Some advice for the night re controlled crying

[sthitch]

My 6m old isn’t settling well in her room after moving her out of ours on the weekend, she’s either terrified or laughing and shrieking in delight but not sleeping! Some of it I put down to also starting food - however her last “meal” is a lot earlier now and this settled, so now I think it’s the room.

Tonight my mum helped me by keeping me out of the room until around 7/8 mins where I went in, gave her the dummy and the crying stopped and she went to sleep. I’ve since read about the 2 mins then 4 mins then 6 mins etc - she wasn’t hysterical so should I continue waiting longer or should I try the above technique?

Also, she’s now waking in the night whereas before she would generally sleep 7-7- do I go straight for the controller crying or do I offer milk first/change nappy etc. Last night we were up for 2 1/2 hours, gave her milk and a nappy change, couldn’t get her to sleep and ended up having to lay on her floor for ages stroking her... I really don’t want to get into this habit! I also worry because her room is next door to my neighbours bedroom so I’m going to feel really bad about controlled crying in the night!

pip The advice isn't to move them into their own room at 6 months; it's not to move them out of your room until at least 6 months. They certainly never meant move a baby out just because they're 6 months and then leave the baby in the room on their own to room to cry to sleep.

I used cc but not until my son was a bit older (I think around 18m?)

I think at 6m I'd definitely want to check for a full nappy or hunger as she can't tell you what's wrong.

If all's well then I'd consider the best way to get her to settle.

This webpage is very against CC. For me it was the final option and it worked very well, very quickly bit as I said my son was quite a bit older.

True tea, poor choice of words on my part. But it is just so confusing, I can see how many people would take that advice as "move them out of your room at 6 months".

I think your baby is too young OP but sorry some people have been so rude to you

titty totally agree with your first post, in fact you've inspired me to have a stern word with my 9 month old!

OP I believe even people who advocate CC say it shouldn't be used before a year. You also need to be certain there is absolutely nothing else wrong (so check nappy, feed, not in pain etc), and that they're 'only' crying for comfort.

You're right not to put anything loose in her cot, but you can tick something in tightly round her mattress. I slept on a blanket for a couple of nights (got it good and stinky) and then used that in my daughters cot when she was a newborn. You could even do it with the actual sheet and then you don't have anything extra in there.

How does she normally go to sleep - ie for naps, and when she was in your room?

I would consider CC but not until I had tried everything else - does routine need adjusting? Could she be teething?

Jesus, what is actually wrong with comforting your child to sleep? I absolutely despair how much parents are routinely cruel to tiny babies. SHE IS CRYING BECAUSE SHE NEEDS YOU AND YOU ARE IGNORING HER. What on Earth is that telling her?? I brought you into this world but now a messily 6 months later you’re on your own and won’t have cuddles from me (unless it’s between the hours of 7am to 7pm as that’s what suits me).

What kind of misguided person thinks this is GOOD for their children or is it just good for you

My 13 month old has a feed and crawls into her bed where she is now almost sleeping through. When she is older I’ll read her stories and stroke her to sleep if she needs me to. She is a child and just needs love!

I think some posters have been unnecessarily mean to you on here. However, I wouldn't be leaving a six month old to cry it out. I always go to my four month old no matter what time it is. They're still so tiny and depend on us to feel secure and safe.

You've had some nasty replies OP. Sarcasm is a particularly dumb form of meanness.
Personally, I'd sit with her until she goes to sleep. Do whatever it takes to get her to sleep - stroking, patting, whatever. You can then gradually (over weeks or months) reduce the amount of input your baby needs to get to sleep. I wouldn't do controlled crying at that age because a) there are other ways of achieving the same result that are less stressful for everyone involved and b) you had a brilliant sleeper, chances are she will go back to sleeping well, so a soft approach is likely to work well.
There are many good books on sleep issues. I'd stick to a book tbh. MN is helpful on many issues but sleep isn't one of them!

I agree. Why not advise OP kindly? Mumsnetters can be such witches some times, thinking their sarcasm makes them.seem all big and clever

Yes, settling to sleep is a developmental skill but so is rolling, crawling, walking. Do all CC opponents here really rush to their babies every time their little ones cry with frustration when they cannot master a basic gross motor skill? I know I didn't even though DD cried a lot when trying to roll, crawl and walk. She did not cry because she needed me (I know it may be hard for a mother to accept that their 6 months olds are no longer newborns and do not fully rely on their parents). She cried because she was not initially getting a new skill and she screamed even louder if I tried to intervene (even at 4 months). Settling to sleep is no different and there is no reason why we should not give babies an opportunity (within reason) to try and settle independently. Feeding them every time they make a squeak, in my opinion, is not too different from keeping them in baby equipment and not letting them take their first independent steps.

The one year cut off for controlled crying is only advocated by attachment parenting proponents (e.g. Jay Gordon). Actual research shows that controlled crying does not result in any negative consequences for babies over 6 months. Yes, sleep training sometimes fails but very often parents are either not being consistent or they are trying to solve the wrong problem (stating the very obvious, you cannot sleep train a hungry or teething baby). You can read sleep training threads on this board and you can usually predict if posters are going to succeed or not.

Regardless of whether parents sleep train their children or not, the vast majority of babies in the UK are securely attached to their primary caregivers. In fact, the UK percentages are higher than what you see in other more traditional countries (78% vs high 50%). People may complain about Western culture and our approach to baby sleep but at the end of the day we must be doing something right (even when we go for sleep training).

There are some Incredibly unhelpful and rude repsonses on here. I would suggest you google controlled crying as the sanctimonious mums of MN are probably not the best place to go for advice on this. 6 months is not too young in my e perience, mine were all out of my room around then.

Actual research shows that controlled crying does not result in any negative consequences for babies over 6 months.

Oh no it doesn’t!

Just look her in the eye and tell her you’ve had enough of her being so dependent on you. She’s 6 months old now and it’s time for her to make her own way in the world.

This made me laugh. I have an 11 month old who has taken to waking several times through the night shouting 'mama mama mama'. I think he needs a good talking to.

I do think 6 Months is too young for controlled crying- they have no idea that you're trying to get them to sleep at that age and will eventually give up, thinking you're not coming. I know it's knackering but at that age they need the comfort.

Do all CC opponents here really rush to their babies every time their little ones cry with frustration when they cannot master a basic gross motor skill? I know I didn't even though DD cried a lot when trying to roll, crawl and walk. She did not cry because she needed me (I know it may be hard for a mother to accept that their 6 months olds are no longer newborns and do not fully rely on their parents). She cried because she was not initially getting a new skill and she screamed even louder if I tried to intervene (even at 4 months).

In DD’s case this didn’t happen. She had disturbed sleep during development leaps, which we took no active attempts to “fix” because to us they weren’t issues. Anyway, she would wake with new teeth we didn’t know were coming. She didn’t try to crawl, she just did it. And on her 9 month birthday she let go of the sofa and walked across the room. We never had walkers or bouncers or did anything to help her develop skills. We just supported her and she did the rest.

She’s a very happy and kind child who shows lots of empathy for other people at 7. Perhaps because that’s what’s been modelled to her since birth. She would no sooner leave me crying than I would her.

Just to put it out there, we did CC woth my son and he's as much a of a delight at Titty's little star bit he's only 4 and managed it despite me occasionally leaving him to cry

www.isisonline.org.uk/how_babies_sleep/sleep_training/research_evidence/

www.isisonline.org.uk/how_babies_sleep/sleep_training/considerations/

“Almost no research has looked at the processes occurring in babies' brains and bodies during sleep training; we therefore have no way of knowing if a baby or child that is not crying is in fact asleep, or is in what is known as a 'dissociative' state (meaning that the baby has 'withdrawn' in response to the stress caused by being left alone, with cries not being responded to, and has shut off their normal responses to being alone i.e. crying). If the baby who has settled following sleep training is indeed asleep, is their sleep 'normal' or is it different to that of babies who have not undergone the process? Research in this area has provided a general lack of information regarding the long-term effectiveness and consequences of sleep training interventions.”

I dont get whats 'controlled' about it?

They cry, you ignore

The control comes from a stop watch.

The research arguments are always so silly on these threads. They largely relate to a stress hormone but there isn’t an accurate measure of what that hormone even does. BF babies have around 40% higher levels of the hormone and no one suggests ffing over bfing because of that.

Just use your common sense and gauge your own baby. Some babies like cuddles to fall asleep and sleep contently if they’re near their parents, some like to sleep in a very sterile environment.

Personally, if it was my baby having a grumble, not an inconsolable sob, I’d leave them to it until I felt I was needed. But i only have one kid and he wasn’t a cuddly sleepy baby, that was too much stimulation for him.

I do think there’s something to be said for having a routine that helps everyone get a lot of sleep, especially as folk are a lot more pleasant to be around, regardless of their age

The control comes from a stop watch

It doesn’t actually. If you read Ferbers book on how to do it, you have to really listen to the baby and respond accordingly. The internet has warped it a good bit but the guidance is based upon their ages and how the baby is responding.

I do think there’s something to be said for having a routine that helps everyone get a lot of sleep, especially as folk are a lot more pleasant to be around, regardless of their age
Perhaps that's why Titty is so unpleasant

Only thing I can suggest is a brighter nightlight. We have Zazu the owl which automatically comes on if baby cries. Really useful.

I also cut up muslin squares (breathable!) into smaller squares and sewed satin round the edges and it bought real comfort to my daughter she holds it all night.

Although she has started solid food it could be hunger waking her and she may still need milk?

Maybe ask health visitor?