Am I a bad mum for allowing 5 week old to sleep on a feather pillow?

[discopisco]

Since birth, I've really struggled to get my DS to sleep. He twitches constantly in his sleep, getting startled at the sound of his own breath which often means he wakes up after every 10 minutes or so and then struggles to get back to sleep. I've tried swaddling and a grow bag but he absolutely hates these and cries until he's blue in the face and released from both. He also suffers from painful trapped wind and will wake himself up writhing in pain. We've got the Chico next to me but he refuses to sleep in there. As a result, we're co-sleeping but it's not working as we have a memory foam mattress and I'm constantly on high alert and massively paranoid of rolling onto him, etc. I look and feel like cr*p because everyone keeps telling me all babies do is sleep all the time- not mine! I'm not eating properly, or going to the loo when I need to as baby is mostly in my arms being rocked back to sleep- day and night. The minute I put him down, he screams the house down. My release is when DH comes home from work in the evenings so I can hand the baby to him and have a quick nap. This doesn't always work as DH panics when the baby cries and hands him over to me for a feed (baby is EBF).

So, after a horrendous night where I've slept for 2-3 hours, I got a feather pillow (the Chico next to me's mattress is very firm which having got used to our memory foam mattress, the baby hates) and put it in the bedside crib and put the baby down. He's a bit twitchy and keeps stirring but he's asleep. Fantastic, except I feel like I'm playing Russian roulette with his life and leaving him vulnerable to SIDS. Has anyone else used a pillow for a baby so young? Is there anything else I can do to get baby to sleep safely? I am so so tired and so so desperate to try anything that works.

Have you thought about a bed nest like a Sleepyhead?

Baby might have settled well on the pillow because he felt cocooned on it, but you know yourself it goes against the safe sleeping guidelines.

Ps. Went down the pillow route as my caesarean scar hurts every time I pick baby up and try to settle him and also because baby has the sniffles and a congested nose so I thought the pillow would elevate him and make it easier for him to breathe (also using saline solution for his nose). Plus, I want him out of the bed so I can stretch and get some space/rest/sleep. I feel like cr*p and feel like I'm failing the parenting game.

Please go and see a professional about the twitching (preferably with a video) asap. My DS twitched in his sleep from day one and was having focal seizures.

We've got the sleepyhead and it worked for a fortnight where baby slept in it for 30-40 minutes at a time. Every time I picked him up, he felt very, very hot to the touch. I packed it away shortly afterwards, will try that again. But even the sleepyhead isn't recommended for overnight sleeping according to the lullaby trust.

We've also got a rocking swing which has worked for millions of difficult sleepers but not mine. I feel like we've thrown everything at our little one but he's just destined to be a bad sleeper. I'm struggling to cope atm and constantly feel like I've been hit by a bus.

Have you tried swaddling him? It helps with the startle reflex and make a them feel like they're being cuddled. Probably safer than a pillow. Also, could you try warming the Next 2 Me with a hot water bottle before putting him in? Will make the contrast between your warm cosy arms and the crib less obvious.

Sorry, I've just re-read your post and realised you tried swaddling already.

I don’t have any advice but please know that you’re not failing and it’s flipping hard work! Well done.

Mine was the same and I tried him on his front in the crib - he slept much better. I know that’s also against best practice advice but as he could lift his head, I went with it and just hovered over him a lot at first to check he was okay!

We use the sleepyhead between us. I’m sorry op but many babies don’t sleep, mine included. I wouldn’t use a feather pillow. I too would film the twitching and ask about it just in case, but apart from that the only obvious thing you are doing that is very wrong is letting your dh wake you. If he’s just fed he doesn’t NEED a feed. He’s probably tired and yes it would be easiest to soothe with a feed but I let my dh walk up and down with a tired crying baby because I too need to sleep. You need to tell him you need 2 hours. He can put baby in a sling or pram and go for a walk if he wants, at least until your husband gets a little used to having to parent.

The danger with a pillow is he could end up underneath it - memory foam isn't recommended for cosleeping but is probably less risky than a pillow. The next to me does have a hard mattress - I think you should be able to get a softer one in the right size. As a temporary measure we put a folded microfleece blanket under the crib sheet for extra softness.

Also, they really do get easier. At 5 weeks with my first born I wouldn’t what the heck I’d done. But then she slept and ate and the sun came back out. Go easy on yourself.

Oh..., and white noise. Have you tried that? My tiny baby LOVES the sound of a tumble dryer and chills out instantly when I put it on (via phone, we don’t spend time in the utility room)!

@fairiedemon - that is one of my biggest fears. Sometimes midfeed baby will clamp his jaw tightly shut and become stiff momentarily but then cry afterwards. He also randomly zones out where I think he's fallen asleep with his eyes open. It's only when I say something will he jolt and look my way again. Oh god, I'm anxious as it is and this has got me even more worried.

Ps. I'd put the twitches, zoning out out and lack of visual focus down to 'normal' newborn behaviour.

Your post has taken me back to the early days with ds2. It was horrendous.

I'm afraid to say that like toubwe tried everything. The only thing that worked in the end was him growing older and bigger.

Massive sympathies but the feather pillow is a risk I wouldn't take. But we all judge risk/benefit differently. Hope you find a solution and get some sleep soon.

Mine did the clampy feeding thing mid-feed. And all three have been super twitchy as newborns.

I've tried white noise- Ewan the sheep failed as did the sound of running water which the baby did like initially!

Sorry I realise I sound like one of those people who bats back every bit of advice/suggestions thrown their way but I feel like I really have tried everything.

I've tried everything other than controlled crying which I just cannot being myself to do*

Not sure if it is recommended so please do check, but have you tried putting him on his side?

He also randomly zones out where I think he's fallen asleep with his eyes open.

Mine used to do this thing where their eyes roll back and they seem to have dropped off then they wake back up again. Is that what you mean?

Dummy?

I know not everyone likes them but they do help some babies settle.

Ps it was a while ago but pretty sure mine have all been twitchy. I think the thing is that babies are programmed to sleep snuggled into us!

Sounds just like my baby at 5/6 weeks. I remember that weekend being the absolute worst for my sleep deprivation (it was Christmas). But they slowly get better and bigger and less scary. You're not failing you're doing a fantastic job.
The sleepyhead worked for us for 2/3 hour stints until he got too big for it. Then we co slept in bed as he was 6 months and I get I could do it more safely that when he was tiny. He's 12 months soon and we still bed share (DH in a different room) and he sleeps through the night mostly.
We saw the dr at about 2/3 months as he wasn't settling on his back, he had silent reflux and infant gaviscon before bed helped massively.

He's far too young for controlled crying anyway OP.

The things that helped (a little bit) with DD were warming the cot before putting her back down and putting something in the cot that smelled of me. She was a shit sleeper though and ultimately it's just time that's made her better (although she still has nights where she's a nightmare).

Definitely agree that your DH needs to stop bringing the baby to you when you're supposed to be napping. I wouldn't have made it through those early months if it wasn't for people coming to hold the baby for me to get an hour or sos sleep.

Is he breast or bottle fed? The wind, writhing in sleep and waking every 45 mins could be cows milk protein intolerance. More likely if bottle feeding rather than breast.

My baby didn't sleep either and I tried everything too. All I can say is - try everything again! Don't discount it if it doesn't work at first. Some nights you may find something works (like the pillow) - tomorrow he may hate it. Try the sleepyhead again, keep trying white noise (I found it had to be loud to work - I used an app on my phone and had it full volume). Alter the temperature in the room - my DS definitely sleeps better in a cooler room (which I discovered at 11 weeks when we stayed in a hotel with air con) and more layers. Try putting him in a cot if he doesn't like the next to me. Change up your routine - try bedtime earlier/later etc. Gradually you'll find stuff settles and things will start to work. Eventually, DS would settle with white noise and co-sleeping with me. You are still in the shit storm of the newborn days - you'll get through it! And go and see your GP with your concerns to put your mind at rest. Good luck!