What the hell am I doing wrong with my 3 month old??

[MickyMe]

Have name changed for this as so ashamed. Writing this in tears.

I have a 3 month old DS and 3yr old DD. I seem to be doing everything wrong with the baby. She takes ages to settle for sleep, wakes frequently, cat naps, screams all evening. I just can't do it anymore. Every day feels like a battle. I don't eat as I'm so anxious, I cry every day. My older DD gets neglected as I'm constantly in the room settling or resettling the baby. I feel so much guilt towards my 3yr old, she clearly feels left out and her behaviour has gotten appalling because of this. I know she is also picking up my stress and we 'argue' all the time now.

I'm obsessed with wake times, not letting baby get overtired etc but nothing works. I don't go out as baby won't sleep out and just cries and cries - sling, pram, car doesn't matter.

I have made a huge mistake having another baby. I had PND with the first one who was also a horrific sleeper and it's fair to say I nearly topped myself. It got better and in the toddler years she became my little buddy. WHY can't I see this will get better too?? I literally feel like I'm doing everything wrong and have no idea what I'm doing. I thought I could cope this time but clearly not. How can I make her sleep better? I want to run away or someone to take her who knows what they are doing.

I have a 5 yo and 3 month old and l feel guilt also, l think that's normal, please don't feel bad (or think you have to name change )

Naps - will ds nap in your arms? Dd2 will happily nap there but hates the pram. I sit in the room where the cot is and when she's asleep put her down. It doesn't help with time away from your dd but if you could do this consistently then his night sleep may improve. What does it look like now?

If you really are at the end of your tether and can afford it would you consider a sleep consultant? Feel free to PM me for the details of ones my friends have used.

Have you considered an allergy? Mine was like that and has cows milk protein allergy. I breastfeed and they can get it through the milk but obviously most formula is also dairy so they can get it either way.

My older DD gets neglected as I'm constantly in the room settling or resettling the baby.

How about baby in a bouncy chair for naps, in the room you are in with DD1.

I favour the bouncy chair in front of sofa and dummy mode of sleep. Foot bounce the baby while sitting on the sofa and having hands free to interact with older daughter at the same time.

The key to easy sleeping for us was getting baby to accept the dummy. Took some perseverance, but well worth it.

I'd also recommend you talk to your doctor about PND again

She may have an under developed mussel at the top of her stomach - which cauaes heartburn. So every time you lay her down she screams.
Cries for half hour, put down screams again?
So keep head above stomach. Towel under mattress, sleep in pram, car seat, bouncer.
This will right its self at 6 months.

Thanks everyone. I don't think it's an allergy or reflux as she only gets bad as the day goes on, leading me to think it's overtiredness.

Had another awful night and am now in tears already.

Woke up from her last nap (in my arms)at 730pm. Tried to get her upstairs for last bottle at 8pm. Queue screaming and crying. She eventually took it all. Tried to settle her to sleep and she didn't go off until 930pm. Then woke at 12pm, I gave her dummy. Woke at 1245pm so I fed her. Woke at 3 so dummy. Woke at 430 so I fed her. At each feed in the night she is acting starving hungry but then only taking 3oz! We never used to have all this screaming at bed time and waking for the dummy, it's worse now than when she was a new born.

Her naps were awful yesterday too.

This is all just unravelling to a big mess. I can't do it.

Also I have been back to Dr about PND and got anti depressants from a lovely Dr but he was a locum. My normal Dr when I went back for more gave me sleeping tablets??? And tried to lower my tablet dose. She is useless so no support there

Well name change fail

Is she hungry? My ds could never have gone more than 2-3 hours between feeds at that age. Could you try feeding every time she wakes?

Your GP gave your sleeping tablets?! Wow no words really for the utter uselessness of that. I think I would have screamed.
Op my heart goes out to you but you are doing nothing wrong. You have s high maintenance baby, that's hard, I've been there. Please be easier on yourself. Use a sling and a pram or a bouncy chair or whatever for naps. And you can still swaddle with the dummy, would that help? I would have fed at every wake too at that age.
She may have reflux too. How's your HV?

Have you tried feeding him every time he wakes up in the night? Might he be hungry?

The GP was just awful. I didn't hold back and sobbed my heart out to how I was feeling. I tried to tell her sleeping tablets were pointless but she just kept banging on about getting more sleep .. Round and round in circles so in the end I just nodded and said ok. Needless to say I haven't taken them!

Thanks everyone for your words. I will try feeding more. She is FF and suffers with a lot of wind that she can't bring up so always anxious at just feeding. I just wish the guilt would go away that I'm doing something wrong. I can't spend time with my older one without constantly being on edge that the baby will wake early from her nap. I'm so pathetic!! Why can't I just get on with it and get a grip. Older DD seems to be constantly in front of the TV these days. I don't think the bouncy chair would work as the baby is so nosey, any little sound keeps her awake. Plus older one just wants to cuddle and kiss her all the time

I'm so down I just want to cry and cry but have to put on a sunny appearance for the older ones sake. I feel I don't love the baby at all, I just see her as a problem that needs to be fixed. Poor baby, I'm such a horrible person

Do you know what the tablets are called? Its just that some anxiety and antidepressant drugs cause drowsiness and sleepiness but are not actually sleeping tablets. The nature of some mental health medication having a calming effect is that you sleep more. It might have just been that that the doctor was explaining

Don't worry about the name change - 'owning' a problem is the first step to solving it.

I don't think the bouncy chair would work as the baby is so nosey, any little sound keeps her awake

Baby is young enough yet that he can be taught to sleep in all the noise and bustle of a busy room with the TV and all the rest of the goings on. It will be really useful long term for baby to be able to sleep through it.

Calorie loading through the day helps for babies who like little and often. Try feeding every 2 hours through the daytime.

I really feel for you Your GP sounds like they don't understand tiny babies at all
Have you tried infacol or anything like that for the wind? 3 months is prime colic time, they can be an absolute bloody nightmare in the evening/night.
Have you got an OH who can help you? If he can feed and resettle at least once in the night (and you can sleep somewhere where you can't hear), you could get a chunk of sleep of at least 5 hours, which I found made all the difference to my outlook.
Have you got a sling? I've resorted to putting my baby in the sling in the evening sometimes just so I can make dinner and have a bit of peace and quiet after my 3yo has gone to bed (baby doesn't "do" bedtime, it seems!).
It will get better, I promise! Is there anyone who can look after the baby for a couple of hours in the day, so you can go out and do something nice with just your 3yo?
Please don't be hard on yourself

OP it's FINE to hate this part. You are me this time last year. I had a 2.5 month old and a 3 year old and it was midwinter and just hideous. Didn't enjoy any of it. I totally understand that feeling of being on edge and trying to fix the baby...I'm not sure that you can shut that off completely, probably some of it is a primal reaction to crying, but just keep telling yourself that it will get better, it will get better.

My 3 year old watched obscene amounts of TV during those months. Don't sweat it. In fact a really nice HV saw how exhausted I was and told me not to hold back at all on the TV for my older one.

Winter is grim.

My second baby never got used to background noise/chatter/shouting despite napping in the kitchen every day. (She's 14 months old now and still a light sleeper as is her father.) So I used to put her in the pram under the extraction fan and rock her back and forth to sleep.

It's so relentless OP but this all will pass

Yeo mine only got worse as they day went on too. Evenings were the peak so don't rule out allergy

Sorry l have to disagree with FATE in that making a baby 'learn' to sleep with noise going on will be helpful later. Dd1 needed quiet and dark up until maybe 2, now at 5 she can sleep through anything. Dd2 also no longer will sleep with too much going on so we no longer use the bouncey chair (but was invaluable as a newborn).

Go back to your gp, insist on seeing someone different if you can or take your dh as support and dont leave until you've got your AD. Sleeping tablets for some who can't sleep due to having a baby? !

Thank you all again. I feel better having let it all out on here but today has been another crappy day. DH works long hours and travels a lot so can't really help. I also know he is cross with me about the PND coming back and how I'm obsessing on the sleep so I don't talk to him now about any of it. We have had a fair few arguments over it all to say the least.

halfStar do you mind me asking when it got better for you with managing 2 of them? I miss my eldest so much, being able to laugh and do stuff with her care free instead of this on edge, shakey person I have become.

Is it normal to have to try and resettle babies during naps? Sometimes I feel I should just give up on the settling and resettling and let her do what she wants. I should know all of this but seriously I have blocked out the first year of eldest DD's life as I was so depressed

I also use white noise so shooting myself in the foot really with getting a baby who will settle anywhere!

Also a sling - yes I have a couple (close caboo and an ergo). They worked well at first but now she gets so mad when I put her in it, I become a sweaty stressed mess pacing around with her and then she may or may not sleep but for 30 minutes max. She really isn't a cuddley baby!

Oh do talk to your husband about it . In what way is he cross about PND?

You really need to talk to your GP about some better medication. It is hard to tell right now how many of your anxieties are down to PND and will be less of an issue once you feel calmer and better able to cope.

Have you got a sling for the baby? That may mean you can just let baby sleep when he wants and wake when he wants, while going about your day. Really no need to be worrying about it all at this tiny age.

crossed post re the sling

I constantly have to resettle dd2 for her naps although l didn't with dd1 so not sure if it's usual though.

That's pretty shit of your DH to get cross about your pnd tbh. I was such a mess with dd1 with the shock of it all l cried a lot. I also cried a lot in the early days with dd2 even though l'm "coping". New mothers are allowed to cry and obsess over sleeping!