I'm sleep training (cry it out) my 9 month old and my husband is on holiday I call for support and he calls me a drama queen

[RAP0206]

I'm on my 4th day of sleep training my little girl and I call my husband who is on holiday with my cousins (boys trip to watch F1), he finally calls me back and I'm so upset and asking why in 3 days he hasn't checked in, messaged more or video chatted to us (whilst I have a screaming baby upstairs), I tell him I'm going through hell here at the moment and he says he cant talk because hes In The car with them excuse my language but WTF I'm sleep training a baby and am hurt and upset that he hasn't called, messaged or showed support by even checking in.
My husband argues that a few messages in the day and 1 phone call at 1am (bear in mind dude we are sleep training and 48seconds is not long for a phone call) is fine (photos of the race, mesaages talking about his school not asking how we are or what is involved in the training at all)

I literally broke down into tears, am I being unreasonable for asking for a bit more support when my little one has been screaming for 1 hour and I have been doing this for 4 days??? Help me out here please

Yanbu to sleep train a 9mo.

I think that the timing is crap though. I'd personally wait until it was cooler. 9m is a common time for teething so even sleeping babies may regress.

Yabu to expect your h to offer phone support if he's on holiday. You presumably agreed to him going away and what can he do from so far away?

Babies do learn to ' self soothe' without training you know. It may take longer but it does happen. Babies don't need to be taught or trained they just need to be responded to. Sleep training is just a nice way of saying 'ignoring baby because I can't be bothered to be there for them'.

If you are going to do the sleep training while he is on holiday, then I don’t think it’s fair to moan at him about the baby. Just let him enjoy his holiday in peace. If this was reversed and you were on a holiday, you wouldn’t want him phoning you being a drama king. What can he actually do from the holiday?

Sleep training is neglect. Ignorant but neglect all the same. Babies shouldn’t have to be forced into sleeping.

100% agree with this. Sounds like you need to give your baby at break from the sleep training. I don't understand the obsession people have with trying to "train" a baby to sleep. Sorry OP but your DH may be right in bringing her into the bed when she doesn't settle. That way everyone gets to sleep. Just make sure you follow the safe sleep guidance. I sympathise as around this time my 1 year old would wake up and insist on coming into the bed. It doesn't last forever.

Genuine question: to those who won't sleep train but have spent two years with a child who is waking up every hour or two hours - do you think you're able to parent safely and to the best of your ability on so little sleep? Do you drive with your child in the car? Do you feel like you're in a good mood with your child during the day? And do you think your child is getting enough sleep and rest for them to develop and be happy during the day?

It seems totally unsustainable to me - I would not be a good parent on so little sleep and there is no way I would feel safe driving with my little girl in the car. She's only five months and is an amazing sleeper so far but if that changes in the future, I think I would much rather a few unpleasant bedtimes than being that sleep deprived. Surely it can't be safe?

Your poor baby. I have a 15 month old who doesn't sleep through the night and I would never, ever, ever consider any form of night time neglect under the guise of 'sleep training' or 'controlled crying'. Absolutely disgusting.

@passthecherrycoke how is it not damaging to be left to cry for long periods in a regular basis at such a young age? It might not do long term damage however that's up for debate, the amount of cortisol produced during such stress can potentially have a negative affect on the developing brain. But, scientific claptrap aside, it's impossible to know when a baby cries if they are crying because they don't want to go to sleep, or because they don't want to be alone, or if they're scared or feeling ill. The cry it out method might work, but the baby only stops crying not because they have learned to self settle or some other revelation, they've simply learned that when they cry, no one comes.

You don’t know any of that though @bobstersmum - you’re putting mature emotions on a 9mo baby. I’m not saying crying isn’t communication- but the adult needs to put the communication into context

I deeply regret some of the things I did to keep my 1st “happy” - picked her up whenever she cried, shoved her in the breast, nearly killed myself with tiredness. At 5 she is still very dependant on me and DH, stilll can’t get herself to sleep, still can’t sleep alone and I regret not giving her those important lessons whilst she was young enough for them to not be traumatic. Whereas now she can talk, articulate and experience mature feelings etc and it’s very distressing for her

I deeply regret some of the things I did to keep my 1st “happy” - picked her up whenever she cried, shoved her in the breast, nearly killed myself with tiredness. At 5 she is still very dependant on me and DH, stilll can’t get herself to sleep, still can’t sleep alone

Passthecherrycoke I don't think that is a result of caring for your child when she was young. It is just her personality.

I treated both my DCs the same way. My first was an appalling sleeper, but I never left him to cry for ages. My second was a good sleeper, but again I would never leave her crying for an hour. Both of mine turned into confident toddlers and children, and are now happy, well adjusted teens. I am not saying that this is because I didn't leave them to cry, but equally I am saying that your DD being dependent on you isn't because you didn't leave her to cry either.

I don’t think that her personality is down to to too much attention when she was younger (although it was inexperience- babies don’t need to be fed every time they wimper) but that is the reason she can’t settle herself to sleep. She’s very confident and social in every other aspect of her life

At 5 dc2 still ended up in bed with me most nights. At 6 he gave this up entirely, well the odd bad dream excepting. It is likely to improve with your dd.

Yes but it’s shit isn’t it? 6 years of them trashing in bed with you is the fucking pits. Knowing they’ll stop at some point doesn’t help much!

Celebelly my non sleeper is 8 now, he started sleeping at 2.5, and yes he was always ahead on milestones aside from sleeping and being a fussy eater (fussy isn't quite right as he has issues with textures of food - mild sensory issues).
In my 8 year olds case the sleeping and eating issues were linked - he needed parenting not ignoring.

At 9 months old you don't know why they're not sleeping. You have to parent babies 24/7, not clock out at 8pm and back on at 7am next morning!

Passthecherrycoke I picked all my babies up whenever they cried - I've never, ever left a baby to cry including when I was a childminder for 3 under 2 year olds (one being my dc1).

All my kids are very independent indeed, especially by UK standards - I've brought them up in Germany. They were taking themselves to school - walking to the bus stop and catching a bus with classmates - at 6 without an adult (not quite 6 in dc1's case due to when her birthday falls), as is normal in rural southern Germany.

Nothing to do with not leaving them to cry as babies.

Although of course meeting children's needs builds secure attachment so babies who have their needs met naturally grow up into more emotionally resilient children who feel secure in themselves as they go out into the world...

I think you are being a bit unreasonable yes. He’s gone away with his friends for the weekend, he can’t do anything at all to help you right now.
Do you not have anyone else you could have called for a moan?
My DP is also in Austria at the moment for the F1 we have a 5 month old, she’s been particularly unsettled this weekend due to the heat I’m exhausted but wouldn’t dream of ringing him to complain the same as if I was away I wouldn’t expect a phone call from him either.
The sleep training is not what the threads about but I do agree with others it’s not ideal to do alone, to leave the baby for an hour regardless of you going in every ten mins baby is very obviously distressed and it seems a bit daft to want to sleep train (everyone knows sleep training isn’t going to be nice) then complain about it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes my daughters attachment is too bloody secure, when it comes to nighttime . That’s the problem. Anyway, just putting forward my POV

crustycrab that's what I thought after reading the OP, but her 09:17 comment says he prides himself on ignoring his baby "better" than her but doesn't like his sleep disturbed. So I revised my opinion if him as the compassionate one as it appears from the update he's the opposite, combining a pride in brutal parenting methods with the selfish prioritisation of his need for sleep over his wife's.

The Ferber method that the OP's husband wanted to use is the one where you initially leave the baby for 3 minutes, then 5, then 7 or whatever - increasing intervals. It's not the most extreme "shut the door at 8pm and don't go back in no matter how long they cry" type shit but it's going in at externally determined and increasingly long set intervals if the baby is still crying by then, not responsive going in and Shah patting or pick up put downing when/ if a whinge becomes full on crying.

A gently whinging baby will often just be tired and fall asleep but a baby who is properly crying needs to be picked up, otherwise they'll only fall asleep out of exhaustion.

Genuine question: to those who won't sleep train but have spent two years with a child who is waking up every hour or two hours - do you think you're able to parent safely and to the best of your ability on so little sleep? Do you drive with your child in the car? Do you feel like you're in a good mood with your child during the day? And do you think your child is getting enough sleep and rest for them to develop and be happy during the day?

It seems totally unsustainable to me - I would not be a good parent on so little sleep and there is no way I would feel safe driving with my little girl in the car. She's only five months and is an amazing sleeper so far but if that changes in the future, I think I would much rather a few unpleasant bedtimes than being that sleep deprived. Surely it can't be safe?

Yes, I think I was a good enough parent to DC1 who was up every hour, every night til 2 years. And yes I think he was well adjusted and demonstrably developed normally/well, and it suited him perfectly to stir for a snack that often! I night weaned him soon after he turned two and by 2.5 he was mostly sleeping through and has done ever since, occasional wet beds and nightmares notwithstanding. I’m really glad I could keep feeding him through the night as long as I did, I think it was good for him.

And yes again, I think I’m a good enough parent to both children now that I’m up frequently in the night with DC2 (16mths, has gone through phases of sleeping better and worse but mostly worse). Tbh I’m not sure I’m good enough at my job atm, and for mainly that reason I’m now gently starting night weaning her (it may turn out that I’m still not good enough at my job atm because two kids plus demanding job is hard, whether or not I’m badly sleep deprived... cross that bridge when I come to it!). She’s an absurdly cheerful child, also hitting milestones well and quite obviously really enjoys waking up for a quick feed or cuddle several times a night. I wish I could keep feeding her on demand but I don’t think i can - glad she’s had this long though.

I don’t drive, but feel perfectly safe carrying them up and downstairs in the buggy etc.