I'm sleep training (cry it out) my 9 month old and my husband is on holiday I call for support and he calls me a drama queen

[RAP0206]

I'm on my 4th day of sleep training my little girl and I call my husband who is on holiday with my cousins (boys trip to watch F1), he finally calls me back and I'm so upset and asking why in 3 days he hasn't checked in, messaged more or video chatted to us (whilst I have a screaming baby upstairs), I tell him I'm going through hell here at the moment and he says he cant talk because hes In The car with them excuse my language but WTF I'm sleep training a baby and am hurt and upset that he hasn't called, messaged or showed support by even checking in.
My husband argues that a few messages in the day and 1 phone call at 1am (bear in mind dude we are sleep training and 48seconds is not long for a phone call) is fine (photos of the race, mesaages talking about his school not asking how we are or what is involved in the training at all)

I literally broke down into tears, am I being unreasonable for asking for a bit more support when my little one has been screaming for 1 hour and I have been doing this for 4 days??? Help me out here please

One of mine woke every 45 minutes until he was 2.5 (the other two were pretty good sleepers but one of them still woke a couple of times a night at 9 months, the other slept through from 8 months).

I know what sleep deprivation is and it's the hardest thing most parents of young children have to deal with, however it is part of parenting. You can't just switch kids off for 10 hours or expect not to have to parent babies during the night.

Methods like gradual retreat are kinder, and The No Cry Sleep Solution is a sensible book if you do choose to sleep train, but the truth is the majority of babies under 12 months don't sleep through the night.

Sleep training is neglect. Ignorant but neglect all the same. Babies shouldn’t have to be forced into sleeping.

So he doesn’t support sleep training and you’re getting pissy at him whilst he’s on holiday for not supporting you in something you already knew he didn’t approve of...?

Why did you wait until he was away to do it, unless you knew he didn’t want to leave
Your poor child to scream?

Stop torturing your baby to get a rise out of your husband, and grow up.

There’s the 9 month sleep regression - I would give up for now.

Especially in this heat - my older dcs (9&7) take ages to fall asleep and they can tell me why (too hot, too light, too stuff etc).

I do understand though. It’s fucking hard having a baby who won’t sleep and you feel like you deserve decent sleep.

But there are ways to deal with it. One of those is accepting that your baby isn’t doing this on purpose, they just can’t sleep but can’t tell you why.

What exactly do you want him to do? Spend his entire break sitting on the phone talking to you?

He can't do anything about it, you chose to let your baby cry for hours on end every night and he doesn't agree with that.

She's too young for that type of sleep training.

I'm only just doing 'CIO' now with my 1 year old but it's less cry it out and more 'whinge it out'. If she is whinging for more than 15 mins or actually starts properly crying we go to her.

A 9 month old crying for an hour isn't learning how to self settle it's only learning that they will have to exhaust themselves to sleep crying.

I understand the desperation, until recently I hadn't had more than 3 hours sleep at once in over a year, but some babies are just like that and you have to just grin and bear it until they are ready.

Just stop sleep training, it doesn't sound pleasant for either of you. Co sleep instead, or settle the baby each time in a soothing way. I co-slept/fed to sleep and then eventually the children were happy with a story to go to sleep.

Neither of mine slept through the night for a solid 10 hours until 3 years old, #2 woke hourly until 16 months and never fell asleep on her own until 2.

It was torture at times and we struggled to function but that's what we signed up for, we had some success with gradual retreat and a form of no cry.

You can't "train" a person to sleep when you want them too, i get a thumping headache after a good cry. There's no way I could just nod off peacefully afterwards!

No my husband want to do the feber cry out method, infact he prides himself (vocally) that he will be better at it than me bit when it comes to crunch time he says hes too tired and brings her into bed. We both agreed to it

Well maybe you need to rethink. She's too little and it's not working.

It won't last forever

Oh well if he's on board with leaving his baby to scream for hours but wants you to do it for him while he is away on a jolly so it doesn't disturb his sleep he's a complete tosser, and yes he should be supporting you by phone, as he's left you to do a shitty thing he cba to do.

Silly little man

Cry it out is really shitty though. Seriously look into The No Cry Sleep Solution if you're determined to sleep train a 9 month old.

A lot of that book assumes 2 parents involved - read it, insist he reads it and do it when he gets back.

He can't choose a brutal method then sod off on holiday and expect you to carry it out.

Imagine priding yourself that you will be better at ignoring the needs of your baby than your partner.

Another OP said she decided herself to do it while he's away. He clearly doesn't agree wholeheartedly as he can't leave the baby to cry.

OP has the option not to do this at all

Is it really warm where you are? I’ve been very uncomfortable at night given the recent heat your baby will just get hotter with being so distressed.

Poor baby.

The thing that strikes me is that it probably wasnt a sensible time to be sleep training when your DH is going to be away so you'll be without support. You've gone ahead knowing this and have slightly set yourself up to fail? It sounds you're being quite emotional and trying to draw him in to a dynamic when he just wants to enjoy his time away. Do you not feel that he supports you usually or could it because he tells you he could do it better?

The only person who gets my sympathy is the poor baby , I wouldn’t leave a dog to cry itself to sleep so how anyone can do it to their own baby is beyond me .

I did it whilst he was on holiday because we both wont to do it but he doesn't l stick to it as he says hes too tired and sends me in or brings her into bed and I only notice when I wake up or her pulling my hair

Your baby needs more support than you do now.. she is crying because she needs you close. What is wrong with people honestly

Maybe wait til he comes back to start if you can't cope? I did the 'no cry' sleep training method where you don't let the baby cry, go in when they do cry and shhh them and cuddle them but don't talk or let them leave the room. Maybe try that? I feel like with cry it out you may need to read up a bit more as on day 3 you should only let your child cry for 15 minutes at a time and not a hour?

Exactly the same here Op. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong- babies do need to learn to self settle and there is no evidence that sleep training is damaging (although people will quite airy fairy bollocks at you about Romanian orphans and health visitors who write books )

However you need to bear in mind like any getting them to sleep theory it doesn’t always work. Also you need to consider that when your husband returns he’ll be bringing your baby back into bed (because they’ll continue to wake up for all sorts of reasons- teeth, growth spurt, temperature, bad day, etc)

I’m sorry it is not ‘airy fairy’ to disagree with this kind of ‘training’ imagine crying yourself to sleep every night, hurting your throat and getting a lovely headache! It’s just awful and you don’t deserve sympathy for doing it.

You can show me all these wonderful ideas about sleep training but I will never agree that it's OK to let a baby cry itself to sleep.

You can disagree with it, if course you can. That doesn’t mean it’s damaging.

Does she cry more when you go in? Sometimes visiting can make things worse - by night four you should have seen a good bit of progress so it doesn't sound like it's working overly well.

The Lucy Wolfe stay and support method is a lot gentler and might be worth a look if you're not getting anywhere. There will be crying but you're with them and soothing them the whole time.

I don't think controlled crying is bad - it usually takes three or four nights and that's it and I think three nights of some crying is far preferable for both parent and child to the months and months of hourly waking and sleep deprivation, which must be horrendous for both and not really sustainable. And three nights of crying v months of being loved and cared for will make no difference. But it's not a magic bullet so it might need some amending or tweaking if you're not making any progress.