So fucking unfair

[TheLovleyChebbyMcGee]

I don't know how else to express it, and I know I sound like an 8 year old, but it's so bloody unfair.

5.5 month old DS just doesn't sleep well. It's 3.40 am and I've only managed to get him sleeping on his own I.e. not in my arms for 95 min, then bursts of 20-25 minutes before he wakes up. He'll happily sleep held in my arms. We've tried ranitidine, gaviscon, chiropractor, co-sleeping, sleeping on an incline, a sleepyhead, a co-sleeper cot, white noise, a my hummy, a fucking Amber ankle, we've spent a fortune on it. We thought he'd cone through the 4 month sleep regression, but his sleep had never really improved. And this is an improvement since birth, at first he'd only ever sleep in our arms or in the sling.

I'm in a WhatsApp chat with mum friends and today they are complaining about other people who go on about how their baby sleeps 8pm till 8am, while their own babies only sleep for 4 hours at a time.

They don't even get the irony that they are doing exactly the same thing to me, I'd kill for 4 hours in a row right now. Even the mum that's in the middle of 4 month sleep regression that only gets 2 hours at a time, I'd take that in a heartbeat.

I know I'm ranting, but it's just so bloody unfair. I feel like I can't talk to anyone in real life honestly as they just smile and nod and make sympathetic noises about how hard it is while not actually having a fucking clue.

I definitely don’t have it as bad as you but as per usual I have been awake for two hours holding a sleeping 5 month old and periodically unsuccessfully trying to get him down in his cot. It’s shit, it’s lonely, it’s draining and no sleep makes the days feel ten times worse than they are.

It is unfair.

I have one of those 8-8 friends (who is clearly of the opinion that her amazing parenting has caused their good sleep) and it makes me feel completely crap.

The only thing that helps me is reminding myself that we all have struggles and there will be other stages that are more difficult for them. This particular friend had a nightmare with breastfeeding which was really hard for her and our babies were born on the same day but typically mine has hit milestones first which I think bothers her a bit.

I’m really, really sorry you’re not getting sleep.

It is so so shit op.

DD was born October and didn't sleep till Christmas. If I got an hour in twenty four it was a good day. I thought I was going to die. I can barely remember those days. Cried all the time, couldn't eat. I didn't even make it to bed till she was twelve weeks old.

Everyone else was moaning about night wakes, my baby was asleep less than theirs were awake.

In the end osteopath and dummy worked for her. Although dummy took a while to get the hang of. Happy to listen, as will others be if you want to rant. It is unfair.

Thanks for your replies, he's awake again after 80 minutes of really restless sleep. I couldn't sleep because I'm just in floods of tears and have given myself a stress headache.

He's a lovely child when he's awake, really happy and his laugh is just amazing, but is so restless at night. My DH is great with him and will be getting up soon to take over. DS is BF so I do the late night waking and feeding.i haven't woken him sooner as I'm too worked up to sleep. DH sleeps in the spare room so at least one of us gets some sleep.

I'm just so angry at these other women tonight that think they have it hard and I know how illogical that is. DS is hitting all his milestones and doing well although the competitive parenting has started. This doesn't really bother me too much as I don't believe the babies are doing half of what is reported.

And that also makes me sound like a dick. I'm honestly not, just frustrated and feel so alone.

My DH also goes in the spare room so one of us isn’t tired but when we are having a bad patch, I make him come in the bedroom with me. It’s not logical but I can’t mentally manage alone and I end up worked up in the same way you describe.

The baby was a bottle refuser but the nights were completely breaking me so last weekend we cut him off the breast and he started drinking from bottles easily enough. Now I just breastfeed for the first and last feeds of the day and DH will start taking him on a Friday night so I get one night of sleep a week. It felt incredibly selfish to reduce breastfeeding for the sleep but I feel now it was the right thing for our family and I can be a better parent (ie not crying all the time).

Is there anything you can do to get just the one good night? It wouldn’t fix everything but you may feel just a little better for a day or two?

Also maybe you could say something in a light, jokey tone on the WhatsApp group if you think it would give them pause/make you feel better? In this baby phase people are so wrapped up in their own experience (me definitely included) they just don’t think about what’s happening with others.

Have you tried sleep training?

I know it's hard.. my DS was at his worse between 5 and 6 months and then it improved for a short while and he did have a few nights when he slept all night too. He was doing every half hour wake ups! Now he's 8 months and entered the 8-10 month sleep regression and started waking every half hour again last night.. just power through, you've got this!

I might get shot down here but I'd suggest sleep training via Ferber method. I was in the exact same boat with a baby that never slept since birth despite following the same, relaxing bedtime routine every eve, following the recommended wake times, trying gentle ST methods - nothing worked. Its difficult to describe how horrendous being severely sleep deprived makes you feel.
We had a random improvement a few weeks back but then we resumed wake ups every 30mins which basically was my tipping point. Not sure about you, but when i would read about babies that continue to not in 8, 10, 12 months it would be the most depressing thing.
Babys NEED to sleep well, so don't feel guilty for considering ST- it works and means your baby and you will be well rested.
Just a suggestion.

for you OP. I have a friend who went through this. At her worst she was fantasising about throwing the baby out the window. Slowly things have got better - baby sleeps a bit longer and mum has accustomed to getting pretty much no sleep.

Chebby I'm sorry . I saw the thread and really hoped it wasnt you.
It's all shit. You aren't alone.

I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time. I really relate to the IT'S NOT FAIR feeling - you know it's illogical and unreasonable, but it's hard to shake. When DS was sleeping really awfully I remember meeting with a group of mums from antenatal and one of them was boasting about hers sleeping 7-7 and I felt so much rage, and then she offered to pay for my coffee (in a 'oh, it's easier if I just pop it all on my card, you can get it next time' way) and I said thank you but in my head I was like 'YES, YES, YOU SHOULD BE BUYING ME THINGS. YOU SHOULD BE BUYING ME THINGS AND CLEANING MY HOUSE BECAUSE IT ISN'T FAIR THAT THIS IS SO MUCH EASIER FOR YOU AND I SHOULD GET SOME SORT OF COMPENSATION'. I obviously know that was beyond unreasonable of me (and I did buy her a coffee back next time!) but at the time I really felt like there should be some sort of global system where the mothers of good sleepers are servants of those with poor sleepers, just to even it up. I think I had gone mad.

Not a popular opinion but mine did this (would only sleep on me), so I just decided to sleep with her on me, kind of propped up in bed, and put her down on the bed for short periods if she'd take it. I slept sitting up for 3 months (4 mo to 7mo). Shes just coming out of it now and we co-sleep lying down now. It will improve eventually. Definitely turn off the notifications on that group, and lean on your DH as much as possible.

Have you tried formula and a dummy? Might be a bit late now but worth a try. Are you thinking of weaning soon?

Thank you so much for all your comments. I rang my mum and dad and they came up for the afternoon, took DS out for a walk and I got a nap so feeling much better.

Mississippilessly, things got better, but the last 2 nights have just been awful, hopefully tonight may be better. How is your LO doing?

We've not done any proper sleep training as of yet, we decided after doing some reading that he likely wouldn't have the cognitive development for it to be effective unroll 6 months, but we're going to give it a go once we figure out how to do it. I'll go and read up on the ferber method,

We've tried a dummy, but he just spat it out constantly, he does take formula occaisionally, I've been thinking about giving him a bottle overnight to help fill him up a bit. We started weaning 2 weeks ago, only purees so far, but planning on starting babyled weaning next week, when the pureed in the freezer have been used. Going well so far!

Findingthingstough18, that really made me laugh, I totally understand the illogical rage though!

WinterCoat, we slept like that till 3 months, so absolutly no judgement here on that, it just feels like a step backwards, but another night like the last 2 and I'll be back on the couch.

I've turned notifications off, but staying in the group, it is very handy for a lot of other things and they are supportive, they just don't realise how it is, like you say bellajay, I think they are wrapped up in their own baby stresses and just don't realise!

Fingers crossed for tonight, he's just getting his last feed.

When you have just started weaning sometimes their sleep gets worse for a couple of weeks before it gets better. Stomach pains and bad poos. Doesn't matter if you wait til they're after 6 months it can still happen. It helps after that though

I've been there OP and I feel your pain x

DD1 good sleeper, but did get topped up with formula last feed of the night. I was smug.
DD2 in her baby book, where it says ‘first time I slept through the night ‘ I have written at 20 months ‘we live in hope’.
She finally slept through at around 2 years.
She was breastfeeding bottle refuser, lactose intolerant.
I ate humble pie.

No suggestions op, just solidarity.

I have six month old bf twins. My little boy wakes every ninety minutes over night to feed. I co sleep, but I’m still almost hallucinating with tiredness some days.

It’s SO hard

The bad sleep is like nothing i have ever experienced. Combined with the fact DD will rarely go in his crib for a nap, I am utterly exhausted and baby-d out. I've lost me. I've lost my sense of humour. People keep saying in depressed. I dont think I am - but I am beside myself with tiredness.

I came here to vent about lack of sleep. You all have my sympathy. I’m in the spare room with the baby monitor but DH still can’t sleep through the crying / whining / disturbance. I’m going to have to cosleep more so DH can get some sleep, but that will make me and the baby more tired since if he’s in with me he has to be on the boob ALL THE TIME and neither of us sleep much. I hate co sleeping. And it will get worse once I’m back at work since then baby will be boob-deprived in the day and feel he has to boob all night. My body doesn’t belong to me any more. Baby doesn’t even like the rest of me - if I’m holding him he needs boobs all the time, but he’s not excited to see me if I go out and come back the way he is to see DH. He doesn’t smile at me or “talk” to me the way he does to other people. He thinks he has to be near me in order to sleep, but because the magic boobs are nearby he keeps waking up.

I know DH isn’t actually angry at me about it but I can’t help feeling guilty and defensive and that it’s all my fault.

Hold the dummy in.

Dd1 was a crap sleeper, feed for 1.5 hours at least twice a night and was impossible to get back to sleep 😖

Dd2 slept through from 8 weeks, life was great!

But dd1 is the one that never slept in my bed and from 12 months never left her bed and would only wake up to get me to take her to the toilet.

Dd2 slept in my bed from about 12 months and we have only just cracked her staying in her own bed at 3.5 🙄

My point being, your cocky friend has a lot of parenting left to do yet!

Just let your baby sleep on you for now. I would prop myself up with dd1 and cat nap as best I could.

It's fucking horrendous though, I know

I know it’s unfair. My twins were absolutely awful sleepers - the four month sleep regression hit and never went away. They were tag teaming me, some nights I didn’t get any sleep at all even when they did. I have a friend with a baby of a similar age to mine - when they were 10 months or so she posted on Facebook about how her usually good sleeper had woken twice last night and she couldn’t function. In my sleep deprived state I commented with a “cry me a river” gif, which I instantly thought better of and then deleted. I’m sure I wanted to thump a lot of people around that time!

It took my boys a long time to sort out their sleep - they are both diagnosed with ASD now which may be why, and one of them still has real problems actually getting to sleep.

I did find this information when they were older and I do believe it’s right - I’ve seen it in practice with mine, they sleep much better when they’ve been out and about.
possumsonline.com/blog/babys-sensory-hunger

Unfortunately we didn’t get out much because getting two babies out is so hard, especially on pretty much zero sleep. Looking back I think that may have been the problem for us - not enough sensory input. My boys both have very strong sensory seeking behaviours now.

It’s worth reading through the other articles on the Possums blog - they’re a specialist baby sleep and breastfeeding clinic in Australia and there’s tons of information on there.