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Original poster

Please help with bedtime nightmare (older DC)

34 replies

grounddown · 18/01/2018 21:12

My DC are 5 and 6 and share a room. They go to bed at the same time (I'm a lone parent so it's just easier that way) and have plenty of warning that bedtime is coming at 7.30.

I give them a snack if they want one (toast usually) a warm milk drink and we go upstairs, do teeth, toilet, story time and then I ask them to lie down - then all hell breaks loose. Mom can I have a drink, mom can I have a wee, mom can I have my teddy/school bag/the cat it's endless. I always cover all these bases before bedtime so we have the teddies etc sorted but it's become a stalling tactic.

I turn off the light and go downstairs and then the talking and laughing happens. If I left them to get on with it they would talk until midnight. I feel bad because if I lived in a bigger house I may not hear them but this house is pokey and I can hear it all and it gets me really frustrated.

I shout up and tell them if it continues I'll turn off the landing light, it continues so I turn off the light and the screaming starts. I go upstairs and calmly let them know that if they want the light to stay on they need to be quiet, I turn the light on and the chatting continues. Bloody hell. I turn it off, the screaming starts again, I reiterate my message and the cycle continues with me getting louder and then it ends up with me shouting up the stairs like a foghorn. 90 minutes later they are quiet but it's 9 o'clock and we are all done in. I have to drag them out of bed at 7 in the morning because they are so tired.

Am I truly rubbish at this? They are a delight the rest of the time, it's just bedtime and I shout and shout and then sit here and feel awful. Please help, I need tips as this has been going on a while now.

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Original poster
grounddown · 18/01/2018 21:16

I wish I could just leave them to talk as my brother and I used to have lovely conversations at bedtime and I don't remember my mom shouting up the stairs to us. They are talking about their days and their mates etc, not pltoting to poison my coffee or anything. I feel really bad now

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Notasperfectasallothermners · 18/01/2018 21:16

Better behaviour would be achieved from the oldest if he had some big brother status - ie half an hour later bedtime!!
Gives the younger one wind down time in bed. And you some 1-1 with both.

Story with younger, then with older!! May seem trivial but bet it makes a difference!
Star chart for better bed time behaviour with a reward at the week end!!

Original poster
grounddown · 18/01/2018 21:20

OK, yes I could totally try that and my oldest would like that as the youngest takes up a lot of my time as he's the handful out of the two.
I will definitely try that tomorrow and see what the little ones reaction is, a star chart will help me persuade him.
Thank you!

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Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 20:43

Didn't work :(
Thinking about giving them their own rooms and sharing with the youngest. It's a 2 bed so I wouldn't have my own room which I'm not fussed about.

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Believeitornot · 21/01/2018 20:46

Leave them to share.

Let them talk at the weekends to see what actually happens. I would also sit with them for a bit longer. If you treat bedtime as trying to get them to sleep so you get peace, it just doesn’t work and you get stressed.

Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 20:50

That's exactly what happens, I want them to go to sleep so I get a bit of time to myself after work and to do my OU stuff. They do want me to sit with them but I used to do that (until about 18 months ago) and it was soul destroying.
It's me at my worst and they sense it and use it to get negative attention? I need to change my attitude don't I. ....

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sausagerole · 21/01/2018 20:50

If I were you, I'd:

  • warn them that you're not going to go back and forth with the landing light, if they want it on they need to stay quiet in their beds
  • turn the landing light off if they chatter
  • ignore the fuss made about turning the landing light off, it's designed to keep you engaging and dragging out bedtime further!

It'll be hard the first few nights, but remind yourself that they can't genuinely be upset about the light being off because you've given them a choice and that was the choice they made! They might still chatter eventually, but it'll stop all the back and forth that is exhausting you and winding them up further.

sausagerole · 21/01/2018 20:52

Alternatively, could you start one child off in your bed and then move them back once they've fallen asleep? They could always take it in turns.
Or is it possible to make bedtime a bit earlier, to allow for chatting (this will also take the pressure off you of feeling like it's getting late and they should be asleep)

Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 20:53

Oh gosh,
The longest I've left the light off was about 5 minutes and they screamed so loudly that I text my neighbour to tell her what I was doing so she didn't panic. I'd also left the bathroom window open so was terrified of all the neighbours thinking I was hurting them or something Confused

I need to get badass with them don't i and do some no nonsense parenting.

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sausagerole · 21/01/2018 20:54

Star charts that we've found really useful before are ones that are related to a small treat but require more stickers to earn a treat the longer you go on. The first sticker gets a treat, but the next treat requires two stickers, the next three etc. This worked well as just stickers wasn't enough to motivate my two!

Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 20:55

No kids in my bed - it's my one rule. I found a worm on a plate under my pillow once and they haven't been allowed in there since

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Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 20:56

Sticker charts and stronger parenting it is then - I'll need a sticker chart myself!!

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sausagerole · 21/01/2018 20:56

Hahaha, I've so been there! The first few times is the worst, but they'll realise you mean business soon enough.

If you want to relax a bit at weekends you could, just leave them chatting - you might even find that with a few nights of it not being an issue it loses it's appeal anyway (though I wouldn't want to try it on a weeknight!)

Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 20:56

Thank you

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sausagerole · 21/01/2018 20:58

Ewwww! I don't blame you after that! And yes, do warn the neighbours and brace yourself for it to get ugly - just remember that they have a choice!

Runlovingmummy81 · 21/01/2018 20:59

Maybe start the bedtime slightly earlier too. My 5 and 6 year old go to bed at 7 and 730. Good luck!

Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 21:00

I'll text the neighbour and try it tomorrow night, the oldest is asleep now and the little one is singing quietly so I'm going to leave it be now.
Thank you :)

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PurpleTraitor · 21/01/2018 21:03

Have you asked them?

I know that to some people that will sound obvious, and to others it will sound bonkers.

But really, ask them. At a quiet, happy time. Maybe separately if that helps them to talk. Explain the problem, how it affects you, how it makes you feel (frustrated, not able to get on) how you feel it affects them (tired, being shouted at before sleep, etc)

See what they say. I have a lot of success with writing down the solutions and suggestions they come up with. See what happens. They might surprise you.

Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 21:14

I have asked why they won't go to sleep many times but it's usually at that moment just before I think my heads going to explode with frustration.
I will ask them when we are quiet and calm and see what they say. I have explained that they have all day to talk, we go to bed to sleep etc etc but they like to ignore all that. They are lovely children though and I hate this night time crisis we are having.

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RumerGodden · 21/01/2018 21:20

Can you let one of them go to sleep in your bed and just transfer back to their bed when you go to sleep? We used to do that, the oldest would keep the youngest awake until he was overtired and lost it, then he would keep everyone awake.

Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 21:24

They would argue about who got to go in my bed, I've never allowed that. It is an option but I think they would faff too much

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Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 21:27

They both naturally need different amounts of sleep. DD (oldest) slept through early on and needs at least 12 hours sleep and she never wakes in the night. DS didn't sleep through until he was nearly 3, wakes quite a bit and just doesn't need that much sleep. He's always up first and sometimes I'm surprised to find he's still awake when I go to bed about 10 he's just been playing quietly in bed. Perhaps their own rooms would be better.

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Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 21:28

I am looking for a bigger place with 3 bedrooms but we really, really love our house and i'm a bit skint at the moment.

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Believeitornot · 21/01/2018 21:32

You can stay with them a little bit then go.

I’d also have a light for them - we have the bathroom light on or they have night lights in their room.

The calmer I am the better the bedtimes. I had an epiphany when I had weeks of awful shouty bedtimes. It didn’t make them sleep any quicker so took a calmer approach and it really worked.

Original poster
grounddown · 21/01/2018 21:36

They have fairy lights in their room and the landing light is very bright.
I must stay calmer, I do have PMT so perhaps that is exacerbating it. This can't go on

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