My children won't stay in their beds.

[auffahren]

DD1 (age 4) and DD2 (age 2) have always been bad sleepers.

DD1 has been sleeping through the night since she started school but she's been waking most nights and coming in to my bed over the Christmas holidays. I'm not too concerned about this as I think it will naturally fall in to place when she's back to the usual routine.

DD2 has never consistently slept through the night for me, but will when my parents have them. She was still breastfed until 3 months ago and initially she started sleeping better. But she's had a lot of illness since then and she's gone back to frequently waking and coming to my bed in the night.

I'm a single parent and I'm exhausted. They share a bedroom and it makes it hard to be firmer with either one of them in the night as the ensuing tantrum or tears risks waking the other one. I had the idea of putting DD1 in to my bed so I could work on getting DD2 to sleep in her bed through the night and I've put myself on the sofa bed (it's a flat so I'm in the room next door to both of them). Last night was the first night of this. DD1 woke first, she just wanted the duvet back on and she went back to sleep. Then DD2 woke and I settled her back to sleep in her bed. DD1 woke again, said she wanted to be with me. I gave her a cuddle and tucked her back in. Then DD2 woke. She asked for milk so I gave her a bottle, then she laid down in her bed and when she was still awake I told her Mummy had to go to bed now and I'd see her in the morning. About 10 minutes later she came in to the living room. Took her back to bed, same again - I left her when she was still awake. I then went to sleep and a while later (not sure how long) DD2 came and woke me up. At that point, my exhaustion won out and I let her get in to my bed. I'm so annoyed at myself for this now, but at the time I was just so tired. DD1 later came in to my bed too.

I just don't know how to crack this. DD1 is less of a concern. I can work on the basis of rewards if she stays in her bed all night and her birthday is approaching so I'm making a big thing of 5 year olds staying in their beds all night. But DD2 on the other hand, I just don't know. Once I've been in to her once, should I just leave her to it? She can't reach the door handle, should I shut the door and leave her to cry it out a little bit (she has a monitor in their so I would hear if there was a real problem/actual distress as opposed to being a bit cross).

If we all got more sleep we'd all be much happier.

I should add that both DDs have had health problems which contributes to the poor sleep historically, and if either of them are unwell then any sleep "training" goes out the window until they're better. They've also been through a lot of disruption in their life with me and their dad divorcing and their dad being inconsistent. This is why I've always gone with a gentler approach and let them come to me in the night for comfort. But I can't do it anymore. I'm constantly tired and they're not getting enough sleep either.

Does anyone have any suggestions or advice? Please!

Keep taking them back to bed no chat no fuss just straight back a night night and go back to yours they are getting reinforecement and attention from it I appreciate it is difficult but you need to try and be consistant in how you deal with them.

Can you all sleep if you are in bed together?
If so, I would go with that for now.
Little children always regress when they are ill or anxious.
I used to keep a duvet and pillow on the bedroom floor for a child who felt lonely or scared and didn't worry if they climbed in with me.
They do outgrow it.

I would stop the milk she doesn't need milk in the night.

I love it when mine come and get into bed with me. I do have a huge bed though.

Symlanthy from me . I'm a LP with a 10yr old non sleeper and it's hard.
You might crack it with the rapid return technique, but it's not guaranteed.

Do you mind them ib your bed? If not just let them in so you get some sleep but i do think the night time chat should stop so they and you are calm

We do sleep if we're all in the same bed, but I want my bed back! I end up with the least space and contorting myself in a way that makes me uncomfortable or DD2 will try to sleep on top of me and if she wakes up in the night or early in the morning then she sometimes wakes DD1 too.

I agree that she doesn't need milk in the night. Giving her milk has been a transition from stopping breastfeeding and she's such a poor eater that I do think she's often hungry in the night and that's what wakes her. She is little too as she's an ex prem. But she doesn't have milk in the night when she's with my parents so she can obviously cope without it.

I'm going to try again tonight with the new sleeping arrangements. I just don't know how to force myself to get up to put her back to bed when I'm exhausted and I know that if I let her in my bed she'll sleep and I can sleep.

I gave one of mine a water bottle at night she was also prem ans teeny tiny so you fret but she was nearly 3 and still looking for milk so I gave her a beaker with a little water.

I think my biggest problem last night was that after the last time I took DD2 back to bed, and left her still awake, I left her bedroom door open as I thought the sound of it clicking shut might disturb her and she'd get up out of bed and we'd start all over again. But, in hindsight, would I have been better to have shut it and then if she did get up and started shouting "Mummy" at the door, to have ignored it? It is very much "shouting" as opposed to being upset or distressed. But I hate the thought of her feeling alone or abandoned and I don't like the idea of her laying down on the floor and going to sleep and then being cold.

I'm so torn about how to best approach this.

It is so hard isn't it ?I think you need to try and let her yell she is pissed off she isn't distressed but she is angry but she can huff and go to sleep maybe the seperating them and you sleep in the livingroom is a solution for now

I think so. Then we each have a clearly defined space where we're meant to be. And if DD2 is pissed off then she's less likely to wake up her sister. I've started a reward chart for DD1 today with 2 very clear goals - get herself to sleep and stay in her bed all night. If she does it 3 times in a week then she'll get a treat of her choice. They're back at school and nursery tomorrow so hopefully the routine will help.

Agree with PP, stop the attention and cuddles when they get out of bed. Follow the supernanny method. In fact supernanny, nanny 911... Pretty much any nanny program deals with this most episodes. Obviously they can do it so you are causing the issue here, rather than them.

You know what, you might all get more sleep in the same bedroom.

I resisted this massively with my two, but like you I was a single parent and exhaustion won out. I noticed we all slept do much better if all I had to do was mutter "Shhhh bedtimegotosleeeep...." rather than wait for the crying to ramp up and then I'd have to get out of bed.

My two both had asthma too, and actually having them next to me meant I slept deeper without the fear of not hearing them.

I did have NO LIFE for about 3 years though. I went to bed at 8 and got up at 5.30 with the kids. As a single parent, it didn't really matter to me, and if I ever did need to stay up late, I'd pretend to go to bed with them and then get up again once they were asleep!

Saying that, I didn't sleep in the same bed, I brought another bed into their room and slept in that!

The best advice I was ever given when I had similar problems is to put the child back to bed, as little did as possible, and then say you will be back in 5 minutes to see they are okay. Go back in 5 minutes, say the same again and repeat. I found that my dd responded to that and soon went to sleep.

Thanks for all the advice. I do know that I'm the problem because they're not the same for others. It's sad though that I'm causing a problem just by trying to attend to their needs.

As i said it is hard and nobody has parenting cracked you have so manythings going on my eldest is 25 and She used to drive me nuts at bedtime.

It is bloody hard isn't it. DD1, at the moment, seems on board with getting herself to sleep tonight. And she said she's going to stay in bed all night because she's really tired. 🤞

When mine went through a stage like this I made them a nest on my bedroom floor, so we could all get our sleep.

Op i fully sympathise. I have three under 5.5 a d though I'm not a fully single parent I do 99% of all night as husband works abroad. I've given up a bed to myself to be honest, as oldest always asks for help weeing in the night, middle dream shouts, & luckily currently youngest actually sleeps. We just share a room when necessary, though I wish so so much I could must have my own space but I do what I can to survive because the sleep deprivation, even almost 6 years down the line, is just horrific.

You’re not a ‘problem’...you’ve formed such a brilliant attachment with your kids that you are the one person they can always count on for comfort and they understandably would much rather be snuggled up with you than on their own.
Whatever you decide to do know that you are doing an awesome job. (I would be inclined towards all in one room and more sleep, especially if the divorce upheaval is recent)

The separation was nearly 2 years ago and we have been living in this flat for nearly a year. I didn't want to tackle this when DD1 was starting school but I think things are settled enough now.

Thank you for all of the words of support and encouragement.

DD2 is asleep in her bed. DD1 is in my bed with the encouragement to get herself to sleep in order to get a sticker on her reward chart. She asked if I would stay with her for just a minute. I said I'd come back and see her in a little while once DD2 was asleep. I'm holding off for a little while but I'll go in to check on her soon. I know a lot of it is anxiety with her. She was very close to her Dad and was old enough to be affected by him not being there anymore. I have to be gentle with her as she needs the reassurance that I'm not going anywhere.

You’re doing a great job, I hope you all have a good night.

Thank you. Me too. I'm getting increasingly anxious about DD2 waking up. I hate the thought of her being upset and me "abandoning" her. She's so stroppy at the moment because she's so overtired. I feel like all I'm ever doing is telling her "no", so I'm feeling guilty about that and just want to give her a big cuddle. Which isn't helping my resolve to return her back to bed in silence when she wakes.

I need to remind myself that cracking this will be for the good of everyone. If they sleep better they'll be happier, and if I sleep better I'll be less snappy which will make us all happier. This is so hard trying to do this on my own.

The strangest thing happened. DD2 woke up, cried at the door for me. I went in, fully intended crying and shouting when I tried to put her back in bed - I'm aiming for the supernanny idea of "Go to sleep. Night time" the first time, then just "Night time" the second, and then say nothing each time after. But I opened the door and she immediately turned around, ran over to her bed, laid down, I put the duvet over her and she went straight to sleep. I didn't even say a word.