Am I a bad mum for allowing 5 week old to sleep on a feather pillow?

[discopisco]

Since birth, I've really struggled to get my DS to sleep. He twitches constantly in his sleep, getting startled at the sound of his own breath which often means he wakes up after every 10 minutes or so and then struggles to get back to sleep. I've tried swaddling and a grow bag but he absolutely hates these and cries until he's blue in the face and released from both. He also suffers from painful trapped wind and will wake himself up writhing in pain. We've got the Chico next to me but he refuses to sleep in there. As a result, we're co-sleeping but it's not working as we have a memory foam mattress and I'm constantly on high alert and massively paranoid of rolling onto him, etc. I look and feel like cr*p because everyone keeps telling me all babies do is sleep all the time- not mine! I'm not eating properly, or going to the loo when I need to as baby is mostly in my arms being rocked back to sleep- day and night. The minute I put him down, he screams the house down. My release is when DH comes home from work in the evenings so I can hand the baby to him and have a quick nap. This doesn't always work as DH panics when the baby cries and hands him over to me for a feed (baby is EBF).

So, after a horrendous night where I've slept for 2-3 hours, I got a feather pillow (the Chico next to me's mattress is very firm which having got used to our memory foam mattress, the baby hates) and put it in the bedside crib and put the baby down. He's a bit twitchy and keeps stirring but he's asleep. Fantastic, except I feel like I'm playing Russian roulette with his life and leaving him vulnerable to SIDS. Has anyone else used a pillow for a baby so young? Is there anything else I can do to get baby to sleep safely? I am so so tired and so so desperate to try anything that works.

we co sleept on bad nights but putting my baby on her tummy to sleep made a hug difference and she sleept through from then but again it goes against guidelines.

We did loads of tummy time so she could learn to roll as soon as she could roll it was ok for her to sleep on her tum. Well it felt safer to me.

Just remembered as well that I used to cuddle/feed to sleep with a sheet held round them so when I put them down they weren't going onto a cold sheet.

Are you going to keep using the pillow? He doesn’t even need to go under the pillow just to turn his head into it and have nose and mouth covered by it. Making your dh give you chunks of proper sleep is better than risking his life. Is your health visitor reasonable, I would reach out to her if so? There are all sorts of intolerances and things that someone who has seen lots of them might pick up and you would not. If you want to cosleep can you afford just to get a new mattress? 5 weeks is so new and it’s all so hard at the moment, you need to find a way to survive this stage but please rethink the pillow unless you’re standing there watching him sleep - and then what is the point of it?

No helpful advice sorry but I have massive sympathy for you. I know why they do it but I fucking hate the safe sleeping guidelines and lullaby trust. Non of my babies have been able to sleep in a 'safe' way so when you finally get them asleep you spend the whole time watching them breath it's like torture. I think it's really one dimensional advice and really negativity affected my mental health at times.

Hi don't want to alarm you but I remember a friend telling me about someone she knew whose baby suffocated after being left on a cushion. He is so tiny, and as a pp said it would only take for him to get into a position where he couldn't easily turn his head to get into difficulty on a feather pillow.
I feel for you as my first dd was a terrible sleeper. Swaddling worked a bit. There is also a lot of advice online about safe ways to cosleep. Good luck, but def would not recommend the pillow.

Hi I’m new to this but would just like to know if I’m in the wrong !
This morning I went out to the shop to get groceries the shop is at the end of the road 5 mins there and back
As my partner slept after a restless night with the baby
I took the the down as she is a bag of beans in the morning
I needed to nip to the shop so got my 12 yr old son to watch her
Are 2 lads are very responsible for there age
She was sat in her high chair fully strapped up no hazards at all
I was back in 5 mins
My partner flipped her lid when she got up ending are relationship 😔
Which I think was totally blown out of proportion
It’s not like I went to the pub for half an hr !
Which I would understand such a reaction
I understand that the age on doing this isn’t very clear but 5mins with someone responsible and a adult in the house asleep that is
What do u think ?

Mine all slept on baby sheepskins as little babies, they loved them and would get sleepy as soon as they were put down on them but I think they are regarded as an overheating risk now (we live in a rather chilly old house so keeping warm was more of an issue for us).

My son had awful colic and sleep was a nightmare! We tried everything. Some things that worked for us were use a gro bag rather than swaddle (He would kick the swaddle open) music such as a mobile or on your phone, a comfort blanket so I had a muslin I slept with a few nights then would give it to him before he went to sleep and then take it away. Dummies were a life saver. When they're tiny they just want to feel secure and doing things like that help them feel comforted and make his crib a safe place. We did this since he was born and eventually at about 6 weeks he stopped crying when we put him in there. He would lay awake sometimes but liked being in there. Gro bags are great for babies that don't like space around them as when they kick they can feel something. Also routine helped him a lot, we went up with him same time every night and had his bottle with just music in low light no talking and he clicked eventually it was bedtime. He ended up sleeping from 10-7 at 8 weeks and still does at 5 months. Just persevere you will find something that works for your little one

With the symptoms you describe and you EBF I would recommend cutting out all dairy for 6 weeks and seeing if there is an improvement, it could be cows milk protein intollerance/allergy There are CMPA support forums on FB, it helps alot having others to talk to and working out what alternatives there are.

I have always put a baby duvet under the sheet in anything my babies slept in, it softens and helps the mattress warm up a little quicker, they always slept better with it, no risk of suffocation as it's under the fitted sheet.

Have you tried a sling during the day? At least you can get yourself food etc if he's strapped to you.
Also, don't worry about letting him cry for a minute or two while you go to the loo etc. Have you tried a bouncy chair - I used to move mine around in it so they could see me and I could talk and sing to them whilst doing little things. Will he sleep in the pram/buggy when you go for a walk?

Sleepyheads are also against safe sleeping guidelines and not recommended by the Lullaby Trust. The company themselves advise only using under supervision. Frustrates me how they're raved about and recommended here.

www.lullabytrust.org.uk/the-lullaby-trust-issues-warning-about-some-popular-baby-sleeping-products-sold-in-high-street-stores/
www.fda.gov/ForConsumers/ConsumerUpdates/ucm227575.htm

OP, firstly you are not a terrible parent. Honestly, I would have let my newborn sleep on the pavement if it meant that she and I got some rest. With my second she settled really well on her tummy, so I would let her fall asleep (during nap time, when I was awake) like that (under my surveillance) and then once she was asleep I would turn her over. I used a pacifier and swaddled her at night. Things have improved and she's settling into a routine, which is exactly what will happen with you and your son before you know it. I'm not sure controlled crying will work for a baby that small, after all this is your fourth trimester (sounds so twee and annoying I know, and I hope I don't sound patronising) but all baby wants is to be close to you. Maybe invest in a next to me cot bed?

I completely sympathise- my baby is 3 weeks old and sleeps best next to me or in my arms. I also have a next to me cot and after talking with Health visitor have warmed the bed with a hot water bottle and then slept with my hand on her side and she stays in there for about an hour and a half now between feeds ( also EBF). I have raised the mattress slightly with a towel underneath it which she also recommended. I would be very wary of the pillow. I use a wombie ( like a sleeping bag but with no arms so their arms are zipped inside the bag). That has also massively helped as she is like Houdini and if I use a blanket to swaddle her she just escapes! She also startles herself with her arms if they are left loose! Feel free to pm me if you want a mutual support/ winge group at this time. Good luck xx

If you put it underneath the bottom sheet it significantly reduces the risk

For elevation, try a wedgehog (wedgehog.co.uk) under his next to me mattress.
If he's an arms up (as most babies tend to be) sleeper then try the swaddle up (www.lovetodream.co.uk) My LO had it from birth and most of my antenatal friends ended up getting one after struggling with traditional swaddling.
Have you tried warming the n2m mattress with a hot water bottle? Obviously remove before you put baby down but it helps if he's fallen asleep on you.
Best of luck.

@Welshie77 I’d start your own thread.

For both mine I put a towel under the crib sheet to make the mattress not as hard. I also had to prop them up slightly and that helped but sometimes they won't sleep and you need to ask for help. Get your oh to take him a walk or a drive for a couple of hours and don't be hard on yourself

Firstly you are not a terrible parent!

I've read through and seen you've tried an awful lot of things and I am absolutely no expert

I've seen your co-sleeping at the moment, but could you try him in his own basket/crib so you can elevate the crib? My son had awful reflux and need to be elevated and when we did he started sleeping much better I'd previously ignored advise to as was worried about him not being flat. We used towels underneath his rocking moses basket stand and it irked brilliant. Now when he has a cold I put books under the one end of his cot. I keep meaning to buy those proper things actually!

In the early weeks my son didn't sleep well at all, he hated the £120 swing thing we'd bought, he hated his moses basket he'd sleep for an hour at a time if I co-slept and my husband slept on the floor!

I'd say keep trying with the swaddling, as it's what worked for us and brilliant for babies with exacerbated startle reflex? What are you using my son didn't sleep in any of the swaddle blanket things we had a few. Only a cellular blanket or the big muslins with a cellular over the top to tuck in actually worked. Again I was very against doing this and when he did it was life changing ( we all bloody slept)

Also how are you feeling and have you tried infacol before every feed?

Are you giving anything for the trapped wind?

He sounds refluxy, I say this because he sounds how my son did and he had reflux. For us infacol and carobel (a thickener for his milk from GP) worked and he's not had to have any medication for it. He still needs carobel now at 8 months but he we stopped infacol months and months ago.

Perhaps get him to the GP Monday.

Is a mattress topper an option? I had. Chicco next to me and my daughter would only sleep for about an hour in it.

Have you seen these Love to dream swaddles.
Arms are fixed up by the head in a natural sleep position - not like the growsnugs. They're stretchy, so not as suffocating as traditional swaddles, but tight enough to make them feel safe and warm.

lovetodream.com

We swore by them.

I hope it gets better for you x

It won't be a popular opinion OP however we used either a thin duvet or thick blanket on top of the Chico mattress. Not as deep as a pillow but thick enough to pad it out a bit. I secured it down with the sheet. DTs slept brilliantly on it for months, incidentally still do this with at travel cot we use.

Both DTs were also always super twitchy when going off to sleep when tiny, especially when just drifting off.

My DS loved his Coccoonababy, he had it in his Next2me but I didn't like him in there so he slept in the bed with me in it. We had an elevated rocker that he slept in swaddled for daytime/ evening before we were in bed naps in the living room and we were there with telly on but darkness otherwise. It's so difficult isn't it? We want them to sleep in the safe, recommeded way but they just DON'T, the uncooperative little beasts.

Thank you so much for all your words of wisdom, kindness and reassurance. I just feel so, so lost and don't know which way to turn in real life.

We've tried infacol when we thought he may have had colic. Apart from turning his poos runny, it had non effect on the discomfort he felt.

Our GP thought he might have reflux (he went a few days of projectile vomiting and not keeping anything down) so prescribed him infant Gaviscon. It helped a little but he'd still squirm and cry until he was blue in the face.

I've got a fabric sling (Hana) and the ergobaby omni 360. Baby HATES being put into either one of these. He wants my arms or my shoulder. I'm knackered and so really struggle to keep him comfortable in either positions.

We've also had one session with a cranial osteopath- she said he had tension in his diaphragm and has recommended a few sessions with her to sort this out. Apparently this is quite common with babies born via c-section...

I think it's safe to say I am not enjoying being a mum atm AT ALL. I feel like walking into another room and not coming out/walking out and leaving baby with DH for good. It's not what I want but I'm sleep deprived, food deprived and look and feel like death warmed up.

DH is really struggling too. He looks like a dear in headlights. I've had some experience with babies (nephews/nieces) so have a bit of a better understanding. He's clueless and more than a hinderance than help atm. I feel really sorry for him but I haven't got the energy to help him or be there for him. I need him to step up and help me sort things out. Instead, I feel DH relies on me to take the lead when it comes to the baby.

Ps. I thought baby might've reacted badly to my love of bran flakes with ice cold milk so have cut all cereals and dairy out of my diet completely.

We have him some gripe water earlier today. He cried and spat it out! Aaaaaaaaaargh!!!

As others have suggested;

Video twitches/zoning out etc to show to GP
Get a softer (still firm though) mattress
Heat mattress up before he goes in with a hot water bottle (ensuring it's not too hot obviously and remove it before he goes in).
wear his blanket so it smells of you.
Gentle music or white noise (I know you've tried this but try again in combo with the other stuff.
bassonett - then you can place a hand on his tummy when becoming unsettled/or stroke head etc

Is it around feedings times in particular? (silent reflux?)
Easier said than done but try and remain calm otherwise you will produce stress hormone (cortisol) and he will pick up on this and produce his own, getting into a vicious cycle.

Know that this is a temporary stage and it will pass but in the meantime whenever he does sleep in day, you need to lie down and put eye mask on even if you don't sleep, it will still help to rest your brain thus helping to cope. Be kind to yourself you are doing a great job.

It can be a good idea to do half the night each btw you and partner that way you get a proper 4hr sleep (he also signed up to sleepless nights when he decided to have a baby). Sleep deprivation is used for torture for a very good reason! Consider introducing a bottle and or dummy - your sanity takes priority over everything!

Accept all offers of help so you can go and have an hour's rest in the day if possible, even if not actually able to sleep (see above re eye mask).

Don't use pillows or sleepheads (see lullaby trust advice).
Far too young for controlled crying (need to be 6mths and weaned).