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Original poster

Self soothing- how did you teach it?

33 replies

Whoami24601 · 18/09/2015 13:44

DS is 20 weeks (4 weeks early though so slightly 'behind' ifkwim). Up until recently he was sleeping 730-6, which was brilliant! Unfortunately he has regressed massively and last night we hit a wonderful (!) low of waking 4 times Angry.

I know there's a sleep regression around this time anyway, but what I'm looking for is some practical tips to teach him to self soothe. I think I'm broken!

He currently self soothes for naps (3 a day, adding up to about 3 1/2 hours), but that doesn't seem to be having any effect on night wakings. I feed him to sleep at bedtime, which is around 730-8. I want to get out of the habit of feeding back to sleep, but I've no idea how!

Things I've tried:
Implementing a routine through the day (though we're only in week 1 of this it's going well so far)
Upping his day feeds (he has been having at least 6/7 feeds a day for a while, though has got to the easily distracted stage, so some of these can be quite short)
Shh.. pat (he just got REALLY angry at this!)
Leaving him for a few minutes before going over to get him out of his crib

So... does anyone have any other ideas for things I could try? After 7 feeds yesterday I just don't see how he can NEED 4 feeds through the night as well! I'm not the type of person who can just say 'this too will pass'- I need to being doing something productive to MAKE SURE it passes!

TIA

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Original poster
Whoami24601 · 18/09/2015 13:50

Oh, forgot to mention - he currently naps in his bedroom in the cot, but sleeps at night in a moses basket in our bedroom. Could that make a difference?

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 18/09/2015 13:52

Could you start offering a dummy instead of feeding?

Dummies are excellent for allowing independent sleeping in the long term.

FATEdestiny · 18/09/2015 13:54

He might like the extra space of the cot now he's bigger. Could you bring the cot into you room?

Madratlady · 18/09/2015 13:56

You can't, they develop it eventually. And at 4 months there is a huge sleep regression and growth spurt so what you are describing sounds normal and it will get better again. My son usually sleeps well and has do e from quite early but even now has phases of needing help to settle at nearly 2.

Original poster
Whoami24601 · 18/09/2015 14:06

Moving cot into our room would be a pain, but we do have a crib. Maybe it's time to move him into that? As he still fits in the moses basket I hadn't really thought to move him, but I suppose he could do with a bit more room. I tried a dummy when he was small, but he wouldn't take it. Could try again I suppose.

madratlady that is exactly what I don't want to hear! I am a proactive person, so 'they develop it eventually' goes against my entire personality! My DD (now 3) has never been like this - she slept through at 6 weeks and has had a handful of disturbed nights since then! I do appreciate this is the exception rather than the rule, but I was really hoping DS would be the same!

OP posts:
NickyEds · 18/09/2015 18:34

Try the dummy again.

starfish12 · 18/09/2015 18:51

If he settles at naps and used to sleep 730-6am then he can self settle? Sounds like he's going thru the 4 month sleep regression. You will just have to ride it out and then it will honestly go back to normal. By the time you have implemented stuff to fix it it will have passed....

Original poster
Whoami24601 · 18/09/2015 20:40

Ok he's in his crib. I put him down awake, and he went to sleep on his own - no crying involved. That means he has the skills, right?

Been doing some reading, and I think the short feeds are the next thing to crack. He will literally just feed for a few minutes, then get distracted! Think I'm going to try giving him a few minutes, then trying again, rather than just putting my boob away!

I'm not totally convinced it's a sleep regression - all the info I'm reading says about it being impossible to put baby down without screaming, but that's not the case. The problem is keeping him asleep once he's down!

If trying to lengthen feeds doesn't work, then I might try a dummy. Thanks!

OP posts:
IsabelleEberhardt · 18/09/2015 20:45

His sleep has regressed and he is four months old... I would say it's the four month sleep regression!

Original poster
Whoami24601 · 18/09/2015 20:52

Ok haha I'll take your point! Maybe I'm in denial? I just can't cope with this not being something I can 'fix' lol. Some of the websites I've been looking at say this can go on for months Shock That's a worst case scenario, right?

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 18/09/2015 22:38

When you put him down awake and he goes to sleep easily - is his tummy full?

When he wakes in the night and finds going back to sleep difficult, is his tummy empty?

I suspect that your 'self settling' baby is just at the milk drunk stage, when going to sleep is easier.

Establishing something else as a sleep cue. Dummy gets my vote. Plus totally separating feeding and sleeping. Could you shift daytime feeds to being fed upon waking up? Then use an alternate sleep cue for going to sleep.

Original poster
Whoami24601 · 18/09/2015 23:55

Daytime sleeps are already totally separate from feeds, though I do try to time his feeds so they are near to nap time to make sure he is as full as possible and he doesn't wake early due to hunger. This seems to be working well and he currently goes down easily for naps.

Bedtime is a different issue- tonight he fed for about 5 minutes before being put down awake. That is unusual however! Normally he feeds for 30+minutes and I put him down asleep. I am aware I need to stop this but not sure how! If I'm feeding him in a darkened room and he feeds himself to sleep how do I change that? Impose restrictions on feeds? Stop turning the light off?

His sleep association is with his sleeping bag so that's already sorted.

OP posts:
IsabelleEberhardt · 19/09/2015 00:06

Some of the websites I've been looking at say this can go on for months shock That's a worst case scenario, right?

My dd still hasn't fully recovered from it and she's 14 months old now... She's a special case though. Even as a newborn she slept a lot less than newborn babies apparently sleep. She used to lie awake in her moses basket for ages looking around, or I'd cuddle her and watch TV wih her awake in my arms. Ahh I miss the days when she was quiet and happy to cuddle for ages.

FATEdestiny · 19/09/2015 00:10

I really don't see a problem in feeding to sleep at night, as long as baby has other ways to settle as well (as your baby does).

You could move the feed to downstairs and at the start of bedtime routine, rather than the end. So feed, bath (if required), PJs, story or whatever, then bed.

Or you could use the winding process to slightly rouse baby so he is more aware of being out down to sleep after a feed.

Jw35 · 19/09/2015 00:22

I wouldn't give a dummy! You will be up in the night putting it back in!
You can't 'fix' everything but you can fix how you view it all..
4 months is very early and he justs needs you..sleeping in your room could be disturbing him, I moved my dd at 3 months in her own room and she started sleeping through but the guideline is 6 months and she was bottle fed anyway so not sure if it would be different for you

FifteenFortyNine · 19/09/2015 00:38

Putting him to sleep in his own room helped massively. We realised some of the stirring and 'waking up' was just him being a noisy sleeper.

We tried every trick in the book and they all helped a bit, but then every month there would be something that caused him to regress. In the end it has just been time that has done it.

Hillijx · 23/09/2015 23:01

After a good spell of sleeping until at least 5 we now have a baby who needs to be fed at least twice a night on a good night! I blame this 4 month sleep regression but she is now 6 months....can it still be tha?! Anyway you sound like you are doing all the right things, I wouldn't mess around too much with routine etc as you may end up disturbing him more. One thing that's worked wonders with dd2 is I played music every time she had to go back to sleep, eventually this was her sleep cue, when she was older and in her own room we used it remotely and she would just go straight back down without me having to get out of bed! Good luck, look forward to the teen years when you can get revenge!!

Original poster
Whoami24601 · 28/09/2015 14:16

I'm dead on my feet :-( He had been improving over the last week or so - we were back to 2 feeds a night, and he was sleeping through from 7-3ish. Then the last 2 nights he's been awake 4 times again! Angry Sad

I have been putting him to sleep awake at bedtimes, but it doesn't seem to be helping. He does go down well though. Next step is moving the feed downstairs (going to try that tonight) and moving him into his own room (next few days hopefully!).

Help me! I really can't cope with this for much longer!

OP posts:
Original poster
Whoami24601 · 28/09/2015 17:40

Bump for the evening crowd- I really need help here!

OP posts:
5madthings · 28/09/2015 17:49

Sorry but it sounds perfectly normal to me, I know that's not what you want to hear. It's normal for babies this age to be distractable with feeds during the day, you could try feeding him in a quiet room etc but four months is classic sleep regression and growth spurt time.

FATEdestiny · 28/09/2015 20:16

There's a lot of truth in what 5madthings is saying.

As long as you are making sure that baby is feeding and sleeping frequently in the daytime, then everything else you mention is just normal part of having a baby.

Being dead on your feet is just par-for-the-course when parenting. I'm 11 years (and four children) into parenting and am still mostly knackered all the time. I don't even work, so working parents have my upmost respect in the exhaustion-scale. You just find ways to cope and embrace your tiredness.

Are you having a daytime nap? Might be worth establishing a nap a day that you have with your baby.

53rdAndBird · 28/09/2015 20:27

Sorry, but it does sound like the 4-month regression. It is sheer hell. Mine woke every 45 minutes throughout the night for weeks, and her record was waking 16 times in one night. But I survived!

Honestly it's not really something you can teach them out of - it's a developmental spurt, their whole brain is changing, and they (and you) just have to get through it as best you can.

For me, that meant getting a bedside cot (one with 3 sides you attach to the bed) and feeding/cuddling when she woke. She still woke lots but I got so much more sleep. I was determined she'd learn to sleep in her own for and we wouldn't cosleep, but then I found that I was falling asleep with her in my arms during night feeds, and I nearly walked out in traffic through sheer exhaustion, and something urgently needed to change so that's what we did.

lurkinginthenorth · 28/09/2015 21:25

4 month sleep regression. Go with the flow. The sooner you 'accept' that this is how he is for now, the sooner you will feel more at ease with it. Stop trying to control situations that cannot be controlled. It's a PITA, I know as does every other person who has advised you, knows. Been there, done that, worn the t-shirt. You cannot predict your child. Your child is unique; nobody else like him. You cannot MAKE your baby fit. By all means try some of the advice given to you and for what it is worth, dummies ARE okay. They are recommended by the SIDS charity and not every baby cries non-stop for a dummy to be put back in their mouth; mine doesn't and my eldest never did either!
But by all means, find a group where you can moan and groan and off-load the stress and tension. It is bloody hard and you obviously need to talk about it.
I went through it for TEN weeks. I was broken but magically she just did it' slept through. Not always. We have occasions when she wakes but then again, as adults, so do we. We have the skill and maturity to deal with sleeplessness by closing our eyes and focusing our minds. Babies don't; children don't!
It will end, I promise. But when is anyone's guess!

HollyAndIvyTime · 29/09/2015 07:32

Ok you need to stop thinking of this as a problem to be 'fixed'. He's a baby not a car! :) 4 feeds a night is really not that bad - people cope with far worse and you will too. If you need to make a plan, make one for how you can cope rather than trying to solve the sleep. There's no way to force a baby to sleep and most methods of trying are not kind to baby especially this little.

So come up with a coping mechanism. Go to bed when he does to get more sleep. Ask DH to get up with him in the morning. Whatever works for your family.

And it will pass, eventually. Until then there is coffee :)

Thebirdsneedseeds · 29/09/2015 07:39

Yeah sorry but I think you just need to endure it. If lo's settling for 3 naps you can count your lucky stars!! It will pass, you LO is obviously able to sleep and settle which is great, keep up that important part of falling asleep alone where possible and just hang on in there, it will pass shortly. It's horrific at the time but won't last.