandparents is a tricky one. I expect they're glad of the break and don't want to interrupt it!

Loopytiles · 26/09/2019 07:41

So the ILs do two days free childcare a week? That’s a lot. Your H can outline both your wishes and the impact on you if DC sleeps too much in the day.

Some flexibility is needed with the CM as she will have daily routines, other mindees etc, but if she won’t compromise or you have concerns you can switch CMs.

SpaceDinosaur · 26/09/2019 07:43

"A childminder will never be able to follow your routine to the letter"
Yes. This is true. But they CAN follow the request that your child sleep for no longer than 90 min (or whatever your request)
And that he doesn't sleep after 4pm (or whatever)

Have you sat down and explained the importance of the routine is to you as a family? How their allowing him to sleep in the day impacts on his ability to sleep at night leading to an overtired next day?

If they don't want to change and it's that important to you then look at alternatives.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/09/2019 07:43

*affecting

Yoohoo16 · 26/09/2019 07:43

Dm has had dd since she was 3 months old (I returned to work). I just leave her to get on with it. Annoying as it is for you that dc won’t sleep come bed time, it’s free childcare.
My mum saves us a fortune.

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