Why won't baby sleep?

[MistyBxx]

I bet there are loads of threads on this topic but I just can't get my girl to sleep!
She's only 12 days old and ebf so I'm not expecting any kind of routine yet, I'm just wondering how she can have a good feed at 11am followed by a 3 hour nap, another good feed at 3 followed by a solid 2 hour nap, then come bedtime, I can take her up at 9-10pm and she will continually cluster feed until 3am!! It's driving me insane!! When she finally sleeps, she sleeps 4 hours but for those 6 hours of the night I'm on a loop of feeding, winding, changing, top-up feeding, winding, she falls asleep, I put her down, 5 mins later, her eyes ping open and she's starving again!! It goes on and on and on and I'm lying there crying in the dark wishing she will just fall asleep!! I know she sleeps well when she does, so why does she sleep so easily at any other time of day except bedtime?!?! I'm exhausted and I literally dread it getting dark as I know what's coming in the night... hours and hours ahead of it. I thought maybe if I didn't let her nap in the day she would be more tired at night but the midwife told me she needs all her naps, plus it's kind of impossible to keep her awake! I'm just at my wits end and it's really having an impact in my first few weeks with her 😖 it doesn't help that my husband works 10 hour days and sleeps snoring away next to me while I'm up all night on our loop 🙈

"No evidence of sleepyhead being associated with cot death"

Literally yesterday the Lullaby Trust released a statement saying that nests and other sleep aids do not conform to safe sleep guidelines. In the USA the FDA has specifically stated since last year that nests increase SIDS risk. Personally I wouldn't risk my baby dying even if there was "no evidence" -the merest suggestion of any risk would be enough to put me off.

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/baby-sleep-products-warning-cot-death-charity-child-safety-risk-sids-a8251586.html

It's safer sleep week this week which is why it's in the news again this week. The lullaby trust hasn't released any kind of 'new' statement it's the same information that's been around for a while.

Anything can be dangerous for babies if not used properly and with supervision and caution. Part of parenting is navigating those risks in a way that matches your own parenting choices and family needs. Everyone will do things differently.

Telling an exhausted new mother that using something (that lots of people have used with great success over recent years and has never been linked to any actual cot deaths) puts her baby at risk of dying is spectacularly unhelpful.

Thanks for all your continued suggestions and advice ladies. For the record, I don't judge anyone for choosing to use/not use anything to help their babies sleep, I firmly believe it's each to their own and no rights or wrongs, and I know loads of different things help different people, but that being said, co-sleeping is not for me, I don't want to try it again and won't be using any in-bed sleep aids, I'm persevering with feeding her then putting her back in her basket next to the bed. I will however be trying infacol and I will try a dummy too! Everyone says these days don't last long but each night feels like a lifetime when there's no sleep. I feel sorry for hubby coz he works 10 hour shifts 50 hour weeks so I really don't want to wake him if I can help it although he's still in the bed with me so he obviously hears me up and down with her all night. I have tried expressed milk in bottles just for a little break but she really doesn't like bottles and again I don't want to keep trying coz I do enjoy breastfeeding her and I want to continue, I just wish I could somehow adjust her routine so the massive naps she has in the day (like the one she's having now that's been since 8am!) happened at night instead 🙈 there are no rules though girlies are there, these babes do what they want and we have to just go along with it xx

Exhaustion is better than a dead baby.

OP, if you don’t want to cosleep that is entirely your choice and very diplomatically put. I think a dummy is the way forward and a swaddle - I wish mine had taken a dummy, even though she cosleeps! A dummy is your easiest route to soothed sleep away from you x

It's hard, but it gets better. Stressing about it won't help- as I have learnt. You have to just go with it. It WILL pass

The wind will pass, honestly no evidence that infacol works- people believe it works as the wind goes away on its own and they think it is the meds.

Your baby has an immature digestion system and is also getting used to the weird sensation.

My 9 week old still gets a little uncomfortable when squeezing one out- but does not build up to it hours before as he did previously.

And of course the problem with a dummy will lie further on when you try to take it away!

In the same boat here with 9 day old DS2. Feeds every 2 hours at least round the clock and cluster feeds a lot overnight. It is exhausting, but DS1 was just the same at this age so it’s not a shock to me this time. It does get better at some point... it must have, otherwise I would never have had another!

We gave DS1 a dummy and never had a problem with nipple confusion etc and so did the same this time. Both of mine seemed to be “sucky” babies so it does help with sleep.

Also agree with sleep as and when you can, today I didn’t get up until 12.30... I’ve accepted that there will be some days I’m in my pjs all day and that’s ok. These early days don’t last long.

I agree if you are reaching breaking point and crying those are the times to wake your DH up and get him to walk around room with baby, even if it gives you and nipples a break for just 10 mins I find it makes a huge difference.

I find with parenting, sometimes the things we find the hardest would be made much easier if we adjusted our expectations (of ourselves as well as our babies!).

Thank you so much @cadburyegg and everyone. I think it's a massive culture shock for me as well and I'm juststruggling to get used to it being a first timer. I adore my girl but it's all so much harder than I thought! The lack of sleep is just a tiny bit, she's got really bad wind now as well and her crying is so pitiful, she's never been a cryer until now, she's been so chilled but last few days and especially today her wind has been so painful, I'm struggling to burp her and her tummy is sore as well I think. She seems constantly uncomfortable 😣 xx

OP, just going to add to the chorus of “it’s normal, it WILL get better soon and you’re doing a wonderful job.”
I actually found it easier in those early days to not go to bed at a normal time. I know that sounds crazy but I found it so frustrating to be in bed and not sleeping because of the constant cluster feeding/winding/changing. So instead, I’d stay up until 1/2am watching box sets and then sleep when DS eventually decided he was done for the night. Like your DD he would nap well in the morning so I’d sleep then too.

I can’t help much with the wind as we didn’t suffer too badly except to say that infacol did nothing but gripe water was better. I’ve forgotten (it was only last year ) whether they have to be a bit older for that though? As they get older then become better at sorting the wind themselves so again, in time, it will get better. Hang in there!

Thank you @Naschkatze pre-Baby I was always 12-1 going to bed anyway but since having her, I'm literally so exhausted downstairs I just want to come to bed earlier like 10ish but of course that doesn't mean we go to actual bed 😳 I'm sat here again gone midnight and on our 4th mini-feed of the night. I can't keep her awake to feed her a full productive feed so when she falls asleep I know it's only pretend sleep coz as soon as I put her down, I get literally 30 seconds to a minute before she starts grumbling and the whole cycle starts again. It's about day6 of this godawful routine now and I'm losing the will. Before this, she was sleeping approx 10-2 and then 3-7 and I was over the moon!! That lasted all of 3 days before this routine kicked in and now I'm stuck with it 😖x x

Not stuck with it.... it will get better!!! I remember exactly what you are describing so well. Being so tired and wanting an “early” night, maybe 10ish, but still there up at 1am trying to put a baby down who woke every time her head hit the pillow. It was the worst. But it was over by 4,5,6 weeks ish

Definitely not stuck with it! It will get better... and probably worse again... and better. We had a sweet spot of 6-12 weeks when I used to get 4 hours in a row!

There could be something you are eating that's not agreeing with her if she is very windy. Strange question but what is her poop like? Is it green and mucous like or yellow and mustardy with bits in it?

I found my first baby was very refluxy and windy and I stopped dairy and ate a very clean diet, no chocolate or processed food and drinks and within a couple of weeks he had improved dramatically.

It’s ok to find it hard, nothing prepares you for the exhaustion you feel with a first baby xxx

I'm very open @cadburyegg I've never pretended to be a hero, I'm finding it hard and I'm telling people that lol 😂 no point acting like everything is fine when it's not. I had a particularly traumatic birth as well, which I think has contributed to my sad feelings this fortnight 😳 I'm speaking to someone about that soon though.
Tonight I've tried something different... sleeping downstairs. It's not ideal BUT she went down at 11pm and she has just woken for a feed!! How long we will be awake now I don't know but usually we won't have slept at all by now so if I can get 3 1/2 hour stretches by sleeping on the couch... I'm doing it!xx

Hi Misty, just wanted to say I felt exactly the same as you about co-sleeping and I felt very strongly that I didn't want to do it.
It's really hard but I persevered and kept putting my daughter in her Moses basket (she is 2 now) and eventually we started to get a routine and she always settled well in her basket and cot then. It feels like a long time but it does pass! My little girl had colic for the first 12 weeks which was not fun at all but it passed and now she is 2 I barely remember those really tough nights. You'll be the same I know!

Just be careful OP that you don't fall asleep on couch with baby, which is far more dangerous than co-sleeping.

I know you've said co-sleeping isn't for you, but I co-slept with both DSes, didn't bother with Moses baskets etc. It was the only way I could get sleep. Google fourth trimester: tiny babies just want to be snuggled up to their mums

Oh no she's not on the couch with me, she sleeps in her pram flatbed (as advised by midwife) when she's downstairs. She used to nap in a donut cushion down here but midwife suggested pram as sleeping curved upright isn't good for them. Defo not co-sleeping on a couch. I do cuddle her as much as I can when she's awake, especially as she's windy at the mo, I don't believe new babies can be 'spoiled' at this age so she's always in my arms, just down to sleep really. I'm just so grateful for a couple of straight hours!!xx

My baby is now 15 weeks, but everything you are saying brings it all flooding back. It will improve, but it’s hell at the time. Your partner really needs to get on board with helping. Some things we did:

I slept breastfeeding while partner watched us. I couldn’t cosleep for fear of squashing baby, but sometimes the exhaustion got too much and this really helped as I could relax.

Endless winding. Lots of bouncing up and down to get those little smirks (tiny bits of wind), lots of leg cycles, lots of tummy massage and sometimes even a little squeeze necessary to get the fart out. The wind was terrible for a few weeks (bf) but as soon as baby’s muscles build up, it does get better.

Sometimes DH would just take the baby for a drive, or to sit in another room and let him suck on his finger. It didn’t affect my supply, didn’t affect his growth and sometimes I just needed an hour of sleep and so it was worth it.

At about 6-8 weeks I also reached a turning point with my stitches and stopped feeling like my vagina was turning inside out. This too gets better and better with every week.

I’m so sorry that the main advice is to give it time, but “this too shall pass” seems to be the only sane mantra for parenthood - and I’m still only 15 weeks in!

A few other thoughts that I go to to help:

“The nights are long but the weeks are short”

Good morning OP (and everyone else on feeding duty). There's something not nice about being awake in the dark, it's just not how we are made to be and I've always found things seems so much more shit in the middle of the night. I used to work nights and even when i'd slept all day, I used to feel miserable between 2 and 4 am. Anyway, rambling a bit, just wanted to say you're not on your own. My 4 week old is chomping her way through a bottle as I type.
Chin up and keep up the good work!

Good morning OP (and everyone else on feeding duty). There's something not nice about being awake in the dark, it's just not how we are made to be and I've always found things seems so much more shit in the middle of the night. I used to work nights and even when i'd slept all day, I used to feel miserable between 2 and 4 am. Anyway, rambling a bit, just wanted to say you're not on your own. My 4 week old is chomping her way through a bottle as I type.
Chin up and keep up the good work!

Lol I wish I knew. My baby is 6 months, EBF (+ some blw now) and still doesn't sleep through. I am losing my fucking mind. In the day, you must try and nap when your little one does. That's the only way I survive.

^^ people up here talk about routine. In my experience it's v hard (and pointless) to establish a routine with a newborn. They change all the time. I agree with the cosleeping.

I woke up in a exhausted panic once on the sofa with my 4 week old. Despite being adamant I never ever would fall asleep. Well after that we made our bed safe and co slept safely and consciously. Didn't have a bad night really after That!