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Original poster

Some advice for the night re controlled crying

73 replies

sthitch · 06/03/2018 22:25

My 6m old isn’t settling well in her room after moving her out of ours on the weekend, she’s either terrified or laughing and shrieking in delight but not sleeping! Some of it I put down to also starting food - however her last “meal” is a lot earlier now and this settled, so now I think it’s the room.

Tonight my mum helped me by keeping me out of the room until around 7/8 mins where I went in, gave her the dummy and the crying stopped and she went to sleep. I’ve since read about the 2 mins then 4 mins then 6 mins etc - she wasn’t hysterical so should I continue waiting longer or should I try the above technique?

Also, she’s now waking in the night whereas before she would generally sleep 7-7- do I go straight for the controller crying or do I offer milk first/change nappy etc. Last night we were up for 2 1/2 hours, gave her milk and a nappy change, couldn’t get her to sleep and ended up having to lay on her floor for ages stroking her... I really don’t want to get into this habit! I also worry because her room is next door to my neighbours bedroom so I’m going to feel really bad about controlled crying in the night!

OP posts:
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Foxsox · 06/03/2018 22:59

As harsh as you might think titty is being, she's right.

You baby doesn't understand what you are doing.
Being a mum to a baby is hard.
Being a baby is hard too, they have no concept of what you are doing.

Controlled crying is horrible, I say that as I believed, naively, that it was what I was supposed to do with my first, I hated it and stopped almost as soon as I had started.
6 months is young, I sit with my 3 year old until He falls asleep
I don't have to sit with my 8 year old (she is happy to Fall asleep alone and has been for years)
They aren't little for long and whilst , yes, the nights and tears and dependency can be hard and relentless, it doesn't last forever and it will pass.
CC will go awry at the first illness/ leap/ new tooth etc and you will be back to where you are now. Set a nice comfortable routine that's not CC and be with you baby.

Flomy · 06/03/2018 23:02

I really don’t want to get into this habit!

Personally I would be saying this when DC was 24 months old, not 24 weeks.

Sparky888 · 06/03/2018 23:02

Typical MN thread. Sorry OP, you can’t get support here as MN only knows how to stick the boot in on this issue. I’d pick a book and stick with it’s advice. Good luck xx

Ifyouthinkiwillsleepyoudream · 06/03/2018 23:04

Don't let the negative responses affect you OP. Every mum and ever baby are different and nobody should be judging - as nobody knows the situation you are in better than you.

I don't have any advice sadly as when we transferred DS to his own room (age 7 months) it didn't make the least bit of difference to his sleep pattern. He used to wake up once during the night at the time, and he kept on doing it till he slept through at some point around 10-11 months. Proof again that every baby is different.

CC didn't work for us as it upset him more if he saw us... but we tried something else (when he was 10months though, so a little later) and it did. Instead of rushing into the room at every sigh or sound, I tried waiting a few minutes first. Turned out 9 our of10 times, he didn't need me and I was disrupting his sleep by going in. He just fell back asleep on his own in a few minutes

Sparky888 · 06/03/2018 23:04

Also Titty isn’t ‘right’ anymore than any other mother is ‘right’. There are a million ways to do everything/anything. Only MN thinks you don’t have free choice as a mother .....

Original poster
sthitch · 06/03/2018 23:06

Thank you @sparky888 and @ifyouthinkiwillsleepyoudream

OP posts:
TittyGolightly · 06/03/2018 23:06

Also Titty isn’t ‘right’ anymore than any other mother is ‘right’. There are a million ways to do everything/anything.

A million?!

Twocatsonebaby · 06/03/2018 23:09

Is she your first OP? I hope I didn't come across nasty. I'm still trying to get my head around making dd comfortable and finding what works for her. Sometimes it's instant and others it takes years for them to properly settle on their own. I know women who swear by different methods but you need to really find out what works for her. She's really young still so the night feeds will still be going most likely. Especially if she experiences the next sleep regression. My little one is 11 months and she's down to three bottles. But one and a half of those are at 2am. Not at all if we are lucky. But we have our own reasons for not having our dd in her own room. It's too cold and we have no heating in the bedrooms.
Personally, the recommended age is 6 months which you've done, but I'd keep going in, I always try and think of it from my dds perspective. I mean, she can see us but sometimes she still wakes up frightened crying etc. Her routine may change every now and again as the next few months go on. But it's trial and error. But for comfort if you haven't already, put a top of yours in her cot for her to have your smell and use as a comfort. She will still want you, but it's something familiar for her. But It sounds like she wasn't quite ready. I read about slowly easing them first. So playing with them in their own room etc. We are putting ours in when she's 1 but getting her familiar now :)

Original poster
sthitch · 06/03/2018 23:16

@twocatsonebaby

thank you- I would like to put a comforter in there but I worry about having anything in her cot.. even my hand if I’m helping to soothe her and I was to fall asleep(I’m sure I would just move my hand out but you never know and another reason why I wouldn’t co-sleep ever as I’m a heavy sleeper and wouldn’t know what I’m doing) - I know it’s probably a silly fear but I’m not ready to leave anything in her cot, during the day we have been playing in there and especially in the cot which she seems to love- she’s just not sure about the night time!

OP posts:
MrsArchchancellorRidcully · 06/03/2018 23:16

She's 6 months old. She's telling you in the only way she can that she needs you close. Stop telling her she won't be comforted when she cries. I couldn't do it, never could. Bring her back in with you, give her cuddles. If she needs sleep as she doesn't nap then having her in with you will give her that sleep. Give her a dummy. She won't still have it aged 15 I promise. Poor thing just wants and needs you.

Twocatsonebaby · 06/03/2018 23:21

Ah okay, maybe just put one of your tops down as a sheet? My little girl has had a stuffed cuddly lamb 0+ months that I put in her moses next to her with her or down the bottom of her crib that she finds comfort it.
My dd doesn't seem to like the dark that much.. Could it be that or do you have a nightlight in there?
I also really recommend myhummy. There's ewan the dream sheep too but I think myhummy comes on as soon as it detects movement. You can strap both to the bars of the crib. As soon as we bought dream sheep when dd was a week old, she slept through till the 4 month sleep regression

Pandoraphile · 06/03/2018 23:22

Bloody hell OP, the goady fuckers are out tonight!!

I think you have a perfectly reasonable question. It's a big change for her and I'd imagine you're wanting to get it right from the start. Not to mention wanting the sleep routine to stay the same! No one wants their baby to start night wakings again after sleeping through.

I'm afraid I don't have any useful advice - mine are far too old now to be interested in getting up during the night!

Original poster
sthitch · 06/03/2018 23:26

@twocatsonebaby yes totally agree with myhummy, that has really helped us and given some background noise that helps her to settle- I think a night light may help/The baby monitor has one but it’s not very bright so I will get a brighter one.

OP posts:
Original poster
sthitch · 06/03/2018 23:32

@pandoraphile thank you- exactly this, I’m trying to find a solution and to make it as best I can for her, it’s heartbreaking but she gets into a state even if she’s picked up and cuddled, once she’s at this overtired stage it doesn’t really do much even putting her in our bed.

OP posts:
Pandoraphile · 06/03/2018 23:46

Does she still have the same routine? Bath, bottle, bed, etc.? I'd be inclined to carry on with what she knows and gently persevere with controlled crying. I'm sure you know this already but comfort her without engaging. I probably wouldn't offer milk either because she might end up waking for that bottle.

Let us know how she goes.

teaandbiscuitsforme · 07/03/2018 05:36

You might think posters are being goady and not be getting the answers you want but I really wish people who insist on CC would think about what they would be saying if this was a report about practices in a care home with disabled adults or elderly people? Is it really ok to leave a vulnerable human to cry, alone and confused, with no comfort until they fall asleep?

And yes I do feed to sleep and cosleep with mine but manage to do it without one constantly hanging off me. My 14mo slept through the night in his own bed after a feed at 7 and my almost 3 year old slept through the night in her own bed after a story. HTH Hmm

ShackUp · 07/03/2018 06:09

OP read a book called Why Love Matters. It looks at the role of cortisol in the developing brain.

There's a reason why you hate it when your baby cries.

DreamingofSunshine · 07/03/2018 06:25

sthitch we built up to CC, tried gradual retreat first which helped with the room changes.

Hang in there. As you've seen CC isn't for everyone but then cosleeping was a disaster for me so we all need to do what suits us best as parents.

TittyGolightly · 07/03/2018 06:38

we all need to do what suits us best as parents

Do we? Why not put some of our own needs aside for the babies we chose to bring into the world?

LeaderoftheAteam · 07/03/2018 06:51

Recommendations are no CC before 12 Months because your baby is attempting to build a bond with you that relies on your responsivity and meeting their needs. How often is she waking at night that you feel the need to CC. You have introduced a number of changes in a short amount of time which she obviously isn’t responding well to. If it feels wrong- it is. 6 Months is hard!! But it is all just a phase and will pass.

jkl0311 · 07/03/2018 06:55

From a more practical point, do you have a comforter teddy with her at all times in the cot? White noise sheep? What's her bedtime routine? It needs to be consistent daily. Do you use a dummy? How does she normally fall asleep?
Where you say she's not a great napper and a bad sleeper at night I feel CIO isn't the route yet.... I think we need to make sure your DD has everything in place for the cues to learn to self settle, and just to let you know most babies cognitive development only allows them to learn self soothing from 6-9months that is why many people leave CIO until 9months plus.

So in short OP @sthitch tell us about the routine and cues so baby puts together in there head it's sleep time.

Flomy · 07/03/2018 07:14

I dont think its the overtired stage, its because she is so distressed.

Bedtime should be relaxing, cuddles, milk, etc.

FortheloveofJames · 07/03/2018 07:15

issue with anything that isn’t pampering to their child looking at their other posts.

Babies can’t be pampered- meeting their needs isn’t pampering. Grown adults sleep together in the same bed, it’s not hard to understand that a tiny baby might struggle with sleeping alone. I understand it must be frustrating when you have been BLESSED with a baby that previously slept 7-7 however baby sleep isn’t linear. It goes up and down in the first years due to developmental leaps, regressions, teething, growth spurts etc. Perfect sleepers can become frequent wakers at anytime and vise versa. 6 months is a very common time for a major growth spurt. It may just be a phase, in which case ride it out.

If she’s struggling with the new room then I’d try bringing her back in and then trying again a bit later. I’m pretty sure that she won’t be doing it at 29 Wink

Chosenbyyou · 07/03/2018 07:22

I randomly agree with titty! :)

I wouldn't ignore my 3 year old crying in the night - she needs me.

So why would I ignore my 11 month old crying in the night- he needs me.

If I was crying in the night I hope my DH wouldn't ignore me!

Each reason for crying is valid. They are not just doing it to annoy you at six months...they need you for whatever reason.

pipnchops · 07/03/2018 08:15

It's so difficult op and the advice is to move them into their own room at 6mo but that doesn't mean it's going to go smoothly or they're going to like it.

You have three options: move her back into your room for a bit longer, keep her in her room but go into her when she cries and stay with her until she settles, or controlled crying. I agree with others that she's a bit young for cc but then again, this is only opinion and I've read advice that you can start sleep training from 6 months.
There is so much conflicting advice and you just have to do what's right for you and your family. It's such a minefield though. The right thing to do is whatever gets you all the most amount of sleep with as little distress as possible!
Whatever you do, it won't be like that forever. Children and their habits change constantly so get ready for the rollercoaster and sleep deprivation with a healthy side order of guilt thrown in, whatever you do!