Despairing of it all

[Purpleboa]

So my DD is 12 weeks tomorrow. I love her, and feel privileged to watch her grow. But the one thing that is driving me crazy is, yes you guessed right, the sleep!

My DD is without a doubt the worst sleeper in my new mums group. She had seemed to be improving...but things are getting worse not better, even though people said it would improve around the 12 week mark.

Day and night are poor, so I feel there's no respite. On a typical day she'll wake up around 6, need a nap around 9.30 which I end up slinging her for - even if I somehow get her to the cot, she'll wake after 30 minutes. In the sling she can do 2 hours if needed.

I then try to get her to have another nap in the afternoon - again as above. Them she goes down for the night between 8.30 and 9pm, wakes for a night feed at 1.30 and again at 4.30. She'll hopefully go back to sleep and if I'm lucky, will go to sleep (on and off) until 7.

All that has changed with her first cold. First two nights she was up every hour, and even though we seem to be getting back to normal, she takes much longer to settle, and is awake at 4.30 am for the day!

I'm at my wits end. It seems on here that most babies are either day or night sleepers. Mine's neither, which means I can't even catch up during the day. So all those well meaning 'sleep when baby sleeps' are lost in me.

Tonight she's woken for her night feed #1 at midnight and she only went down at 11 :*(

My DH does his best but because I'm ebf, there's a limit to what he can do. He'll try and take her early mornings but we're only talking an extra hour of sleep for me.

I feel like I'm losing it and like I'm surrounded by good baby sleepers. Most of my new mums group ff their babies and they all sleep beautifully.

Baby sleeps in her cot now next to my bed. We swaddle her, I feed her to sleep and play white noise.

I have a cold too and feel seriously rotten. I'm not sure I can cope if this continues. I feel like a huge failure - how hard can it be to get your baby to sleep?? What am I going wrong? I'm so worried that she isn't getting enough sleep. And I can feel my frustration towards her at times which I know isn't fair - it's not her fault. I just wish I had got one that sleeps!! Parenting must be an amazing experience for those whose babies sleep! Is it ever going to get better??

Also - I haven't introduced a dummy because I'm against them. But should I just let my principles go and give her one?

I feel your pain. The sleepy describe in the first part ofvyour postvsounds amazing. I would be ecstatic to get that!!

DS is 7 weeks and hasn't yet settled into any nighttime routine. He has a few days of doing something then it all changes. Last night he woke every 50 minutes.

Posted too soon...

Tonight we went up to bed at 9.30. He was sleeping so i put him in the Moses basket. Woke at 10.30. Fed til 11. Slept til 11.30 - tried to put him back, woke. Fed til 11.45. Slept. Squealed and woke at 12. Fed. 12.05 big poo. Gave up and brought him downstairs to change. Is feeding now.... DH gets up at 4am.

My 1 year old sleeps less well than that. It wouldn't even enter my head for that to be a problem at 12 weeks.

I'd have thought that was excellent for both of mine at 12 weeks.

Yeah - the previous routine I now see was really good! But she's not doing that anymore! She now won't settle at all, despite only having two hours sleep. Wtf is actually wrong with her!!

I'm just at my wits end. I feel like walking out on it all because it's a nightmare with no hope in sight. It makes me wish in my darkest moments that I hadn't got pregnant . I had no idea it would be this hard. It's hell right now.

Same here pottering! Dd is 14 months and has never slept well. Even as a newborn she slept less than they (nhs etc) said she should.

We cosleep now which has worked best for us as dd can latch on and I don't need to get out of bed several times a night.

Op, I don't think your baby is the worst sleeper in your group because she is bf and they are ff btw. It can work both ways. I wouldn't be so against trying a dummy either. My dd would never take one but if yours does and it gives you a good night sleep that would be worth it surely? There's a brand that gets recommended on here a lot if your dd is reluctant - I can't remember the name but you'd find it if you do a thread search for dummies.

Seriously though, 12 weeks is very early days. Why don't you give yourself a day off from doing anything and spend a day in bed with your baby watching TV and sleeping? I did that a few times when dd was younger, after a friend told me that's what she did, and it's great. You can both catch up on sleep and relax a bit. Don't listen too much to what the people at your baby group say either. A lot of people exaggerate and it's not worth comparing yourself and your baby to them as they are totally different people.

Oh one other thing. When dd has been especially bad to settle, as it sounds like your dd is now, we give her infacol. It usually is trapped wind and infacol sorts that right out.

On the other hand she may be teething. Has she got any teeth yet? That messes sleep right up too.

No real advice to give except to say just as you think you can't go on( usually about 12 weeks) something clicks and they start to sleep longer. In my humble experience anyway. I feel for you. I can remember lying in bed not daring to move in case I disturbed them when they nodded off! I can only say it will get better x

Mine is 7 months at up every hour with cold/ teeth. It is the worst. Their routine tends to change though so you will get days where it gets better. Do what you think is best. If you want to try formula, that's OK- my dd1 and I only started getting on when I gave up the guilt and switched at 6 months. This one is ebf because the only thing we do well is feed! You will get sleep soon. You're doing really well through a crappy crappy time. If possible have a day in bed with them- that does help, it sort of resets them a bit after a cold. Hang on in there.

I wasnt keen on a dummy either OP but i gave in and bought some a week or so ago.

DS is having none of it all changed.

Fuck your mummy group, your baby is sleeping exactly like a normal baby. Have a look as the ISIS website for fact based sleep data. DS was certainly exactly like that at 12 weeks. Also, there's a growth spurt around that age. I know it's hard... Hang in there... Also,you could buy a dummy (latex wide shield like the goldi or naturesutten ones) and download a white noise app. Introduce a routine for bedtime if you haven't.

Thanks all. I have a white noise app which helps sometimes. Routine - isn't it a bit early to intrdouce one? We have one of sorts - up to bed with me, white noise on, lowered lights, feed to sleep. Which seemed to be working! Until now.

Did think of teething but she's displaying no signs of it. Yeah could be another growth spurt.

I really didn't want to introduce a dummy as I think it could create unhealthy sleep associations. But knowing her, she probably wouldn't bloody take it anyway!

I know I should have a rest day. But tomorrow there's a new baby to visit then Tuesday she has her first set of jabs, after which we're off on a two hour trip to visit my mum! So sleep is probably going to continue to be fubar.

Sorry to whine on. Just feeling so low - physically and mentally. I miss the days when sleep wasn't such a fucking battleground. And tbh it makes me dread what's ahead. I guess the best I can hope for is to get used to having shit sleep.

There's no such thing as 'unhealthy sleep associations' - do whatever it takes!

DS is almost three and has only just given up breastfeeding to sleep/at night. I reckon your best bet is to (safely) co-sleep and enjoy some rest - it was the only way for me! :)

It's bloody hard. Sympathies. There's not much you can do, just roll with it and wait for it to improve and pray she doesn't turn out like my DC2 who is almost 2 and has never slept through.

For the love of god woman try the child with a dummy your crying out for sleep and this a potential way of getting some! Ignore all that bollocks about unhealthy sleep association, babies can't self settle they need sometimes need something to help them with that, a dummy is fairly easily taken away when they are older, it seems she's using you as a dummy anyway so what's the difference? You don't get a gold medal at the end of it for EBF and not using a dummy!! As pp said co sleeping could also be an option for you. Do whatever you need to do to get her to sleep it's better for both of you in the long run.

Thanks all. Appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Yes we'll try a dummy - although I'm not really expecting her to take to it but you never know!

Re. co-sleeping - not something I'd feel comfortable doing. But have tried her in bed with me and she didn't like it. She's settling in her cot on a good night, so am hoping that will come bacl.

Feeding at night with expressed milk - ideally yes, but - surprise! - she won't take a bottle. We're persevering though.

Have tried the shush pat method but to no avail! This little lady is pretty good at fighting sleep during the day.

I'm hoping that it is because of the cold that her sleep is so disrupted.

Sorry to all of you for what you're going through with sleep (or lack of of it!) It is indeed bloody hard...

I have a 10 week old and so far tonight we've been up at 11pm, 12.30am, 1.30am, 2.30am and 3.30am (still awake now at 6am). Also have a 22 month old who has been up twice and will be up for the day in half an hour. Daytime ant nighttime sleep fighter here too, she will have 4 x 30 min naps in the day in the sling (won't sleep anywhere else). I feel your pain.

Ooft that's hard Worlds. With two it just must be so difficult. I would like another one but I'm not so sure I want to go ahead with it - if baby 2 is a bad sleeper I'm not sure I could cope!! Really hope you get some rest today.

OP (and everyone else with young babies) I can hear the desperation in your post and it's like looking in a mirror at when my DS was young. He's 20 months now. Please let me reassure you: it WILL get easier and your babies will sleep better and longer.

I can honestly say the first 6 months were the hardest of my life. No one understands just how chronic sleep deprivation is, I think people forget and say 'oh yes, it's tiring' then talk about something else What's so hard is that you know they need sleep but you have no idea how to help or why they are awake. EBF is another factor meaning you feel all the pressure. I had one friend though who fed then immediately handed baby to dad and left room so he had to settle baby and baby had to get used to dad. We never did that as I thought well at least one of us should rest and he works.

Anyway, the point of my post was to say: please don't worry, babies are just awake all the time and dropping off at random times, it is exhausting but normal. There's nothing for it but to hunker down and weather the storm as best you can. It will slowly improve, even if it means aiming for sleep training at 6 months/9 months. I know it's not an immediate answer but at least it gives you a finite time and something to aim at but maybe by then they'll have sorted themselves out and sleep a bit more.

It's so tough, I think it's the hardest thing I've ever faced but be strong and don't set crazy expectations of yourself or your baby. Good luck OP.

Thebird my 22 month old still doesn't sleep through and has resisted any attempt at sleep training so i was expecting it this time round ??. I've spent nearly 2 years in a fog.

Thank you so much thebird. You really sum up how I am feeling. I worry that I'm constantly whingeing on about this, and feel a lot of advice I get is along the lines of 'toughen up/could be worse /you're not doing enough to help her sleep'. All true I guess but it really helps to have someone understand how incredibly hard it is.

I'm an older mum and guess I had got very used to my lifestyle before having my DD. So that makes me selfish - well, so be it. What makes it harder is seeing other babies who do sleep well. I do get that all babies are different but it seems way too much of a coincidence that all the ff babies I know sleep really well, with many sttn at this stage.

People think they get it - I thought I did before I got pregnant - but it's something that's impossible to comprehend unless you're in it. It affects every area of your life. I feel like a miserable old woman and am constantly taking it out on DH. This is meant to be a joyful time!!

As you say, best just to get through it. We can all do this and our reward will be amazing children and teenagers :)

Sounds a fairly normal sleep pattern to me too. Mine were both like that. The short sleep cycles at night suggest wind not hunger to me. Ds is a nightmare for holding onto a bubble of wind which wakes him after about 45 mins. It doesn't matter how many times he has burped, there always seems to be another one lurking. You'll start to sense if this is the problem.

Another thing to try is expressing a little milk first thing when you have the most milk and using it as a top at last thing at night. If you're very run down, sleep deprived and haven't had time to eat enough, by the end of the day your milk can be a little low. Maybe also ask DH to cook in the evening, and take the baby to allow to you eat well and have a rest before the last feed.

Thanks. Don't think it's wind, she seems Ok with that. But you never know I guess. I would give a top up bottle but she won't take a bottle!