End of tether

[endoftether2]

As my name suggests I am not coping. I read the sleep board for help but actually feel nothing but envy because at least most people are getting some sleep. I'm getting literally none and this is the third fucking child. What is it I'm doing so wrong!!!!

Just like dc before them dc3 seems to survive on cat naps without ever actually going down to sleep properly. So it's nearly four and we have had no sleep. None. This baby is only ten weeks old. What can I do? I partner to help me do that not an option and two others to take care of as well.

Sorry to hear this OP. When you say cat naps how long are we talking?

Have you tried a dummy, white noise, swaddling etc? What's their bedtime routine? Sorry you're having a hard time :(

We have no routine. I try to keep lights on and noise levels normal through the day to try and separate night and day. She is ebf which I don't think helps as it makes a routine difficulty (happy to take advice in this)

She sometimes sleeps well and at others it can take literally four hours of feeding, back rubs and cuddles to get two hours. I'm exhausted and I hate it. I want to be able to just go to my bed for a sleep when I want to. I'm literally at the mercy of someone else at all times. I have nobody to share the load with and I love my children so much but I need a regular sleep.

Refuses a dummy, white noise doesn't make a difference and swaddling upsets her I don't actually think there's an answer I'm clearly just shot at this

Sounds like my DD1, I remember how shit that was. Have you tried a swaddle pod? Mine liked that- not as restricting as swaddling with a blanket but comfortingly snug.

I remember how shit it was OP. I’m sorry. Are you co sleeping? If not can you try? It was the only way we got any kip Chez Reggie back then.

Sometimes co sleeping works sometimes it doesn't. It's the not knowing I can't cope with. Why does it work sometimes and not others. Why sometimes will she sleep for two hours straight but not others. I'm honestly so so sick of it. I have a toddler as well and can really only cope with so much.

Lovely well meaning people keep reminding me this will pass and while I know it to be true it makes me want to scream and tear my hair out because it doesn't help me just now.

Oh you poor thing. Okay so I totally get how annoying brief catnaps are during the day (my 12 week old is a serial nap refuser!) But nightime too must be torture. Try a bedtime routine?
We do this:
6pm put baby on bed in dimly lit room with star projector and lullabies while i run bath
6:10pm bath baby with baby foam (hoping he associates the smell with bedtime too)
6:20pm take him out of bath, mini baby massage with lotion, dress him
6:30pm
Husband feeds him with bottle of expressed milk (only bottle of the day- we introduced that very recently). We put the white noise on while he feeds... This stays in all night.
6:45pm I finish off by feeding him from breast until he's drowsy
7pm burp him and make sure he's awake, put him in crib, rub his chest and say night night sleep well... and walk out.

I have been very lucky to have a baby who sleeps well at night and I know it's pure luck rather than anything um doing. However a routine for bedtime can't hurt and might help trigger some sleep. Oh also I read 8f they can't sleep they might be overtired so maybe check she's napping enough in the day? Does she at least sleep well in pram? She may be in an overtoredness cycle.

Agree with above definitely try a routine. Lavender essential oil in water and spritz on cot (got to be worth a shot?!) It seemed to help my DD.

Do you have a swing seat? Mine slept in that.
Can you push back and forward in the pram with one of the black out shades over the pram plus white noise that sometimes worked.
At first I wasn't trying a routine but have realised sticking to maximum awake time for age has avoided overtiredness.
It is brutal I feel for you. Stay hydrated and eat well to keep energy up as much as possible.

Hi. New to Mumsnet and parenthood. Our little one arrived on Christmas Day 2018. One week early. Eight days in and both myself and wife (husband writing for help and advice/support too) are lucky if we have got two hours a day. To add insult to injury, our little boy is a screaming T-Rex when he gets going. Changed, check. Fed, check. Burped, yup. Inconsolable for up to 4/5 hours at a time with no breaks in the screaming. Luckily we both work from home so we have each other and our supportive cat but that’s it. My wife had stitches so isn’t as mobile as I am, but I can’t feed baby unless expressed...which is proving tough to even find the time to do this when we have business to run, cat to feed, home to manage, meals etc. No friends close and parents not really mobile enough to help or even get to us.

Anyone in Matlock or close by experiencing our agony? Advice? My wife is handling things well but I am getting a little down as I can’t really help her feed baby at the moment. Feeling terribly guilty.

Thanks.

Hi @costumebaby try not to feel guilty for not being able to help with the feeds as much as you'd like. You can support and help with everything else which it soubds like you're doing.
When is the midwife visiting?
I'd recommend starting a new thread in chat as it's very active and you'll get lots of advice there I'm sure. Good luck.

Thank you for replying and promoting me in the right direction

@costumebaby just wanted to say hope things are going better!!

Surreygirl

I think we’re just in survival mode and will be until our chap gets through his first tough few weeks. He still has no intention of sleeping in a Moses basket or cot or anything that requires him to be away from me or his mother and laying flat. Thanks for checking in...appreciated.

Aw bless him. And you guys too. It is so hard. But it does get better, I promise. I'm only 3 months in and he changes every week... so what might be one way for your little boy might be completely different in a week or two. Good luck!

OP I am in the same boat- you aren't alone. Following this with interest

Not a lot of support for the husbands out there. Being told that making toast and tea is all that is needed to support my wife??? Bullshit. She needs so much more than that. She is struggling to express which means I can’t feed the baby and help out...”oh don’t worry...tea and fucking toast”!!!! Husband feeling down...oh, well mother needs tea and toast. Utter bollocks. 2019 and men are still being considered as the ‘going down the pub people’. Well, I am involved. I haven’t had a drink for three months and am desperate!!! But yeah...wife only needs tea and toast.

You can almost see the obituary “husband hangs himself” more care needed for fathers.

@Costumebaby didn't want to read and run. I'm sure your wife feels your support in so many more ways than just making her tea and toast (although providing her with food while she's feeding your son is no insignificant thing.)

Re your last comment, if you are having suicidal thoughts, please talk to someone - Samaritan's number is 116 123.

Do you feel you can speak to your midwife/health visitor or GP? Postnatal depression can affect men too.

I'm up with my 7 week old at the moment who's showing no signs of sleep - I know how dark the nights can be

Lemondrizzle

I was being dramatic. I am not suicidal or having dark thoughts. I’m frustrated that I can’t do more for my wife than I already am. Health visitors and midwife’s seem to think that tea and toast is all I have to do for her which is utter bullshit. She has stitches, can’t walk and is in pain and has recently given birth. Support is great from them but dated.

Hi @Costumebaby not sure I can offer any useful advice but I will try! The things I find helpful from my other half are him trying to take the emotional load as much as possible ie all the planning of the chores as well as doing them so I am not having to ask him to do everything. Sometimes he will sit up with me while I feed the baby during the night just so I don't feel so alone. Occasionally he has brought me home little care packages with chocolate and magazines- although it doesn't really matter what's in there it's the thoughtfulness that really helps me. This is probably all stuff you are already doing but I didn't want to read and run. you are probably being more helpful than you realise

Mrsharper

Very kind words. I am doing everything I can for her but I can’t seem to escape this guilt I feel. During the day it’s not so bad but at night, I feel horrible knowing that she’s alone with baby for three hours while I sleep. Once baby can actually be put in a cot, I’m sure things will improve.

@costumebaby oh my heart goes out to you. I have an almost 3 month old and honestly his first 2 months were the worst of my entire life. You work from home, right? (Sorry if I made that up). That must help a bit at least. Is it just (not just, but ykwim) that the Baby won't sleep anywhere apart from on you/his mother, or is he still crying for hours too? I didn't have the refusal to sleep in the crib, but I did have 2 months of inconsolable crying (largely due to overtoiredness from refusing naps!) So I know how horrible that bit is at least.

I do feel bad for the men - it is so centred around the mother, I think health visitors etc forget that the fathers are important. My poor husband struggled- not with the baby but with seeing me struggle. He was really worried about me and vert stressed at work. I found the best thing he could do was keep the house in order, look after me (ie food, drink etc) and take the baby for pram walks every now and again to give me a break. I had an episiotomy and stitches and was in pain for two weeks- I found baths the only thing that helped so my husband would look after the Baby while I had a bath each day.

We also discovered my son had torticollus (neck injury from ventouse birth), silent reflux and a tongue tie... those things probably made him feel uncomfortable so I don't blame him for struggling to nap and for crying!

Have you tried getting him to sleep in a sleepyhead? Or some people swear by baby hammocks (although not sure they're approved by lullabytrust). There's a lot of people in the same boat as you but when you feel exhausted, copious research is the last thing you feel like doing, or have the time to do!

I'm Sorry there's not more support for dads any way. Sounds like you're doing an amazing job - it will get easier (I know that's so cliched but is true - I am proof!!!)

Check for signs of reflux, silent reflux and Cows Milk Protein Allergy. The little sleep you're all getting doesn't sound normal.

Yes - reflux babies in particular often hate sleeping on their backs!

Surreygirl

I do work from home which is good and bad if you know what I mean ha ha...I am doing what I can for my wife like cooking, cleaning housework etc but when it comes to feeding, at the moment she’s the only one who can do it. Expressing might be a bit early according to midwife? I’m just shocked that baby is either awake and screaming or asleep. No grey area. Thanks for the advice and kind words. I think the take home is WAIT IT OUT and it will get better. We’re only two weeks in so early days. It’s nice to know others have gone through it but at 03.00 and without two days sleep and a screaming baby...one’s mind goes south. Thanks.