Baby sleeps through the night for mother-in-law :(

[Jessie89]

I really hope someone can help because I feel very isolated and depressed right now. I have a 10 month old who can't self soothe or sleep through the night. He was waking up 4+ times per night until recently, I've been trying really hard to get him to sleep in his cot lately, he'll usually go down around 7-8pm depending on his last nap, He has a bottle, then I rock and walk with him until hes sleeping. He then wakes up somewhere between 10pm-2am for a bottle, after this feed I walk around with him and he goes back into his cot until around 4am, he wakes for another bottle (it's the only thing that will get him back to sleep, he's also refusing the bottle or comfort from my husband now, he'll only take it or settle with me) he wakes up around 6am, sometimes 6:45. Occasionally he'll sleep through until 3-4am and then wake again at 6. He always comes into our bed at the last wake up because he won't go back into his cot no matter what we do. He has two naps, first in the am for about an hour, the second is 1 1/2-2 hours, usually I hold him for the entire nap because he won't let me put him down, unless its on our bed, I very occasionally manage to get him to sleep in his cot, but he doesn't sleep for long.

I could handle the wake ups and rocking IF he wasn't staying over at my mother-in-laws once a week. He sleeps through the night there and has done for the past 6 weeks, he goes to bed around the same time 7-8pm and wakes again at 6am. One of the reasons for this could be because they allow him to sleep in their bed all night, my mother in law stays with him the entire night, she'll get into the bed when he goes to sleep, so maybe he trusts that he'll never be on his own? Whereas he knows I leave the room for a while and he'll wake up alone at some point, I don't know. It's not really possible for me to stop him from sleeping there because they're totally obsessed with him and I've allowed it for so long, it would really upset them if I put a stop to his sleepovers.

I feel like I should be starting some kind of sleep training because he's getting quite big now and it really hurts my back to have to rock him so often, I also want him to be more comfortable in his cot, but I feel like anything I do here will be pointless because of what happens when he sleeps there. He also goes there for the day (but doesn't sleep) mid week, they've always allowed him to sleep on their bed every nap time and I think this could have created a problem, he's so reliant on ours or their bed for relaxing him now I don't know how or if I'll be able to break it.

Also, I'm aware of the safety guidelines with letting babies co-sleep. My mother-in-law is very aware, as am I. I wouldn't trust anyone else to sleep in the bed with him. He used to sleep in his crib for her but screams and instantly wakes up now, so she's given up. They're getting a cot this week though.

Should I put a stop to him going there? Should I start sleep training him? I'd really appreciate some advice, I don't know where to go from here. The constant comparions are making me feel like I feel like a failure (theres much more to this unfortunately, apparently he's a perfect eater there, he sleeps in the pushcair for them, total opposite here. Then theres the fact that he always comes back with the poops for there, they let him get too much sun etc) it's making me very emotional and depressed.

Do you not want him to sleep in your bed? Kind of seems like a good solution if it means he sleeps through and doesn't need all the milk in the night.

Well id say it's almost 100% likely that it's because she co sleeps with him. If co sleeping isn't an option for you then I think it would be best to put a stop to it there too as it will be confusing him.
The 'perfect eater' stuff... Well meh. They're probably not being 100% truthful. My mum always used to say 'she ate loads here' about my DD when I was having trouble with her eating. I just let it wash over me.
It does sound like your DS spends a lot of time with them, are you happy with that arrangement?

What does your DH think?

I would have loved DD to co-sleep if it would have meant she'd sleep through, but she hated it. Unless you feel really strongly against co-sleeping might it be an idea to give it a go at home and see if it does make a difference?

DD won't sleep in our bed, never had but if co sleeping meant shed sleep through (she still doesn't at 21 months) I would have been all for it!

I do think it's possible for a baby to understand there are different 'rules' in different places, and if you want to perservere with sleeping in a cot at your house, it doesn't necessarily mean the cosleeping at mil needs to stop.

Honestly, I'd say he needed to sleep in a cot there too. My DD was a shocking sleeper and was fed to sleep until 10 months when it began to stop working and we were sick of wrestling with each other! The first night I put her into the cot awake she shouted for nearly 50 minutes, 12 the next night and less the next. It didn't stop her waking at night and I still fed her when she woke (normally at least twice) but she seemed less and less interested until she eventually slept through the day before her first birthday. She still puts up some resistance when she goes in her cot but I stay sat in her room reading until she's asleep so she's not being left alone and she sleeps through every night (touch wood!). I think your MIL is taking an easy route that is making life harder for you and your baby.

I used to settle DS with a tshirt I had stuffed down my top an hour before bed time.

I would put it near him and it smelt of me and it used to do the trick, equally if he woke in the night I would take off whatever I was wearing in bed and tie it to the cot near him.

I could of wrote your post 23 years ago. Dd would sleep really well at MIL and it was because she co slept. Whereas I was determined to get a sleep pattern in her own cot. Looking back I would and should of just co slept from the off. We all would of been a lot happier. I did learn and Dd2 co slept until around 2 when she happily went into her own bed.

Just to add - I think unless you're very lucky, convincing a baby to go to sleep and stay asleep can actually take a lot of effort. My DD drove me to tears on many occasions, and co-sleeping was not an option as she used to sleep very lightly and want to play all the time. I used to get very down about it too but both she and I are much happier now she understands her bed is where she sleeps.

I agree about babies acting differently with different people / environments. I co-slept for the first 3 months, so younger than your LO, and even DH who previously thought it a "bad habit" commented on how much better she slept. I still think she naps better in our bed now, even when she's on her own.

I don't think the answer is stopping your MIL from having her, but maybe playing around with the routine / feeds before bed time / different bedtimes etc. Wishing you good luck and sympathies tho, it's so hard

Thanks for the replies advice everyone. I don't think I explained myself very well though. My baby will sleep much better if he's in the bed next to me but he'll still wake up during those times, it's like it's part of his internal body clock, which is why I don't understand why it doesn't happen there. If he's in the bed with me, I don't have to rock him to sleep, he's happy to just be next to me, but he'll still wake up at least 1-2 times per night. Also, she sleeps in the bed with him from 8pm, I don't know how practical it is for me to be so worn out after the day and then go straight to sleep with my baby, I need at least an hour or so to myself. I don't feel comfortable leaving him in our bed alone because he rolls all over the place, so the cot is a must at first. I could try doing what she does just to see if it works, but I don't think it will. Everyone has a hard time settling him and feeding him apart from me, he refuses a lot of the time for them, so maybe he's just used to getting comfort via feeding and being next to me. It's just so frustrating that he gets a good solid nights sleep there though.

Persevere with however you want him to sleep- if you're happy to co-sleep and for mil to co-sleep then that's fine but if you are working on him self settling and sleeping in his cot then she really needs to be on board and working towards the same things as you. As for the comments about him being a perfect eater, perfect napper etc- I know they can hurt like hell but she's probably exaggerating. Perhaps ask her to show you how she gets him to eat so much/nap in the pushchair- either a) she's been fibbing and can't show you because he doesn't actually do it or b) she's actually got a technique that he responds well to and will hopefully work at home too. It does sound like you are unhappy with the amount of input she has though, have you tried talking to your dh about it?

Agree she's probably exaggerating.

If you want to sleep train, cancel the sleepovers for a couple of weeks until you have it sorted. Then you can restart the sleepovers but with the baby self-settling in his own cot.

You shouldn't be scared to do what you think is best for your baby because your MIL might kick off. You and your DH are the parents, so it is up to you.

I'm not happy with the amount of time he spends there to be honest. I think I'm going to limit it to 1 overnight stay every other week and maybe half a day mid week instead. She would happily have him every single day if she could, so it's difficult to say no.

My husband thinks it could be a number of reasons. The fact that they're so non stop with him, he's so exhausted by bed time he sleeps through, he thinks the air is better there and obviously because she goes to bed when he does.

Thats a good idea Annatha, I do think she may exaggerate a little bit. It's really hard to hear these things every week though. I have talked to my husband about this a lot, it's something that really gets to me. I have a little cry about it every week because I don't underastand what I'm doing wrong.

A possible solution is for your to rock him to sleep for the first bit - until 10ish/first wake And then your bed after?

Gives you a bit of evening but not having to spend the whole night walking around with him?

Tell her he's having sleep issues at home and you have made the decision to suspend the sleepovers until you have him in a better pattern. And you will let her know when that is. Ask her if it would be better to collect him before or after his dinner and allow her that choice possibly.

This is your baby and yes she might be disappointed but you have to make the decisions that are right by him.

Of course he sleeps through when he's away from you, you're the one he wants to see most. There's no incentive to wake up if he's only going to see Granny

It's a compliment to the close bond between you but it sounds like it's killing you! I have no advice sorry. A lot of people have said that sleep consultants really help, would that be an option for you?

Other things to try. Can you sleep with his blanket yourself for a couple of nights and then heat it on a radiator or in the tumble dryer. Smell is the strongest of the senses and it will comfort him.

Have the same story and song before going to sleep, very dim light and very soft voices.

Sit in his room but don't have eye contact until he falls asleep.

Rocking him to sleep so many times a night sounds exhausting. I would take the easy solution, mattress on the floor and co-sleep.

you aren't doing anything wrong, you're his mum. Its so disheartening when babies are angels for everyone else but as mum we are the ones they spend the most time with, they're used to us. I think your husband has a good point about mil tiring him out- I know when my in laws have my dd they tell me how she didn't cry once, slept well, ate well etc and it used to make me feel crap but its the novelty of this other person appearing once a week and constantly playing with them, which isn't practical for you to do when you're the main caregiver 24/7 surviving on broken sleep. I'd definitely stop the sleepovers while you get his sleeping sorted at home and be stern that your mil supports your choices so she isn't sending him a step back every time he sees her. She had her chance to make parenting decisions with her own DC, and so she needs to respect that you and your dh are the ones calling the shots now with your own son.

Hi OP, to be honest I think most of your problems would be solved if your MIL just stopped talking about his sleep! (Of course it would also help if he slept better for you - that will happen sometime, even if it doesn't feel like it now.)

I think it's insensitive of her to 'show off' like this. Could your DH have a quiet word with her? He could tell her that you find it upsetting and demoralising and ask her not to mention it at all. Then you can stop comparing and beating yourself up about it, and focus on what you want to try (there are various books and techniques you could look into) and what is working for you.

She's 100% exaggerating and prob saying to upset you! Tbh it sounds a bit odd that such a young baby sleeps so often at MIL. Was this your decision? Are you ok with this?
For me stop the sleepovers, start with a bit of sleep training , nothing too forceful just let him cry for 10 mins at a time and give him a chance to settle
Sleepovers are great for MIL but prob cause confusion to such young baby so I would rethink it if I was you . She s had babies before, it's over now it's your turn

She is likely exaggerating, but equally, if they wake up next to mum they can act totally differently to waking up next to someone else.

We co-slept, and DS1 would keep waking up and having a snack (BFing) so in the end we put a cot up against our bed, and put DP on the cot side. It was enough of a separation that he didn't instantly want to snack when he woke up, but close enough that if he really was hungry DP could pass him over.

Getting DS1 and DS2 to settle for DP (who obviously didn't dispense milk) was a bit of a pain, but they're wonderful sleepers now - he will get there eventually.

Annandale - thanks so much for that, made me smile :)

You're so right Annatha, I'll do that, thanks.

AnotherTimeMaybe - this wasn't my decision. It started with a gift from my husband, he surprised me with gig tickets to one of my favourite bands, the only way we could go was for the baby to stay at his mums overnight. I enjoyed myself, but it literally killed me when I got back and my baby wasn't there. I enjoyed the break, but didn't want it to be a regular thing. My husband loves having a break once a week (even though I'm the one who feeds the baby during the night) and his mum adores having him there, somehow it became a weekly thing. I've had a big talk with him today and we're going to make some changes, he's over there talking to them now. I won't hold my breath though, he's very sensitive towards his mum.

I've been pushing for them to get another cot for a while now (money isn't an issue, they just drag their feet) they finally, after weeks of mentioning it went to look at some yesterday but she wants a very specific one from a shop that can't be ordered until september 10th. Delivery could be 1-2 weeks later. I've told my husband that the baby won't be going there until they get the cot delivered and ready for him, I've put sleep training off long enough.

Thanks for your input everyone, I really appreciate it. I feel so much better since posting here.