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Original poster

Just shouted at my ten month old

33 replies

PlanetMJ · 15/04/2018 02:59

I am so upset and feel like I don't deserve to be a mum. My ds has always been a terrible sleeper and at seven to eight months I feared for my mental health as things got so bad. Things got better but this is the third night in a row that they have just gone to utter shit and I just lost it.

He has woken every 45 minutes and won't settle back to sleep. We co-sleep and breastfeed. It did improve to the point where he was only waking 5-6 times and a week ago he only woke four times but it was 13 times last night.

If he just fed and went back to sleep I could cope but it's the pinching, clawing and endless painful comfort sucking I just cannot stand. He has been awake for 1 hour and fourty five minutes doing it. I have been trying to unlatch but he wakes and screams in rage and then bit me. I shouted "stop it stop it stop it" and punched my pillow. DJ came in from the spare room and has taken him into his room to try and rock him and put him into his cot.

He has had Calpol. Last night I gave ibuprofen too just in case of teething and it didn't seem to make a difference.

DH has never been able to settle him at night. In the day he takes him in the pushchair to nap. He lost his dad three weeks ago and has been suffering with insomnia so I feel awful disturbing his sleep.

His daytime naps have been a struggle the last few days as well, I usually feed to sleep but he has fought me, biting and pinching.

Please be gentle, I am disgusted with myself for shouting, he is old enough to understand.

OP posts:
Pinkbedsheets · 15/04/2018 03:07

I honestly don’t think he is old enough to understand, he’s honestly still quite a young child,still a baby.
But as for the shouting it’s okay, don’t beat yourself up about it. As parents sometimes we do get frustrated and it’s happens, it’s normal. There is no perfect parent. But now you can learn from your mistakes, maybe if it happens again take him to DP and take a second to calm down. Now, try get some sleep if you can,I know it seems like that’s even impossible but trust me, it’s short lived and it does get better.

mmukito · 15/04/2018 03:07

I hope that this isn't the worst thing to say, but have you tried to switch to formula feeding? I've done a lot of research into it and the effects and differences of formula feeding over breastfeeding are truly negligible, especially since you've already spent 10 full months breastfeeding (which is amazing in and of itself). Both my parents are doctors and I assure I did NOT make this choice lightly. I say this as a mum who switched to organic formula, the stress of breastfeeding was just impossible for me, and it has done wonders for my mental health. However, my baby still wake up 3 times a night over a 9 hour period, still much better than feeding him every 1 1/2 hours. Of course this might not be the best choice for you, but when it comes to parenting, certainly your happiness is extremely important. You will not be terrible for trying formula. Just wanted to tell you that in case you're experiencing a horrible sleepless night today.

Pinkbedsheets · 15/04/2018 03:10

Oops I misread thought he bit you while feeding. Just to add, my dd was the same constant latching for up to hours when she sleeps. Have you thought about cutting out night feeds and giving him a dummy and a bottle and night and only breastfeeding during the day? Just to warn it will take a few days of screaming, he will get used to it. Good luck, OP

mmukito · 15/04/2018 03:12

Yes I also wanted to warn you, at first they might get fussy with a bottle, but it should go away within a day or two, don't panic in case you try it!!

GeminiWarrior · 15/04/2018 03:35

Can’t type much as feeding baby but I think most of us have been there. You didnt hurt your baby in anyway and have recognised it for what it is so just see it as the low point and move forward Flowers

holdmybeer · 15/04/2018 04:22

Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. After 10 months most people would be struggling! Flowers

Babies do pick up on stress, your dh is grieving and possibly you too? And you must both be exhausted. Is there anyone who could take ds for you just to give you a couple of hours to sleep in peace, day or night? My ds2 was a terrible sleeper (still is!) and my mum used to take him out for a couple of hours so that I could nap. Sadly I lost my mum last year so I can relate to the doubly whammy of insomnia and a child that would wake almost as soon as sleep did come Sad

I know you feel bad about the shouting but ds won't remember it, treat it as a wake up call that what you are currently doing isn't working for you and perhaps it's time to try something else. In the morning when you hopefully feel a little better give your ds a squishy cuddle. You're his mummy and he loves, needs and wants you. You're the only mummy he's got and it sounds like you're doing a great job!

Original poster
PlanetMJ · 15/04/2018 07:54

Thank you all for being kind. Yes, I do need to do something that's for sure! He eventually went to sleep for DH and then woke up 20 minutes later at 4am but I felt able to have him back with me and although he woke again at 5 and 6am, he had a quick feed and then let me do the pantley pull off, unlatching him and pushing his chin.

I would totally be on board with formula, he has a bottle before bed, however I worry that he will still wake up and then I will be stuck having to make bottles as well! The plan before last night was to keep settling him in his cot at the start of the night and for naps and then co-sleep when I get too tierd. Then night wean using the doctor Jay Gordon plan just after he is twelve months when DH and I have two weeks off work. This was when things were looking better.

The other option we considered if things didn't improve was gradual retreat. I've read the "what worked for us" thread alot ☺️

We have foolishly booked a week long holiday in ten days. DH needed to look forward to something and DS was starting to sleep better and I felt confident. Uh oh.

I think I will have to try and go with it for now and wake DH up if it gets utterly unbearable again. At least I will have family support on hols.

Thanks again for your wisdom and support. Unfortunately I suspect there will be more posts....

But no more shouting.

OP posts:
FortheloveofJames · 15/04/2018 10:44

I’m sure we’ve all been there. Sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture for a reason. I remember shouting at DS just to leave me alone after he’d been up for the bazillionth time at 3am. I remember feeling like I just literally wanted to run away. Ds was the same, DP could never settle him. I tired to get him to take a bottle just so I could have a bit of a break- so I left him all day and he still didn’t cave so that didn’t work. Baby is fine and you only lost yourself for a moment, don’t beat yourself up. Your doing a fantastic job, never feel you don’t deserve to me a mum x

Oblomov18 · 15/04/2018 10:46

I did it too, to a younger non sleeping Ds2.
It's not great, but cut yourself some slack here.

lozbeth · 15/04/2018 10:49

@PlanetMJ don't beat yourself up ur tired so your bound to feel a bit grumpy if baby isn't doing what you want. Have you tried lush dream sleep I've read things that say baby sleep amazingly with it. I don't personally have any experience but.

holdmybeer · 15/04/2018 15:00

We use lush dream sleep and did see a marked improvement since we started using it and it smells lovely! We also use an aromatherapy defuser for an hour or so in ds2's room and that seems to help too. Sleeping through is still rare though!

Original poster
PlanetMJ · 15/04/2018 20:22

Wow, off to lush tomorrow then! Already doing the first wake up of the night but have rocked him to sleep rather than feeding. I'm going to try and persist with the no Cry sleep solution as much as possible.

OP posts:
ally1986 · 15/04/2018 21:43

I can completely relate to this so please don’t beat yourself up about it. My DD is 9 months and sounds identical to your boy. I have just about made my peace with the waking every 40 minutes through the night, but I find the constant pulling of my hair, thrashing about, pinching, comfort feeding etc really hard to deal with. I’ve been considering dropping her daytime feeds for formula and just breastfeeding in the morning and evening but I have the same concerns you have. It’s so hard to know what to do for the best. Sorry that I have no advice for you but I understand your situation completely! You are doing an amazing job xxx

whatnamenow2017 · 15/04/2018 21:58

Oh, been there - I remember vividly the stress and anger. I too got to a really low point at about 7 months and decided to sleep train. I know it's not for everyone but I had to do something drastic for my mental health. I did the in and out every 2 minutes and went cold turkey on the night feeds. Had 1 night of no sleep, the second night she slept - up to that point I'd been co-sleeping and feeding to sleep. She didn't start magically sleeping through but it got me out of her room and coping tactics for when she woke up. I recommend using a sleep consultant purely for the support and to set you some goals. Good luck, this doesn't last forever... Thanks

Original poster
PlanetMJ · 16/04/2018 19:48

Thank you, it's truly awful isn't it ally. I hope your night is a bearable one. It's the mental load of worrying and constant dilemma about whether I'm doing the right things that I also find so difficult. My entire existence is centered around sleep.

We were all set on a Millpond sleep consultant and then things improved so we spent the money on a holiday! It may prove to be a disastrous error....

OP posts:
BrioLover · 16/04/2018 20:07

God this is horrendous for you and reminds me of my DS1, who despite being FF, woke up constantly. He weaned himself off night bottles at 3 months but still woke a lot till he was 2, and since he was 3 he has reliably slept through. It was hell.

One thing that has helped with both (although my DS2 is a good sleeper and is EBF at 6 months) is a dummy. Would you consider it? We found that the NUK brand worked for us as it closely resembles a nipple and has worked wonders for my mental health as I no longer get sucked at for hours on end.

Much luck and I hope things get better Flowers

Thirtyrock39 · 16/04/2018 20:11

This is why I think sleep training / controlled crying is so important - you're struggling with the sleep deprivation - you CAN get your baby to sleep through it will be a tough couple of nights but so worth it for all of you- it took me three nights you could crack it before you go on holiday ...teaching your baby to sleep well is an important stage in their development

mswales · 16/04/2018 20:19

You definitely definitely deserve to be a mum, look how much you care about your son. He won't remember the shouting at all. Please be kind to yourself, what you are going through is so hard.

Just wanted to echo whatnamenow2017 in that I also got to a super low can't take this anymore state at 6.5 months wake-ups every 45 mins to 1h30, only feeding would calm ds down and even then he would often take ages to resettle e.g. up to two hours so I did controlled crying and within two nights he was sleeping through until 5am for one feed then going back to sleep in cot. It also radically transformed naps, he immediately started going down happily in cot and napping longer. He was also swaddled and with dummy before CC and got rid of those too. I was totally utterly gobsmacked, was sure it would not work on him or it would be a week or more of trauma but it was so quick. He recently was ill so went back to frequent wake-ups for a few nights, once he was better I did CC again but he hardly cried at all and is now sleeping through without the 5am feed.

Again like the PP I know CC is not for everyone but I felt that given DS was crying so much anyway with the attempts at gentle methods that CC would ultimately mean far less crying overall. And I knew that ds needed proper sleep (as well as me!). He is so much happier and more content now. And I am also transformed. The anxiety and despair of a non-sleeping baby, the not knowing what to do for the best and feeling so hopeless as well as like a total zombie is just so so horrible, I really feel for you. I also obsessively read all the threads - I remember the what worked for us thread! - and if you do decided to try sleep training there's some really good CC success stories ones that gave me the courage to finally do it. Good luck OP X

crazycatlady5 · 16/04/2018 23:12

Please don’t resort to CC, you’re doing an amazing job and you sound like an amazing mama. 10 months was the absolute worst for me and was every 45 minutes too, it got so much better at 12 months. Hang in there mama x

crazycatlady5 · 16/04/2018 23:13

I also totally second the lush cream recommendation!!!

absolutelycrackers · 17/04/2018 16:19

Please don’t resort to CC

Don't you dare to tell someone not to !
They can do what suits them and there family best !

Thirtyrock39 · 17/04/2018 17:46

crazycatlady6 plenty of babies don't just magically improve their sleep after 12 months and this mum is clearly at her wits end with lack of sleep. Saying 'just hang in there' is not constructive or helpful. Good sleep is vital to good physical and mental health of parents and babies and controlled crying or other sleep training will achieve this.

absolutelycrackers · 17/04/2018 17:53

I agree .
Giving false hope it just gets better to !
Awful

Calmingvibrations · 17/04/2018 22:46

If you wanted to try ff but didn’t want the hassle of making up the bottle at night you can get the pre made bottles and just decant into feeding bottles. I had to do that as my mobility was bad and it wasn’t safe for me to try get down the stairs in the middle of the night.

Costs more but maybe worth it if can help get you a bit more sleep.

I really hope it becomes easier for you - sounds awful to have so little sleep and on top of that, in pain. I doubt there is anyone who would manage that without going a bit mad! I certainly couldn’t.

Calmingvibrations · 17/04/2018 22:49

Ps fwiw I don’t necessarily think CC is a good way to go in general but if I was woken up that often and couldn’t function my mental health would be at risk and I would probably give it a go.

You do what’s right for you x