Compliant from the neighbours

[ftm1984]

Hello

We are currently sleep training our 9 month old baby girl. We live in a terraced house, so can hear loud noises from our neighbours on either side of us. Last night the neighbours started banging on our baby's bedroom wall to stop her crying. Well, it didn't help as it just made her cry more and when she was close to self-soothing herself back to sleep... They banged three times over the period of an hour.

I can understand how hearing a baby crying in the night would be frustrating (she's in the same house as us so I can hear her too!!), but would never bang on the wall of a neighbour with a crying baby.

In retaliation, I banged my fist against their wall too. I was simply doing exactly the same as what they'd done (but there wasn't a baby in that room).

I politely went to my neighbours this morning and asked why they'd banged on he wall and all I got was abuse. They accused me of:
Not consoling my baby (I went in at regular intervals to console her)
Failing as a mother (because I can't get her to sleep through the night EVERY NIGHT. So obviously I'm failing)
Struggling as a mother (?)
Not being maternal (because I didn't go in frequently enough to console her)
Being a liar (for saying we could hear their banging at the other end of the house, when we could)
Imagining things (hearing their banging at the other end of the house, when we could)

I walked away crying and feeling as though I'd been verbally attacked. We own our home, but the neighbours rent and I'm scared to see them again as I don't know what they'll do/say.

Please mums, what should I do???

Thanks in advance.

*wall not door

Can I please just reiterate that she wasn't crying for an entire hour. She was crying/whimpering on and off for an hour. Not scream at the top of her lungs.

Thanks for all your feedback

Why would they bang on the wall for whimpering? Are you saying they're banging for noises they can't actually hear?

That would be harassment.

What time of night is this happening?

We don't sleep train for more than an hour. And when I say 'sleep train' I mean let her cry for short intervals and then we go in and console her
I did feel sorry for you until I read this and now I feel sorry for your neighbours.

You don't want to be kept awake by your baby crying for an hour in the middle of the night, so why on Earth would they?

Crying and whimpering, not full blown screaming crying...

It was at 4am.

Well crying or whimpering OP it seems that it was loud enough to disturb your neighbours. Hardly surprising if the houses are not well soundproofed.

4am? That's not okay at all, sorry.

Sleep training doesn't really work anyway.

Ok, thanks for your feedback.

Sleep training works for some people (she's slept through the past couple of weeks...) and some people just don't agree with it. Each to their own.

Please can I asked that people's comments stay respectful of people chosen parenting styles.

I'd soundproof your party wall in your baby's room.

I think the fact that they have had children themselves may make them MORE upset by a baby crying/whimpering inconsolably than less. I know that before I had children I simply found babies crying/screaming as annoying, since children though I find myself desperately wanting it to stop/feel emotionally upset by it on a maternal level. I tried cc for one night with my eldest and it made him so distressed that he projectile vomited after only 6 minutes with 2 visits - knowing we could obviously hear him but we're ignoring him just made him more distressed. I vowed never to do it again - I for one would find it very distressing to hear a baby crying through the wall on and off for an hour without being able to do anything.
Please wait until calm and apologise and explain your methods. They may not realise that you are consoling them, but I do think their feelings are valid - I don't like being woken up through the night by my own baby - I certainly wouldn't appreciate being woken constantly by someone else's - particularly for the amount of time you describe.

Babymamma of course sleep training can work, people wouldn't try it otherwise. What a daft thing to say.

OP, I think that things like CC are fine at bedtime but in the middle of the night a different approach is needed, especially if it is disturbing the neighbours.

We live in a terraced street and a few doors down the parents are obviously sleep training their baby - all summer and whilst we have to keep the windows open so we don't asphyxiate ourselves for fresh air. I have a long commute and the sleepless nights we've had because we've been woken by a crying baby has been awful. At some point we were desperate for mum/dad to pick up the baby and try and pacify it. I thought those days were behind us. However, it is a job trying to get babies to sleep and I empathise but would not dream of tackling someone over something they have little control over because sleep training doesn't work and is distressing for all. No one wants a crying baby in the wee small hours. I wish you luck OP and hope you manage to settle things with your neighbours.

An hour is far far too long for a baby to be destressed. I would be very disturbed to hear that through a wall :-( And I would bang. Sounds like your neighbours cannot understand why someone would not console such a small baby.

An hour crying at four am is well out of order (unless you're trying to soothe her throughout of course). They were probably just dozing off every time she switched between whimpering and crying. You don't just get to pick a 'parenting style' and stick to it regardless of the impact on other people. I also think it was totally reasonable of them to ask if she could move rooms so she isn't disturbing them. You're sleeping on the other side of the house!

True enough OP we all have our own parenting styles and ideas but unless you live in the middle of nowhere ,with no neighbours you do have to make sure that what you do and how you do it is not anti social , and a baby crying / whimpering loud enough to wake the neighbours for an hour at 4am is anti social .

Honestly I have no idea what people are trying to achieve when they bang on the wall - do they think you haven't noticed your child is crying?? My cousin's neighbours started doing this and all it achieved was waking their other LO. You have my sympathy

Mumsnet has got to Judgy later.
Some people need to get off their high horses and focus on their own parenting rather than critise others

I have no idea what people are trying to achieve when they bang on the wall - do they think you haven't noticed your child is crying??
I am sure that their probably bang out of sheer frustration as the baby is still crying and not being comforted.

You need to understand that whatever your parenting style, letting a baby cry on and off for an hour an 4am is anti social for people who have to get up and work, it was unfair of you, 7pm okay, wee hours is not on

PP, but what you've failed to acknowledge is that we do go in and comfort her. She is not left to CIO with the extinction technique.

Spam88, thank you

Timetogrowup2016, I agree

Sympathies OP.

I live in a terraced house and hear noise from each side regularly, and I'm sure they hear us to. My view is that if you live in a terrace then you need to expect a certain level of noise and, to me, that includes babies crying.

If people were making excessive loud noise with music etc really, really late then I'd consider that antisocial and would be annoyed. But I really don't consider a crying baby antisocial, it's just a fact of life.

When dd has had the odd loud night and I've bumped into neighbours outside I've apologised for the noise. Their response? "No problem - that's what babies do" with a smile.

When babies of neighbours have cried a lot it never even occurred to me to complain! I felt sorry for them more than anything else. Yes, it's annoying, frustrating and a bit concerning at times. But I think complaining about it is just bizarre really.

I hope things improve soon OP.

First time you woke your neighbours up you should have then realised and not continued, if your baby is nine months are you going to disturb their sleep for the next four years?