Despairing of it all

[Purpleboa]

So my DD is 12 weeks tomorrow. I love her, and feel privileged to watch her grow. But the one thing that is driving me crazy is, yes you guessed right, the sleep!

My DD is without a doubt the worst sleeper in my new mums group. She had seemed to be improving...but things are getting worse not better, even though people said it would improve around the 12 week mark.

Day and night are poor, so I feel there's no respite. On a typical day she'll wake up around 6, need a nap around 9.30 which I end up slinging her for - even if I somehow get her to the cot, she'll wake after 30 minutes. In the sling she can do 2 hours if needed.

I then try to get her to have another nap in the afternoon - again as above. Them she goes down for the night between 8.30 and 9pm, wakes for a night feed at 1.30 and again at 4.30. She'll hopefully go back to sleep and if I'm lucky, will go to sleep (on and off) until 7.

All that has changed with her first cold. First two nights she was up every hour, and even though we seem to be getting back to normal, she takes much longer to settle, and is awake at 4.30 am for the day!

I'm at my wits end. It seems on here that most babies are either day or night sleepers. Mine's neither, which means I can't even catch up during the day. So all those well meaning 'sleep when baby sleeps' are lost in me.

Tonight she's woken for her night feed #1 at midnight and she only went down at 11 :*(

My DH does his best but because I'm ebf, there's a limit to what he can do. He'll try and take her early mornings but we're only talking an extra hour of sleep for me.

I feel like I'm losing it and like I'm surrounded by good baby sleepers. Most of my new mums group ff their babies and they all sleep beautifully.

Baby sleeps in her cot now next to my bed. We swaddle her, I feed her to sleep and play white noise.

I have a cold too and feel seriously rotten. I'm not sure I can cope if this continues. I feel like a huge failure - how hard can it be to get your baby to sleep?? What am I going wrong? I'm so worried that she isn't getting enough sleep. And I can feel my frustration towards her at times which I know isn't fair - it's not her fault. I just wish I had got one that sleeps!! Parenting must be an amazing experience for those whose babies sleep! Is it ever going to get better??

You poor love

First: Other people's accounts of baby sleep are like statistics - 8 out of 10 of them are made up. Try not to get involved in the comparing conversations at baby group. Everyone wants to put on their 'best face' of coping and competence, and unfortunately we as a society judge new mothers harshly and regard their babies as somehow yardsticks of their mothering. Opt out - not of the group, if it helps you otherwise, but of the discussions that make you feel everyone else is doing so much 'better' than you.

Second: 12 weeks is still in the famous 'fourth trimester'. A newborn baby is a vulnerable creature, evolutionarily speaking, and frequent waking to reassure itself it is close to its mother is a prime survival strategy. You'll probably feel like throttling me when I say this, but the sleep pattern you describe is actually pretty good going for that age. I could only have dreamed (see what I did there?) of it with my two. The 4.30 start is harsh, no doubt, but it will pass. I have every sympathy for the bewildering impact of sleep deprivation, but even that is adjustable-to, with time. I think IIWY I would invest in a bedside cot (with three sides, the fourth right against and open to your bed) so you can be immediately close to her, which may help her to stay asleep once she has been fed. They are very very in sync with you when in sleep at this age.

Oh grotbags - you seem to be having a really tough time. Having 2 must be incredibly difficult. Do they wake each other?

I didn't want to bum out the OP but yes it's true, some toddlers/babies don't take to training. It's frustrating - some sleep through unaided, some grow to sleep through, some respond well to sleep training, some continue to be wake regardless of what we do. I think you get what you're given and you can only try your best. And there's always something, isn't there? Teeth, short sleep cycles, wind, cold, full moon etc.

My DS (20 months) was successfully sleep trained using gradual retreat at 10 months after I stopped BFing at night. Great I thought, some peace at last finally at 11 months. (OP - stop reading!!) but then lo and behold over the following 6 months his old habits crept back in and now he's back to waking as often as he sleeps through. BUT at least he sometimes sleeps and that for me is the hopeful part and the silver lining. At 2/3 months I'd have given my soul for even a block of sleep or a single sleep through.

YY OP about being selfish, i tend to agree, it's such a massive shock to the system and nothing prepares you for it. All I wanted was for others around me to truly understand how hard I was finding it but I'm sure everyone thought I was moaning on about it! My mum often just said 'hm yes' and changed the subject, it made me feel awful.

I found the night owl threads good - was nice to not feel alone as I sat in the dark feeding my restless wee boy.

If she's a bit snuffly she might not take the dummy straight away as she might find it hard to breathe through her nose. From 3 mth you can use snuffle babe I found that really helped my ds when he had a cold

I had huge trouble getting dd to take a bottle too, but eventually after trial and error I found that she would accept Dr brown's. To transition her I started at a time when she was v hungry, started her on me, then holding the bottle next to my nipple swapped her onto that, and kept feeding her without changing the position I was holding her in. It took a while, but worked in the end.

Might not work for you, but it is worth persevering with as you sound exhausted, and an occasional break from feeding might help.

it's such a massive shock to the system and nothing prepares you for it. All I wanted was for others around me to truly understand how hard I was finding it but I'm sure everyone thought I was moaning on about it! My mum often just said 'hm yes' and changed the subject, it made me feel awful.

Yep.

I remember when my first was tiny I craved stories of bad sleepers from mothers with older or grown-up children. I just wanted to hear somebody acknowledge that this was a THING and how the hell did the world keep turning with this many sleep-deprived women going around all day? But it was all very unsatisfactory, most just sort of said oh yes that's hard. One aunt (mother of 5) did oblige with tales of woe, but my mother (mother of 5) was very vague about the whole thing. My father on the other hand has not forgotten it one bit! But the point I'm making is that people do forget the extreme hardship of sleep deprivation once they're no longer in it and the child is racing ahead through a new phase.

So anyway, OP, here's what I think you should do for starters:

• Decide to stop comparing your baby with all of the good sleepers. All of those babies, yours included, are normal. Those great sleepers will at some point have their parents tearing their hair out over something: sleep, food, potty training...and your baby might sail through those stages. So just try not to compare.

-Remember just how impossible it is for a tiny baby to sleep when they're bunged up with a cold. They can't breathe! Try all of the tricks: snufflebabe, vapour in room, raised cot, saline spray. They help a bit and after that you just have to ride it out. It will be a little bit better once the cold passes.

-Get your baby to nap in the sling much earlier than 9.30 if she's up at 6. Try going for a walk at 8am if that's possible with her in the pram.

• Consider co-sleeping after a certain hour, e.g. 4am or 5am. It might make all the difference. I never really co-slept with mine after about 6 months and before then it was on an as-needed basis. At that age it was often definitely needed at some point during the night.

-Try the dummy if you like. I understand your reluctance and I hate the things too, but they do often work. For perspective, I have a thumbsucker here who'll surely be still going at 10. She sleeps great (now) but no doubt her teeth will be ruined.

-LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. If you've managed to put on a wash, go outside, and make some lunch for yourself, the day has been a success.

Try a dummy but she almost certainly won't take to it. That boat has sailed I'm afraid! Please don't compare to other 'good' sleepers as it is soul destroying. Just go with the flow. Accept that you will be sleep deprived for 6 months or so (it's a tiny fraction of your life despite feeling otherwise), leave the housework and cooking to dh, and stop fighting it. It will end and she will eventually sleep. It's more your mental attitude you need to change and then it won't seem so awful.

Hi Purple - remember me from the 'overdue and impatient thread?!'. Haha we didn't know our luck 12 weeks ago...

What you have described is me first time round. My baby was known as the 'nightmare' of my nct group. He had colic, couldn't put him down - he was physically on me 22 out of 24 hrs - the 2 hrs he wasn't was spent buggy walking (other naps in sling and night sleep on me). I was on my knees and so desperate thinking I had a defective one. Even my mum would say 'little monkey' and just laugh... I just wanted someone to fucking help me!!

Anyway what happened is the little buggar slept thru at 4.5 months!! My current 12 week old is better as in no constant screaming but I'm still doing sling naps and buggy and up 3-4 times a night with him as he wakes from a sleep cycle and can't get back off. Like you I'd prefer not to use a dummy (tho i tell myself everyday I am mad!). But the only thing keeping me going is the knowledge that it does just change.

From 12 weeks they lose their grasp reflex and so you might find you baby will become a thumb or finger sucker... I know people think dummies are better as you can't take away a thumb but I liked that my first son sucked his (he stopped at 13 months) as I just popped him down for naps and walked out the room. Amazing after 4.5 months of jigging/pounding the streets!!

The ability to fall asleep without aid is a biological thing that they need to be ready for. I can't really explain what exactly changed but there was a definite point when if I'd fed him to sleep and put him down he would stir and I'd just leave him to drift off lightly patting him. DS2 will.just ping awake if I try that now.

So please don't feel you are alone. Your baby is behaving normally. I do find it hard also to keep the faith but I remind myself every day that this isn't forever and it will change. Its hard to believe that today but it honestly honestly will. Hugs xx

Oh meant to say our loose routine is:

Wake up at whatever time between 6 and 7... then is tired 1 hr later to pop in sling and he sleeps for 2.5hrs.

Wake and feed normally 10:30/11 then awake time for an hr and 15.

Back in the sling till 2:30pm ish

Feed around 3pm

Final nap - sling/buggy/car 4-5pm tho usually just does 30 mins.

Start bedtime at 6pm with a bath, lullabys and boob to sleep. Takes anywhere up to 730 pm to settle.