What the hell am I doing wrong with my 3 month old??

[MickyMe]

Have name changed for this as so ashamed. Writing this in tears.

I have a 3 month old DS and 3yr old DD. I seem to be doing everything wrong with the baby. She takes ages to settle for sleep, wakes frequently, cat naps, screams all evening. I just can't do it anymore. Every day feels like a battle. I don't eat as I'm so anxious, I cry every day. My older DD gets neglected as I'm constantly in the room settling or resettling the baby. I feel so much guilt towards my 3yr old, she clearly feels left out and her behaviour has gotten appalling because of this. I know she is also picking up my stress and we 'argue' all the time now.

I'm obsessed with wake times, not letting baby get overtired etc but nothing works. I don't go out as baby won't sleep out and just cries and cries - sling, pram, car doesn't matter.

I have made a huge mistake having another baby. I had PND with the first one who was also a horrific sleeper and it's fair to say I nearly topped myself. It got better and in the toddler years she became my little buddy. WHY can't I see this will get better too?? I literally feel like I'm doing everything wrong and have no idea what I'm doing. I thought I could cope this time but clearly not. How can I make her sleep better? I want to run away or someone to take her who knows what they are doing.

you poor thing OP, it's so hard isn't it.

I'm sure that you've tried it all but I think you really need a break. It will give you clarity. Will anyone give you some time to yourself? Or just time for you and your 3 year old? DH used to do Friday night and Sunday morning so I would have a night off and a morning lie in. He also used to take DS food shopping on Saturday morning after his lie in so I could do what i wanted, namely shower in peace and get the house sorted (this helps me relax - I hate being in a messy home). It has to be all about teamwork and survival in year 1.

Re the sleep, have you tried;

swaddling
dummy
in dark room on their own (if easily overstimulated)
A snooze shade on the pram

I used to aim to get ready and leave the house just when a nap was due. DS was a grumpy baby so I would often have to just leave him to fuss for 5 minutes whilst I got ready but once I got out, snooze shade on and walked for 10 minutes of crying, he was usually asleep. Have you got a buggy board that your DD can go on?

I hope it gets easier for you ASAP.

It's gets better when then need less daytime sleep - I have a now 11month my old and he was exactly as you describe for first 6 months, once we got to three and then two naps I got my sanity back as it wasn't so constant he also has reflux so don't dismiss that as a potential factor and we got the right medicine at about 4 months which made a big diff too. When it was at its worst I just got out the house as much as possible to distract us both. Have you got some toddler groups nearby which you can take your 3yo to and you can chat (moan!!) to other mummies just to get it all out?

Just to say thank you everyone for your words and advice. I have decided to try and stop obsessively googling and reading about baby sleep and what I'm doing wrong before it drives me insane, so going to stay off the Sleep board for a bit!

I will go back to another Dr about the PND and see if I can get more help, and try and get things in perspective.

Again, thank you