For all those with shit sleepers, but don't want to sleep train who feel like they have the only shit sleeper!

[Catheroooo]

Look up the Beyond Sleep Training Project on Facebook, the Grubby Mummy blog on the net and download Sleep is for the Weak on the kindle.

Made me feel so much better about things, that my baby isn't broken and that I can do this (my 11 month old DD woke 5 times last night and I'm at work today but feeling positive today knowing there's so many others out there and that I'm not a failure as a mummy!).

You absolutely are not a failure as a mummy. Never ever ever. How your baby sleeps is in no way a reflection of your parenting, despite what some might say. Sleeping all night is a learned skill, just like everything else they have to get the hang off from scratch. They do all get there. It totally normal and just one of this parts of parenting you have to accept IMO. Although I’d admit it’s not one you’re often warned about 😂

Just to let you know, 11 months was the turning point for us. And things changed and got better very quickly.

You can do this mumma, and before you know it baby will be all grown up and this will be a distant memory 💕

Thank you so much for your supportive message. I've spent the last 11 months fighting my baby and feeling like I'm doing it wrong. Being resentful of those mums of easy babies (I realise they all have their challenges so I am sorry!). I know I'm going to look back on the last year with regret at feeling negative. But hopefully now I've hot a turning point and accepting how it is and enjoying her more. It is monumentally hard having a baby who finds sleep a challenge but compared to some I know who have lost or can't have a baby I realise how lucky I am. And rather than snipe at my partner through tiredness, use this time as a time to work together as a team and get through it. Only we will know how difficult this phase was for us and hopefully that will always bond us.

The book and Facebook and internet stuff I mentioned has really helped me realise all this. So I just wanted to pass it on. It's so easy to feel low at 3am when you're up for the 5th time that night, but looking at her and imagining the time when she won't want my cuddle makes me realise these times whilst hard are precious. I know I will be wishing for them back when I watch her skoot off through the school gates on her first day.

We can do this parents!

Thank you - yes in the same boat here too with my 2 year old who needs a very gentle approach to any form of sleep training!

Thanks for sharing! I have a 5 month old boy who climbs me like a climbing frame when I try to put him down for sleep. Up til now I've been able to get him down with rocking (standing up) and a combination of singing, shushing and patting, albeit taking ages sometimes but for 3 days now I can't get him to sleep. It's so dispiriting! So, for naps I've put him on his tummy and patted him with reassuring words and he's done manic tummy time but not cried - to the point of exhaustion, then slept well. But I can't do that forever either and I don't want to do it at night because I can't check his airways are clear in the dark. Going to look at your blogs now! Sending you hugs - it's bloody hard! :)

DS is about to turn 4 and I can count on one hand the times he's slept through. Still not going to sleep train though. Normally end up in the spare bed with him

We tried controlled crying once and hated it - DS was genuinely distraught at being left alone to cry. We put a mattress in his room and did what I call controlled whinging - kneeling down by the cot to give him a kiss and a cuddle before lying him down and saying "goodnight, ssh, sleeping time" and lying down on the mattress where he could see us. Then every 5 minutes comforting him in the same way, lying him back down, etc. etc. It worked brilliantly, DS whinged but wasn't actually crying tears, he was just cross. Could you try something similar?

You have my absolute sympathy- I spent many a night dashing across the landing to mine. First woke hourly until 9 months and then 3 times a night until he was 1. However, he has slept through 7-7 since 15 months and is an absolute dream.
The second was just as challenging and woke regularly until 18 months She is 2.5yrs now and goes 7-6ish. She wakes occasionally but settles straight back down if you tuck her in. Takes all of 5 seconds :)

There is light at the end of the tunnel!

Thank you for this post I will have a look at the things you recommend.

I'm having very little sleep with my 10 month old and explained this at my 9-12 month review last week. HV was pushing for me to try controlled crying, she called it the disappearing chair, but it's controlled crying. I said I didn't want to try that and she almost made me feel like well that's your own problem then. She also called me the next day to say her colleagues had recommended the disappearing chair technique, I again said this wasn't what I wanted to do and she said there's not much more advice I can give you. Made me feel quite useless. Also the issue isn't getting her to sleep initially it's that she wakes repeatedly through the night!

So I'm glad to have read your post and know I'm not the only one. Also hoping that 11 months will be a turning point for us too!

In addition to your recommendations, look up Courage and Chamomile on Facebook and Instagram. You are definitely not a failure if you're mothering the way your instincts tell you to!

@maybebaby5 I feel you! 6 months ago I turned up at clinic knackered, teary and feeling a failure. I watched a baby asleep in his car seat be taken out and weighed and put bavk into his seat and slept the whole time!!! I started crying at the health visitor, who basically just said, don't worry, at 6 months you can sleep train. I knew I couldn't do it as it didn't sit right with me. There is no support for mums who don't want to sleep train other than the support they find themselves. But they feels failure and alone in doing so. You're doing great and keep going!!!

I feel your pain especially having to work after night after night of broken sleep. My DS finally finally started sleeping through at 18 months (she says at 9:15pmwith now 28 months and not asleep yet tonight)! You'll get there one day. Oh and just ignore the HV. Mine told me to do cc too.

Urgh, I am so in this boat too. DD is 11 months, her sleep has been awful since she was 4 months old and it honestly feels like it’s just getting worse. A typical night is bedtime at 8, wake every 20-40 mins until anything from 11pm- 4am. Sleep for 1-3hrs and then wake every 15-20 mins. Up 7-8am. I’m honestly on my knees, it’s been like this for over a month. Before this she’d wake every 1-2hrs.

Daytime naps are fine but if she naps in bed I have to stay with her or she wakes up- she used to nap alone fine for 2hrs in the afternoon with maybe one quick resettle.

I follow the fb page, will have a look at the others. Biologically normal infant sleep on fb is also good. I am glad I am meeting her needs and will not consider sleep training but fuck, this is so hard. I really hope it changes soon, I’m not sure how much more I can take. We bedshare, bf to sleep and for every wake up. She won’t settle for my husband so it’s all on me.

Solidarity, it won’t last forever...before we know it they will be teenagers refusing to get out of bed!

You too @chocolateraisin

So very very hard... But I can't let her cry. I know that even if it 'worked' I will just worry she's sleeping coz she knows I won't come. Can't wait for the day she is sleeping and I know it's out of contentment.

The sleep for the Weak book is really very good. Today my whole perspective has changed. Not to say I don't feel on my knees and the prospect of another night of broken sleep (every 1.5 hours last night), but the book normalises it all. Genuinely expected shed just sleep by 6 m9nths and was feeling bad she wasn't at 10 months. Now I've accepted that even if it isn't hunger and she just wants a cuddle that's ok, I feel better. God, when I used to wake up in the night (before baby, God, why did I waste precious time waking up!!!), it was reassuring to feel my partner next to me, so why shouldn't she get the same reassurance.

You're doing a really fab job. It will be worth it and just think that the next wakeup breastfeed is one less to do. You'll miss them when they're gone!

Struggling with dS2 who is 10months and screaming as we speak. He won’t settle at all tonight. He’s a crap sleeper anyway, I’m so exhausted. He wakes anywhere between 6-15 times a night.

DS1 was just as shit until 11months. Least he took a dummy. DS2 uses me as the dummy 😞 have 10month review with HV tomorrow, will see what she says.. not holding my breath

How did you get on with your hv?

She suggested putting him down drowsy but awake and shush and pat u TIL he sleeps. 🙄

Because I’ve obviously never tried that and she’s clearly never seen my sons stubbornness at sleeping. He can cry for hours

Hang in there!!
Our little one didn't sleep, woke 10+ during the night. (Crying, babbling, elbowing our faces)
Only started napping at 15 months for 1hr in his cot. (In dark room)
Wouldn't sleep in buggy. (the world was too exciting?!?)

Then something magical happened. Got his own bed and duvet. Sleeps 7pm to 7am. It will happen. I didn't have the spine to do controlled crying. Keep the champagne ready in the fridge to congratulate yourself. Good luck and best wishes for that elusive sleep!

@mummyme87 hang in there. I've never got any useful support from hv. Funnily enough I had her annual review too today. Was asked how she slept, told them 'like a baby'. Was ready for the unwanted sleep training advice but she didn't offer it.

Trust your instincts, and if that is to carry on, then keep going doesn't make the sleep any better but I swear changing your attitude really helps. We had 4 wake ups last night, but I feel ok today and enjoyed my DD now I have stopped being frustrated by sleep. It is what it as wishy washy as that sounds, but at some point she will get there and I just don't want to have ripped myself apart going bonkers in the process. But it isn't easy... try reading those bits I mentioned. You are not alone xx

I also suggest the Sarah ockwell smith book, think it's called gentle sleep? Gives the actual data on normal sleep at different ages and how normal it is for babies to wake up.

My PIL ask EVERY SINGLE TIME WE SEE THEM if he is sleeping through the night yet. I've run out of ways to be polite about saying no he doesn't but it's normal!! The lack of sleep bothers me less than answering their stupid questions

My DS1 was shit until 11months then changed over night. I just can’t see that happening this time.
Something has got to give. I’m exhausted, I cried all day. I’m back to work in January running a labour ward, I can’t do it with this level of sleep deprivation. But equally I don’t know what to do about it. He just uses me as a dummy all night and I can’t get him passed that

I have no useful advice but try going onto the Facebook page I mentioned and posting on there. It's likely you'll find someone with experience of it and can help... I'm sorry I know it's so hard.

I’m joining the 10m sleep woes gang!

I have a dummy/cot refusing 10.5m DD who has decided for the last week or so that she WILL NOT SLEEP unless she has a boob in her mouth! @mummyme87 do you think it’s an age thing? She’s super clingy too and cries when I leave the room.

@edinburghcapital what age did you put your LO in his own bed? DD hates the cot and DH wants to get her back in it but I’d skip it altogether knowing I could get her in her own bed at say 15-18 months.

Naps are also all over the place- didn’t nap until 3pm yesterday and only had about 30 mins in the car today. Wondering if she’s dropping to one nap?

On the plus side she’s getting a wicked sense of humour and making me laugh so I kind of forgive the rubbish sleep...

I don't think I could do controlled crying either. I just hear that nspcc advert from years ago... do you remember?

'Miles is a quiet baby. He's learned that no one comes whether he cries or not.'

@cottipus don’t thinknit is an age thing as has been going on since 12weeks just worsening every week now.

I’ve joined the Courage and chamomile group and signed up for the Tackle Sleepnin 10 workshop