BF-friendly routine books/methods to read up about for first baby?

[pandarific]

I'm 24 weeks with first baby and would like to start reading up about different sleep / feeding routines to see what might work for us.

I'm hoping to BF, and if - fingers crossed - delivery goes well and we're home soon after I'd like to spend the first few weeks focusing on establishing it. That said, if it really doesn't work I'm quite happy to bottle feed, but I'd like to aim for the BF first.

Could you give me the benefit of your experience and recommend some good routine books/methods to read which are compatible with BF? I'd like to do a good bit of research into the various methods, so a list is fine.

Honest ideal would be as much sleep as possible for us me as I'm at higher risk of PND and I really struggle with low mood and general feeling like a bag of shite on no sleep while DH, the bastard, is fine while doing the absolute best by the baby and not causing elevated cortisol/stress.

The best method is to be baby led. Feed on demand, forget about a routine for a good while yet, you’ll only set yourself up to fail.
If you’re breastfeeding it’s really important to feed as much as the baby wants. The first few months of breastfeeding are hard bloody work. Look up cluster feeding.

With regards to sleep I have found that you get used to sleeping less and being disturbed. Sad but true!

Baby Calming by Caroline Deacon. I read it before having DC2 and realky wish I’d read it before having DC1 as numverc2 was a dream to look after.

Congratulations too on your PG

Thanks both! I'm keen to have a loose routine and structure in place from early days so the baby starts to learn what's normal/what to expect iykwim - it's an ideal I know, but I can try.

The reading and research about methods is as much about familiarising myself and DH with techniques, tips, tricks as well as likely baby signals as anything as I have literally no experience with babies apart from occasionally holding a cousin's newborn for 5 minutes about 7 years ago - I know NOTHING. DH has much more experience, with much younger siblings.

I've heard about the cluster feeding on here - I think I'm in theory okay with feeding on demand, but I need to know more about it, advantages and disadvantages, methods, effect on development, naps, sleeping...

So current list is:

• No cry solution (newborn version)
• Baby Calming
• Breastfeeding book (Bestfeeding seems highly rated on here)

Any thoughts on Dr Sears/baby whisperer?

I hope you don't mind me saying OP that this is excellent that you want to prepare in advance like this. Please don't worry if the baby doesn't fit within a routine or structure of a book though. I haven't read parenting books about newborns but it is a fragile stage for you mentally and I hate the thought of you feeling you're doing something wrong if your baby doesn't work with a routine from the early days.
You don't know what kind of baby you will get but believe in your own ability and judgement and maybe just reference the books as needed.
Honestly this is not a criticism just a concerned poster who knows someone who suffered a lot as they punished themselves and too the books a bit too seriously.

For breastfeeding try The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and/or Food of Love.

You cannot predict anything in childbirth or with babies. I did everything you did for my first and honestly it just gave me more to beat myself up about. I'd go with the spending the first few weeks establishing bf but you don't know the little person yet. Some babies are easy some are not, some take to bf like ducks to water, some don't. If baby comes early they may not be able to feed, would you be prepared for that?

What I think I'm trying to say is just don't do too much "planning" as the factors will vary so much and you don't want to feel too bad if things don't go to plan. Read by all means but don't think this is what I am going to do. Im only saying because that's what i did and you're in a bad place mentally if you somehow fail. Which is how I perceived it when birth was awful, bf was way harder than expected, baby was unsettled (due to nothing I was doing) it was my fault and that's not good for your mental health.
Hope I make sense, English isn't my first language.

Just remember, the baby won't have read the books

Go with the flow, relax, listen to your instincts/baby, plenty of fluids, plenty of rest and enjoy those first few weeks - they go so fast. A routine will gently be established naturally.

As others have written. Don't focus on a routine, read the books for knowledge but don't have too much of a set idea in your head. I'd advise just reading Internet articles about attachment parenting, breastfeeding etc over books then you get ideas from lots of places. I found the Next 2 Me crib brilliant, baby could be fed and put down without me having to move too much, essential for a good nights sleep. Please, please forget this idea about routine! It's rubbish if anyone says to introduce a routine to a baby. Maybe have lights down from 8 ish and be in bed, curtains open during the day to introduce day/night but anything more is unnecessary imo. I've got two children under 4 and I can honestly say that if I'd have tried to do anything other than let baby set the routine then I don't think breastfeeding would have worked out so well. Also, research private lactation consultants and if you can, save up enough money to have a consultation. You probably won't need it but getting help when it's needed rather than waiting for the NHS to send a midwife (who in my experience knows little about breastfeeding) round to help can make all the difference. Oh, and lots of cuddles, they've been pulled from inside your tummy and just want to be safe in your arms, ignore anyone who says you're 'spoiling' baby by not forcing a routine!

I wouldn’t bother with books- your baby won’t have read them and they are all so different.

I totally get that you say you’ve had no experience- I was the same- but your natural instincts kick in I promise. Trust your judgement, and do what works for you and your baby.

BFing is hard work. The hardest thing I’ve ever done. Be fully prepared for the reality of cluster feeding- it’s demanding but it’s an essential part of establishing feeding and milk supply. Also- there is NEVER any disadvantages to feeding on demand. It won’t effect development. If baby likes to cluster feed get yourself a comfy BFing station- with snacks, fluids, Muslins etc. Pick a box set or book etc and just feed feed feed.

Focusing on trying to establish any routine, even a loose one, will drive you crazy as they are just too little. Let baby sleep when they want, for how long they want, feed when hungry, plenty cuddles and skin to skin. Rest as much as you can and don’t worry about cleaning/cooking etc- it can all wait. It will all fall into place and before you know it baby will be older and much more adaptable to a routine.

What about doing a course such a NCT? That’s good prep and should set you up with (hopefully) a supportive group of women going through the same).

Would recommend KellyMom website for breastfeeding info - really good resource.

A midwife I saw told me that sometimes establishing a routine too early with a baby can hinder breastfeeding if that is what the mother is looking to do, as when they are newborns to get the supply right they really do need to be fed on demand.

Good luck!

Thanks everyone for being so supportive. I promise, I won't use any knowledge I pick up as a stick to beat myself or get wedded to any set idea of how the baby will 'work'. I am just quite a research-y person by nature, honest. (Before I go on holiday, I'm the person with 17 different tabs open comparing different hotels, same with new-washing-machine-picking, same with everything.)

My aim in knowing as much as possible about the different theories and methods out there is to see what the baby does naturally, and then from there I'll hopefully have an instinctual idea of what might work well for them. So that way around rather than trying to get the baby to do a specific thing, which sounds like a recipe for disaster. We are booked on one of the all day NHS things and the local NCT group one too so hopefully will pick up tips there too.

A pp asked if I'd be okay with not being able to BF if the baby came early and yes, I'm fine with bottle feeding too, just I'll try to BF if I can.

Forgot to say you're all right about being obsessed with routines too early - I just mean something loose, something based on what they do, but repeated in a consistent way so there's a nice, secure normal for them as they get older iykwim

Ugh I'm probably not explaining very well, sorry.

Sweet sleep - night time and nap time strategies for the breastfeeding family

I'm usually a researchy person too OP, I'd also have at least seventeen tabs open before a holiday!

I do think it's best to go into the newborn stage with zero expectations though. We've always heard how DH was a dream baby, never cried, slept all the time etc. And how I was a colicky nightmare. My parents talk about having a baby like it was their 'Nam. So we didn't know what was ahead - dream or nightmare!

As you might expect, three month old DD is somewhere in the middle. On the whole she's very happy, but she has silent reflux which affects her sleep. I think having few expectations has helped us take things as they come - we both had zero practical experience, so nothing to draw on. But I was surprised at how quickly I learned.

For BFing, you do just have to do what the baby wants. Which will likely involve lots and lots of feeding. We got very little sleep for the first four nights but it did improve once my milk came in. What helped most was having DH on board. I did nothing but feed. He did all nappies (nappy changes became my favourite bit, a chance to go to the loo, eat something or even just read on my phone without a baby attached to me) and all housework.

Over time we've developed a gentle routine - up around the same time each day, go out for a walk after the mid morning feed etc. But it's very much dictated by the baby. And it's nice to do that. Sometimes she'll go three hours between feeds during the day, at others just an hour and a half. It's nice not to be watching the clock or caught out by an unexpectedly early feed because there are no expectations! If she wants to feed, she gets a boob. Easy.

Ha @LivLemler same here except the other way around - DH was apparently awful, I was a dream. Your 'loose' routine sounds really lovely, I'd be really happy with that.

Thanks for the good ideas on lactation consultant fund and priming DH to take over other baby stuff/house stuff in case of cluster feeding. He's taking paternity leave and holiday too, so we should have a month after with both of us there.

If you're a creature of habit generally (I very much am!) you'll find a gentle routine will likely emerge itself in time. Just don't go in with expectations of what that will be or when it'll happen. A friend had a baby at the same time as me, but her little one has had a terrible time with feeding and allergies. So it's natural that they've been slower to have a routine and get more sleep - because they've had a harder time in general. You just have to deal with the baby you get.

Seconding the suggestion of the Kellymom website.

I'd also say you should see if your local Surestart centre has any breastfeeding support groups - probably not appropriate for advanced research, but an absolutely amazing support network who you can see once a week is a godsend! My group had someone with every possible experience, which gave me a really broad perspective with no judgement.

Not specifically breastfeeding, but I really enjoyed the What to Expect in the first year book. Reading it before DD arrived made me feel much more confident, and it was a great reference to have on hand.

But specifically regarding routines, babies change so much during the first three months that you just barely get into a routine before they get out of it! Baby led tends to lead to much happier baby, then routines really settle down around month 4 and they become so much more predictable.

We never managed a routine, as in at 10am she had a nap, etc. But we got into a lovely rhythm of sleep, change, feed, cuddle, change, sleep, etc. Well, that was what DD decided she wanted so I just went with it. When she slept, if I could I’d grab a very quick shower/whatever priority was, then tried to sleep If I could. My DH was great, so while I was feeding DD, he’d make me something to eat. Did all the housework, food shop etc.
We didn’t co-sleep until she was about 8 months old, before that she was in a crib right next to my bed so it was easy to reach her in the night, but I wasn’t worried about suffocating her in my sleep.

Hmm I would also say be wary of books as they didnt do me any good ......I am a researchy person too, but they quite literally made me go do-lally at times as I couldnt (and still can't at times) understand why my baby wont do what I was believed it would.

That said, I read 'your baby week by week' very good, gentle sleep book, no cry sleep solution, first time parent were OK. The womanly art of breastfeeding I forked out for while going through the cluster feed bit and I had very high hopes but my god I found it very hippy. I just didnt like it at all.

Go with your gut the best you can and dib in and out maybe. Goodluck OP.

I would think less about routine, more about rhythm/patterns. The first few weeks are not going to follow anything so have very low expectations for that but you should start to develop your own rhythm for doing things. Awake times is the easiest thing to look at if you're BF on demand - so a 6 week old will probably only be awake for up to 90mins before they need to nap, a 4 month old can probably have 2-2.5 hours awake etc.

Read up on the fourth trimester so that you can understand why a newborn behaves as it does - it doesn't need to get used to how things are; it needs you to recreate womb like conditions for those early months to help them transition into the world.

I'd also recommend reading BF websites. Kellymom is great for BF information, I like the Milk Meg for the realities of it and what to expect. Also information about cosleeping and attachment parenting is useful if you find your baby isn't behaving how everybody tells you it should (even if you're not fully into the attachment parenting way it's good to have an alternative perspective to the routine based, Gina ford type things you normally get)

I'm also a planner but I would honestly say try to be as baby led as you can in those early months. You will find your rhythm. Also, in my case, the worst advice came from my parents and in laws so take any advice with caution, especially if it comes from a slightly older generation who are telling you what your baby 'should' be doing at each stage

Good luck!

See if you can find your local baby cafe. They are excellent at all questions, and very happy for you to go before baby is born

Second the suggestion of the womanly art of breastfeeding

Avoid anything by Jo Frost

We did a version of the EASY routine once DS was a few months old. Just to give a loose structure.

I also recommend getting to your local sling library. Brilliant thing to have to get your arms back
:)

Honestly, as someone who had PND and a screaming reflux baby from hell for the first few months, don't read any books. They will merely fuel your sense of self-inadequacy and make you feel even worse that YOU are doing something wrong because your baby doesn't fit into their ideal of what a baby should do. Unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.

Go with the flow, relax, listen to your instincts/baby, plenty of fluids, plenty of rest and enjoy those first few weeks - they go so fast. A routine will gently be established naturally

Definitely this! You will find a natural routine yourself and putting too much pressure on yourself to stick to a routine is likely to put you under too much stress. Read books for the baby knowledge, butvditch any strict routine ones in the bin,

You sound similar to me OP.

Newborn stage - baby led. I fed every 3h or less, used a nanny timer (from amazon) to keep track and a wristband to keep track of which boob was due next! I did wake DS to feed to establish supply.

Then moved over to Gina Ford routine. Probably around 2 months in. Not in stone might I add! But it just so happens that DS had put himself into a natural rhythm that quite closely matched the GF routine for his age. I followed the GF routines in terms of timings. Very much baby led in that I followed his sleep and hunger cues, with one eye on the clock to map against GF routine. It worked very well and saved my sanity as I then didn't need to worry if he was eating enough or sleeping enough etc.

Ignored the obsession with putting baby to sleep in own room. DS napped in the buggy or on me. People get a bit hysterical over GF and I can only surmise they never actually read any of her books. It all seemed common sense to me.

You are going to have your own ways of doing things, not slavishly follow a single book or theory. Enjoy getting to know your LO and yourself as a mum - my feeling is that you will be pleasantly surprised.

Not a book but I joined 'UK breastfeeding support' and 'can I breastfeed in it UK' Facebook pages. The latter is (as the name suggests) just about breastfeeding friendly clothing and tips but the former is a huge support group of experienced and new breastfeeding moms.

I joined a few months before DS was born and made sure I consistently read the posts and comments when they came up in my newsfeed. this really helped me get an idea of the typical problems faced by breastfeeding moms and the strategies that would be suggested by the experienced moms.

For example:

I have a newborn. Is it normal that they are constantly wanting to feed? Yes. ESPECIALLY at night. This gets your milk supply up and it's very important you respond to your baby and offer them breast on demand

It's hot and my baby is feeding more - is this normal? Yes. Your milk adjusts in this weather and became a drink too so your baby stays hydrated.

I quickly learnt that the answer for most things is breast. Baby tired? Breast. Baby hungry? Breast. Baby crying? Breast.

By having read so many real life experiences I knew it would initially feel like my nipples were being razored off (this suddenly stops and doesn't hurt after a few weeks) and that for the first few weeks I would pretty much do nothing but nurse my baby so was prepared with box sets and DP did absolutely everything else