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Sleep

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Original poster

11 year old scared of dark

34 replies

GoosePimple100 · 29/08/2017 21:47

DS was always great sleeper and been perfectly content to go to sleep in the dark. Then a year ago aged 10 he sees a horrible online game at a friends house - 5 Nights at Freddy's - and his sleep's been unsettled since. Weve tried leaving door open, reading settling bedtime stories, nighlight, low level lamp but problem rumbling on. With the light, he insists on it being so bright (or turning on main light) that he does go to sleep but has poor quality sleep so gets very tired & irritable. So light hasnt been a solution, it leaves him shattered. He can talk quite rationally about it during the day - that he knows hes safe in the house & he doesnt really think anything bad will happen - but each bedtime its same story. The only way he'll go to sleep 'normally' is if someone else sleeps in the room - weve resisted this because didnt want it turning into a habit. Weve tried the doc who said its fairly common but huge wait to see a psych. He loves his bedroom so its not the room itself he doesnt like. Anyone come out the other side?

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Nemesia · 29/08/2017 21:53

I am going through exactly the same thing with my ten year old. Exhausted with the constant coming down stairs at bedtime and the interrupted nights i decided to put a plan into action.
Like yours my son is rational during the day but loses all logical thought in the middle of the night. So now I let him have 30 mins or so reading then I sit with him (bedside light on) until he falls asleep. If he wakes in the night and can't use any of his strategies to get back to sleep then he can come down to my room and creep in and sleep on a blow up bed. This causes the least disturbance to my sleep.
He also has a chart- 5 nights in a row of sleeping through and he will get a reward!

Nemesia · 29/08/2017 21:54

I also turn his bedside light off once asleep but leave his door open and the hall light on.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 29/08/2017 21:57

I'm still pretty scared of the dark now (I'm 33) but when I was younger but not really young maybe up until I was about 14 or so I used to go to sleep with the big light on and my parents would turn it off when I was asleep and so therefore oblivious. Could you try that?

FATEdestiny · 29/08/2017 21:57

With the light, he insists on it being so bright...

I would not, for any reason, be denying him light of that helps him feel more safe and secure.

How about a dimmer switch in the main overhead light switch?

I would be doing whatever he needs to feel safe. For what it's worth my 13 year old DD has always slept with the overhead light on and still does. My 11 year old DS sleeps with a proper lamp on, it's fairly bright. Both sleep well like this. They just prefer the light.

mineofuselessinformation · 29/08/2017 21:58

Wouldn't be worth fitting a dimmer switch on the bedroom light?
You could ask him how low you could turn it down, and I suspect he would slowly allow you to set it lower...

Hunkle · 29/08/2017 22:02

My DD is younger, but we use a Gro-light.

Im going to get one for the hallway as well.

The brightness is adjustable too. It took about 30 seconds to put it up, in her bedroom.

m.johnlewis.com/gro-company-gro-light-2-in-1-night-light/p/1201107

Pinkkahori · 29/08/2017 22:02

I recently bought a book called 'What to do when you dread your bed' because my 8 year old likes me to stay with her til she is asleep and i want to break the habit.
We haven't started yet but I've had a read and it looks interesting.
It uses magic tricks to explain learning different techniques.
There us definitely help in it for worries about the dark

FATEdestiny · 29/08/2017 22:04

I thought of something else...

If he needs the light on fully to feel safe, you could try him with light on but eye mask. That way he's in the dark to sleep but can lift the eye mask at any time to see a bright room if he needs the reassurance.

I really dislike the idea of light on to go to sleep and switched off once asleep. I am scarred because this is what my parents did when I was scared of the dark. But going to sleep at bedtime was (relatively) far less scary than knowing you are awake in the dead of the night, everyone else is asleep, you are alone and in the dark.... that is the time reassuring light is most needed.

Nemesia · 29/08/2017 22:09

In our case FATE, the hall light is the reassuring light- he faces directly onto the landing. It is a catch 22 though as the more light there is, the more likely he is to wake up in the night!

Original poster

GoosePimple100 · 29/08/2017 22:12

Ive tried all different levels of lighting - I wouldnt leave him with no light at all when i know he is scared. But he must wake umpteen times a night because the times my DH has turned off the main ceiling light because he has fallen asleep, its always on again afterwards. He must be getting very little deep sleep and boy it shows the next day. We leave the landing light on all night. Weve tried lower power bulbs too. Good idea about eye mask, hadnt thought of that. The last week hes woken up a few times crying his eyes out with no idea why. Im putting that down to transition to high school. But the trigger was definitely that blasted game. We are very careful about what hes allowed to view at home but here we are.

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Original poster

GoosePimple100 · 29/08/2017 22:13

Thanks Hunkle - we tried a Gro light too but not enough light he says.

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Original poster

GoosePimple100 · 29/08/2017 22:17

FATE I know some people can sleep ok in full light but he really cant. His tiredness makes his concentration at school erratic and really impacts on his overall behaviour.

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Nemesia · 29/08/2017 22:24

My son says the problem is that when he closes his eyes he can see the scary images (shown to him by his pals on school computers when they were meant to be doing homework at a lunchtime!). But if someone is with him it makes it less scary. When he wakes in the night it is the same problem so he has to come and find me (so we are both awake hurrah!).

PocketNiffler · 29/08/2017 22:28

I got scared of being kidnapped around the same age. Slept on my mum's floor for a while then one day went back to my own bed without fanfare.

debbs77 · 29/08/2017 22:31

I'm 39 and genuinely petrified of the dark

expatinscotland · 29/08/2017 22:32

I'd just indulge him and sit in there with him if need be or sleep in the same room.

Ohyesiam · 29/08/2017 22:33

I took my ds to see a psychologist privately, for a different fear related issue. £150 later, and all our lives are improved. If you can afford it, don't hesitate.
She used a totally different approach to all the kindly advice here. Sometimes professionals can really do it.
Hope it gets resolved soon.

Anecdoche · 29/08/2017 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WildImaginings · 29/08/2017 22:38

I'm 26 and I hate the dark. I always have.

I'm ok if I'm sleeping in the bed with someone, but I generally leave the landing light on. I know you've said that's not enough light for him at the moment...

What about a bedside lamp? A proper bedside lamp, not a night light.

Will brighten up the room a lot more than the landing light, but slightly less than the main light? Could be a good place to start. Apologies if this has already been mentioned.

AtSea1979 · 29/08/2017 22:38

No experience of this with my kids but myself, I'm 37 and still have the odd nights (about once a week) where I feel irrationally scared of the dark (single parent, no other adults in house).
As a teenager I was so jumpy at night. I remember the feeling of lying there so scared, sweating whilst my parents shouted at me and switched the light off etc.
Please be kind to your child and just let him sleep with the light on. If it's disturbing his sleep, he will eventually be so tired he'll sleep through etc. He probably just needs routine and he'll sleep better with light on.

WildImaginings · 29/08/2017 22:39

Sorry, and meant to say in my last message, putting the lamp slightly further across the room, rather than on his bedside table. Less harsh on his eyes, but still a bright room.

crumpet · 29/08/2017 22:43

We have the little night lights from ikea. They can be set to different colours, and have little faces on - ours have names which makes them have an even friendlier feel ("Is Reggie on"/"what colour do you want Reggie tonight" etc etc) which seems to help. They are also rechargeable so can be set anywhere in the room

Viviennemary · 29/08/2017 22:45

I wasn't a timid or nervous child but I was scared of the dark at night. Didn't like being in the house alone even in late teens. Still don't like if I have to spend the night alone which is hardly ever. I've read a bit about it. And it's a primevil thing apparently. But you are in the house. Try to reassure him without making a fuss. And nightlight if he wants it.

thatorchidmoment · 29/08/2017 22:59

Would fairy lights/ decorative string of lights help? I know lots of them are considered 'girly' but cable and cotton do lovely customisable strings with ball-shaped lights that could fit with whatever colour scheme his room is. It's possible they might not be bright enough but they do 'spread' more than a single bulb and might be comforting but less stimulating than a brighter one.

I know this might sound silly, but something to cuddle? At least it would be present through the night. Does he have any old toys that might be comforting without making him feel too babyish?

Would audio books help him drop off and be a distraction from the frightening images that might be running through his head?

I really hope you find something that helps. I remember my art teacher showing our class the Scream film without asking for adults' permission when I was about twelve and I found it utterly terrifying and had disturbed sleep for a couple of weeks. I can't get my head round the appeal of anything horror related at all, in fact. Obviously this is much worse than my experience, but I really feel for your DS.

fruitpastille · 29/08/2017 22:59

I'm sitting in my ds' bedroom yet again with exactly the same issue! If he wakes in the night later he often joins us. It is having quite a negative effect on all of us really as dh and I get little adult time together in the evening and our sleep is often disturbed too.

I second the book a pp mentioned 'What to do when you dread your bed'. Ideal for this age group imo and it provided DS with reassurance that he was 'normal' for want of a better word. It can be hard to stick to the techniques consistently though.

We actually have a referral from GP and appointment is tomorrow so I will share any wisdom afterwards...

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