How do I bond with my baby

[tayden79]

Hello
I'm new to this
My LO is nearly 10 weeks old. Having had him a few weeks early LO ended up in NNatal for two weeks. I was on adrenalin for those two weeks. At the unit everyday pretty much all day.

LO came home and every thing fine but then discovered reflux. Countless visits to gp and hospital. Finally prescribed special milk and gaviscon. Seems OK.

My thing now is I don't know how to be a mom. My life is not my own and I'm so overwhelmed with it all. When he cries it's so frustrating. I get angry and question my mothering capabilities. I can't cope with the crying. When LO wants milk it's got to be there right away. Changing LO bum more crying. Put LO in bouncer doesn't like it. I question do I love this child? What have I done? Why isn't this easy?

I feel sad crying anxious sleep deprived I can't even enjoy this experience. How do I bond? How do o grow to love LO. People say when you hold them for the first time there is a rush of love- where is my rush of love?

I want to fast forward 6 months so that it gets easier. People say these are the best times doesn't feel like it to me.

Does not get easier?

Anyone else experienced this or experiencing this thank you

I think it sounds to me like you need a bit of a babymoon.
Take baby to bed. Stay there all day - lots of cuddles, skin to skin, stare into his eyes, count his toes, nap and watch crap TV when he naps :)

I remember being so overwhelmed and depressed and just everything. I felt I had to be bloody doing something all the time, and just was not coping especially as she never fucking slept!
With dd2 when I felt the same, we took to bed for a weekend, and it did the trick. Not saying it will for you, but worth a try?

No, not everyone gets that first rush of love. I had a different experience to you but it involved a traumatic birth with poor aftercare, breastfeeding issues caused by a syndrome I didn't know I had and then undiagnosed cancer. So baby's first months were nothing like what I'd expected or planned. Bonding took time, a long time.
After all the trauma, after we did bond, I realised I wasn't the only one and gave myself a break. Please be kind to yourself. You have been through a lot.
Also, babies sometimes need to be with us more than we expected. Eg not being out down to sleep, put in bouncer etc. It's a shock to us but it seems common, and your baby was early so he is still younger than many, iyswim.
Take Care. And do what people told me I should have done, which was sleep when he sleeps.

I think being a parent is overwhelming, NOTHING prepares you for it and your life is never the same again. Some women become 'earth mothers' over night but many of us do not. Not all of us have that 'rush of love' - but it is something that is rarely talked about.

My advice would be different to Susan's - arrange for your DH/DP to take responsibility and take some time out - you do not have to be with your baby 24/7 - I only coped during those first few weeks/months by having some time to myself, to remind myself of the person I am, not just 'a mother'.

I don't think it's the best bit. I think it's the hardest part, adjusting to the change in your life. It's hard not to be overwhelmed but don't think everyone else is copying brilliantly because I'm sure they're not.

Is there someone you can talk to? Don't feel embarrassed to ask for help. Everyone struggles. Actually think these weeks are very hard. The novelty of having a new born has worn off so people aren't fussing over you like in the first few weeks, but you're still up every couple of hours and exhausted.

Ragwort - your advice is excellent for dealing with the lack of sense of self, and feeling overwhelmed. But my advice is to deal with the bonding - and there's no reason why the OP can't do both.
Personally I think most mothers find the initial weeks really hard - and no matter how much you are told it will change your life - you are never fully prepared for how completely it takes it over.

These are not the best times! They are incredibly hard. It will never be this hard again.
It sounds like you may have a touch of post natal depression. Please have a chat to your health visitor or doctor.

I could have written your post, virtually word for word. I didnt experience the rush of love either and resented this little thing that would just.not.stop. crying. And puking. It wasn't like the magical experience we learnt about in hypnobirthing. And NCT classes don't tell you what do when your baby has been in nicu and you can't breastfeed.
There is no magic solution just keep at it it WILL get better, promise. I felt 12 weeks was a huge turn around the corner, we all got in to a bit of a better groove and I started to like this little thing.

Do whatever it takes to get through a day. Watch crap telly with baby asleep on you. Get your OH to take them out for an hour while you sleep. Eat a fuck load of cake, accept all offers of help. Basically just be kind to and nuture yourself. You've done an amazing thing and need to look after yourself as well as the baby.

I felt like you op. My first baby cried all the time, had reflux and was never happy. The first six months of her life were the worst of mine.
Be kind to yourself. I wish I had spent a lot more time watching telly, eating biscuits and feeding the baby rather than trying to get out of the house so much etc. Relaxing and going to bed for a week is not such a bad idea.
I promise this will pass and you will bond. After six months, I fell in love and it just got better and better. She is now four and i love her so much it hurts. And I had another one after her so not all bad!
Those first few months can be overwhelming and hellish... It dies improve massively. Hang in there

Does not dies!

My DD had reflux and CMPA. The first few months were hell. It does get better, I promise. Take help where it's offered and try to remember it won't last forever.

DD got better and easier around 10 weeks, she's 9 months now but still on her prescribed milk but she's such a happy baby and the bond is now there.

Your first baby is the biggest change in your life and it takes a while to adjust. Don't worry about forcing a bond, just keep surviving and it will come

Oh get a Perfect Prep machine! Saves messing about with bottles and flasks of water whilst they're screaming

Sorry 12 weeks!!

The rush of love is such a myth for so many people. It took me 10-12 weeks to really feel I properly loved and bonded with my first baby and with my second baby it took probably about 6 months (he had many health issues etc). Now I would properly rip off my arms for either of them but it took time. Don't beat yourself up over it. It'll come.

I didn't have that bond for ages and also had no idea what to do. It won't be long until your son starts to smile and I found that really helped because I felt as if everything I was doing wasn't just a thankless task then.

I agree about getting a Perfect Prep machine for feeding. You haven't done anything to cause this and if you feel that you can't cope, do seek advice. My DD found having a dummy helped her reflux, so if you haven't already tried one it might be worth considering.

Finally, even if you don't feel like it, plaster a smile on your face and grin and laugh every time you change a nappy or feed etc. Babies copy us and having a baby smiling the instant it sees you can really help with the bonding.

Good luck and I hope things improve for you.

I wish there was more honesty about the lack of 'rush of love' - I certainly didn't feel it and clearly, different things work for different people. Being a parent is so tough and nothing prepares you for it - I can honestly say that being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, there is no 'rule book', we all parent differently, everyone judges you and none of us is 100 % right ............. good luck .

Thanks everyone for your replies. Much appreciated.
Luckily my HV has referred me to a maternal well being service and I have my first appt tomorrow. I also have great support from my mom and sister. LO dad lives away - he's good when he's here
Also have other counselling.
The reflux thing though is tough. He was prescribed omeprazole which didn't seem to work then prescribed gaviscon. But seems like he still reflux so gonna try omeprazole again. Anyone had experience with gaviscon or omeprazole? Sorry so many questions

My DD is on Gaviscon, Omeprazole and Aptamil Pepti. The gaviscon works by stopping them refluxing as much milk by thickening in the stomach and keeps spit ups to a minimum, the Omeprazole actually works to stop them producing so much stomach acid thus making the reflux that remains less painful for them. Both work hand in hand for us really well but you need to make sure the dose is right for the weight as if DD dose is too low she's up through the night again. I wouldn't imagine I'd see much of a difference if I just used one or the other, ime they are better together. Good luck!

It also takes a while for the drug to build uo in their system (omaprazole) do make sure you get him weighed regularly and check the dose as AJ says.

My DD found Gaviscon useless. Has ranitidine been suggested to try?

Thank u LO is on aptamil pepti too. I'm currently just putting one sachet of gaviscon in the bottle he weighed over 10lb two weeks ago. I wonder if I should be putting two sachets I'll start LO back on omeprazole. It's great learning others experiences

Hasn't been suggested as yet but I'm sure consultant said if gaviscon didn't work try ranitidine. What I might do is go back on the omerazole along with the gaviscon thank u

With gaviscon I found it doesn't matter too much as if you put 2 sachets in you have to make 8oz rather than 4. It doesn't stop all her reflux but I can tell when she hasn't had it as she brings up a lot more milk

Reflux is an absolute bastard and it sounds like you've had a really tough start.

Go easy on yourself. I did feel a rush of love at birth but then I had pretty severe pnd and it took me several weeks to feel halfway normal and truly bonded.
I think touch is very important- when you cuddle or stroke the baby, a hormone called oxytocin is released which helps this process. Plenty of skin to skin contact, grooming (stroking, etc) helps.

And also the advice to get a little you time every day is good. Plenty of you and baby time but also try to get even just half an hour to have a bath or read or whatever you want to do.

Having a newborn isn't likr the movies.,it's a huge shock to the system - take all the help you can get and be kind to yourself. You'll get there.

I don't know anything about reflux I'm afraid, but I do think your first is the hardest. It's such a shock to the system I was completely overwhelmed. Having 4 under 7 was actually easier
What I'm trying to say is don't worry. It's OK to be shocked and overwhelmed and (I used to hate it when people said this to me) but try to enjoy the little things, and it does get better!
You've sought help when you needed it, you're doing good

IT took me at least 3 months to 'bond' with my first daughter. And that was without 2 weeks in special care. I didn't have the rush of love with either of mine. Luckily I'd read quite a bit so was aware that that is completely normal and I knew I needed to just plough on through til the love grew.
The first few weeks of my first babies life were some of the hardest of my life so far. Sleep deprived, physically changed and exhausted, full of anxiety and stress. There were lovely times but so overwhelming.
Being on your own will also be having an impact. Having someone to share the day to day decisions and crying makes a big difference. I'm not sure how well I'd coped if my husband hadn't been there.
You sound like you are doing well and all the right things to ensure you and the baby will thrive.