Would You Use Controlled Crying?

[LittleNapRefuser]

My baby boy (6 and a 1/2 months old) has been a rubbish napper since around 8 weeks when he went from being able to sleep on me, if not put down, to finding the world a bit too interesting to nap. He sleeps well at night (not at the moment as we are in Leap 5/6 Month Growth Spurt hell) and goes down in his co sleeper sleepy but still a bit awake in a sleepyhead wearing a Swaddle Up between 7:00 and 8:00 and wakes for a feed around 3am then 5am and can usually be persuaded to go back down until 6am.

Up until two weeks ago (from 2-6months ish) I would have to walk him endlessly up and down the hall in the baby carrier for every nap. This started because he had severe silent reflux so wouldn't sleep on his back during the day. He didn't like his pram for this reason and we switched him to the seat attachment early which he tolerates now if he's looking around but not for sleeping. Bouncy chair and swing didn't work for him either despite spending a lot of money trying different options and for a while the carrier worked okay. He would nap on his dad after lots of jiggling but never on me unless in the carrier. It was really destroying my back wearing him for every nap and then around two weeks ago that stopped working too.

In the carrier his naps had been roughly at 8:00/11:00/2:00/4:00ish (this nap is now usually on my back whilst walking dogs) so I decided that I would try and go upstairs for naps in the dark with his white noise and other sleep cues etc. But now he barely naps at all and if he does he will only nap if latched on the whole time (which hurts after a while!). Even then, lots of the time his eyes are not properly closed and he doesn't wake up refreshed. We tried a dummy persistently from around 3 weeks and he wouldn't take any, MAM were the closest but he never took them properly despite being a very sucky baby.

My gut says he doesn't have a way to self settle and the feeding him throughout naps is not helping.

I can't go back to the carrier naps because they weren't working and frankly it was painful for me to carry him for every nap. I am starting to wonder if controlled crying for naps is my only option. It's not how we've parented so far but for his sake, he needs better quality day sleep and I need to not be in pain. What would you do? I have no confidence in my parenting decisions now because I have clearly set my DS up to fail by carrying him in the carrier for every nap. I felt it was right at the time but now I feel awful.

I think people use controlled crying as an absolute last resort and also not at that age. I wouldn't do it personally you haven't set him up to fail you've been and instinctive mother hen and that is FINE! There are other more gentle things you can try first. You can slowly wean off feeding to sleep for example if it is a problem for you. But to answer your question, no I wouldn't do CC and think there are other ways along with patience x

My two babies had silent reflux and it's horrendous for everyone, young and old alike.

They're in agony. They're also so tired they are in 'overdrive' and too tired to sleep (unless pinned down in a car seat or pushchair, but even then, not without a fight).

I couldn't bring myself to do controlled crying, as they have a really good reason to be upset. I couldn't leave them to cry because of exhaustion, without giving comfort. There are other ways.

All this bollocks about teaching them to sleep isn't for everyone. I always felt that comfort over sleep is needed for pain. They grow out of it and emerge as good little sleepers once that awful reflux has stopped. It's hard for you though. Can you do 'shifts' and give each other a night off? Or even pay someone to help out. Anything to get YOU through it as well as them?

I have no confidence in my parenting decisions now because I have clearly set my DS up to fail by carrying him in the carrier for every nap. I felt it was right at the time but now I feel awful.

I disagree with you. I think you should have confidence in your parenting decisions because you carried your DS. It is instinctive to be there for them. You probably sensed he was in pain.

Looking on objectively I think a Mum who does that is making the right decision. Even children who have CC used on them have sleep regressions. It's normal and so difficult. You haven't done anything wrong and made anything harder, it really annoys me people tell each other that.

I promise you, when your DS is sleeping fine, you'll be so glad you did make that choice. But I understand how hard it is at the time. Hang in there, it goes before you know it. It really is a stage and sleep deprivation is so hard.

Thank you for commenting! I should clarify that he doesn't suffer with silent reflux anymore, I obviously wouldn't leave him to cry knowing he was in pain. I mentioned it because that's why we used the sling and then later the carrier during those early few months and then it became the only place he would fall asleep. Weaning early and time as well as being able to sit up all made a huge difference and he is no longer medicated.

He's still only so little!

crazycatlady5 Thank you, I have no issue with feeding to sleep in fact that's sometimes what we do st night and certainly for night wakings. But he doesn't feed to sleep for naps, just stays latched in without falling properly asleep and so becomes more upset as the day continues.

I would put your baby in a cot and see how it goes you can do gradual retreat a baby crying for a few mintues is not a huge deal if you are there

DodgyGround Tjsnk you for your kind words. Night sleep is manageable, he's quick yo go back down and DH gets up with me or without waking me if possible.

I know he needs more day sleep because he was having it in the carrier and I can tell he's tired. As the silent reflux isn't an issue now and he sleeps well in his back I do feel he needs to nap. I wouldn't mind holding him for naps if he napped but he doesn't and di hr gets incredibly upset. Even though the carrier for every new gave me severe back pain I would have continued if it hadn't stopped working. Something has to be change but I'm not sure what else to try.

My experience is that controls crying can be very helpful for an exhausted parent, but didn't really make much difference to the wellbeing of a baby.

I let my kids sleep through in their own time, and it was pretty grim for a while, but it did teach me that I didn't need to micromanage them and they would reach the appropriate developmental stages in their own time if I have them the opportunity opportunity.

Sorry for the typos! In the dark!

Does he have a pram or just the sling?

You could try (which helps with my notoriously nosy, high needs light sleeping baby) a pitch black room with loud white noise and feed lying down. Give it a go? Might not work but works for us xx

Have you tried white noise? My DS struggled to nap during the day - eventually the thing that worked best was pushing him around the block in the pushchair until he got sleepy, then parking him in the kitchen with the cooker hood on its loudest setting.
We were advised so many times to let DS cry it out because he couldn't sleep at night without breastfeeding, wouldn't take milk from a bottle or cup and wouldn't settle for DH. I refused to do it and now at 14 months he does all those things because he's developmentally ready for it, and I'm so glad we didn't bother sleep training.

I should also clarify that as I said in my OP it's not night sleep that concerns me- not bothered about him sleeping through or anything. It's thr naps that are the issue.

We do use a white noise app which we've been using since around 6 weeks and It's a great sleep cue at night but doesn't do much during the day for naps even though I still play it.

Controlled crying / gradual retreat / whatever you want to call it changed my life. I thought it was the work of the devil and no reasonable parent would do it until I got so desperate, I tried it.

It took about 5 nights for my DC1 to start settling quickly. It transformed the well being of the whole family.

It was hideous initially and there were lots of moments of doubt but I would say all babies are different and you will know when you've exhausted all other options. DC2 in contrast was an excellent sleeper and happily settles without any fuss. I realise that the advice given to me by some parents weren't universally applicable and your baby will have their own needs.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Why does everyone confuse controlled crying with cry it out?

Controlled crying made a world of difference to my exhausted, over stimulated baby. Within a matter of days she slept well and was happy and settled. She cried less in the day because she wasn't exhausted from lack of sleep. She became happy to go to bed and happy to wake up.
I really don't understand why cc is demonised. I did it at 6 months and it worked beautifully.
I'd be taking advice before trying with a baby with reflux though. Professional advice, that is, not from an online forum.

I'm not sure that any kind of sleep training works that well for naps, though happy to be corrected. Both my babies have been terrible day sleepers and good night sleepers and with DD1 I tried everything but she didn't nap properly until she was developmentally ready at about 9 months. DD2 is 4 months and the same but this time I'm not fighting it. We do our days and if she naps all well and good and if not she goes to bed at 6. The only way I get a nap out of DD2 is if I take her to bed with me or occasionally in the pram or car. Hang on in there and I think it will get better (I know that's tough).

In your position (which I was in 8 weeks ago - a sling napper who started refusing even that with me, and my back was killing anyway) I would try:

• Make sure he is full of food / milk at nap time. Forget EASY!
• Start the Pantley Pull off at bedtime and for all naps / night wakes (unlatching just before he sleeps, and gradually while more and more awake - look this up) to teach him that he can sleep without being on the boob. They learn it more easily at night as the sleep drive is stronger, but then it can carry over to day naps. Eventually you should be able to shush/pat him off to sleep, though perhaps directly after a bfeed still. Message me if you want more detail. Or have a look at the No Cry sleep Solution - (though I appreciate it may not work for everyone)
• Try sleeping bag for naps as a sleep cue
• Continue with dark room and white noise, or experiment with gentle music if that works better
• Introduce a lovey for him to cuddle

Good luck, and have faith that you will work out exactly what he needs! Crying alone to sleep only teaches them not to cry when they need help - basic operant conditioning. It does not teach them to sleep or "self-settle" earlier. This stage is so hard on us mums, but is unfortunately normal for many babies to go through.

@confusedandemployed...controlled crying is "graduated extinction", CIO is "extinction". Both extinguish the reflex to cry out when they need assistance.

Because you are having reasonable nights, I would be worried that doing cc for naps might screw that up.

Will he nap if you cuddle down together in bed?

I think 'extinguishing the need to cry out for assistance' is not something that is going to happen to most babies!
It can happen in a situation of fairly extreme neglect, which is the opposite of what we're hearing about here.

My DC had an undiagnosed CPMA until nearly 6 months. He did not sleep. At all. Once it was diagnosed (as one of the worst cases the dietician had seen despite being told by my GP I was just overreacting after a traumatic birth) my DC really struggled to nap. He just didn't know how so would get to the point of utter exhaustion and scream. I felt like the worst parent in the world. I have so much sympathy with how you feel.
Two things. At 6 months my DC was transitioning between nap times. Once we got them settled it was every two hours, then 3 times a day, then twice a day. It may be that this transition is complicating things. From memory the naps were around 9/10, 1 and a cat nap at 4. I did use controlled crying on my DC. I never left him for more than 5 minutes, he would always settle when I went back in. I disagree with Grayfig. My son absolutely knows to cry for me if he needs me. What controlled crying achieved was enabling him to understand that it was ok to have some time switched off from the world. He benefited so much. When I look at the pictures of when his CPMA was undiagnosed / not napping well and then once he was diagnosed and napping the comparison is heartbreaking.
It's absolutely up to you what you choose to do but I just wanted to share my experience of CC as it gets a really negative review (or people get flamed) on her. That was not my experience of it. I'm ashamed to say we didn't try it for night sleeping until my child was over 1, having endured 2 months of him waking up three times a night shrieking. With overtiredness. Because I had been using a bottle to try and soothe him, then cuddling him when that stopped working I genuinely think he had been waking up because he thought I want him too. But that's a whole other guilty story. I now have a DC that naps twice a day - 3 hours in total - without question, and sleeps 12 hours at night. If he needs me, he cries, and he knows I will go straight to him.
Good luck and please please don't feel bad. You clearly love your DC. Above all else they understand that.

my DD was not going to sleep well at night. she would cry for 45 mins while I tried to comfort her then eventually pass out in my arms.

I put her in cot left her to cry for 2 mins (you have to time it because at 20 seconds I felt that 2 mins had passed) then went in and said 'night night go to sleep' patted but didn't pick up. This went on 3 times the first night (6 mins) then got better by day 5 she went to cot happy and went to sleep.

It was easier for me because she was crying when I tried to comfort her anyway. My DD definitely learned to go to bed and she wasn't feeling abandoned.

She was a bit older than your wee one and this was at night time but just wanted to let you know CC can help.

For naps a walk in the pram helped both my kids. DS had to nap in pram in kitchen with washing machine on.

Don't doubt your parenting skills you are thinking about what is best for your baby which already means you are doing a great job.

I think that is rubbish. I've never known a baby stop crying if they need assistance just because they've been taught to sleep.

You know I am with other posters I wouldn't use it for naps either if he sleeps in his sling or on you for naps then that is ok