Babes who would only sleep in arms- how did you manage to stop this and how old were they?

[MrsHealey]

My DD is 7 weeks and suffering from silent reflux. We're just starting to get the pain reduced for her but we are struggling to get her to sleep alone.

For those of you whose babes would only sleep on your or your partners, how did you get them to sleep alone and at what age? Im keen to start any habits we can whilst the reflux symptoms calm down as im desperate to stop co-sleeping as it makes me anxious. And my DH and I would love some time with each other!

Thanks

Hi there MrsHealey. My DS is now 10 months. He had colic until about 8 weeks and silent reflux until 4 months. Oh and is (still) breastfed. For the first 3 months he slept in ours arms most of the time and when we put him down he slept in a sleepyhead which I definitely think helped but wasn't the miracle cure that some people believe it to be. Also he hardly ever slept in the sleepyhead in the day. No idea why.

From roughly 3 months we had about a month of him sleeping 4 hour stints in his crib at night (in the sleepyhead). After the weeks of colic and silent reflux induced rage this was heaven! I nursed him to sleep every time he woke but it was pretty easy to transfer him back to the crib at that point. In the day though he was still sleeping in our arms most of the time.

Then at 4 months the dreaded sleep regression hit and all that went out the window! From 4 months to 9 months we had varying degrees of failure and success with trying to get him to sleep alone in his crib. It involved a hell of a lot of singing, patting and shushing! In the day I went through a stage of putting him down in the pram and pushing him back and forth in the kitchen. This was quite successful but annoying. At nighttime we started co sleeping initially in the early hours, but for a while he would only sleep if I was lying right beside him - in the day and at night. Throughout this whole period I nursed him a lot whilst laying down on our bed. He almost always fell asleep when I did this and before he was mobile I would sometimes be able to sneak away. But most of the time I just took the opportunity to have a nap myself!

I was very much against any hardcore sleep training but we did try the pick up, put down method for a few days but then he got sick and i felt like there was no point trying if he was poorly. At 9 months we moved him to his own room and it improved his night time sleep a lot. We would have moved him earlier but he was poorly quite a few times and teething bad, so we didn't feel like it was the right time. Also he was still waking between 4-6 times throughout the night so the thought of having to get up to go and settle him was too much considering how sleep deprived I already was!

Recently over the last week he has started to go for longer stretches at night but has become a nightmare to get down in his cot for naps in the day. I'm pretty sure it's separation anxiety that's causing it. So he's sometimes still sleeping in my arms again for naps. Or in the buggy/car if we're out and about.

Not sure if this is any help. But I suppose what I would say is that they go through so many good and bad stages, you can never be sure that you've cracked it! People always say whatever you try you have to be consistent. And I get why. But we found it very hard because not every day/week is the same. Sometimes they're sick or teething or over tired/stimulated. And sometimes you are too! None of us are machines, which is why I think so many of us end up letting them sleep in our arms and/or co sleep. Because it seems like the most peaceful and loving way. Obviously we all know there are risks doing it this way but that's a different thread.

Good luck with whatever you decide to try! And enjoy the cuddles while you can. xxx

Hello - mine didn't have reflux (poor you) but he was a terrible sleeper. However the co-sleeping was a bit less scary once he grew bigger. We co-slept until around 8 months and it was only with sleep training he got used to sleeping by himself.

Mine stopped napping on me at about 4/5 months. I genuinely miss it (people said that to me at the time and I wanted to tell them to shut up - but they were right!)

Is there any particular reason the co sleeping is making you anxious?
For naps, do you have a sling?

One of mine slept on us for 4 weeks until we put her in a cocoonababy then she was fine. I think these aren't recommended now. The other slept on us for 8 weeks until we put her in a love to dream swaddle - it's a cross between a sleeping bag and a swaddle. I think it made her feel a lot more secure. Still wakes at least every two hours though!

We had this and used to let her sleep walking around in the sling or lying on me or dh. We just carried on cosleeping following all the safe sleep guidance as it was working well and then when she was a toddler made her a room and then she decided herself to go and sleep there. I know long term co sleeping isn’t for everyone but it worked well for us!

My baby only slept on me until about 2/3 weeks. I didn't really want her to sleep on me long term, so gradually introduced getting her to nap away from me. Started with on a blanket on the sofa next to me, then playmat on the floor etc, now she puts herself to sleep at naptime wherever she is really (3 months now) or if she is a bit fussy she naps happily in her cot in her room.

Thanks all for your replies.

@savagehk its a mix of the fact i dont sleep well with her there and the fact my husband moves alot in his sleep.

I think i will just have to face the music and some rough nights once she is a bit older! I know you cant sleep train till later on. And keep going as we are for now.

Thanks!

Can you put hubby in a different bed?

What I am going to say here will be deeply unpopular, but I think the only way is to start as you want things to be.
Personally I think it is better for baby and for parents to tackle potential bad habits as early as possible, before baby is really aware of what's going on.
Thowing your partner out of his own bed is it the solution. If you want baby to sleep independently, that is what you need to be working at.
Newborn babies should not be allowed to 'refuse' to go in a crib, yet I see it on here time and again, adults running ragged trying to keep a baby 'happy'.
As I said, I know I will come under fire for this, but parents who let a tiny baby rule the roost are the same parents on here when the baby is a toddler and still won't sleep alone.
Taking control does not mean you love your baby any less, it just means you are doing things differently from what is the norm nowadays, but what was completely the norm in the past.

Throwing your husband out of his bed is NOT the solution, obviously

My dc is 4m and needs me to sleep. I really don't see the point sleep training until the regression ot teething etc has passed. Once he is in hid own room, 5.5 or 6m mark then will look to sleep train as i can be consistent without disturbing dh in the night. Like with dc1 i want him to be familiar with his room first before we sleep train

Currently my 4m old will sleep in moses basket for most night and then will bring him into our bed at some point.

Try a chicco next to me crib maybe? It's nearly co-sleeping... side down and you can hold DCs hand in the night and prop blankets under the sheet to feel a bit more enclosed... DD still sleeps on me at 7 months during the day and just starting to try putting her down again... she'll sleep for 2 hour spells in the next to me... wish I'd had it sooner than 3 months old!

cath, 'obviously' has nothing to do with it. It works for us, it may work for OP, it may not. We all get better sleep with me in the same bed as the baby, and my husband elsewhere. Otherwise husband wakes up whenever baby whinges; so we have two tired parents. If we kicked baby out of bed but still in the room, I'd have to get up and feed, making me more tired (and waking hubby). If we kicked baby out the room entirely, we'd both be woken when baby woke, and would be against safe sleeping guidelines. I sleep well enough in bed with the baby that I'm not tired out by it.

@cathf i completely agree! My LO is 3 months and sleeps in her cot in her own room at night. Now we know she is happy in there we are starting to put her in their for naps.

We moved her into her own room as we were disturbing her sleep when we came to bed (she has always gone to bed a couple of hours before us), now everyone sleeps a lot better

Nothing wrong with making a baby feel secure at nighttime. If your husband sleeps elsewhere it’s not forever. Neither is your baby’s dependence.

Hi,
Sleeping in the same room at the very least until 6 months is advised because putting them alone is an increased risk of SIDS. Being close to you helps them regulate their heat, heartbeat and rouse them from deep sleep cycles, which is proposed as a factor causing SIDS. If you co-sleep safely its not dangerous. Waking up a lot is tiring, but it's a good thing- you're paying attention to your baby even unconsciously and responding to their movements probably before you know it. Feeding while lying down in bed is a great way for everyone to get back to sleep fast.

So that's one thing. The second is that if this is your first it's incredibly hard to get perspective on what "should" be done. A 7 week old is still teeny. They are completely reliant on you for all their needs and that includes help during, or going back to sleep- it's normal. You will all probably have a much easier time if you don't think in terms of trying to make the baby fit into dynamics of your old life. So what if your husband moves out of the bed onto the floor or another room, it's only temporary.
Many many things in life won't be the same, and aside from being tired, it's a matter of adjustment. You don't get a second chance with your baby and all these dire warnings about co-sleeping/responsive parenting leading to poor toddler sleep is not fact.

The idea that doing sleep training with a newborn/very young baby is good because it's "before they know what's going on" is unsupported unsupported. They STILL don't know what you're doing even at 9 or 12 months, they just know they are distressed at being left alone when they need something. Babies cry because they are hungry, thirsty, cold, hot, nappy is dirty, they're uncomfortable in bedclothes, frightened, lonely, overtired.... They don't do it because they're trying to be difficult. Responding to them is not taking an 'easy' option, or somehow 'giving in', it's very hard work. But on basic biological terms I don't see that causing elevated stress in babies whose only instinct and option is to ask for help while going back to sleep can be a good thing for anyone. It's also awfully stressful to ignore your own instinct- just look at the threads on here asking for 'hand-holding' while listening to babies crying through doors.

To sum up, my advice for your main worries:

• Work out new ways to find close time in your relationship, things don't get much easier as children get old, the time demands are always there, just different. Understanding that now will help you over the long term.
• Don't stress about co-sleeping, if you do it safely you will not hurt the baby, and your alertness will reduce as the baby gets older and you are more confident too.

Good luck

A 7 week old baby is not trying to rule the roost or refusing the cot because she wants to manipulate her parents and assert her will. She's simply terrified of being away from her mum. At 7 weeks she doesn't even realise yet that she's a separate person to her mother.

This doesn't have to be parent vs baby, or a power struggle. Once I stopped buying into the "you have to control your infants by" preaching by various "baby experts", and started responding to my baby's cues, we've all slept so much better. We're conditioned to be control freaks and we like to flatter ourselves that we can program the baby to do what we want them to. But I think this just puts too much unnecessary pressure on parents.

DS is 7 months old now and just started sleeping in his cot next to our bed, after months of co-sleeping - and until recently I thought I'd never see the day.

Its only a sleep problem if it is actually making you or your baby unhappy.
My first I followed the same approach as @cathf here. Yes, she slept in her cot, but I was exhausted by patting and shushing and having her unhappy about it, was mixed feeding because she didn't want to breastfeed according to the 'rules' and it was a stressful time.

Dd2 slept a lot on me, then a lot in the sling (btw have you tried this? It's a great interim step), then I started trying regularly to get her to resettle in her cot after 9/10 weeks. She was in my bed a lot, and though I probably stirred more often, there were hardly any tears from any of us and we all got sleep. At 6 months I wanted her to sleep more in her cot and did some very gentle sleep training (No Cry Sleep Solution), she has been a pretty good sleeper since, teething and travel disruptions aside.

Plenty of my friends would have reverse stories - ultimately you have to do what works for your family. If that's a cot, then it's worth a few tears to get there. If training is not something you need or want right now, then stick with what you're doing, there's plenty of time to crack down later.

Mine had reflux too, slept on one of us by preference. I think the upright angle helped. Back then fellow sufferers were recommending slanted pillows that propped him up at night, and we used one with huge success (ours screamed and was sick if left to lie horizontal) but recently these have been no-noed as too risky. Which they may well be if you leave your baby to sleep alone, but we didn't. We bought a cheap Ikea cot that came to the same height as our bed and pushed them against each other (with the cot against the wall, obvs) so i could keep track of my sicky baby and make sure he was always lying at a safe and comfortable angle. DH was all too happy to get an uninterrupted night's sleep for the first 6 months and have his own bedroom while I BFed and dealt with it. Frankly, I don't think I could have stood doing it otherwise. Having suffered with awful reflux myself throughout the pregnancy I felt really really sorry for my DS.

Not rtft. My dd was like this but once heavily asleep I could put her down. Though she preferred her side to back so then I felt I had to watch her like hawk while napping so she might as well been in arms. Ds I just had in sling whole time and co slept. By time Ds2 came I discovered the sleepyhead which was a total game changer. But they also all slept in car seat or prom. It was just moses basket/crib/cot they didn’t like.

I appreciate that this is deeply irrelevant to most of you but my DS did this. He's now 10. On his 10th birthday I picked him up and rocked him on my lap like a baby. He was highly unimpressed but I realises how much I missed it

Oh, and I gave up on paying any attention to people who told me I had to train my child to piss off and leave me alone (which included all the older women in my family, so it was quite liberating). I was actually very happy to be a mum. Fully endorse the advice given by InFrance. Trust your own instincts = first rule of motherhood.

Mine had silent reflux too. My sympathies to you, it's awful. She took every nap in my arms until she was 9 months and had to be rocked to sleep in arms at night before being out down. She'd never sleep in a pram or car seat at all.

Nothing I did stopped it. One day around 9m old I was trying to cuddle her to sleep as normal for her nap and she kicked off. After a day of this I copped on to the fact that she wanted me to put her down awake. So I did, and she rolled over and went to sleep by herself. She's gone down awake and happy for every nap and bedtime since and is now a fantastic sleeper (she's 2). A good nap every afternoon and 12 hours at night without a peep unless she's ill or something. She's never been sleep trained.

Oh, and IMO 7 week old babies do not develop bad habits. They simply don't have the capacity to. Baby is tiny and still thinks it's a part of you. Google the fourth trimester.

Just do whatever you need to do in the short term to get as much sleep as you all can (whatever works for you!). Of thats co sleeping for now then so be it. If you do t like baby being in your actual bed can you look to her a sidecar crib like a Next To Me?