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Sleep

Join our Sleep forum for tips on creating a sleep routine for your baby or toddler. Need more advice on your childs development? Sign up to our Ages and Stages newsletter here.

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Original poster

Please help, I can't cope anymore!

67 replies

MissyN3 · 07/04/2018 09:03

This is my first time posting on a forum - I really feel so desperate and am willing to try anything.
My dd is 8 months old now, however, she has NEVER been a good sleeper. And I'm not talking about expecting her to sleep through or anything. I'm just asking for a few hours! She's always slept on DH's chest as she would never settle elsewhere no matter what we did. I always joke that I never had that newborn phase. She always seemed too switched on. Anyway, fast forward to now, and it's been 8 long months that my daughter wakes every. single. hour!
Nothing settles her - I feed her and usually she will become relaxed enough to go back to DH to sleep for another hour. I've heard about the object permanence but surely she's in the same place she went to sleep to begin with? I don't feed her to sleep initially.
The same goes for her naps. I spent an hour and a half getting her to nap. I tried rocking her which usually works. But she refused. I tried putting her down. That didn't work. I tried feeding her again. That's didn't work. I also tried changing, burping, singing - everything! I was almost in tears myself.
It makes things harder having a health condition which causes tiredness and physical exhaustion anyway, so having no sleep and having to rock baby for hours is no fun at all and I just can't do it anymore.
I've spoken to HV and she was no help at all unfortunately.
I don't know what to do.
We're also in the middle of a very stressful and frustrating house move! Argh... Although I guess the stress could be an element in this but this sleep issue has been ongoing for longer than the stress. She's ever so miserable and I feel so guilty for not being able to help her settle. She needs more sleep.

Please help! Thanks x

OP posts:

Blueberrycheesecake1 · 09/04/2018 09:55

@missy you are not a failure! It is so tough and these boards are testament to that.

Blueberrycheesecake1 · 09/04/2018 09:59

In your place I would do the gradual retreat method I've seen described here. She will be upset you're not holding her but she will see you / have your hand on her so will not feel abandoned. You have to do something to feel more normal again. And it will help her in long term too. Xx

Blueberrycheesecake1 · 09/04/2018 10:04

Also babies sometimes grizzle a bit before sleeping. My one still does for naps usually only 2 minutes now (feels longer!) Buthe at first sometimes 10 minutes. It's not a cry it's a tired moan. It's difficult not to rush in to comfort but sometimes waiting a little bit helps them

Original poster

MissyN3 · 09/04/2018 10:06

She has been held by people in the past but she no longer likes it and hasn't done for a good while now. I don't feel it's necessary to upset her further in that way.
We're currently trying this blueberry, thank you! It's really tough, but I know I've got to stick it out to see if anything changes. It really does feel wrong though, shes getting much worse with her sleep.. she's tired but will not go to sleep because she fights it so hard and gets overtired. Then there's no hope of it working and it takes hours, so by then she needs feeding/mealtime. I don't know what I'm doing to be honest. It's the reason it makes me worry for her health in case there's an underlying cause. But as I said I'm trying to move GP.

OP posts:

Original poster

MissyN3 · 09/04/2018 17:02

I don't think it helps that she hasn't got her own room yet, so no proper crib for her. It's just confusing I think.
We're supposed to have moved house by now but things have been held up. I don't know whether it's best to hold out changing things until the move as that's going to upset her too? Just airing my thoughts! Thank you for the replies so far x

OP posts:

usercantsleep · 09/04/2018 18:31

Change things now. You can't go on like this! It always gets worse before better

IHateToCashew · 09/04/2018 18:33

Have you tried white noise at all? That's pretty much all that works for DS. He seems to focus on that rather than being upset he can't fall asleep.

Original poster

MissyN3 · 09/04/2018 18:54

Won't I have to start again thought when we move? On the other hand the poor thing has been shattered all day, I don't even see any tired signs anymore as she's always like it!
We've used white noise since she was a few months old, it does seem to help a little.

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usercantsleep · 09/04/2018 20:12

I used a sleep trainer and she said it didn't matter where you were so long as you had black out blinds, sleep bag, cot and white noise!

InFrance2014 · 10/04/2018 17:02

I absolutely disagree with the rod-for-back stuff and it's not supported by modern sleep research. It's not true that you have to go through some awful trauma to get "good" sleep, and all babies are different anyway. Please don't be scared into thinking your baby is abnormal or needs forcing. I totally understand the tiredness and frustration having been there, and also the fear that you're somehow screwing up your kid.
But if you are not comfortable– you sound like you aren't, saying she's sensitive etc– then DON'T DO IT. I tried gentle retreat for a couple of nights with my first and I regret even doing that. They are far too young to understand anything except that you are rejecting them when they need you. I was way more zen with my second and everyone was happier.
Also be wary of looking for medical reasons when this is NORMAL BABY BEHAVIOUR. I guarantee if you can cope for another month or two it will start to improve by itself, and the time you put into giving her a solid attachment to you will be rewarded by her learning to sleep better on her own anyway. They all get there, and a big part of the stress is feeling distraught on top of being tired. Honestly I am less tired second time round despite fewer hours, because I stopped trying to adjust the situation.
Good luck

TammySwansonTwo · 10/04/2018 17:09

My twins were bloody awful sleepers and I remember things getting worse about that age. We got some baby bjorn bouncers - every time they woke up they’d go in the bouncer and I’d sit and bounce them until they were in a deep sleep then I’d put them back to bed (could you get a travel cot until you move?). They still needed milk through the night until they were about 16 months - they’re 18 months now and generally just wake once.

I know it’s horrendous. We don’t have family around either. Do whatever you can to survive - sleep in shifts, alternate days off to sleep at the weekend etc etc. It won’t last forever

TammySwansonTwo · 10/04/2018 17:11

Also I agree - mine now put themselves to sleep and go down awake and happy, possibly since there’s been no stress around sleeping, never left to cry etc.

Original poster

MissyN3 · 10/04/2018 18:51

Infrance and Tammy - you both almost made me cry! I didn't realise until you said it but this is just what I needed to hear. Thank you so much. I guess sometimes you just need to hear you're not doing a bad job and it's ok for your baby to not be happy all the time. She's a tough little cookie and always has been, I guess doing it for 8 months has took its toll but I will battle through in hope of her getting there herself as your LOs did. Thank you again xxx

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TammySwansonTwo · 10/04/2018 19:29

Oh my god. If I had a pound for every tear I shed because I was convinced I was doing everything wrong (sleep, milk, food, every single bloody thing) I’d be a millionaire. Everyone told me that their sleep would improve when they were ready, and they’d cut down their milk on their own, and I didn’t believe them but they were absolutely right.

From the time they came home, I tried to follow their lead - I fed them when they were hungry, let them sleep when they wanted to sleep, sat up with them when they wouldn’t sleep and questioned every single second of it. But everyone was absolutely right - they’re figuring it all out on their own. If I had another baby now, I’d be so much calmer because I’d have seen for myself that it all works out eventually, and I’d much rather follow their lead than force something on them.

You’re doing an amazing job. I know how exhausting and soul destroying it is when you don’t have any help. What I wish I could go back and change is getting DH to take them out for a few hours so I can rest properly and vice versa.

Original poster

MissyN3 · 10/04/2018 20:04

Tammy, you've exactly described me here! Im always second guessing myself.
I'm so thankful for your input, it really has put things into perspective for me.
She's currently awake again after just half an hour of sleep.. poor thing.
You deserve a medal for doing this with twins! Xx

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TammySwansonTwo · 10/04/2018 21:23

Honestly, it’s true that once the worst is over you sort of forget how awful it was. I hope that day comes quicker for you! I actually recorded every feed, nap, nappy change and pump in an app for 8 whole months - I was bananas.

Original poster

MissyN3 · 10/04/2018 23:17

Oh dear I too do the recording in an app! Haha!

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M0reGinPlease · 10/04/2018 23:43

Absolutely agree with PP's that you're not making a 'rod for your own back' and you that this is all completely normal.

She's still so little- just do whatever you can to get through it and I promise, even when it feels you can't do another night, you will and it will settle down at some point.

How's she doing with her teething? Mine never really properly slept through until she had all of her teeth. It also used to cause her to be wide awake for hours at a time. As soon as she had all her teeth she stopped doing this.

You're doing great, keep going.

TammySwansonTwo · 11/04/2018 01:25

Oops - I’m sorry!

If you can manage to let go of that a little, I found I calmed down a lot when I wasn’t constantly analysing!

Original poster

MissyN3 · 11/04/2018 06:59

She still doesn't have any teeth, although the i suspect they're playing a part because she seems to chew things a little more.. unless it's out of frustration because she can't sleep? I can't see any teeth ready to come through either.

I think you're right about the app, I originally began to use it to keep an eye on which breast I last used (sleep deprivation caused me to forget!) But then it had all these other features too so couldn't help myself

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Original poster

MissyN3 · 11/04/2018 07:00

Thank you so much for your kind comments x

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usercantsleep · 11/04/2018 12:04

I agree somewhat that some things improve with time.....but I also believe that you can make a massive difference by changing some habits. You came on here "to try anything" but don't seem keen to act on any suggestions so keep doing what you're doing if that's what your comfortable with.....I just think it's a shame that you are so fucking exhausted but not prepared to do the work to make sleep better x

Original poster

MissyN3 · 11/04/2018 13:22

I posted here to hear other experiences like mine. Every baby is different so not everything will work for her. I wanted to see if there was anything I had missed that I thought I could give a try so it's not that I'm not willing to try, it's moreso that I know my lo and what may work and what may not.
If anything it's just helped me put it all into perspective. Yes I'm struggling but it's helped to talk about it rather than suffer in silence. I've already tried a lot of things to help change it but it's not been successful, I've put in a lot of work actually to even get this far.

OP posts:

woopwooop · 11/04/2018 13:40

Post on parenting board if you want to speak to other mums who are going through the same shit! If you want to try to change it then you've got to be fully committed to it and be prepared for it to get worse before it gets better. I think you sound too nice for that !x

Original poster

MissyN3 · 11/04/2018 13:49

Sorry I was under the impression that this is a forum, and somewhere where you're able to talk to people who are going through the same. Obviously my mistake!

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